Welcome to Anatomy of the Male Mind! Today, Cathy P. gives us a no-holds barred look into the internet dating world–from a woman’s perspective. Internet dating has intrigued me for many years. To me, it’s like going on one blind date after another. The person’s profile is like your friend giving you the low down on her boyfriend’s friend, giving you all the good stuff and leaving out all the you-don’t-need-to-know-that-yet info.
But Cathy’s here to give us the “good stuff” and internet dating safety tips every woman should know. She’ll be checking in throughout the day to answer questions. Don’t be shy–it’s impossible to make Cathy blush. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Here are a few vitals about Cathy:
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Ethnicity: White
Region: Midwest
Status: In a Relationship
Cathy, take it away!
What led to your decision to try internet dating and how long did you use it?
I decided to try out internet dating because I really didn’t know where to meet men. I work two jobs, so time is an issue. Plus I don’t go to church or belong to any organizations, never meet or see many men in the grocery stores, don’t care for dating people I work with and with the bar scene you run into the same crowd.
What was your goal – to find the one, companionship, sex?
I started out on the internet with the idea of finding the one, my soul mate. I did date several men some for short periods and others for longer periods. As time progressed, I found that I didn’t need that soul mate. I actually liked being my own person but it took some heartbreaking rejections, me being rejected and me doing the rejection. I found I didn’t want to live their life. I wanted to live my life my way. So then the dating became companionship, someone to share time with, yet still have our own places and our own space to escape to.
How does it differ from traditional dating methods?
I think this method is a great way to meet many people and is much better then the traditional methods. I have met men in my own neighborhood on the net that lived down the street that I have never ran into in the grocery store due to the simple fact we have too many of the same stores within blocks of each other. I would never have run into a man who lived 10 miles away because I tend to shop, eat, have cocktails in local places, not 10 miles away. It does open up your boundaries from even 2 miles away.
Where did you meet men prior to internet dating?
I didn’t do much dating until the net. I’d meet guys at the bar, but it never turned into anything. Most of the guys at work were married or too young.
What sites have you utilized?
I have used Match.com, Millionaire Match, Date.com and many others thinking not everyone joins all of these services. I was wrong. Other people were doing the same thing I was. It’s the same people on many sites, probably hoping like I was that they were going to find the one person who only joined one service.
Did you have any long-term relationships occur as a result of this service? One night stands?
I have had a few relationships and made many friends that I’m still in contact with, and, yes, I do have to admit I’ve had a couple one night stands.
Have you ever seen your date from afar, didn’t like what you saw, and left him sitting there waiting?
I am not that kind of person to ditch people, however, my sister would do this to men all the time. My first date was like the date from hell. I met the guy at a bar/restaurant. When I arrived, I called him and asked him to meet me outside. He replied, “No, just come in.” Now, I started thinking about my sister and how she treated men, so I figured this was gonna be the pay back. I walked in, pretending I was suppose to be there and walked into a mass of people. How was I suppose to find this guy? There were no single guys sitting at tables, so I figured he had to be at the bar. With his back to me. No photos on dating sites of guys’ backs! Then, an idea came to me. I called him again and waited for one of the guys at the bar to answer his phone. Needless to say, that date didn’t work out. But it felt good to outfox the guy.
From this incident, I learned never to let myself get into a position where the guy can check me out and dump me before ever meeting me! It’s hard enough to go somewhere alone to meet a stranger. So, I would get the guy’s cell phone number, call him on arrival and have him meet me at the door. No way would I look through a bar to find my date. If the guy wanted to meet me, then he could greet me at the door and we’d enter together.
What misconceptions do people (users & non-users) have about internet dating?
A lot of people think it is a meeting place strictly for sex (for some men, this is true). That it’s dangerous (who says you can’t meet a serial killer at a grocery store?). Women are selling themselves (don’t we always sell ourselves?). And the men are not what they pretend to be (well, are we always telling the truth?).
Do you recommend internet dating versus traditional?
Yes, I highly recommend internet dating versus traditional dating! You can meet a person 5 miles away that you would never have run into otherwise. It opens many doors compared to traditional dating.
What advice do you have for women considering this option? What do they need to know in order to protect themselves from potential predators?
I can write a book on this, but my biggest recommendation is always tell someone what you are doing, send them a copy (NOT THE LINK) of the guy’s profile to their email so they have a photo and whatever else he wrote and it can never disappear. Always meet at a public place and, if you get drinks, always get the drink when you are present. I would tell the waitress when I went to use the washroom that if my friend orders me a drink to wait till I come back to the table to deliver it. They knew what I was doing and I never had an issue. I don’t want something dropped into my drink while I’m away. If you both decide to change locations, never ever get into his car. You drive yourself to the next spot. By entering his car, you put yourself at risk. Never invite a guy back to your place–no matter how good it sounds. Remember, he will now know where you live!! Always check in with a friend when you leave and when you get home. A good friend will not have a problem with this. You need to think and protect yourself. A guy should never get offended with you doing any of this. If he does, then there is an issue with him.
