Comments on: Got N.U.T.s?

By: mp

mp — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 07:46:47 +0000

I appreciate what you are saying about N.U.T.S. and I think it is important… my question is what does a guy do who is for the most part making his NUTS a priority but then his partner decides she wants to turn mid stream in the relationship and take a completely different approach and direction in life? I feel like I have to chose between my NUTS and my marriage… although I dont really like the direction she is going I do love her and dont want to lose her…

By: Beppie Harrison

Beppie Harrison — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 16:59:59 +0000

Sorry I came late to the party, but reading through the post, comments, and responses has been enlightening. Thank Wayne for me! (I was, in fact, dealing with men the last three days but they’ve been air conditioning service men and installers and one of them talks ALL THE TIME.) Interesting to think about my husband, my son — even my father, now gone (who grew up surrounded by sisters, as has my son, but seemed to have survived the deprivation).

By: Terri Stone

Terri Stone — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 14:55:07 +0000

Bravo – great column. I have always believed that there’s plenty of room for men to be men and women to be women, AND for us all to get along. Historically, too many things become classified for women only or for men only and I think both the genders have suffered as a result. Just ask a male nurse or a female firefighter, or a stay-at-home dad, or a female in the military. I promise I won’t break out in a chorus of “What the World Needs Now,” but I hope we can keep edging towards a world where people can be who they want and are meant to be regardless of race, gender or geograhpic location.

Again, great column – thanks to all at Romance University and Mr. Levine.

By: Wayne

Wayne — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 21:48:13 +0000

To Sarah:

Thanks. Enjoy.

To Kate:

Your confusion is our confusion. It ain’t easy, this relationship thing. But let’s all keep doing our best to be the authentic people our spirits have sent us here to be. Suppose no one’s expecting anything spiritual from this blue-collar guy! We’re all here to learn. Sounds like this group is engaged in that process. I enjoyed our time together yesterday. So, thank YOU!

To Joan:

I know the N.U.T.s concept can sound, initially, like a chauvinistic trip back to the cave. I’m glad you can see that’s it’s not. The idea is to be the best men we can be so that we can cherish, protect, and respect our women and kids.

To Sherry:

A familiar spot for many women. You’ve got to let go of the “financial guilt” you’re holding on to. That’s not the source of your problem. You care about your husband and you can see he isn’t taking care of himself. My suggestion is that when you get back to 100%, live your life and be an example to him. Don’t allow the co-dependancy to strengthen. Perhaps when he sees you “moving on” a bit, he’ll get the hint. In the meantime, I wish you a full recovery.

To Jane:

I’m so glad you shared your story. Though your man has lost most of his men, he has a valuable gift to give younger men. If I had his ear, I’d encourage him to find a circle of men and to be an elder, to share his wisdom, to be father and grandfather to others. There are so many men thirsty for “father.” Perhaps this might light his fire. Though our culture, as a whole, doesn’t honor our elders, I think there are enough of us out there who do. Keep on writing, my dear!

AND NOW…THE POLICE BULLHORN AWARD

The most obvious contender is Wes. And had he stepped up and returned to the “ring,” he might have been the winner. Wes, if it’s ever your choice to open up to this discussion, this work, please chime in.

AND THE WINNER IS…

msl

The balance question is such an important one, so I award msl—whoever he or she is.

Bye for now.

Wayne

By: Sarah McDermed

Sarah McDermed — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 20:15:11 +0000

Wayne,

You’ve definitely given me food for thought! I’m looking forward to reading your book. Sarah

By: Jane Toombs

Jane Toombs — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 14:03:13 +0000

