Comments on: A Man’s Thoughts on Marriage

By: trace

trace — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 17:03:22 +0000

Cindy, thanks for your comments. It hard for me to think “down the road.” I can’t see me in a relationship in the near future mainly because of my kids. I don’t want another female in their life and I’m not sure how time will change my thoughts. I’m sure it will…I just don’t know how. I do miss and long for female companionship and although I’ve not done anything to make that happen yet, I think about what it will be like. I have vowed to myself to be smarter and not let my current pain influence those relationships to come. I plan to use this to make wiser decisions and to be a better date, man, and father. Least thats my intent. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

By: Cindy Maday

Cindy Maday — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 01:31:50 +0000

Hi Trace,
Whatever you do, don’t let this experience put up barriers from trying again. After divorce, especially if you were the injured party– you tend to hesitate taking the risk. I have heard the 2 nd time around is so much better, because you don’t have those expectations. So get out there, & enjoy what I call the wild times after a divorce and then take the risk again. Life has a way of surprising you! Good luck and as I always say–happy hunting!!!
Enjoyed your comments! C

By: trace

trace — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 13:16:59 +0000

Ok I did say I think its the key but I did not say I’m good at it. As a matter of fact, when there is confrontation I am terrible. I hate confrontation, and I use the word hate. So probably not the guy to answer the question.
For me, its being able to say what I am feeling not what I think that makes me feel better and able to discuss things…to be able to say it without fear of retaliation or emotions flying off the handle in the rebuttal. I think as a couple you have to get to that level of communication to be able to discuss the things that are issues in the relationship. (learning this now) To get to this point, a woman needs to understand what “social style” her man is and be able to increase her ability to say and do things that keep him in his confort zone. This I think would allow you to get to a deeper level of communication….past the “i thought” stage and to the “I feel” stage. This would be my definition of communication.

By: Lori Brighton

Lori Brighton — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 00:54:41 +0000

Very interesting interview. Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts. I have a question. You say communication is key, but so many women complain that men won’t talk/open up. What’s your advice on how to get husbands/bf’s to talk?

By: KelseyBrowning

KelseyBrowning — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 04:54:21 +0000

Trace -

Thanks again for putting yourself out there for our readers. I love the teaching vs. learning mode for our kids and I probably need to remember that a little more when it comes to my son. Your kids are going to learn a lot of wonderful things from you. Stay strong.

Hugs,
K-

By: trace

trace — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 03:17:51 +0000

Your word ‘traditional” scares me just a bit but “ideal” I love. My parents have been married for 46 years, I would not say 46 happy years but 46 years. They still sleep in the same bed, they spend 90 % of their time together, don’t keep secrets from each other at all, and love each other unconditionally. They never argued in from of my brothers and I growing up and they chose a long time ago to put God first in their lives. Their relationship has definitely had a huge impact on my life, both in what to do and even a few “what not to do’s”.

My kids are everything to me. Both are between the ages of 8 and 12, 1 boy and 1 girl. There is some comfort in hearing you say standard of today although I still get sick when I think about them living in a split home. I try every day to be the man I should be which is an example for my kids. I can say both of us are attempting to keep them first through all of this. I refuse to say negative things about their mother to them and intend on continuing to be that way. She is their mother. I also refuse to be a weekend dad. Nothing is settled yet but I see no reason for that to happen. I told someone just yesterday…”we may not be in a teaching mode, but they are always in a learning mode.” Thank you for your comments and advice. It always helps me to talk and get information from other people.

By: Diane

Diane — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 22:44:40 +0000

Trace,

Your concept of what you expected from marriage sounded very traditional and ideal; you didn’t say how you arrived at those expectations. Did your parents have that kind of relationship?

Interesting to hear your sense of responsibility and commitment to your kids; I can attest that it is the most important thing you can do. As a child of divorce, whose father eschewed all responsibility for and contact with me, I know it left scars which have continued to impact my life through 3 husbands (and much unhappiness).

If any of your children are girls, try to model what your ideal of a man is for her, and boost her confidence, especially when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. It is never easy for kids, though today kids of divorce are often the standard instead of the exception. When adults are in the throes of personal unhappiness, guilt and turmoil, it is easy to think the kids aren’t really impacted by it all — “they’re too young–they don’t see what’s happening”.

Trust me, they do, no matter how young. Worse yet, they see it and feel it, but may not understand it all, so they create their own reality around it, and that can lead to so many difficulties in the future.

Try to take satisfaction from being a good father even if it isn’t possible at this time to model a perfect relationship for them.

Good luck,

Diane

By: PatriciaW

PatriciaW — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 20:53:29 +0000

Trace, thanks for sharing such painful and evolving observations. I don’t think anyone who isn’t in or hasn’t gone through your situation can fully appreciate it.

By: AdrienneGiordano

AdrienneGiordano — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:18:48 +0000

Hi Trace. Thank you for being with us today and sharing your thoughts on such a personal topic. Someone once told me it takes two people for a marriage to work and two people to make it fail. Those words have always stayed with me and I believe them to be true.

I hope things get better for you soon.

By: trace

trace — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 15:50:00 +0000

Thanks everyone for your thougths, advice, and kind words. I learning more and more each day and doing my best to use this experience to be a stronger and better man and father. Some days are better than others. I guess not “accepting” a 2nd place finish in sports/life is not the best way to be all the time. Thanks again.