Comments on: Ask An Editor: Problem With Tense?

By: Sherri

Sherri — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 13:37:32 +0000

Constructing the paragraph the new way adds a participial phrase.

By: Sandy Crowley

Sandy Crowley — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 18:26:14 +0000

Theresa, Thanks for the informative post. It challenges me to suggest the action/reaction still seems flipped–until her focus skidded to a halt on two devastatingly handsome men of Viking proportions stepping inside the ballroom.

Should the rewrite go something like this??–Her dark gaze darted from guest to guest, searching for an appropriate distraction, until two devastatingly handsome men of Viking proportions stepped inside the ballroom. Her focus skidded to a halt. Her steps slowed and a wintry blast of irritation swept through her, locking her muscles in place

Thanks for the exercise,
Sandy Crowley

By: Jessi Bacon

Jessi Bacon — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 19:29:35 +0000

Theresa,
You can’t wait until next month for the reveal–that would be so wrong !
I agree with Jessica and the magical transportation theory. Also, though I fully admit to being a grammar dummy, the entire sentence here doesn’t make sense.
“Lord Beaufort stood on her left, with his ready smile, bore the swarthy, rugged complexion of a Welshman, and in stark contrast, his dark-haired companion wore his brooding English refinement like a shiny badge of honor.”
“Stood”, I think should be standing, or eliminated. Read it without “with his ready smile”.
That’s my guess!

By: Jessica Bailey

Jessica Bailey — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 03:59:51 +0000

Hi Theresa,

Is the problem that Lord Beaufort has gone from stepping to standing without stopping? Because of the present/past tense conflict, it appears he has been transported–spacially and temporally–to the heroine’s left.

By: Theresa Stevens

Theresa Stevens — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 00:21:23 +0000

I’m so awesome. I just realized this post went live yesterday. Somehow I’m counting Fridays in a whole new way.

Tracey, it’s acceptable to use past perfect once to “shift” a paragraph into a different time zone, and then use simple past after that shift. Then, when you go back to the story’s present moment, you need some kind of transition or adverb to shift the time again. That might be what happened with your example sentences about the mother and father’s deaths.

Nobody’s picking up on the problem with that reorganized paragraph. Maybe we’ll blog that next month. heheheheheheheh

By: Kathy Crouch

Kathy Crouch — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 14:33:50 +0000

Sorry to all but IF I were reading the first paragraph in a book it would never even create a blip on my reading radar. I have people tell me things take them out of a book. I see it when I read something written by somebody else critqued by a different person. I’ve seen critques that read this took me out of the read and I think it didn’t bother me a bit lol. Now I honestly can see some of what y’all are talking about but other wise my brain is spinning. I can see where had would improve it but I think maybe the rewrites work better.

By: Laurie London

Laurie London — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 23:58:23 +0000

I agree, Adrienne! I thought about it after I posted and decided it should probably stand on its own.

Or if you wanted to emphasize the woman’s reaction to the men, if that’s the focus of the paragraph, maybe change it this way:

Her dark gaze darted from guest to guest as she searched for an appropriate distraction. When two devastatingly handsome men of Viking proportions entered the ballroom, her focus skidded to a halt. A wintry blast of irritation swept through her, locking her muscles in place.

It needs a little more at the end to help the cadence/flow of that sentence otherwise it sounds too similar to the next to last one. Ugh, choices, choices. I’ll be curious to hear Theresa’s thoughts.

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Fri, 15 Jan 2010 20:36:53 +0000

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Tracey Devlyn, Romance University. Romance University said: Managing Editor Theresa Stevens tackles the use of tenses. Do you mix past and present? Theresa sorts it all out for us. http://ow.ly/WyDg [...]

By: AdrienneGiordano

AdrienneGiordano — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 19:29:33 +0000

Hi, Theresa. Excellent post. I have to admit, after reading Bickham’s Scene and Structure, I became a nut about action and reaction. Kelsey and Tracey can attest!

I agree with Laurie. I might even end the sentence at ballroom. For some reason (to me) it gives it more power. It forces me to stop and think about who these men are.

Two devastatingly handsome men of Viking proportions entered the ballroom.

By: Tracey Devlyn

Tracey Devlyn — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 17:53:41 +0000

Hi Theresa,
Thanks for sharing this example. My CPs will confirm that verb tenses are one of my weaknesses. Although I think I’ve improved over the last two years, I still have work to do.

I was listening to an audio book on my way to work today. This paragraph caught my attention.

Her father had died of lung cancer when Lorna was a child. Her mother passed away a year ago.

Both are in the past, but only one is written in past perfect. Right?

This stuff makes my head spin.

Thanks, Tracey