A Man’s Thoughts on Marriage
RU crew, today’s topic is serious. That is, if you consider marriage serious, which most of us do. But how many people discuss their expectations of marriage before saying “I do?” Probably not many because we’re young, in love, and honestly most of us had no idea what we expected from a relationship that was supposed to last forever. Trace, a good friend of mine and a truly good guy, is here to talk about a man’s expectations of and thoughts on marriage. Before, during, and unfortunately after.
Kelsey: What’s your marital status?
Trace: Separated, going through a divorce.
Kelsey: Were you looking for a marriage partner before you married?
Trace: Yes
Kelsey: If so, what strategies were you using to meet “the one?”
Trace: Guess I really didn’t have a “strategy.” I wasn’t attending different churches, bars, grocery stores, websites or anything else with the intentions of finding the right one. That may be part of the reason I’m in the situation I’m in. I was just going through life looking for love and happiness. Looking for the right woman to share my life with and to start and raise a family together. That person would complete me as a human.
Kelsey: What prompted your decision to get married?
Trace: I was in love with the girl and didn’t want to spend a day without her. Thought she was the right one. Things change, and you have to first notice that, and address the changes as time goes on or bad things can happen.
Kelsey: Before you married, what were your expectations of marriage?
Trace: Until death do us part. Expected it to be a long journey full of laughs, tears, smiles, hugs, and compromise. I always thought it would take work and commitment from both parties. Lots of work with the goal in mind to raise a family and retire to spend the golden years together.
Kelsey: What surprises have you encountered in your marriage?
Trace: Divorce. The good days and bad days were expected in any relationship. Also how much people can change. I think part of the problem with American marriages today is the woman marries the man thinking she can change those few things about him she doesn’t like. The man marries the woman not wanting her to change. Then over time, those few things in the man never change and the woman does. Creates problems and unhappiness. Not saying this is every case, but instead speaking in general terms.
Kelsey: How do you think men’s and women’s expectations of marriage differ?
Trace: Oh man, tough one. If I had a good answer, things may be different. I think the man expects the woman to meet his physical and social needs more so than the others. I think the woman expects the man to meet her emotional needs and be the provider she is looking for. To provide security, stability, and emotional support for her.
Kelsey: What do you think couples can do to keep their marriages strong?
Trace: Communicate, communicate…and did I say communicate? This is the key. It takes lots of work to make it “as great as great can be.” Without communication, you are wandering in the dark and can miss the target completely. The second is to put the needs of you mate ahead of your own sometimes. Making sure you are considering her/him as much as you consider yourself. I guess that’s a nice way to say there is no room for selfishness in the relationship. The last thing is don’t let the sun go down on your anger. I read that in a book, so it’s not original knowledge.
Kelsey: If you had it to do over again, how would your decisions or expectations be different?
Trace: Honestly, I don’t have an answer for this right now. I’m sure I’ll come to some conclusions over time, but I’ve not spent very much time considering this in my life. I never thought I would be in the situation I’m in and have not spent any time considering what I would do (until now, of course). Now my thoughts are on the situation and I can’t consider how or what I will do differently in the future. With children involved, I don’t see myself doing it [getting married] again. I do believe that will change with time, but right now that’s how I see it. I’m sure with time my thoughts may change, but right now it’s the last thing I’m worried about.
For our readers, what do you think of Trace’s thoughts on men’s and women’s expectations of marriage? Is he on target? And what can we do to make sure expectations are met in marriage or other committed relationships?
Be sure to stop by Friday when author Lori Brighton will chat about the all-important first page!
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Trace -
I already put you through the question wringer on this one, so I won’t lay more on you. But I want to tell you that “failure,” as you term it, in marriage does not make you a failure as a man.
You have a strong heart, and even though it’s broken right now, it will keep beating. Give your kids love, love yourself and I believe you will heal. Will you be the same man you were before? No, but I have to believe God has a plan for you.
Know that I love you dearly and am here for you, always.
K-
Trace,
I don’t have any questions for you. Thank you for sharing your perspective on such difficult questions.
Hang in there. In time, hope and happiness will return to your life.
Best,
Tracey
Trace, thanks for sharing your thoughts about something so painful and discouraging. I’m sorry you’re having to endure it, and while I know from personal experience it does eventually get better, I also know it’s hard to believe that when you’re in the midst of it.
I also think it’s important to remember this situation is more of a failure of expectations living up to reality, rather than a personal failure. We all go into a situation with high hopes, and sometimes slogging through the daily routines wear those hopes down, but in such small increments we don’t see it. It’s hard work to stay vigilant, and sometimes we don’t have the energy for all the things we “should” do.
