“Romance”—what does it really mean? Perhaps its connotation depends on a person’s perspective, so how does gender play into the idea of romance? I put the question to a few men to find out how they define romance, along with their ideas on romancing a woman and vice versa. Names have been changed to initials to protect the guilty…er…romantic!
Kelsey: How do you define romance?
CL: Anything, typically a little out of the ordinary, that you do that makes your “significant other” feel special, appreciated, desirable, and loved.
JW: A special time set aside for just two people in love in which they are caring for and absorbing each other as if they are the only two people in existence. Doing things for the other person at the expense of yourself.
CG: I just try to be spontaneous…do the little things like bring flowers home without a reason. I do NOT like Valentine’s Day—just can’t buy into it! I shouldn’t have to be reminded to be romantic, or even nice, on just that one day when everyone else is doing it!
ML: Doing something that not only makes your significant other feel appreciated and loved, but also reminds you why you fell in love with this person. This could be something small or something large, but the original intent is for the other person to feel a sense of truly being special.
EH: Anything that reassures your significant other that being married/dating you is still a good idea. I think that effort and thoughtfulness are the two most important aspects.
Kelsey: What do you think is the best way for a man to romance a woman?
CL: It depends on what SHE likes and what works for her. However, there are some universal things that should work every time. Flowers, a card or a personalized note, a phone call out of the blue just to chat, a good massage, a night on the town, a long walk spent talking about the things that are important to the both of you. These things seem to be particularly effective when they are unexpected and for no “apparent” reason.
JW: Giving gifts is a good start, but not required. The best way in my life is to help her with things in her life: housework, kid, errands. In addition to those, doting on her: fix her bubble bath, making her a cup of tea or a glass of wine, back and foot rubs (I don’t do feet!), giving her the remote. 
CG: A few years ago [my wife and I] watched Love Actually and she LOVED it. Around that time, she was also very happy that she could wear smaller sized pants. So, the next day I went to Gap, bought a pair of slacks that size and the movie sound track and just casually gave them to her…not sure if that is romantic or just sweet! Also, we had a great weekend in Oman in the fall of 08, just the two of us.
ML: Like I mentioned above, the intent must be for the other person to feel special. This can be done with simple gestures of appreciation and caring – a hug or kiss for no apparent reason, a note or card that you took the time to make instead of buy, making a candlelight dinner and enjoying conversation about what matters (certainly not talking about the day-to-day things). You can also provide something that she wouldn’t normally get for herself or take the time to make. I believe doing something with no hidden agenda really can make her feel special.
EH: Good question…I’ve been trying to figure that out for years. I’ll co-sign ML’s [answer].
Kelsey: What would be a woman’s most effective way to romance you?
CL: It depends on what HE likes and what works for him. Spending time doing the things that he likes while at least pretending to enjoy it too, is a pretty easy way to “romance” a guy. And since he is a guy, you can really never go wrong with the ol’ “bow chicka wah wah”! Particularly if it involves something slinky, made of silk, and easy to remove! Hey, we’re guys!
JW: Hmm….To romance me? I haven’t given it much thought, really. Since we guys think about sex once every 10 seconds, I don’t really know where to start! Doting on me helps, not every day just during the ‘romance period’. Being sexy by wearing one of my shirts or a plain t-shirt and nothing else. Hugging on me, back rubs, gently stroking my head or arm. Basically, showing signs letting me know that she loves. Because, we know that subtle signs do not work on very many guys.
CG: As for me, I don’t need much romance. I just appreciate it when [my wife] does things that makes our life, or day, easier…again, I reckon that I am not very romantic. Damn! Now, I feel really stupid…
ML: Gestures of appreciation and love are easy to give men and go a long way, For instance, making the effort to give a hug here or there for no apparent reason. Acting like you are truly interested in what he is saying instead of glossing over into your own world. Really letting him know – whether with words or actions – that you really care for him. To me it truly seems to say the most about how much she cares for me when she recognizes that I need a little extra attention.
EH: I actually think that men and women are not that different when it comes to romance, generally speaking. For example, coming home to a candle lit dinner, minus the kids and pets, would be equally romantic for a man and women. It is all about effort and thoughtfulness. My wife loves sports so a surprise trip to College Station for an Aggie football game is very high on her romantic scale. A little unorthodox, yes, but effective all the same. Take anything that the other person enjoys and build from that.
