Posted On June 10, 2009 by Print This Post

Guy Rules: What does our panel think?

Good morning and welcome to RU.  While on a weekend getaway a couple of years ago, I stumbled across a book entitled Guy Rules:  The Unspoken-and Previously Unrecorded-Rules That Govern Men’s Social Behavior and, after reading the first few pages, I knew I had to have it.

For our female readers, I encourage you to get a copy of this book because it is a hilarious (and often frightening) glimpse into the male mind.  Not only has this book been a great research tool, it has provided me hours of entertainment.

For our male readers, you would probably enjoy it as well because you might identify with some of the “rules.”

We thought it might be fun to put a few of these rules to the test and polled some of our male friends for their thoughts.  Ladies, hang on to your seats because this is a hoot.  And to all the gentlemen out there, we’d love to hear from you on this.

Class is now in session.

WARNING: You are about to enter the Man Zone. Views will be expressed and words will be used that may offend some readers. View at your own risk.

Rule #1:

Every guy has a mental speedometer in his head that records the fastest he’s ever been in a car, to the exact mile per hour.  When hanging with the boys, you have to throw out your “how fast” speed as if it were a challenge.  As with the “longest-fish story,” the speed will increase as the years go by.  

It’s really cool to go really, really fast.  The longest-fish story goes with the whole alpha-male man-against-beast thing.  How fast you go correlates to how big your balls are.  If you’re scared about going fast you’re a puss and then you get abused.   Whoever puts up the biggest number on the speedometer is the alpha male.

Rob, age 38, Northeast

I disagree with this as I could care less about how fast I have driven in a car. 

Joe, age 37, Midwest

Ha-ha – love it! I’m pretty sure that this applies to just about everything that could be construed as: biggest fish caught, fastest you’ve driven, fastest you’ve run, most you’ve drank, most girls you’ve kissed, etc. Basically, anything that is quantifiable and can bragged about and exaggerated.

Ethan, age 21, Texas

Rule #2

Guys must be adept at threading the parking needle.  Nothing is worse than showing up at the party and doing a thirteen-point turn into a parallel park with all your buddies standing around on the lawn, beers in hand. 

Who cares if you can’t whip it into a spot in front of your buddies?  It’s all about going to the party.  You don’t want to be wasting time trying to get into a spot while your buddies are all drinking beer.  It’s lame.  Although, you should be able to get into that spot in a couple tries.

Rob, age 38, Northeast

Agreed because no one wants to have all eyes on them and be made fun of during the process.  Personally, I would park my car further down the road and walk to avoid the comments on whether I did a good job parallel parking.

Joe, age 37, Midwest

I guess this one depends where you live for part of it. Yeah, if you make an unnecessary three-point turn you should, of course, expect ridicule from any friends watching – no matter where you’re from. In the South though, you can have a jacked up F-350 (it’s a big truck, for those who don’t know) and you just pull up on the curb or in the grass and park it – in or out of parking lines -doesn’t matter, nobody says a word. Or you can pull up in a little smart car or a mini van and parallel park it like a champ and just by merit of your car, you should expect ridicule.

 Ethan, age 21, Texas

 Rule #3

The guy who commits to starting the campfire must follow through, stopping at nothing short of napalm to start that fire.  

First of all, you have to out-shout all the guys to get to build that fire, and if you can’t do it you are toast.  The guy with the biggest balls will get that fire started.  I’d throw my body parts on that fire to get it started.  It’s about proving our worthiness as an alpha male.  

Rob, age 38, Northeast

Depends how cold it is.

Joe, age 37, Midwest

VERY true! Ha-ha! I was actually camping on the beach with some buddies last week and we did indeed resort to some homemade napalm. We only had driftwood to work with…but once we mixed up some gasoline and Styrofoam cups we were good to go. (NOTE: this is a last resort. To maintain one’s “man-card” you must first struggle significantly. When lighting a fire there is a manly order in which you must proceed. 1) Just sticks. 2) You are allowed ONE match. 3) Some matches and paper. 4) Lighter fluid and matches. 5) Lighter fluid+ Styrofoam = napalm.)

 *Note to the above Note* – once fire has been achieved at the earliest possible step, napalm may then be created just for fun.

