The Flame & the Family: How to Keep Passion Alive in a Busy Married Life
Today, I’m pleased to welcome Dustin Riechmann, owner of EngagedMarriage.com, to Romance University. Dustin’s one of those
extraordinary examples of successful social networking. You see, I met him through Twitter. After visiting his web site and following his tweets for a while, I sent him an email asking if he’d like to blog with us. The rest is history, as they say.
Read on to see what Dustin has to say about keeping the spark alive in a busy marriage.
I am a normal guy. I have a beautiful wife and two crazy little kids who I totally adore. I also have a hectic schedule and the demands that come with balancing a wife, kids, a career, a mortgage, church, community service, tee ball practice, princess parties and the occasional beer or round of golf with my buddies. My life is pretty typical for a 30-something family man these days.
So, where does passion and sexual intimacy fit into this crazy mix?
Get Your Priorities Straight & Move Passion to the Front Burner
First and foremost, passion can only thrive under these pressures when it is purposefully made a top priority and moved to the “front burner” on the crowded stove of your crazy family life. Passion is vital to a healthy marriage, and the relationship between a husband and his wife must be the number one priority.
That’s right. A good marriage is more important than happy children. It trumps your career. And your friends and your own personal hobbies don’t even come close. Those are back-burner issues.
Without a healthy marriage, these other areas of your life will suffer. However, if you give your spouse their rightful place at the top of your to-do list, you will serve them well and create the foundation for a happy home life and an awesome marriage. Happy wife, happy life…and only then can passion thrive.
Understand How to Fuel the Intimacy in Your Marriage
For men, intimacy in its highest form is best expressed physically. We like to “show” our love and “do things” to be romantic and intimate. Obviously, the peak of intimacy for us is sex, and many men unfortunately view sex only as a physical act.
Fortunately, when men learn one important lesson, they open up their marriage to a whole new level of passion and fulfillment. That lesson is that while men are most fulfilled through actions, women primarily feel intimacy through communication. This could include talking, listening, thoughtfulness, touch, embrace, empathy, romantic gestures, compliments, eye contact, love letters…I think you get the idea here.
The fuel for our passion is just different. That doesn’t make masculinity shallow or femininity weak. Men and women are inherently different, and we express and receive intimacy differently.
For married couples, sex is not merely a physical act, it’s the highest and most intense form of communication and a sacred union. When it’s treated that way, each sexual encounter is not only much more passionate and meaningful, but the periods in between can also be filled with anticipation that fuels the flames of desire.
Make Everyday “Romance Deposits” to Keep the Flame Burning
So, now we know that our spouse must be our first priority and hopefully we have a good idea of what makes them tick sexually. How do we keep our flames of passion from being snuffed out by our busy family lives?
The key is to set aside time everyday to just be a couple. By spending as little as 15 minutes a day to open up and talk, hold hands or maybe make out, you can make a huge difference in your relationship and rekindle your passion for one another. And we can all watch a little less T.V. or get up a bit earlier to find this time and show our spouse they are truly number one.
Think of these encounters as the steady flow of oxygen our relationships need to keep on burning. And, as a bonus, these short sessions will sometimes result in an awesome flare-up and an incredible night (or morning) of passion that you may have otherwise missed out on.
Get Away From It All and Create a Firestorm!
Obviously, the majority of our married lives are necessarily spent as members of our family inside of our house. This is great, and it’s what most of us enjoy as a typical lifestyle.
However, married couples really do need to get away regularly and just enjoy each other. This could be as simple as a relaxing date night with a great dinner and a shared bottle of wine every few weeks. Occasionally, couples should get away overnight or for a weekend. There’s nothing like a night spent in the Jacuzzi suite at a bed and breakfast to really fan the flames of passion in a marriage.
To really have a long-term, positive impact on a relationship, it’s hard to beat a marriage retreat weekend. Marriage retreats come in all shapes, sizes and spiritual forms, but they all generally involve helping a couple get away from the busyness of everyday life (and kids) and focus deeply on their relationship and building their dream marriage. When we reconnect at such a deep and soulful level, the feelings of true, impassioned intimacy become easy to grasp even when life gets busy. Inferno alert!
