Today, we welcome Wayne Levine once again! He’s going to share some general background on his organization’s Men’s Weekend, a retreat for men only. As a Texas gal, I find this fascinating because a men’s weekend in Texas would likely include a few cases of Budweiser, some shotguns and several dead animals. From what I can tell, no animals or aluminum cans were harmed during the course of Wayne’s weekend.
Welcome, Wayne!
Inquiring minds want to know what you boys do on a men’s retreat?
Some of the moments we experience on our retreats would make National Enquirer readers blush. Unfortunately for the readers, what we do at our BetterMen Men’s Weekend is strictly confidential.
Though I can give you a sense of what we do, I would never reveal exactly what we do from Thursday 6pm to Sunday noon.
This is an initiation into manhood. In its entirety, the Weekend is a ritual, a beginning, for most men, as they embark on their journeys to grow up and to become the men they’ve always wanted to be.
To become a fully realized man, one must learn to trust being in the company of other men, mentors, guides, teachers. That leap of faith, for men who don’t trust easily, begins as soon as they agree to attend the Weekend. Since they won’t know what actually goes on there, they have to trust the man who introduced them to the work.
But then there are participants who decided to attend simply after finding us on the Internet. Now, these guys have real cojones! They don’t know anything about us and have no connection to any man doing the work. Their commitment to change is quite impressive. They’re serious!
How many attend? How many stay the entire time? How many “trainers”?
We can accommodate up to 80 men. We’ve typically had 20+ participants. But the word is spreading.
In the past eight years, we’ve only had one man leave. And he left within the first couple of hours. He had come simply to please his friend. He hadn’t paid attention to what he was committing to.
We have had to send a couple of men home because their behavior was no longer welcome. A man’s behavior has to be off the chart to be unacceptable to our circle of men. I mean, we can get pretty rowdy.
The ages have ranged from 19 to 75. We’ve had brothers, fathers and sons, and uncles and nephews. Though most of the men are hetero, we have had a few openly gay men attend, and become staffers.
We generally have a production staff of 20-25 men, five of whom are the primary facilitators. But it’s a team effort from start to finish. In working together, the staff models what our work is all about: supporting each other to win in our lives.
Highly emotional? Or just guys hanging out and talking?
Our time together is highly emotional, amazingly stupid, enormously fun, remarkably spiritual, and intensely intimate. The games, rituals, and exercises we do with the men are designed so that they can experience themselves as men in the company of other men under a variety of circumstances.
Sometime during the Weekend, every man will be pushed up against his barriers. This usually happens more than once. But you never know exactly when it will happen for any particular man. It could be when we start our work around fathers, during a quiet, sacred moment around the fire, or when playing a simple game.
We have buttons and it’s our job to push ‘em. When the buttons are pushed, we have an opportunity to learn, trust, change and grow.
Why do men attend a retreat like this?
Men come for these reasons and more:
Unhappy in relationships.
Can’t get into a relationship.
Angry.
Depressed.
Stuck.
Lonely.
Want better relationships with kids.
Want to feel more like a real man.
Drawn to masculine energy.
Unhappy with life choices.
Want better relationship with father.
Wife threatened she would leave if he didn’t change.
Life is a mess and he wants to clean it up.
A trusted friend recommended it.
Adventure.
What do the men hope to get out of it?
They want to be happier, to get clarity on their relationship and career decisions. They want to be more loving with their wives and to stop being so angry with their kids.
Some want to feel more at peace, to discover their higher purpose, or to learn how to connect spiritually.
And then there are men who have so little hope, after having taken a beating in life, they’re just taking one last stab at trying to discover joy, figuring out how to build a family, or a finding a sense of purpose in their lives.
What do they actually get?
Some men actually get what they came for. And when these guys have epiphanies or breakthroughs, it’s amazing to witness. This kind of work has the potential to change lives. It’s fantastic when we can actually see it happening.
Most men have an incredible time at the Weekend, and their experience is a jumpstart in their commitment to make changes back home.
How do you gauge the retreat’s success?
If a man loses his voice, he went all the way. That’s all we can ask.
What do the men do after the retreat is over?
As we tell the men over and over throughout the Weekend, they can’t expect to make lasting changes without the continued support of initiated men.
Some men join BetterMen groups in Southern California or over the phone. Some men work with me individually. Others join circles of men in their areas. Unfortunately, a good number of men allow their experience with the men to slip away, and with it, their commitment to change.
Are there any females in the vicinity?
Well, uh, that would ruin everything.
Men need their time together, alone, without distractions, kids and women. And I have to say, especially women.