 Ethan, age 21, Texas

Rule #4

When you are running late to the airport, you must stay cool.  Assure all the parties involved that you know what you are doing.  Use the following: “Don’t worry, we have plenty of time, I got it handled, we’re gonna make it.”  Even if you know deep down that it means you’re gonna be running’ over luggage in a full sprint to the gate.

I’m not going to rush for anyone.  Keeping yourself cool is a trademark alpha-male thing.  The sun rises and sets off of my ass. No airplane is going to make me late.  If I panic, everyone else is going to panic.  If I stay cool things will move a lot easier.  In a way, it goes back to number one and two.  You gotta be good at parking the car at the airport, which then reverts back to rule number one because I drove a hundred miles an hour to get there. 

Rob, age 38, Northeast

Agreed.  I hate to think that I am not in control. 

Joe, age 37, Midwest

There is no such thing as late, and there is no such thing as lost – or at least admitting to either – even when it is obvious. And if either occurs, it’s not your fault. If a woman is present, blame her. If a buddy is in the front seat, he was a bad co-pilot. If kids are in the back seat, they were a distraction. Worst comes to worst, you can always blame it on the weather or construction. Both things are out of your control and it is unreasonable to expect any man to yield power over them.

 Ethan, age 21, Texas

Rule #5

No matter how sad the movie is that you’ve just watched, never shed a tear or allude to the fact that you’ve got a lump in your throat.  Make fake adjustments and cover the evidence with snide and immature comments.  Do whatever it takes to avoid emotional exposure.  One tactic commonly employed is making fun of the wife’s crying as a distraction while you get yourself under control.  

If you are crying you are a PUSS!!!  The alpha male never shows his true emotions.  Everything roles off of us.  We will create any distraction, including farting, because that’ll clear the lump and the movie theatre.

Rob, age 38, Northeast

I would have agreed with this years ago.  I am getting more “soft” the older I get. 

Joe, age 37, Midwest

There are some times where it may be appropriate to cry in a movie. Such as when John Wayne is killed in The Cowboys. A single tear may be shed in the Duke’s honor. Anything beyond that though and your man-card should be promptly pulled. And when is it permissible to cry in a chick flick? Never. Under any circumstance. Period.

 Ethan, age 21, Texas

 And with that, I’m sorry to say, the fun is over. For now. Three different guys, three different views. Is it any wonder women are confused? Join us on Friday when Tracey will have multi-published author Dyanne Davis discussing the value of writing short stories.

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11 Responses to “Guy Rules: What does our panel think?”

  1. (pasting my FB comment)

    LOLOL I loved it. Thanks for making my Wednesday morning a little brighter. Do this one again! You need to find a CA beach dude to join in.

    Also – there is a “Man Law” group on FB (funny, AM, I know, and that’s why I looked at it.) If you want a giggle find it and read some of the stuff they have there.

    Posted by Elizabeth Pina | June 10, 2009, 7:08 am
  2. RU readers –

    I’m also wondering what the length of each of these answers tells us about the guy. I notice our guy from the Midwest is a bit short and sweet. No belaboring the point. Now down in Texas, we know the value of a good story with plenty of hand waving and exaggeration. My daddy was a master!

    Kelsey

    Posted by KelseyBrowning | June 10, 2009, 7:56 am
  3. =) now that was totally worth reading..lol…thanks for the great start to the morning, now i can go through the rest of my day with a smile on my face!

    carrie

    Posted by carrie | June 10, 2009, 8:06 am
  4. This was awesome. 🙂 Thanks for the laughs and the insight. When’s Rob going to write the Alpha Male handbook?

    Posted by Jamie | June 10, 2009, 9:16 am
  5. You’re right, Kelsey! I see a regional flavor to the answers. Very interesting.

    I couldn’t help but notice that Texas has it’s own region. LOL

    Posted by TraceyDevlyn | June 10, 2009, 9:41 am
  6. Sorry I’m so late on finding this. I definitely disagree with Rule #5. One of the best ways to get laid is to mist over at the end of Casablanca or GWTW. That is, if getting laid is one’s goal.

    Posted by Wes Redfield | June 19, 2009, 9:49 am
  7. Just got around to reading this one. Loved the mail perspective (three different views) on how to handle situations. Now we all know how men think.

    Posted by joan giordano | June 25, 2009, 3:02 pm

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