So RU Crew, what do you think of these guys’ comments on romance and romantic behaviors? For women, did they mention some of the ways you like to be romanced? And for our guy readers, how do you like to be romanced?
Don’t forget to join Theresa Stevens, Managing Editor at Red Sage Publishing, on Friday when she continues her discussion about paragraph and action flow.
Kelsey's serving up bite-sized morsels for your noggin on her new 
Hey gals -
What’s your favorite way to be romanced and how have you best romanced your guy?
I love flowers (prefer tulips or daisies), but I’m not crazy about candy. I love a long weekend at a B&B. One of the most romantic trips my DH and I have taken was in South France where we stayed in this tiny little apartment in a residential area. Lovely! But we’ve also had some nice weekends much closer to home
.
Kelsey
Posted by KelseyBrowning | February 17, 2010, 8:28 amMy husband romances me every time he gets up early in the morning and snowblows out the driveway so I can get to work.
I romance him when I buy him curry spices even though I can’t stand the smell.
how’s that for a perfectly romantic couple…lol
carrie
Posted by carrie | February 17, 2010, 8:58 amHey –
I say whatever works!
K-
Posted by KelseyBrowning | February 17, 2010, 9:11 amGreat post, guys! All the answers seem to revolve around being aware of what makes their significant other feel special. It’s more about knowing that person and what they like.
My husband romances me by letting the dog out at 6:30 in the morning on weekends so I can sleep! It may not seem all that romantic, but for me, it’s a great gift.
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | February 17, 2010, 9:41 amI’m with you, A. I love it when the coffee’s already made in the morning. I guess that means l like romance that allows me to be lazy!
K-
Posted by KelseyBrowning | February 17, 2010, 10:13 amI think their answers are great. Do they really think about sex every 10 seconds? LOL I’ll ask my husband.
Last night we cuddled while watching the Olympics, and that was nice. I love his massages. Every once in a while, he’ll stop off and bring home flowers.
I sometimes pretend to be interested when he talks about cars or roofs. lol Besides that, I touch and compliment him often.
Posted by Edie | February 17, 2010, 9:56 amEdie -
Your comment on compliments is a great reminder. I think men love compliments as much as women do. Thank yous also seem to go a long way (at least with my husband)!
If any of the guys drop by, maybe they’ll answer that 10 second question!
K-
Posted by KelseyBrowning | February 17, 2010, 10:14 amI think they do think about sex that often, Edie! LOL.
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | February 17, 2010, 11:52 amI love what a guy thinks is romantic. My husband and I have done some amazing things. I can’t pick a favorite, but his, was a time we went snorkling for the first time in Mexico together. WHAT!! I was terrified! He told me that day and often since, it was the most romantic thing we have ever done. Hmmm ok honey.
His second, I make his lunch everyday at 5am. Ok, it is true it is the simple things in life that matter!
Posted by Jane L | February 17, 2010, 9:57 amGood point, Jane! Maybe we all need to be better about asking our guys what they think is their most romantic experience. I bet many of us would be quite surprised!
K-
Posted by KelseyBrowning | February 17, 2010, 10:16 amI loved that most of the responses revolved around showing the other person you care. I’ve had the cards and flowers kind of guy who wasn’t there when it mattered. That was NOT romantic.
My husband is not usually into grand gestures and gifts, but it’s the little things he does every day that show his love. When he surprised me with a ring on our 10th anniversary, it was all the more special because it was so out of character.
Posted by Gwen Hernandez | February 17, 2010, 10:22 amGwen -
Those gestures that are truly a surprise are melt-your-heart terrific!
And you’re right, being there day-to-day is more important than Hallmark stuff any day.
K-
Posted by KelseyBrowning | February 17, 2010, 11:54 amGreat answers!
I find it very interesting that the things the guys have identified as being romantic in nature are really very basic. Of course, that’s really all most of us want! So it’s nice to see that we (men and women) aren’t that far apart on the concept. So that’s the part that make me smile.
