Our friend Mike Schwartzman (aka Bad Boy) joins us again, but this time to talk about his battle with drug addiction. Mike’s journey has been a long one and continues even now. Today, he speaks freely about his struggles and what he had to do to regain control of his life. It takes a great deal of courage to put the last twenty years of your life on a blog like this, so help me give Mike a warm welcome.
Mike has graciously agreed to stop by and answer questions.
What finally made you get clean?
I was before a judge again. Rather than return me to prison he gave a choice: seek help in treatment in the community and go on probation or go back to prison for ten years. Getting clean was based on math. There had been a desire for change brewing the last few years without any success.
How did you get clean? Did you tap into a support group?
I lived in a drug treatment center for the first 15 months and worked there for another year following. The 12 step programs also have served as support.
What did drugs give you that you couldn’t get through other means?
In the beginning drugs were fun. But I wanted to have fun all the time. So I did drugs all the time. There was a freedom that came with drug using. The rules did not apply to me. I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. The girls who were in that world were loose and that made the sex thing easier. Sort of a barter system I guess. Social acceptability is overrated in my opinion! There was a social ease. The rules were simple where in other circles they seemed more complex.
Are bad boys prone to addiction? If so why?
I am not well versed on bad boys and only speak from experience. Yes could be my only response. The why in my world is they were there. I believe we are all good, and when we turn away from being good we are going against our nature. Drugs numb the feelings that go along with going against our nature. I could not look at myself in the mirror. Self loathing stared at me. I was not raised in a bad environment. I knew better. I cannot blame others for my choices. Drugs blurred everything. As they lost that ability I used more heavier drugs.
What roles did women play in your addiction? Or getting clean?
I guess I was never a total bad boy. There was a very human experience that happened for me with women. I guess they were some sort of an anchor to the “normal” world. My using would have been quite different were it not for the women I loved. Those love affairs were the only sane thing in my life! Each tried to get me to change which ended the affair. They loved me. Without them I would have felt no love. I loved them. I didn’t mistreat them. As addiction progressed there were no more real love affairs within my world. My love affair was with drugs!
When in the midst of your addiction, did you know drugs were controlling your life?
Denial is not a river in Egypt. I knew for a long time drugs were a problem. However I belIeved I could stop whenever I wanted. I could tell myself that lie until the end. I blamed everything else.
During those times when you turned to crime to support your addiction, did you mentally fight with the consequences?
Not very much. I would have to work hard to find times when I fought that battle. I don’t know how that came to be but consequences were not much of a deterrent. I got guilty when I got caught.
Can you share with us the steps in your recovery: How did you feel during each phase?
I entered a drug treatment facility April 29, 1976. Much of my early recovery was in the facility and therefore not pure recovery. There is a clear defining line that separates the two. Coupled with the fact that I began this journey over three decades ago it is tough to remember. I believe recovery began when I stopped being compliant and surrendered. The initial surrender was powerlessness over drugs. I had the power of choice only if I did not take the first one. I never knew the first one was the real problem. Without that nothing else happens. A long story covers the next six years. Making contact with a power greater than myself was not easy for me. What needs to follow the initial surrender is somehow making that connection. I went on a journey trying to find another way. It lasted six years. Then I surrendered again. This surrender was about coming to believe and turning my will and life over to a power greater than myself. The journey continues and volumes could I write and never tell it all. Feelings were and are everywhere and in everything. To allow a power greater than oneself to remake you into what you would have been were it not for getting sidetracked for twenty years is a wild adventure. It continues today!
Are there programs to help individuals before they become addicts? programs to help addicts?
Yes. I only believe wholeheartedly in the twelve step recovery and am unwilling to endorse anything else. Treatment is a good thing but only deals with us during compliance. Compliance often leads nowhere with addicts.
What are you doing these days to stay clean and help others?
I go to a minimum of three meetings a week. I give back to the fellowship most of what is asked of me. I work one on one with men who ask me to help them along the road of recovery. I work at my own program with a man I have asked to help me on my path. 12 step recovery is learned in the rooms and hopefully taken out into society and used as a way of life. I live this way.