Let me put it this way:
You have a circle of highly committed, serious men who have spent a great deal of money, and have set aside time to become better men, fathers and husbands. They’ve prepared for this Weekend for months. They’ve made sure that their jobs and businesses can carry on without them for a few days. They’ve sacrificed being with their kids at their games, and with their women at dinners and events. They’ve done all of this because they want to change, to be happier, to find their place among the men, to be more comfortable in their own skins. They’ve revealed themselves to each other and have pushed themselves through countless barriers, emotional and physical.
Then…enter one woman. (Let’s make her reasonable attractive.)
The men are now all thinking about one thing: how they’d like to do her. That’s it. Our work comes to a screeching halt!
It takes a great deal of effort for men to trust one another, to create an environment where intimacy can grow, where they can feel safe enough to reveal their secrets and to ask for help. Once they experience this, then they’re in a better position to bring that strength home to their women. But in this process, there’s no place for women. That’s why we call it a Men’s Weekend.
RU crew, what questions do you have for Wayne about the Men’s Weekend?
Also – be sure to join us on Friday for another “Ask an Editor” lecture by Red Sage Managing Editor, Theresa Stevens!
Wayne’s Bio:
Wayne M. Levine, M.A. is the director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, CA, where he coaches and mentors men, and facilitates men’s groups. He also created the BetterMen Retreats for men, and for fathers and sons. In addition, Wayne is the founder of BetterMen.org, a life coaching and mentoring resource for men.
Wayne’s interest in men’s issues began in the early ‘90s with his participation in men’s work activities. His experiences with men’s groups, as a participant, leader and program developer, taught Wayne to “father” men and to support them in making difficult and important changes in their lives.
He earned his Master’s in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University/Los Angeles. Wayne also received his BA in journalism and graduated Magna Cum Laude and Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Southern California.
Wayne’s been married to his first and only wife, Ria, for over 25 years and is the proud daddy of Emma, Austin and the family’s menagerie of animals. Wayne strives to be a better man, husband and father each day in Oak Park, CA.
Carrie Spencer, writing romantic comedy and goofy middle-grade, personifies her alter-ego - 
Wayne -
The whole concept of a men’s retreat fascinates me. Can you give us an example of a couple of ways men bond with each other – either at the retreat or in “real life?” I think of things like fishing and hunting (yes, the animal thing again) when I think of male bonding.
Thanks for being with us today!
Kelsey
Posted by KelseyBrowning | October 13, 2009, 11:45 pmThese bonds happen throughout the Weekend.
We give the men opportunities to tell the truth, about their relationships with their fathers, their pain and anger. When one man reveals his long-held secrets, other men instantly connect, are given permission to reveal what they’ve been holding onto for years, and then the bonds are forged.
We have a sweat lodge. It’s an amazing experience, both personally and as a means to bond with other men who went on the adventure with you.
But fishing and hunting work, too!
Posted by Wayne Levine | October 14, 2009, 9:37 amHi Wayne,
Thanks for giving us an inside look at your retreat. You gave us a list of why men attend, but is there one “issue” that seems to be the biggest challenge? That you deal with again and again?
Thanks,
Tracey
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | October 14, 2009, 5:38 amMen have little direction in their lives. They may have a sense of what they “ought” to be doing with their lives and relationships, but they don’t have the confidence that comes from being validated from other men, from dad.
And of course, men need all the help they can get to stop being little boys in their relationships.
Posted by Wayne Levine | October 14, 2009, 9:39 amMorning Wayne…
interesting article! Is this something you do on a monthly basis? weekly? I can only imagine it must be a very exhausting weekend if you’re hoping the men lose their voices by Sunday afternoon! =)
Do you ever have repeat customers or do they mostly feel they’ve done it all in one “session”?
carrie
Posted by carrie | October 14, 2009, 8:39 amWe currently hold the Weekend annually, And yes, it’s extremely exhausting.
Men do return, but mostly as staff members. Being on the production team gives them a chance to give back, as they continue to do their work.
This work—being a better man—is never done!
Posted by Wayne Levine | October 14, 2009, 9:41 amHi, Wayne. Thanks for sharing. I’d still like to be a fly on the wall! LOL.
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | October 14, 2009, 11:03 amHere’s my issue and it really is meant with total respect and curiosity.
Where exactly is the intersection between the “cojones” you refer to and common sense? The problem with not divulging specifics (you call it strictly confidential, others might call it secretive) is that people truly can’t make informed decisions.
One of the few specifics given is that you have a sweat lodge, yet just 3 days ago a sweat lodge ceremony at an unrelated retreat resulted in the death of two men
http://www.nytimes. com/2009/ 10/12/us/ 12lodge.html?
As much as I like your book and articles I think that it is a real possibility that you could reach and help a lot more men if you just told them what exactly they are getting into before they put their lives and money in your hands.
