Welcome to Anatomy of the Male Mind.  Hang on, folks because we are busting through barriers.  We’re taking on the hard stuff.  Facing down our fears.  Today, we are exploring how to have “the talk” with kids.

Wayne Levine has put together his own man panel for this one.  The answers are funny, thought provoking and, for someone like me who hasn’t had to have the talk yet, just plain scary.

Take it away, Wayne.

Good Morning!

Today’s topic is “the talk.” For every man I know, there’s a unique approach to “the talk.” So, to offer you a bit of a range for your reading pleasure, I asked a few of the men in our BetterMen circle to contribute brief accounts of the talks they had with their kids about the birds and the bees.

I have given “The Talk” a total of three times now.  The first was by far the hardest.  I spent a lot of time reading up on what to say, how to say it, made sure I got all the script down just right.  I took my son on a hike up on a hillside at night and we stopped and sat down.  I told him I had something to talk to him about.  I was very serious and scientific and went through all the details.  When I was done my son looked up at me and said, “Are you kidding, why did you do that?”  He was about 6 at the time – I think I was a little premature to get the word out.  It took me the rest of our walk for him to believe I wasn’t playing a joke on him.

The last time was very different.  I waited until my son was in about the 4th or 5th grade.  We went for a walk around the neighborhood and I asked him what he knows about sex.  He told me what he had heard and asked lots of questions.  I clarified the myths, told him about what was real, talked about how his body will change.  It was very easy, we joked, and laughed about some of it.  An easy experience for us both. — H.G.

It was all my wife.  After she told them, they did not have a lot of questions and that was it.  Kind of uneventful.  She took care of all the kids.  If I had to do it differently, I would have surely participated or done the boys myself and left my daughter to her. — C.K

Ok where to begin… First I would like to mention that my talk with both my sons had a lot to do with how I was raised. I never had the talk with my father, and my mother was very religious (Catholic), and so I was raised with a lot of guilt around sex.  I didn’t want my sons to grow up the same way because I felt it was not healthy and did a lot of damage in my relationships with women.

Nowadays schools bring up sex during their health classes, so it actually is a good introduction to have “the talk”.  Now granted you must be involved enough with your kids to know when it is brought up in class.  I have always instilled in my sons to be honest with me and I won’t judge them, but I will try and give them advice and lead them in the right direction. I feel that during their teenage years they are going to experiment, explore, etc. and I just want them to feel comfortable to come and talk to me about anything, and so far, as much as I know, they have.

When I had “the talk” with them, I first mentioned to them that it was “NATURAL” to have urges, to explore, and not to feel guilty!  We actually have had talks at dinner, likely joking of course, about masturbation, and neither of them felt embarrassed or guilty.  When it came to having sex or exploring with the opposite sex, I mentioned to them that they needed first to respect the girl and if “both” of them agreed either to explore or have sex that it was paramount they both were not doing it out of peer pressure or forcing one another.  I have never said to not have sex, but that I wish if they did that at least it was someone they liked and she liked them, that there was some type of connection between them and not just sex.

I also went on to mention that there are a lot more STD’s than when I was growing up and it was paramount that they always wear a condom and not just for that reason but also not to impregnate her (I mention to them that I had a couple of girlfriends that I found out later were trying to get pregnant so I would stay with them). — V.M.

I had “the talk” with my son when he was 13. My goal was to provide some insight into sex and masturbation. I didn’t want to overwhelm him but I wanted to provide some useful information.  Our conversation occurred while we were on a long car ride. I felt this was a safe and contained environment which allowed limited face-to-face interaction and no way to escape.

We discussed the importance of sex and that sex is special and can enhance a relationship. Kids talk among themselves about sex but many don’t have a clue what sex is all about. We discussed the concept of vaginal and oral sex without going into too much detail. This was followed by the definition of safe sex and general discussion of sexually transmitted diseases and how to avoid them.

The last topic was related to masturbation.  The discussion focused on what masturbation is and is not. I assured him that masturbation was not a bad thing and that everyone (male and female) masturbates. During the entire conversation I continued to gauge my son’s reactions before I proceeded to the next topic. Although the conversation was mostly one-sided, my son did ask a few questions. I let him know that the door was always open for him to come and ask questions about sex. — G.A.

Some men take great care to prepare and deliver “the talk,” while others leave it to their wives, their kids’ schools, or to piers and the media. Some men deliver the info when their kids are in elementary school, others wait until middle school or even high school.

I can tell you this: it’s an important task and one that many men feel entirely ill-equipped to tackle.

RU Crew, what do you think? What are the salient points? What should a father’s major objectives be? When should the talk take place?

Join us on Friday for our monthly Ask an Editor column when Theresa Steven’s tackles the use of tenses.

Wayne’s Bio:

Wayne M. Levine, M.A. is the director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, CA, where he coaches and mentors men, and facilitates men’s groups. He also created the BetterMen Retreats for men, and for fathers and sons. In addition, Wayne is the founder of BetterMen.org, a life coaching and mentoring resource for men.

Wayne’s interest in men’s issues began in the early ‘90s with his participation in men’s work activities. His experiences with men’s groups, as a participant, leader and program developer, taught Wayne to “father” men and to support them in making difficult and important changes in their lives.

He earned his Master’s in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University/Los Angeles. Wayne also received his BA in journalism and graduated Magna Cum Laude and Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Southern California.

Wayne’s been married to his first and only wife, Ria, for over 25 years and is the proud daddy of Emma, Austin and the family’s menagerie of animals.  Wayne strives to be a better man, husband and father each day in Oak Park, CA.

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