Put It All Together and The Flame Will be Eternal
We are all busy, and it can be too easy to put our own needs and those of our partner on the back burner on low heat. When we understand how critical our intimacy really is and we make the effort to bring passion to our spouse on terms that they best appreciate, we fire up the heat. And when we set aside the time to feed our relationships with the fuel that they need, the flames of passion are free to burn bright!
And even a full day of work, soccer practice, homework and bedtime stories can’t extinguish an eternal flame!
* * *
RU Readers, what methods do you employ to keep the spark alive with your spouse, lover, or significant other.
Please be sure to drop by on Friday when author and muse therapist D.D. Scott discusses how to recognize when your muse has taken a hike and how you can lure her (or him!) back into your life.
Dustin’s bio:
Dustin Riechmann created Engaged Marriage with the mission of helping others achieve the extraordinary in marriage and in life. Please visit his site for more proactive and practical advice on topics ranging from Sex to Spirituality…and find him on Facebook.
(No Ratings Yet)
Loading ...
Hi Dustin,
Welcome to RU! I love your idea of romance deposits. Fifteen minutes a days is attainable for most couples. I’m going to give it a try.
Thanks,
Tracey
Thank you for inviting me to be part of your community here, Tracey. I look forward to interacting with your great readership!
Dustin
Hi Dustin. Thank you for being here today. I also love the 15 minute idea. That was an “aha” moment for me. Even if that 15 minutes happens when we’re walking the dog!
Great post.
Thanks, Adrienne! The 15 minutes of “couple time” has been a Godsend for my wife and I as well, even when we just spend it talking in peace with the TV off after the kids go to bed. It’s refreshing and romantic!
I am actually working on a series for my blog where I give some “exercises” or examples of ways that we can spend our 15 minutes to really give our relationship a jump-start and get out of a rut. I’d love to hear from the readers here at RU with any ideas or suggestions that have worked in their marriage!
Dustin
We sit in the hot tub after the kids are in bed and just talk. I love it!
That’s awesome! We need one of those.
Hi Dustin -
Thanks so much for being here today.
My 15 minutes with my husband often really do come while walking the dog
.
I’ve always thought it a bit of a paradox that men need sex to feel close to women while women need to feel close before they want to have sex. I’m sure you have many tips for reconciling this, but do you have one or two thoughts on what couples should do when they get caught in this Catch-22?
Thanks!
Kelsey
This is an absolute paradox that really speaks to the differences in our sexuality (masculine vs. feminine). I really need to give this some thought and write a full post about it.
Based on our own experience, the best way to address it is first to recognize that these differences exist and let your spouse know it’s totally okay. And then embrace the differences and get out of your comfort zone a bit to engage your partner.
For men, that could mean being proactive to spur a meaningful conversation with a “no strings attached” attitude. For ladies, this could be initiating sex with your husband (without a prerequisite for lots of talking first), especially when you can tell that he needs some closeness and intimacy with you.
morning Dustin!
excellent post…very informative. what do you recommend though for older couples who sometimes spend hours together….?
carrie
Thanks, Carrie! I obviously don’t the experience to speak from with regards to older couples, but it seems to me that the key would be more time apart! When you don’t have the constraints of a super busy life and precious little time spent together, it seems that you could become very complacent and get a bit bored with each other. Spending time apart on your own hobbies would be a great way to make your time together more special.
Also, getting away from the usual routine at home and instead taking real date nights and weekends away would be great for that added spark in your love (and sex) life!
Lots of great advice, Dustin, especially moving passion to the front burner. After 20+ years of marriage, I’ve learned that men and women deal with stressful issues differently. Guys seem to crave more sex when they’re stressed out. If they’re not getting enough, the stress takes over and they can be such a$$es. For women, it’s harder to shut out the bad stuff and concentrate on the fun. It is sort of a Catch-22!
It’s an absolute Catch-22, Laurie. And as I noted in a comment above, it seems the best way to thrive is to recognize this and make a proactive effort to work with it!
Hey Dustin! Thanks for the post…very interesting information. My husband and I are not only married but we both work from home – so we get a lot of together time. Unfortunately most of it is work-related…so each week we have a date and every couple of months we try to get away, just the two of us. Thanks for your thoughts – and I love the 15 minute deposit idea…just might bring that into our mix, too!