Posted by gabe | October 14, 2009, 12:42 pmDivulging specifics about our Weekend is like talking about a movie that someone really wants to see. Once you say it, the effect is gone. Why go see it if you know the ending?
Now, I could tell you more specifics and you would still have a profound experience. But we’ve found that dealing with the unknown, and the fears and insecurities that come up for men, is an important part of the process of learning to trust the men, learning to trust yourself.
But I’m willing to wager that even if I told you everything we did, in minute detail, YOU would never join us. You don’t trust. You have issues with men. The language of masculinity frightens you.
Confidentiality isn’t secrecy. It is vital for forming trusting relationships with men. Perhaps you’ve never experienced that sort trust. Most men haven’t. But I assure you, it’s a wonderful thing to share with other men. It’s the foundation for receiving the wisdom we all need to be the best men, fathers, husbands brothers, etc., we can be.
BTW, I’m glad you posted your thoughts.
A word about the tragedy in Sedona. It is so unfortunate that, though sweats have been conducted for thousands of years—and I have never heard of an associated death—the general public will now associate this sacred ritual with what they’ve read in the paper. Something very odd took place. These folks were not cared for in the way that I have ALWAYS witnessed in the many lodges in which I’ve participated. I hope the truth is revealed and we can all go on with our lives. But I’m afraid our litigious culture will cause venues to refuse sweats on their properties. I hope this is not the case.
Posted by Wayne | October 14, 2009, 1:04 pmIt’s fascinating to me that men seem much more likely to create ‘secret’ rituals and societies. Think of the Masons, Skull & Bones…even the Shriners have secret rituals.
Sure, women occasionally kidnap their friends for a ladies weekend. But we all know what’s really going to happen – a lot of shopping and eating and talking. No secret there.
Why do you think men gravitate toward secrecy as a manifestation of trust?
Posted by Sherri | October 15, 2009, 8:20 amI can’t speak to the historical perspective, but I will tell you what I know about men today.
What binds us is trust. And what creates those bonds is very different for men than for women.
It’s very easy for women, or unconscious men, to ridicule other men for their choices. It’s one of the primary reasons why the men’s movement of the early 90′s went underground—they were ridiculed and criticized to death by the mainstream press, radical feminists, and angry young men. After all, all of their hard work has been reduced to a cliche, “Oh, you gonna drum naked in the woods?”
Men are full of shame, for various reasons. It’s hard enough for them to gather. As it is, they try exceedingly hard to avoid embarrassment. It stands to reason that they would want to protect themselves and their activities from further ridicule.
Posted by Wayne Levine | October 15, 2009, 5:05 pmI have been thinking lately that men are being increasingly marginalized in the world today, at least, with regard to the “traditional male” role model. Things are changing very rapidly in our modern world, and I think that the sexual revolution of the 60′s and 70′s is now coming home to hit men’s attitudes towards themselves based on the evolution of women who had to completely re-evaluate themselves in the decades since that revolution. (By that I mean that many women who grew up dreaming of Prince Charming were suddenly faced, just at the time they thought they would find their life-partner, with the attitude of “hey, you’re liberated now, I am not required to provide for your welfare and comfort, but I still expect you to cook, clean and care for the kids because those jobs are not manly”.)
It is also very interesting to me that the “ideal male” in most romance fiction is still the epitome of the traditional male: self-confident, self-aware, strong, smart and largely able to push down any emotions which might hinder his ability to act decisively. Women want all these qualities in men, but they also want understanding, sensitivity, and the ability to be vulnerable without becoming weak.
Do you think that it is possible for men to find strength in being a “house-husband”? Will men ever be able to understand that even if their woman is the breadwinner (or even just makes a larger salary) it is not as important to most woment as someone who is understanding, caring, strong and a real partner in life?
I guess what I’m asking is are we romance writers fooling ourselves and our readers into thinking this could ever be the case?
Posted by Diane | October 15, 2009, 6:44 pmDo you really believe that women feel comfortable making more or being the breadwinner while there husbands are at home with the kids? Of course, women want all of the other things you listed. But don’t they also want to be cared for by a strong man, man who hunts and gathers for them?
I don’t know men who are truly comfortable with that setup AND feel like the men they want to be. I’m not suggesting it’s impossible or wrong. But with the messages we’ve been raised on and continue to be bombarded with, it’s very difficult to not feel “wrong” if that’s your choice.
Posted by Wayne Levine | October 15, 2009, 9:43 pmYou can’t be in two places at once. If you’re worried about what other people think, then you’re not present in your own relationships.
Posted by Sherri | October 16, 2009, 8:13 am