RU readers, please help me welcome Evan. I was totally taken with this man when we first met last fall at a party. Our discussion turned to my writing and books, and when I found out he was a reader, well…I fell in love. I happen to know he’s big into biographies so feel free to share your favorite in the comments. He and I are currently co-owners of an FDR biography, but I’ve asked Evan to read it first. I admit it…at 800+ pages, I want to know if the book is worth the time .

My name is Evan.  I’m 33 years old and I grew up on the coast of Texas a ways north of Corpus Christi.  I was raised in a farming/ranching family and have done my share of riding horses, working cows, driving tractors, and just in general bustin’ my ass.  We didn’t go to church much but I was instilled with a hard work ethic, a command to always be honest and a desire to treat everybody like I would like to be treated. I did well in school, graduated college and have been working in academia every since.

And I’m also gay.

Kelsey: Would you agree with the statement that men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much they make?

Evan: I would wholeheartedly agree. I recall taking a class at university that was all about human sexual behavior and it all revolved around the instinctual desire programmed into our brains and bodies from the dawn of mankind – to further your bloodline.  I learned that as a male that meant that you had to win the battle with the other guys because it was the women who had the key.  They could only get pregnant and pass on the guy’s genes under a very limited set of circumstances – the planets had to align, if you will – whereas a guy could ejaculate millions of sperm several times a day.  So you see, the women possessed, as the professor proclaimed, the golden egg.

And the lengths men go to get access to that egg are amazing.  The vehicle, be it BMW or jacked-up 4X4, the clothes and cologne, the pad…all manifest themselves out of his job and how much he makes.  And that all depends on smarts, education, and drive.  Men subconsciously know this from day one, I think, but consciously it hits them around puberty and they start competing in sports or academics, wearing too much cologne to hide their sweaty smells, and asking mom and dad for those new sneakers or jeans.  From there it’s just a race to the top.  Which peacock has the biggest and best and brightest feathers.  Some men resort to violence and get into bar-fights to prove that their testosterone-filled bloodstream will provide shelter and protection for the woman should she choose him to father her child.  Some dress in the finest of clothes, drink the best wines and buy expensive art, hoping that their refinement and cultured selves will make the woman realize that this man will produce an intelligent and trust fund-backed child capable of great things on his own.  To the woman, it’s all about who can ensure that should either parent depart this earth a little too soon, the child will survive and thrive and keep that bloodline going on through the ages.  It’s an elegant survival of the fittest, if you will.  We’re no longer cavemen fighting off saber-tooth tigers. We’re evolved beings surviving in an equally perilous world. But the goal is still the same.  Survive, outmaneuver the rest, and get the girl.

 Kelsey: What are the three things every man needs?

Evan: Wow, this is a tough one. I really think there is only one thing that men need – respect and validation that he is man.  This need can be met in any number of ways, be it through their personal or work lives. I would offer this illustrative comparison – men need to know that they CAN do something (respect).  Women need to know that they have – (appreciation).

Other than that, I think men are pretty much programmed to get by on the basics of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs; food, shelter, etc.

Well, that and sex.

Kelsey: As an objective source, give a picture of how you perceive heterosexual relationships.

Evan: I think all relationships, hetero and homo, suffer from a failure to be honest (with others and with ourselves). If you look historically at the game of “get the girl” as described earlier, there was no mistaking who a person was.  Sure you had your charlatans, but it was difficult to pretend to be something you were not.  You either had fortune, charm, intelligence, etc. or you didn’t. I think the consumer-based lives we lead make it easier to fool people into thinking we are something we are not.  You can borrow to your heart’s content to acquire a car, house, fine clothes and such.  All these are outward indications of who we are, but they no longer give an accurate account. I think this generates a culture where you begin to hide who you are both in terms of external factors and internal as well. 

Too, I think we’ve become so focused on these things that we start to associate external factors with internal.  Women (and men) tend to start overlooking obvious inadequacies in a personality because they are blinded by the bling – and let’s face it, there is a lot of bling out there to be had.  You don’t just have a horse and two acres of land and the clothes on your back.  You have all the things this capitalist economy has created to make us happy.  And I think relationships suffer and we see people in unhappy relationships because they were not truthful with each other from the start. The push to compete in the outward is prime and the internal gets put on the back burner.  People no longer cultivate their personalities; ask themselves who they are and what makes them happy. It’s plain to see that this is a recipe for disaster because when we do finally get the one we want, we begin to rely on the fact that we got them to make us whole and complete. And then we either stick with it miserably or waste a few years here in there in one failed relationship after another.  There’s a reason for all the psychological drugs and alcohol abuse out there. Relationships are for sharing with each other who we are as individuals, the good and the bad. Relying on someone to create who we are for us is not a good thing.

Kelsey: Are the dynamics between male/male partners different from the dynamics in a male/female relationship?

Evan: I think the dynamics are a lot more similar than most people assume.  Partly because I believe the dynamics are so simple in terms of the two kinds of personalities (what I would define as a dominant and a submissive personality type). You can have a dominant/submissive relationship, or the same of each.  And naturally, there are going to be varying shades of each that translate into any number of dynamics.  But the same goes for both heterosexual and same-sex relationships.  There is no normal, even though I think people fool themselves into thinking there is.  Too, we are all evolving as we live our lives.  There are things I never dreamed I would do or allow in terms of relationships and sex, but I find myself proving myself wrong every day. 

