Welcome to our first edition of Query Writing 101 where Urban fantasy writer CJ Redwine will help one lucky reader craft a winning query letter. Let’s get right to it.
Our first letter comes from Jeane Daley. CJ’s comments are in bold.
LOOKING FOR JIMMY STEWART – WC 60,000 Contemporary Romance
This is a novel about the journey toward self-discovery and the relationship that often dictates the path one travels in pursuit of love and happiness.
[If these first two sentences are intended to be included as part of your query—don’t. You want to start with a compelling “back of the book” blurb to hook the agent. Then in your last paragraph you give the novel’s title, genre, and word count along with any relevant writing credentials. The second sentence is you “telling” in over-used, vague terminology what your story is about. It’s best to “show” the agent instead by writing a compelling hook that showcases your novel well. If you start with vague generalities, an agent may assume your manuscript contains the same.]
The old adage: ‘Bad things happen in three’s is right on the mark when flight attendant ALEXANDRA TEMPERLY, {ANDI}, loses her dream job, savings, and fiancée.
Looking for a fresh start and a simpler lifestyle she moves back home to Fairport. She soon realizes her basic job skills aren’t opening any doors for her and returns to school.
In the throws of all of Andi’s troubles, one night she attempts to unwind by watching a Jimmy Stewart flick. Without warning, the outside security lights flash on and she discovers a stranger in her yard, supposedly searching for a missing cat. The cat person turns out to be her neighbor’s nephew.
[These first three paragraphs read like a plot synopsis instead of a hook. Give us Andi. Help the reader instantly connect with her. If the reader doesn’t care about Andi, why would we care what happens to her? You can do this by saying something like “Andi Temperly—adventure-seeker extraordinaire—has everything she ever wanted. A dream job as a flight attendant where new experiences are the order of the day, a nest egg built up for the future, and an engagement to the man of her dreams. When _______ rips it all away from her, Andi has little choice but to give up her quest for adventure and head back home to the small town of Fairport where she struggles just to make ends meet.” I made up the adventure-seeker bit to use as an example so you could see how you can give us her personality and make the plot details relevant to her and, by extension, to your reader. We don’t need the extra details about going back to school or even the instance of watching a JS movie to relax. I realize it ties in to your title, but it’s not helping your hook.]
[Now that you have a solid paragraph for Andi, you need to introduce us to Jack. “Jack ____ is running from love. Hiding from ______ in his uncle’s house in Fairview, Jack wants nothing more than to _______________. When he accidentally trespasses on his neighbor’s lawn and meets the lovely Andi, fate throws him a second chance at love.” Clearly, I’m taking liberties here just to give you an example. Feel free to do with it what you will.]
Both ANDI and JACK have good reasons to hide from love, but once they meet they find even more reason to embrace it. Fate in the form of a JIMMY STEWART movie steps in and turns their lives around. Sparks fly, as their romance escalates into a roller coaster ride; spine tingling, unpredictable, terrifying and filled with incredible happiness. ANDI and JACK discover that love can make everything worthwhile. A future filled with hope, happiness and the certainty that trusting love is the best choice of all.
[Instead of giving us the ending, leave us wanting to know the ending. That’s how you hook readers. All you need here is a call to action or a question clearly laying out the stakes involved. i.e. “Will the pain of their pasts keep Andi and Jack from trying love again? Or will they discover that love can be the greatest adventure of all?” Something like that. That’s your whole paragraph.]
A little about myself – For several years I had the fun of writing a Humor Column for several local newspapers, and have sold several short stories to The Providence Journal. An active member of the Romance Writers of America, and From the Heart Critique Group.
[The beginning of this paragraph is where you say “Looking For Jimmy Stewart is a contemporary romance complete at 60,000 words.” Get rid of the “a little about myself” and jump right into “For several years…” Also, make your last sentence a complete sentence by adding a subject.]
My completed manuscript is available upon request. I appreciate your time.
Sincerely,
Jeane Daly
[Additional formatting issues: You’ll want to use either Times New Roman or Courier New font as those are the acceptable fonts within the publishing industry. Also, ditch the all caps thing for names. I’ve seen that work in a synopsis, but not in a query. Finally, don’t use bold font. Just go with regular. Good luck with your submissions!]
Thank you CJ and a special thanks to Jeane for allowing us to use her letter. Jeane, let us know how these suggestions work for you. We’d love to hear from you. For our readers, if you have a letter you would like CJ to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send the letter to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org. CJ will also take questions if you would like to send them. We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.
Join us on Wednesday when Tracey will present part one of Internet vs. Traditional Dating–One Woman’s Perspective.