Thanks so much, Kristina! It sounds like you and your husband have a great thing going and a good plan for getting away from home/work. I do encourage you to try to do this on a small scale sometime each day. The time commitment is small, but the return is great!
By the way, if anyone wants to get a hold of me on Twitter (like Tracey did originally
), you can find me @EngagedMarriage and I also love interacting with folks on the EM Facebook page (link in the bio above).
This community is great! Thanks for having me!
My husband and I have been married 43 years, raised six kids, and have been to several weekend Marriage Encounter retreats years ago. We were even asked to be a presenting couple but had to turn it down as we’d just learned that baby number six was on her way. Our priorities have always been focused on our children and our marriage, ME helped us tremendously in keeping our marriage a priority. It would be too easy to let that slip.
For ~ twenty years we were involved in a ME group, about half a dozen couples that met each month for a presentation on a facet of the marriage relationship, then a social time. The other couples in our group were closer to us than family. We no longer meet monthly, but a few times a year will get together, besides going to other’s kid’s weddings.
Over the years we tried different strategies to stay close, date nights, getting away for a weekend, etc. Each of these is beneficial.
Trying to keep our physical intimacy fresh was sometimes hard with sheer exhaustion an excuse!
Currently, our situation has changed. I underwent two major spinal surgeries this past year, so making love has been physically challenging. Even cuddling at night, which we’ve always done, is different since I must sleep on my back. We’ve discussed these changes and compensated by being inventive!
Our love life may have changed, but we are closer than ever. When I finally got home from the hospital, we held hands in bed. My husband had to help me get dressed as well as help me around the house the first weeks, but I’m happy to say I’ve made great progress.
A massage or even a ‘back tickle’ can keep the physical closeness alive.
Our current fun venture is to exercise (therapy for me) with our new Wii. It’s fun and we’re spending time together. We are more in tune with each other now.
Sherry, thank you so much for sharing your story! You have the type of marriage that my wife and I aspire to when we reach 43 years together. Your openness and compassion for each other is so evident in your words. I love it!
And speaking of marriage retreats, my wife and I are currently preparing to present at a weekend retreat called “Living In Love” which I believe is similar in many ways to Marriage Encounter. It is also a Catholic program, but our focus in on the Theology of the Body. Very enriching stuff!
Hi,
My husband and I rarely see each other. Our hours conflict, but we’ve been married for 27 yrs, so I guess something’s going right. However, he refuses to do anything with me, like movies or ride our horses. Our one thing is Friday night dinner. Any thoughts on getting him to do the things I like to do instead of always putting work first?
D’Ann, I appreciate your question. Of course, it’s tough to really answer you well with limited information. However, I think I would certainly start by sitting down with him, no TV, no kids, no distractions. Sit facing each other, look him in the eye and tell him how you are feeling and how very important it is to you. Tell him some simple examples of things you would like to do differently, and explain that much can be accomplished in just 15 minutes a day.
I wrote a post a while back called “Attention Ladies: Your Husband Can’t Read Your Mind!”. The point, which may be pertinent here, is that we men can be VERY thick and self-focused. Sometimes you’d be surprised at how effective it can be to speak to in very clear terms to tell us how you are feeling, what you want and just how important it is to you.
Dustin,
Thanks for providing such wonderful feedback today! We really enjoyed your insights.
Best,
Tracey
Tracey,
It’s been my pleasure. Your community here is fantastic, and I love all the comments and questions!
You all are welcome over at Engaged Marriage anytime, and bring your awesome questions and warm spirit with you!
Dustin
Dustin,
Thank you for the compliment! Yes, a good marriage is work and we take our marriage seriously. We also surround ourselves with good friends who have the same ideals and principals. This is very important. When one couple might be struggling (and we all do struggle at times!!) the other couples are there to remind them what is really important.
I am intrigued by your term, “Theology of the Body” and would love to learn about this.
I clicked on a couple of links in your article above, and like that you mention writing love letters to each other.
We learned to do this in Marriage Encounter, but in our courtship, in the mid 60′s, Joe was in the Air Force and I was in college. We met, fell in love, then he got out of the Air Force and returned to his home state to go to school. We were apart for eleven months, and had no money for long distance phone calls (remember this was in the dark ages, no e-mail!) so we wrote letters 3, 4 sometimes 6 times a week. I still have my shoebox full of letters.