Kelsey: Do you believe that male/male couples encounter the same communication challenges male/female couples do? Or would you say gay couples have a totally different communication style?

Evan: Again, here I think the similarities are just as prominent.  The externalities may be different, but it all boils down to human relationships and nurturing them.  We all use the same modes of communication – the five senses (sometimes a sixth gets thrown in there).  They are no different for any one of us. Sex is pleasurable.  Being betrayed hurts. Feeling appreciated or wanted is fulfilling.  A joke makes us laugh.  Jealousy is enraging. Communication is simply conveying these feelings in a language; facial expressions, voice inflection, the production of tears or blushing, a returned touch or slap.  I hate to make this all sound so practical, but it really is quite simple.  Again, as with personality types, it’s the infinite variations in every single one of our personalities that make it so difficult to put our fingers on what exactly the other person is thinking. I think we realize this deep down but the undoing of our relationships is when we fail to give of enough of ourselves to translate and explore these variations.

Kelsey: Do men view sex differently from women? If so, how?

Evan: I do think men view sex differently than women for the most part.  I do think there is a very base physical need that tends to be present in most men’s sexual forays – the need to just get-off. I often wonder if it’s due to the nature of the male sexual organs that hits on what I mentioned earlier about the abundance of the male reproductive cell; the sperm.  It just gets produced non-stop.  I think there’s some evolutionary reason that we feel we have to get it out of our bodies. 

Women produce one egg at a time and perhaps their bodies subconsciously advise them to make wise choices in their sexual activity. I think women have sex to bond or to connect with someone that could very well be the father of their child.

With each, their bodies are telling them to live out evolutionary goals.  Now this isn’t to say that men can’t have sex for the same reason that a woman does or that a woman can’t just be looking for a little fun.  But I think deep down we know why our bodies are doing what they are doing when we have sex even if we convince ourselves that it’s for other reasons.  I doubt that I’m alone (and I tend to share a female outlook on sex) in my experiences of telling myself that I’m just going to have sex for the sake of sex when deep down, I want a connection.  I want that appreciation of who I am voiced in the physical…the intimate.  And I doubt there are many men (me included) who haven’t just rolled over and dozed off after we’ve gotten off.

But when all is said and done, our notions of what is and isn’t are undone by the uniqueness inherent in every one of us.  There are exceptions to every rule and changes that occur over time with all of us.  The proverbial cougar, who after bearing her children and passing on her genes, can enjoy sex for the sheer pleasure of it.  Or the guy, who after many years of being a player, finally finds that woman who will bear his children, and settles down and has sex to reinforce the bond with the woman he loves. The thing to remember is that sex is personal. It’s as simple as that. It’s frustrating as hell because you never know what to expect.  But therein lies the joy and pleasure of it as well.  You stretch your boundaries.  You find out what makes you feel good and what makes you feel fulfilled.

Kelsey: What’s the first thing you notice about a woman when you meet her? Do you think this is the same for both gay and straight men?

Evan: The first thing I notice (and I think this goes for straight guys too) is actually a combination of physical beauty as well as internal beauty.  I call it an aura.  Physical is naturally different for everyone, although there are some characteristics that tend to be similar for large groups. I think that it’s the personality that is the kicker.  And the crazy thing is that it requires not just a great personality, as there are a lot of people that have this.  The key ingredient is the confidence of a woman to not just have, but exude her personality.  That confidence is almost like an amplifier.  I have friends who aren’t necessarily drop-dead gorgeous but possess a self confidence (not arrogance, mind you) that makes everyone in the room gravitate toward them.  It makes heads turn.  It stops people mid-sentence to want to know who that girl is.

Now don’t get me wrong, we all ogle things that turn us on. The full pouty lips, the huge breasts, or the nice ass all make us do a double-take. But I think these quickly get pushed to the side. Good looks alone can only get you so far and that usually is in someone’s bed once or twice.  A winning personality will have men and women eating out of the palm of your hand forever.

And yeah, even as a gay man I appreciate a gorgeous woman…we all do. I just don’t really want to sleep with her.  I’d rather use her as bait to catch a group of hot straight guys.

Kelsey: What role do women play in your life?

Evan: I would have to say that I am more female-centric.  I do guy stuff and have a lot of great straight guy friends. I fish, I hunt (not so much anymore), I prefer to rough it when I camp, and I like big 4X4 diesel pickups.

But I prefer the company of women.  My mom, sister, and grandmothers are/were my best friends.  I feel a kinship with women that I don’t feel with men; a softness, an understanding, or rather an empathy.  I speak of a relationship in glowing, romantic, fairy tale-like ways and a woman understands exactly what I mean.  I can tell of how good it feels to be held in the strong arms of a man – that I’m protected or taken care of – and a woman gets it.

And I respect women.  I am a feminist by nature.  I am proud of the strong female figures that have proven that success in the business and professional world isn’t restricted to men.

RUers, take a moment to post a question or comment for Evan. As you can see, he’s an articulate and generous Visiting Professor. Thanks, Evan. And don’t be surprised if you find us knocking at your door again!

Be sure to join Tracey on Friday for Victoria Gray’s post on Historical Romance: Blending Fact With Fiction!

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