CJ’s bio:
C.J. Redwine fears goats, loves stilettos and frequently lets her imagination run away with her. She writes edgy urban fantasy with a side of comic relief. You can learn more about her at www.cjredwine.blogspot.com and read samples of her writing, which is full of imagination and the occasional stiletto but is noticeably lacking in goats.
Want to learn how to write an amazing query letter? Need C.J. to comb through your query with a fine-tooth comb until you get it just right? Registration for her next online query workshop is open until October 10th. Go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com/ for more info.
Kelsey's serving up bite-sized morsels for your noggin on her new 
CJ – Welcome for your first monthly column!
And Jeane – Thank you for allowing RU to post your query. We hope this is helpful!
Kelsey
Posted by KelseyBrowning | October 4, 2009, 11:00 pmThanks! Looking forward to it.
Posted by C.J. Redwine | October 5, 2009, 9:39 amHi CJ! Congrats on your first monthly column with us.
Jeane, thank you for being CJ’s first victim, er, example! Good luck with the query process.
Tracey
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | October 5, 2009, 5:33 amThanks!! =D
Posted by C.J. Redwine | October 5, 2009, 9:39 amWhat a great article, C.J. I’m headed over to check out your workshop.
Posted by Marley | October 5, 2009, 8:13 amGreat! Hope to see you there. We’ll get your query in top-notch shape.
Posted by C.J. Redwine | October 5, 2009, 9:39 amCJ, great lecture! I took your GIAM class and I’ve been telling other writers how helpful it was.
About capitalizing names, it’s my opinion that they don’t work in synopses, either. They stop the reader, and the writer doesn’t want to stop the agent or editor reading it.
Posted by Edie | October 5, 2009, 8:24 amGood point.
And thanks for recommending me to others. I appreciate it!
Posted by C.J. Redwine | October 5, 2009, 9:38 amHi CJ
Thanks for the great critique of my query letter. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve rewritten the darn thing. LOL. Now I understand what has to be done to make it pop. So happy I was the chosen one. LOL
Thanks again, Jeane.
Posted by Jeane Daly | October 5, 2009, 9:12 amI’m glad you found it helpful!
Posted by C.J. Redwine | October 5, 2009, 9:37 amHi CJ…thanks for the post! Very informative – and many things we can all apply to our own query letters….
carrie
Posted by carrie | October 5, 2009, 9:18 amI’m glad you found it helpful. I hope you’re able to gain some insight into how to make your own query letter pop.
Posted by C.J. Redwine | October 5, 2009, 9:40 amGreat post C.J.! We’re excited to have you here every month.
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | October 5, 2009, 10:08 amThanks! I’m excited to be here.
Posted by C.J. Redwine | October 5, 2009, 1:24 pmThanks for showing us the whole process of editing and recrafting a query letter. I’ve just finished my WIP and am stuck in the clutches of trying to write synopsis and query letter to look for agented representation. So, timely topic for me.
I’m afraid this process requires such unique skills and strategy that it may take me as long to figure out the science of marketing my work as it did to actually create the work.
Thanks again for sharing.
Posted by Eden Glenn | October 6, 2009, 10:41 amEden, first of all, congratulations on finishing your WIP! What a huge accomplishment.
You’re right, the skills needed to write an effective query are much different than those needed to write an excellent novel. If you want extra help, send your query to the Romance University query 101 (under Labs) and perhaps yours will be chosen for an upcoming column. Also, you can check out my workshop at http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com where I teach you how to do it and offer as many personalized critiques as necessary to get yours to shine.
Posted by C.J. Redwine | October 6, 2009, 3:14 pmGreat post, CJ, and thanks, Jeane, for being brave enough for a public critique of your letter.
Like Edie, I took your class and came out with a kick-butt hook/query letter. And, yes, I tell everyone struggling with writing queries to check out your class. Having a great query made me feel so much more in control and confident when I was looking for agents. Turns out I landed an agent via a referral, so she didn’t see it at that time. She did have me send it to her as she prepared her proposal, though.
The key is a good hook. I learned from you that–just like a back cover blurb hooks a potential reader–a query should intrigue the agent enough that she wants to see more. On my current project, I actually started with the blurb, using your methods. I had to “hook” myself first in order to be excited about spending time writing this story.
Thanks again!
Posted by Laurie | October 6, 2009, 11:17 amAwesome news, Laurie! I’m so thrilled for you.
Like you, I’ve begun writing the blurb before the story. I love getting the heart of the story down in front of me. It’s really all the “outlining” I ever do.
Posted by C.J. Redwine | October 6, 2009, 3:15 pm