Query Writing 101

Urban Fantasy author C.J. Redwine is back with our ever-popular Query Writing 101 with a letter from Tereasa Bellew. Thanks to both C.J. and Tereasa! And readers, feel free to post questions for C.J.

Dear XXXX

The joys of motherhood should be sweet and satisfying.  But what happens when the fairytale goes awry? (Agents often say to stay away from opening with questions unless it’s a real heart-stopper. This feels too generic to me. Plus, these two sentences lead me to believe the story is all about how motherhood went badly for your MC. After reading further, I realized it’s actually a romantic suspense. I’d cut these and dive straight into Linda’s story.) After divorcing her alcoholic husband, Linda Wheeler wants nothing more than peaceful evenings in the old-fashioned house she’d grown up in.  (Who is Linda inside? What kind of woman is she? I need a reason to connect with her and care about her story.) What she gets is another battle entirely different. (Another battle? You’ve just referenced peaceful evenings in an old-fashioned house and you didn’t say she battled for custody with her ex, so I’m not sure what this means. I think you need a transition sentence between “…she’d grown up in.” and the battle sentence. Something that shows us who she is, how she’s adjusting to the life of the newly divorced, and her hopes for her and her daughter’s future.)   Without Linda’s knowledge, teenage daughter, Jessica is exchanging letters with convicted rapist Carl Jenkins serving time in Jackson State Prison and unknowingly supplies him hope for a new life as he’s soon to paroled.  (I’d break this reveal into a separate paragraph. Devote the first paragraph to establishing Linda’s circumstances, who she is as a woman, and what she hopes for. Then slam us with this awful fact. You don’t need to bold any of your character’s names. I’d break the above into two sentences. And you need to add “be” before “paroled.”) Jessica signed all the letters with her mother’s name.  (We need a sentence here telling us what happens when Carl gets paroled so that the next paragraph happens in the correct context.)

Detective Tom Harrington will stop at nothing to return his sister’s rapist behind bars.  (Either indent each paragraph or put an extra space between each to set them off.) And finding the author of those encouraging love letters is just the place to start.  But he’s unprepared for the growing attraction and fierce need to keep her safe. (We need a sentence before this showing that Tom is focused on the mission…using Linda as bait or whatever he wants to do. Then this sentence carries more power because we see he’s changing his priorities as he starts to fall for her. And when you say “keep her safe” you need to say “Linda” because the true author is Jessica and having Tom determined to keep the author safe could mean Jessica.) I’m an active member of Romance Writer’s of America and my local chapter, Mid-Michigan RWA. (This sentence begins a new paragraph.) I’ve had short stories published in “A Hint of Seduction” and (delete and use a comma to complete the list) “Woman for Woman” and “Romantic Short Love Stories,” as well as articles published in romance newsletters associated with RWA.

Letters From Inside is complete at 70,000 words and available at your request.  (This sentence needs to be the beginning of your writing stats paragraph. And you need genre. Suggest revising to read “Letters From Inside is a romantic suspense complete at 70,000 words.” You don’t have to say it’s available because that’s a given.) I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks for submitting your query for critique. Good luck on your submissions! – C.J.

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Tereasa, thank you for allowing us to use your letter and please let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you. 

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. writes urban fantasy and is repped by Holly Root of Waxman Literary Agency. She teaches online query writing courses, synopsis writing courses, and offers manuscript critiques at http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com

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