Are you still involved in internet dating? If not, why? If yes, have your goals changed from when you first began using this service?
No, I have not used it in over 5 years, I did meet someone who was on the service as well. We met at a bar, but never ran across each other on the site. We started dating seriously, so I ended internet dating. That relationship ended, and I have since met another person, but I haven’t returned to internet dating.. If I do go back on, I will be looking strictly for companionship, and, if I come across the one, then I will go from there.
For the first date, what do you generally do (drinks, coffee, dinner)? Did your “process” change as you went along?
I usually went for drinks at a bar. I never felt right going for dinner on a first meet and making him pay for it, plus, if I wasn’t interested, I didn’t want to have to sit through the whole dinner with him.
How many men have contacted you first for a date?
I contacted several men. I felt safe since it wasn’t really a face to face rejection. I was a little bolder on the net. You actually feel kinda of in power because you know you would never have done it in person.
Did you ever offer to pay or split the bill? Did the guys let you pay?
I would usually offer to buy the 2nd or 3rd round of drinks if we were there that long. It is only fair in my eyes, and, if I liked the guy, I didn’t want him to think I was just there to free load off him. Oh yeah, they always let me pay.
What’s your strategy for a quick exit?
I would meet the person, have a drink, and then tell them I have to get up early so I’ll have to make this an early evening. I never could just up and leave him there without saying goodbye and thank you. I find most guys are interesting to chat with even if you have no thoughts of ever seeing him again.
Have you ever expected sex on a first date? Have you ever gotten sex on a first date?
I never planned sex on the first date, but it has happened.
Did you ever have sex with a guy you weren’t attracted to?
No, I would never have sex with a guy I wasn’t attracted to. I don’t mean in a physical way only either. I do become attracted to guys for their personality, humor etc.
Do you usually end up at his place or yours?
If we end up somewhere, it would usually be his place. I don’t want someone to know where I live until I am 100% comfortable.
What’s the first thing you saw on a man’s profile that made you want to contact that person?
Photos
What was the second thing you looked at besides the photo (income, kids, smoking)?
Kids at home (I am not looking to be a mom), and then income (not looking for a millionaire but don’t want to support him either. I like it when they guy’s making a tad bit more then me usually).
What are the top two things men lie about on their profiles?
Men always lie about their age, of course, making themselves younger. They use older photos but not like from high school. Next, they lie about their height. They always make themselves taller than they really are. Last thing would be salary. I like when they say they’re making $150K a year, but they’re living with roommates.
Thanks, Cathy!
RU Readers, do you know anyone who’s used an internet dating service? Did s/he find The One? Check back on October 28 for Part Two: A Guy’s Perspective on Internet Dating.
Tune in Friday for Mary Buckham’s lecture on Troubleshooting Your Plot Holes! Leave a comment for a chance to win a copy of Break Into Fiction or a one-on-one help with a query letter–winner’s choice!
Carrie Spencer, writing romantic comedy and goofy middle-grade, personifies her alter-ego - 
Cathy -
Thanks for being here at RU! I’m curious about the strangest thing that ever happened to you while pursuing the internet dating route.
Kelsey
Posted by KelseyBrowning | October 7, 2009, 4:41 amI have had had so many strange dates it is hard to choose one. When I would meet these guys, I always liked to ask what was their funniest or weirdest date. I have many of those stories, but let’s get back to me. I did finally meet a guy that I have been emailing and we finally started to talk on the phone prior to meeting in person. Things were going pretty good. We finally met at a local bar face to face. I thought to myself, hmm…not bad looking, pretty accurate on his profile, so I was feeling good. We talked the basic stuff–kids, work, pets etc..then he started talking about his ex-wife of 2 years. He started with stories on how he would follow her everywhere she went without her knowing. This guy then explained about how he would sit in the basement and listen in on all her phone calls, and he even started to record them all. Now I’m thinking this guy is really weird! I finally asked him if he thought she was cheating on him and did he catch her cheating after all this–and he said no. This guy was over the top. Gee, I wonder why she divorced him. I had one more drink with him and said I really got to get going.
Posted by Cathy | October 7, 2009, 2:57 pmWelcome, Cathy! Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Tracey
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | October 7, 2009, 5:24 amThank you for inviting me!
Posted by Cathy | October 7, 2009, 2:58 pmThis was really interesting. I might use some of this in a future book. There are things here that I’ve never thought about.
Posted by Edie | October 7, 2009, 8:34 amMusic to my ears! Edie, this response is one of the many reasons for posts like today’s. Thanks!
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | October 7, 2009, 12:19 pmI have thought about writing about it, but wouldn’t even know where to start! There are so many things about Internet dating I found fun, exciting, interesting and scarey all at the same time. You do have different classes of people mixing and all kinds of stories! Females even want to meet you even when you’rr listed as looking for a male. I even met a girl on-line who pretended to be a guy to find out if I was dating a guy she was dating just because the guy and I lived a few blocks from one another. Lots of stuff, plus I have many friends who have used the site both male and female where information could be tapped.