Heartfelt wishes to you. And again, thanks for sharing. Hopefully you provides you with some peace to do so.
morning Trace! =)
thanks for sharing your story with us….divorce is a heartbreaking thing…keep your friends and your family close to your side, they’ll keep you grounded and help you through.
carrie
Thanks everyone for your thougths, advice, and kind words. I learning more and more each day and doing my best to use this experience to be a stronger and better man and father. Some days are better than others. I guess not “accepting” a 2nd place finish in sports/life is not the best way to be all the time. Thanks again.
Hi Trace. Thank you for being with us today and sharing your thoughts on such a personal topic. Someone once told me it takes two people for a marriage to work and two people to make it fail. Those words have always stayed with me and I believe them to be true.
I hope things get better for you soon.
Trace, thanks for sharing such painful and evolving observations. I don’t think anyone who isn’t in or hasn’t gone through your situation can fully appreciate it.
Trace,
Your concept of what you expected from marriage sounded very traditional and ideal; you didn’t say how you arrived at those expectations. Did your parents have that kind of relationship?
Interesting to hear your sense of responsibility and commitment to your kids; I can attest that it is the most important thing you can do. As a child of divorce, whose father eschewed all responsibility for and contact with me, I know it left scars which have continued to impact my life through 3 husbands (and much unhappiness).
If any of your children are girls, try to model what your ideal of a man is for her, and boost her confidence, especially when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. It is never easy for kids, though today kids of divorce are often the standard instead of the exception. When adults are in the throes of personal unhappiness, guilt and turmoil, it is easy to think the kids aren’t really impacted by it all — “they’re too young–they don’t see what’s happening”.
Trust me, they do, no matter how young. Worse yet, they see it and feel it, but may not understand it all, so they create their own reality around it, and that can lead to so many difficulties in the future.
Try to take satisfaction from being a good father even if it isn’t possible at this time to model a perfect relationship for them.
Good luck,
Diane
Your word ‘traditional” scares me just a bit but “ideal” I love. My parents have been married for 46 years, I would not say 46 happy years but 46 years. They still sleep in the same bed, they spend 90 % of their time together, don’t keep secrets from each other at all, and love each other unconditionally. They never argued in from of my brothers and I growing up and they chose a long time ago to put God first in their lives. Their relationship has definitely had a huge impact on my life, both in what to do and even a few “what not to do’s”.
My kids are everything to me. Both are between the ages of 8 and 12, 1 boy and 1 girl. There is some comfort in hearing you say standard of today although I still get sick when I think about them living in a split home. I try every day to be the man I should be which is an example for my kids. I can say both of us are attempting to keep them first through all of this. I refuse to say negative things about their mother to them and intend on continuing to be that way. She is their mother. I also refuse to be a weekend dad. Nothing is settled yet but I see no reason for that to happen. I told someone just yesterday…”we may not be in a teaching mode, but they are always in a learning mode.” Thank you for your comments and advice. It always helps me to talk and get information from other people.
Trace -
Thanks again for putting yourself out there for our readers. I love the teaching vs. learning mode for our kids and I probably need to remember that a little more when it comes to my son. Your kids are going to learn a lot of wonderful things from you. Stay strong.
Hugs,
K-
Very interesting interview. Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts. I have a question. You say communication is key, but so many women complain that men won’t talk/open up. What’s your advice on how to get husbands/bf’s to talk?
Ok I did say I think its the key but I did not say I’m good at it. As a matter of fact, when there is confrontation I am terrible. I hate confrontation, and I use the word hate. So probably not the guy to answer the question.
For me, its being able to say what I am feeling not what I think that makes me feel better and able to discuss things…to be able to say it without fear of retaliation or emotions flying off the handle in the rebuttal. I think as a couple you have to get to that level of communication to be able to discuss the things that are issues in the relationship. (learning this now) To get to this point, a woman needs to understand what “social style” her man is and be able to increase her ability to say and do things that keep him in his confort zone. This I think would allow you to get to a deeper level of communication….past the “i thought” stage and to the “I feel” stage. This would be my definition of communication.
Hi Trace,
Whatever you do, don’t let this experience put up barriers from trying again. After divorce, especially if you were the injured party– you tend to hesitate taking the risk. I have heard the 2 nd time around is so much better, because you don’t have those expectations. So get out there, & enjoy what I call the wild times after a divorce and then take the risk again. Life has a way of surprising you! Good luck and as I always say–happy hunting!!!
Enjoyed your comments! C
Cindy, thanks for your comments. It hard for me to think “down the road.” I can’t see me in a relationship in the near future mainly because of my kids. I don’t want another female in their life and I’m not sure how time will change my thoughts. I’m sure it will…I just don’t know how. I do miss and long for female companionship and although I’ve not done anything to make that happen yet, I think about what it will be like. I have vowed to myself to be smarter and not let my current pain influence those relationships to come. I plan to use this to make wiser decisions and to be a better date, man, and father. Least thats my intent. Thanks for the vote of confidence.