What I find puzzling, though, is that even though the things that men identify as being romantic and the things most women WANT from their guys are on target, and despite the fact that most of the things that both sexes deem “romantic” are mostly easy, inexpensive and readily deliverable, most men don’t regularly or consistently deliver. My question, which I can see could sort of suck every shred of romance OUT of this conversation is, why DON’T men do more romantic things for women, in general?
It makes me wonder if – and I KNOW I might have to put on my asbestos unmentionables for this – we women don’t adequately acknowledge or show our appreciation for these gestures. Could it be that men need more from us while we are feeling we need more from them? And are we really all that far apart from each other in what we really need and want to fan those flames?
(Should I go away now?)
Posted by Bren | February 17, 2010, 11:07 amOh, Bren! You are my kinda gal!
Excellent questions and hopefully we’ll stir up some conversation out here. I’ve invited the guys to check in today, but I’m not making any promises.
I think you’ve hit on something important. Sometimes I think we end up engaged in a “romance stand off” because each of us feels we’re deserving of the other doing something nice for us. And especially in the case of women (ok – at least this woman), it’s easy to say, “Why should I do all this for him when he hasn’t done anything for me lately?” It’s a matter of not feeling valued in the way you want to be valued.
We had a discussion a few Wednesdays back where we tossed around the idea of men need sex to foster intimacy and women need intimacy to have sex: http://romanceuniversity.org/2010/01/20/the-flame-the-family-how-to-keep-passion-alive-in-a-busy-married-life/
Maybe we all want the same things, but our paths to that spot are just different enough that we forget (or just don’t make the effort) to walk our significant other’s path instead.
K-
Posted by Kelsey Browning | February 17, 2010, 11:50 amYeah, last night the DH was sniffing around (the small one is at Camp Grandma and we have a new bed!) and I just wanted to hit him over the head and say :OK, we KNOW what YOUR largest sex organ is but mine is my BRAIN and you so totally have to suck up to HER before you can get to anyone else on my body!”
Makes me want to keep a two-by-four under my pillow for those times when nothing but a whack on the head will get through!
Posted by Bren | February 17, 2010, 11:54 amLOL. They’re pretty simple creatures when it comes to sex!
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | February 17, 2010, 12:01 pmBren – I hate to point it out, but you hit him with that wood and he’ll be too dazed to talk to you and seduce your brain
!
I’ll tell you, if we could get the man/woman sex discrepancy worked out, I wouldn’t need to sell my novels because I’d be too busy raking in all that lovely cash people would pay me for the answers. Nah. Nevermind. I like writing too much.
K-
Posted by Kelsey Browning | February 17, 2010, 12:51 pmI think you guys are right on. I wonder if, as a society, we are so caught up with racing here and there, playing on the Internet, etc. that we forget to show each other how much we appreciate the little stuff.
I sat down with my husband and son the other night and watched the Olympics for three hours. I loved every second of it because we were all in one place, having a conversation that didn’t revolve around how much we had to do.
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | February 17, 2010, 12:00 pmI think I’m not as easy to please as the rest of you. While I loved the guys’ post and think it’s wonderful that they have a handle on romantic gestures, I agree with Bren. Why don’t they do it? (I’m speaking men in general.)
My husband walks the dog every morning so I can sleep. I get up early on weekends so he an sleep. To me this is being considerate of one another, not romantic.
Years ago we had a big fight about flowers. Money was tight. (I pay the bills.) We agreed no gifts for our anniversary. He came home with a huge boquet of flowers. I didn’t have anything for him. He said flowers aren’t a gift. To this day, flowers remain a sore spot.
Like the guys said, for me, a romantic gesture is something that I’ll like, not something that’s easy for my husband to pick up so he’s met his gift giving requirement. It sounds stupid, but to me, a romantic gift would be a giftcard to Borders because I love to read. I’ve told my husband this, yet have never gotten one from him!
Posted by Wendy Marcus | February 17, 2010, 12:09 pmOh, Wendy, don’t get me wrong. I love the big stuff, too – LOL.
I think romance is one of those areas where it would be great to “walk a mile” in each other’s shoes. Then maybe we would truly understand what the other wants.