There is something like the written letter, something you can read and reread.
D’Ann, maybe you could write a simple note to your husband, leave by his place at the table, or somewhere he would see it when you are gone. Just tell him a quality he has that you appreciate, something that reminds you of why you picked him those 27 years ago.
Sherry
Sherry,
Theology of the Body was a written work and passion of Pope John Paul II. It focuses on the uniqueness and complimentary nature of human sexuality (masculinity and femininity). Most people wouldn’t believe that it was the work of a Pope…the Church is truly a very sexy institution!
If you want to know more, the modern spokesman for this is a man named Christopher West. His website has a section devoted to “What is Theology of the Body?”. Here’s a link: http://www.christopherwest.com/page.asp?ContentID=121 I also have other info on sexuality and natural family planning (it’s related) on my site as well.
Thank you for your kind words and support!
And I think your advice to D’Ann was excellent as well.
Great post Dustin – I have not been here to Romance University before today!
I was reading thru the comments and was thinking about that paradox that was mentioned by Kelsey “men need sex to feel close to women while women need to feel close before they want to have sex. ”
My natural tendency is to want to show love how I like to be loved. But that is not how it is supposed to work – right? We need to love our mate how they need to be loved. If I would like to enjoy sex with my beautiful wife – I need to start loving her early in the day – connecting with her in conversation and innocent friendly touch. I need to serve her by taking out the trash (perhaps) without being told!! It starts much earlier than right before we hop in bed.
I would assume that she too would learn to love me in the way I enjoy being loved. Which might mean having sex when she doesn’t necessarily feel like it.
Loving our mate the way they like and want to be loved is foreign to me – (and probably others) which makes that paradox such a big thing in marriages.
Hey Stu!
Welcome to Romance University! I am new here also, but these ladies have welcomed me so openly it almost feels like home to me.
I can’t add anything to your comment except “Amen!”
Dustin
Stu -
Thanks for stopping by. I took a look at your site yesterday, but was interrupted before I could make a comment (imagine that!).
What you say makes lots of sense in that we need to consider affection from our significant other’s point-of-view. I think many guys wouldn’t understand that taking out the trash can help him get lucky
, but it’s true. The innocent touch thing is powerful, too.
As for women showing their affection through sex when they may not totally feel like it. I don’t disagree, but I think both partners need to understand the different between “absolutely don’t feel like it” and “I could be persuaded.” Probably there will be a lot more women in the “I could be persuaded” camp when her man does a few of those little things. And he needs to be okay with that session being short, sweet, and to the point. If she says, “This is for you” and means it, I say enjoy it, appreciate it and then let her get back to the laundry – LOL.
Hope you’ll stop by to see us again, Stu.
And thanks again, Dustin!
Kelsey
Very well expressed…if you would have told me three years ago that intimacy would be an issuefor my wife and I, I’d have thought you were insane…but with two small children running around and a few small businesses going, this part of our marriage certainly has suffered…thanks for the ideas…
It’s my pleasure, Darryl, and thank you for the kind words. It certainly does get tough to keep romance a priority when our lives get so busy. Trust me when I say I can totally relate!
By the way, please feel free to come over to EngagedMarriage.com where there are a lot of us crazy-busy-married-folks-with-young-kids types.
Speaking from the other side of the bed. Allow something to come between the two of you and eliminate this part of the marriage and bad things happen. Even without unfaithfulness, allowing this to slowly disolve from a marriage over time can be the death of it….no matter whats at risk. I speak from experience. I have 2 children that don’t deserve the cards being handed them and there is nothing I can do to stop the divorce. There was a time when nothing was more than our happiness. And we were very happy. Spending time together wasn’t an issue…no matter the cost. But as things can happen, unforgiveness, pain, and anger can harden the heart. When this happens the desire to dedicate that 15 minutes is gone and there is nothing
I appreciate your willingness to share the tough times you are experiencing, fromthepanel. I think you offer us all a very important reminder of the importance of being proactive and taking the time/energy required to ensure that you don’t lose your passion for one another. I can feel the pain in your words and know that you never intended for this to happen to your marriage. I’m very sorry.