Good morning, and welcome to Query Writing 101. Our resident query guru, C.J. Redwine, has chosen Cynthia Arends’s letter to critique. As always, feel free to ask questions.
Agent or Editor
XYZ Agency
1234 Publisher Way
New York, NY 10022
Dear Agent or Editor:
Killer new haircut? $50.00… Creepy antique chest? $100.00… Unleashing Hell on Earth? Priceless! As an intro, this is awesomesauce with a side of WIN. Great attention-getter. I instantly hear your Voice and want to keep reading. My only suggestion is to delete the ellipses. Those are only used to indicate a pause between a speaker’s words or to show a speaker (or narrator) is trailing off into silence.
Beautician Lucia Gregory has a serious problem. Who knew opening an antique chest would unleash Hell’s minions? Then again, when the chest is labeled Arca Infernorum, she should’ve known better. Strange things happen the moment it’s opened. Mirrors implode and shampoo bowls explode. (I’m having a bit of trouble with reading this sentence comfortably. I think it’s the similarity in sound to “implode” and “explode.” Suggest changing one to “shatter” or something along those lines.) But that’s not all! (Forgive me, but this sentence, complete with exclamation point, sounds like an infomercial. Exclamation points should be used with extreme caution, anyway. 
How about something like “Worse, she turns into …” or “However, the destruction of her shop is the least of her problems.”) Overnight, she turns into a sexpot. Men, including her gay coworkers, throw themselves at her feet. Only one man is immune—Rafael Deleon, a broodingly sexy man who says he’s a demon. He’s everything she’s avoided—icy and reserved—but that only adds to his mysterious appeal. Overall, great paragraph.
As a demon protector of Limbo, Rafael is sent to retrieve the chest before it’s opened. He’s too late. Hell is unleashed in the most unlikely of places, a suburban hair salon. What’s worse—Lucy, a beautiful half-succubus, has no idea about (suggest deleting “about”) the power she possesses. Being a demon, he should be able to resist her charms. That resistance is slipping right when he needs it most.
When an evil demon arrives to stake his claim (On what? The chest? Or Lucy?), Rafe is determined to protect Lucy, who’d rather go into battle with guns blazing and daggers zinging.(Than what? Sit back and let Rafe protect her? And how did a beautician learn how to use guns and daggers in a battle?) Sparks fly as they fight their growing attraction. Will they admit they need each other before it’s too late? (I think you need a more specific “stake” here. What will happen if they’re too late?)
SUCCUBUS UNLEASHED, complete at 105,000 words, is the first the Demons Unleashed series of single title humorous paranormal romances and has placed in several RWA contests. I am an active member of Romance Writers of America, a local chapter, and several special interest chapters. My first novel, Wings of Desire, a fantasy erotic romance written under the name Arianna Skye, will be released in February by Eternal Press. Currently, I am plotting the sequel to Succubus Unleashed, with two other novels in the works. I appreciate your time and consideration. Excellent stats paragraph. Fantastic query overall. One more re-write and I think the requests will come pouring in. Nice job.
Respectfully,
Cynthia Arends (w/a Sidney Ayers)
* * *
Thank you C.J. and a special thanks to Cynthia for allowing us to use her letter. Cynthia, please, let us know how these suggestions work for you. We’d love to hear from you. For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org. C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them. We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.
Join Kelsey on Wednesday for Part II of Thigh, Breast or Wing and go below to waist to find out what turns men on and off!
Carrie Spencer, writing romantic comedy and goofy middle-grade, personifies her alter-ego - 
CJ & Cynthia -
It was great to read this letter and follow along with all CJ said works well. This will definitely help me construct/revise my next letter.
Best of luck with this manuscript, Cynthia!
Kelsey
Posted by KelseyBrowning | January 3, 2010, 11:44 pmexcellent!
morning all!
it’s great to see how close Cynthia is, how her query is just centimeters away from landing her “the call”. It sounds like an awesome book Cynthia…best of luck!
carrie
Posted by carrie | January 4, 2010, 2:45 amC.J., thanks for helping another writer come closer to achieving their dream of publication. Cindy, we appreciate your willingness to put your work out there for others to learn from.
We’re off to a great 2010!
Tracey
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | January 4, 2010, 6:37 amThanks so much for your critique, CJ, and thanks to Romance University for allowing this opportunity. I can’t wait to start revising. And I usually dread revisions
Cindy/ Arianna Skye
Posted by Cindt | January 4, 2010, 9:34 amI’m so excited, I can’t even type my name correctly
Posted by Cindy | January 4, 2010, 9:35 amLOL. I do that all the time. My brain constantly outdistances my fingers.
Posted by C.J. Redwine | January 4, 2010, 9:44 amGreat query and great critique!
Posted by Edie | January 4, 2010, 11:07 amGreat query, Cindy. I love the opening line. Thanks, C.J. for another wonderful critique. It makes me realize I have to infuse more of my “voice” in my queries.
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | January 4, 2010, 11:37 amSeeing the comments really helps pinpoint where to tighten.
Thank you, Cindy and C.J.
Posted by Renee | January 4, 2010, 3:28 pmOkie dokie. Here’s a revision. Let me know if this works better
Beautician Lucia Gregory has a serious problem. Who knew opening an antique chest would unleash Hell’s minions? Then again, when the chest is labeled Arca Infernorum, she should’ve known better. Strange things happen the moment it’s opened. Mirrors implode and shampoo bowls erupt in a torrent of geysers. But that’s the least of her worries. Overnight, she turns into a sexpot. Men, including her gay coworkers, throw themselves at her feet. Only one man is immune—Rafael Deleon, a broodingly sexy man who says he’s a demon. He’s everything she’s avoided—icy and reserved—but that only adds to his mysterious appeal.
Rafael has his own personal demons where the opposite sex is concerned. Any woman he’s cared for has met a horrible demise. As a demon protector of Limbo, He’s sent to retrieve the chest before it’s opened. He’s too late. Hell is unleashed in the most unlikely of places, a suburban hair salon. What’s worse–Lucy, a beautiful half-succubus, has no idea about the power she possesses. Being a demon, he should be able to resist her charms. That resistance is slipping right when he needs it most.
When an evil demon arrives to sink his claws into Lucy and the chest, Rafe is determined to protect Lucy, who’d rather go into battle with guns blazing and daggers zinging. Sparks fly as they fight their growing attraction. Will Lucy be able to break through the stone fortress Rafe’s built around his heart, or will they suffer their own demonic demise?
Posted by Cindy | January 4, 2010, 5:59 pmIt’s fantastic, but where’s your first line from the last one? I think you need it. It such a perfect vehicle for your Voice.
Posted by C.J. Redwine | January 4, 2010, 6:39 pmOh, it’s still there, I only posted the blurb portion
Posted by Cindy | January 4, 2010, 6:51 pmGreat rewrite, Cindy.
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | January 5, 2010, 11:26 am