Posted by Cathy | October 7, 2009, 3:09 pmHi Cathy! Thanks for the interesting article….I met my husband over the net…not while internet dating, but while looking for a job – he turned out to be my boss for a time! My question is do you face a lot of sarcasm from friends and family? “Oh, you met him on the internet???” Followed by wiggling eyebrows, and a smirk …I got that a lot at first, so now I hardly ever mention how we met!
carrie
Posted by carrie | October 7, 2009, 8:48 amWhat suprised me was my sister who is 13 years younger than me tried it out first and would talk about it and I never had thought much about it. Then, one day I signed up for one and later signed up for many. I had all of them going at the same time. I told my parents, and, of course, I thought my mother who is the “with it Mom” would be all for it. Surprise! She had a whole other outlook on it and said those guys on the net are only looking for sex! She even commented on how I dressed and told me what I should wear and “You will never meet a guy with money on there, they don’t use the internet” She never nagged me about it just made her comments and afterwards never gave her real opinion on it, even after meeting several of the guys. Now, my Dad suprised me by saying, “hey it opens doors. You would never meet someone 2 towns away because you would never run into them casually.” My parents met several of the guys I met on the net. Most of the time people ask what is it like–did you like it? Would you do it again? Things like that. But I am by far the normal one of the group.
Posted by Cathy | October 7, 2009, 3:18 pmI just stopped by to see what today’s post was all about and I can’t NOT stop and respond to this… I met my husband through match.com.
Hubby wasn’t by any means my first relationship or date through internet dating — I’d done it for years. I’m a geek to the core, constantly at my computer and so I always considered it a viable option to meet new people — even back in the days when AOL was the only game in town. I met friends there, dates, people I found I wasn’t compatible with, ones I was…and ultimately, my hubby.
The thing about internet dating is setting expectations realistically. You don’t expect every single person you talk to in life to be “the one” or the best date ever, so you shouldn’t expect that from internet dating either.
And you have to be patient, be willing to try and try again. As writers, really, that’s sort of a way of life. LOL
Posted by Jeannie Ruesch | October 7, 2009, 11:41 amJeannie, love it! And I would never label you “geeky.” Fabulous, professional, amazing graphic designer…now, those I’d use.
Hugs, Tracey
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | October 7, 2009, 12:22 pmThis is true, you do try and try again. I have many male friends that I met on the sites that I still talk with. One is my male best friend. I can call him and throw “what do you thinks” at! You do have disappointments and feel rejections. You also reject and sometimes you are just left there pondering what happened on that date. Was that person really from this planet? You also wonder what people think about you as they walk away. It opens many doors and I feel helps you to communicate with people, strangers by email, phone then person to person. You will probably never meet and marry the guy you have pictured in your mind and if we would drop that expectation we may meet the one in our dreams, he just looks different.
Posted by Cathy | October 7, 2009, 3:24 pmIt’s funny that you mention that — because my hubby is not at all the “type” I used to date. Physically, he’s blond and has gorgeous blue eyes and I always seemed to fall for the “tall, dark and a pain in the…” type. But from the moment I saw him, something was different, something clicked.
So yes, I completely agree — what I found was successful with match was expanding my options and then not getting too engaged in the pre-meeting stage. If you’re seriously looking for a “match”, then chemistry is just as important as the rest. A sure way to set yourself up for disappointment is to spend weeks emailing/chatting with someone, think it’s amazing and then find out that you’re nothing but friends in chemistry.
And I hear you on the “is he from this planet” ones, too! LOL
Posted by Jeannie Ruesch | October 7, 2009, 3:30 pmOh yea I have had great chemistry with guys via phone and email and then when we finally met person to person he sat there like a lump on a log. Not animated like he was in our prior communications at all, I was like wow he was confident until he met and that goes to show you it goes both ways for men and women. A guy of course will never admit to that. There were guys as soon as I saw them I thought no way and we ended up dating for a bit. Pre-expectations as I like to call them. I now have no expectations other then employed, and in reasonably good health and thats not asking for much. I don’t look for certain kind of hair, body type, income dollars..thats not what is gonna make you happy its the person himself and how he treats you and others around you that really count.
Oh and there were many waaaay out there!
Posted by Cathy | October 7, 2009, 3:49 pmHi, Cathy. Thank you for a great post. I have a friend who met her husband through Match.com and they are a great team. She was fierce with Match though. She would screen, screen, screen before she actually met them. She met a lot of potential mates, but she knew what she was looking for and actually approached it, in the beginning, almost like a negotiation. She said it was a fun way to date because she didn’t get emotional about it. They’d meet for coffee and she’d have no expectations going in.
It’s not for everyone, but there are a lot of people doing it and enjoying it and why not?
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | October 7, 2009, 3:15 pmThe thing I think is great about this type of dating is if you see something you like, you have the option to try and obtain it! You don’t have to wait! You do become bolder and more confident as time goes. The biggest plus is there are no expectations from either side and that makes things much easier to move along and meet the next person.
Posted by Cathy | October 7, 2009, 3:32 pm