I almost never click on URLS in my digest form of my writer lists, but the subject intrigued me. I’m 82 and have been legally associated with two men, one now dead, and am now not legally associated with another. My first huisband had an overbearing father who I’m sure transmitted the message to his son that he never did anything right–never mind that his son became an MD. When, with five kids, I decided to try to fulfill my lifetime dream of writing, he became so threatned by this that he essentially told me it was the writing or him and nobody else would want me with five kids, because they’d go with me if I left. When I decided I didn’t care if that was true and chose writing, we divorced. In a writing class I met another man, who totally understood the need to write, even though he was successful in his own line of work. We evenually married, adding two stepchildren (his wife had died) to my five. What I divcovered about him was yes, my writing was fine, but otherwise I was not. After all the children were on their own, we did get along better and as far as writing was concerned, perfectly (we both sold everything we wrote). But every friendship I had with anyone, man or woman, threatened him. He died unexpectedly. Out of the blue an old high school classmate of mine called me from another state, saying he’d read one of my books and could I possibly have based my Swedish hero, in part, on him? I hadn’t consciously thought so, but he had been the only Swedish male I ever knew very well. Since we both were on our own, we got together and haven’t parted since then. I know why we do so well together is partly based on past acquaintance, but we do mesh unusally well, He’s not threatened by anything I do, for one thing, and is proud of my ability to write. But reading your comments, I understand what’s bothering him now. At 83, so many of his male friends have died that he has only one left and that man isn’t well. His three older brothers are all dead as well. So there are no longer any men to do something with, plus the problems age brings has stopped him from enjoying so many of the activities he once was able to do. Thanks for enlightening me on how much this meant to him. Understanding will increase my patience. Jane

By: Kate George

Kate George — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 02:39:18 +0000

Hi Wayne,

I’ve been reading all the posts and I can’t help commenting again. Is it just me, or are a lot of us women clueless as to how to get through to our guys. We want to help them, we don’t want to emasculate them, we want our sons to grow up strong and happy – but we don’t know what we should be doing, not doing, saying, not saying.

It’s difficult to let our men flounder, but not much we do or say has the desired effect. I don’t know about other women but I often feel as if it doesn’t matter what I do, it won’t be helpful.

It’s amazing to me that communication is such a huge obstacles in our relationships.

Thanks for being willing to respond to our confusion.

By: Sherry Weddle

Sherry Weddle — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 02:15:17 +0000

Very interesting topic, today. I’ve enjoyed reading the posts and replies, too.
My husband and I’ve been married over 40 years, raised six incredible kids, now all adults that we are proud of. My husband started his own small business over 20 years ago, and now all three sons and one daughter work there.
It’s been an incredibly difficult time to keep a small business afloat, first with 9/11, now with this economic recession/depression, whatever you want to call it.
Years ago, he had a very strong, spiritual support group of men he met with each Saturday morning at church, and this was incredibly fulfilling for him. Then one close friend moved away, and another. Soon he was not going to Group because of one thing and another. He doesn’t have close male confidants like he used to. He’s going the Macho Male Alone route now, keeping in all these worries about work, etc. to shield me.
I had major surgeries earlier this year, with some complications. I’m doing well now, but it terrified him. I was kept unconscious for five days after the second surgery for medical reasons) He’s now more protective of me than ever.
I’m not complaining, but I wish I could do more to help him. He does play some golf to destress, works out and rides his bike on the weekend, but works long hours six days a week, with the only exception being golf.
I try as much as I can to be sensitive to his emotional state, we are close in most areas. I wish I could help out financially, but am still in physical therapy and that’s not a reasonable goal.
I’d like him to find another male confidant, but I can’t force him. I’ve tried to get him to call his former close buddies and once in awhile they do talk, but he glosses over how work is doing. “It’s fine . . .”
Any suggestions?
Sherry

By: Karen

Karen — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 01:45:39 +0000

Hi Wayne,
I’ve enjoyed reading your thoughts and observations and the comments back and forth and agree with you about the importance and the benefits men receive from their relationships with other men at all different times of their lives, through good times and bad times, and that these relationships can help keep them “‘grounded”. My son recently finished active duty in the Marine Corps and he and his Marine brothers have very deep relationships that sometimes don’t even require talk….it really is a wonderful thing, that unspoken and spoken communication. Some of each person rubs off on the next, and the males are exposed to so many different backgrounds and views which impact their lives and perceptions..now our son hugs us and tells us he loves us!

Thanks for your writings. Enjoyed reading this.

By: joan giordano

joan giordano — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 00:27:56 +0000

Wayne, really enjoyed reading your observations. I sure could have used you and your advice a really long time ago. I was married (widowed now) to a man who was all man (by his standards with no disrespect) who thought his way was the only way — so now I understand the concept of Non-negotiable Unalterable Terms.