Thank you, Mike!
RU Readers, have you ever dealt with an issue (doesn’t have to be drugs) that controlled your life? If so, how did you take control of the reins again?
On Friday, I’ll be speaking to author Jessica James on how to get the most out of your research. Stop by and see what she has to say.
Kelsey's serving up bite-sized morsels for your noggin on her new 
Mike -
As always, thanks so much for visiting RU. Do you ever see your past as the hand of fate at work? If not for your addiction, it seems unlikely you would be involved with some of the programs/people you are. Does your present make you see your past in a different light?
Kelsey
Posted by Kelsey Browning | December 2, 2009, 6:32 amhowdy & good morning kelsey
yes! it is possible i might never have met god,
i would never have met my kids or grandkids.
my view of the past keeps changing. at this point
i am grateful for my past. most significant i might
never have met me!
Posted by mike schwartzman | December 2, 2009, 10:29 amHi Mike,
Thanks again for sharing your feelings on such a difficult and sensitive topic.
Is there one person you credit the most that helped you turn things around?
Have you read any fiction books lately that had a drug addict as a character? If so, what did the author get right in her characterization? What did s/he get wrong?
Thanks,
Tracey
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | December 2, 2009, 6:42 amhowdy & good morning tracey
there is a list of people in my case.
my mother being the irish catholic probably prayed me into recovery,
the judge should, on paper, have returned me to prison and not given
me any choice.
danny had been clean 7 years. we had known each other in prison.
he gave me hope and the strength to go on early on.
edward bunker wrote “no beast so fierce”. i would say he was a drug
addict.therefore he got it right. a movie called drugstore cowboy did
a pretty good job.
thanx
mike
Posted by mike schwartzman | December 2, 2009, 10:41 amThank you, Mike for sharing your struggle with such a personal issue.
I believe that an addict has to want to make the change, and the people they love can’t make that happen. I am wondering if someone could do it alone, without the help of outside support. It seems to me the outside support would be vital.
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | December 2, 2009, 8:28 amThanks for being courageous enough to speak about such a personal topic.
You mentioned that you had to learn how to surrender to a higher power. Do you think someone could stay sober without believing in some higher being? Do you still struggle today, 30 years later, or do you go to meetings more for comfort and a sense of not being alone? Or do you go so you can help others the way you had been helped?
Again, thanks for being so willing to talk about this topic.
Amy
Posted by Amy Kimball | December 2, 2009, 8:53 amhowdy & good morning adrienne
when i got clean many came into recovery without supporters.
now more people have helpers. the support is a double edged
sword. many who support us are as sick as we are. their illness
is much more subtle and socially acceptable. in a nutshell at
some level they need us to stay sick so they dont have to look
at themselves! good healthy support is rare. mostly probably
doctors,nurses,therapists, “men of the cloth” kinds of helpers.
thanx
mike
Posted by mike schwartzman | December 2, 2009, 10:53 amhowdy & good morning amy
yes people stay clean as atheist. in my personal experience it has
not happened. 12 steps are a higher power. narcotics anonymous is
a higher power. i dont struggle with staying clean and have not for
a long time. when my two and a half year old daughter was hit by a
car and killed i had a little trouble. not since then
i go to meetings for all the reasons you mentioned alot of the time.
however you can only hear when you are ready to hear and that may take
decades. so i go to listen and be in my chair when it is said. recovery
does not end as long as we live.
Posted by mike schwartzman | December 2, 2009, 11:03 amThanks for the wonderful post Mike. I’m glad you fought your way out of the drug addiction and into a better life. Good for you!
carrie
Posted by carrie | December 2, 2009, 9:37 amhowdy carrie
im glad i fought my way out too!
my life is absolutely amazing.
thanx
mike
Posted by mike schwartzman | December 2, 2009, 10:42 pmThanks again, Mike. It was wonderful having you with us.
Stay strong. Be happy.
Best,
Tracey
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | December 2, 2009, 8:45 pmhowdy tracey
thanx for the opportunity.
i am happy!
mike
Posted by mike schwartzman | December 2, 2009, 10:44 pm