Lemme see if I can sweet talk a guy or two out here to chat with us!
K-
Posted by KelseyBrowning | February 17, 2010, 12:29 pmHi, Wendy. I think that’s the beauty of all this. We each have different things we consider romantic. I personally don’t need gifts and such. My husband works hard at trying to come up with “romantic” ideas, but I guess I’m a simple girl. Romance to me is him trying to make my life easier. Whether it’s helping with laundry, doing the dishes, whatever. Yes, it’s basic consideration, but I know a lot of husbands that don’t do it and I appreciate it all the more.
That’s not to say, I don’t love sneaking off to Vegas or a weekend away for just the two of us, but I’m talking about every day things.
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | February 17, 2010, 12:35 pmHmm…I see more posts coming up. Everyday Romance vs. Extravagant Romance (which is what I think many men think women want). Courtesy vs. Romance.
But one thing is clear today, romance is truly defined by the individual. And how many of us have every asked the person we love what s/he thinks is romantic?
Maybe I’ll make my own list (as Adrienne wells knows, I do love a list!).
Kels
Posted by Kelsey Browning | February 17, 2010, 12:47 pmOk – ML here…I’ll take a stab (not in the back) at answering the “Why don’t they do it” question.
Sometimes, there comes a point in time where you do romantic things and then they become the norm or expected. When it gets to this point, then the romance no longer exists for things that used to be romantic. It’s not about raising the bar with each romantic activity, but the fact that it can become “everyday” like the other things in your life. Romance should never be accepted as part of a daily routine because then it just becomes something else that gets put on a list. In my mind (however small it may be), romance should require thought and creativity in order to really show your partner that you have put some thought into it and that you hope that whatever it is will make them feel special. I don’t know that feeling special is a daily event as we all have the other parts of life going on as well.
And to answer the 10 second question – Hell yes….
Posted by ML | February 17, 2010, 12:56 pmWell, if nothing else, we’ve established the correct answer to the ten second question.
Thanks, ML.
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | February 17, 2010, 1:28 pmI think ML has it exactly right…at least in my humble opinion. I didn’t mean to sound like I was dissing everyday gestures as romantic. It’s just that after 21 years of marriage, the routine is just that, routine. Romance should be something out of the ordinary, something thoughtful and special.
That’s what I meant to say!
Posted by Wendy Marcus | February 17, 2010, 1:13 pmWendy -
Quick question for you…you said you’ve mentioned the gift card to your husband. Some people migh think if he gives you one, it’s not “romantic” because you’ve discussed it? What’s your take on that?
Personally, I’ve been married 16 years and from time to time, I tell my husband I need flowers. That might’ve reduced the romance factor early on, but now, I appreciate that he listens to and hears what I need.
K-
Posted by Kelsey Browning | February 17, 2010, 1:19 pmI think it is ok, to share with your husband what you want or need as far as a romantic gesture.
I am a HUGE GWTW fan, seriously , my office is covered in it. My husband HATES the movie, book and would love to strangle Scarlett. when I turned fourty he planned a wonderful trip to a Bed and Breakfast in Georgia, that was owned at the time by Fred Crane and his wife Terri. Fred played one of the Tarleton twins in the movie. Its was AMAZING, for me and Fred and I had a wonderful week, he gave me a ton of memorbilia from his personal collection and it was just the most precious thing my husband could have done. He did’nt even complain or say one bad thing the whole time we were there! Plus he thought he was so smart, I had no idea this existed,LOL!
Some men are just born naturals at this, some need a little training. Then after we get our husbands to understand out romantic needs, we have the wonderful job of raising SONS! Now there is another whole subject! Although my sons girlfriends always share with me how romantic my boys are! DUH! Have you met their mother! LOL!
Posted by Jane L | February 17, 2010, 1:45 pmJane -
We’ll have to keep the subject of raising romantic sons alive for some time. I’d love to help my son develop into that kind of man, but at 10, he’s still not particularly interested unless the girl plays baseball or video games
.
I love the B&B story. I think that’s what Wendy’s referrring to – something very personal and special to the person being romanced!
K-
Posted by Kelsey Browning | February 17, 2010, 1:53 pmWow, the party is well under way!
My views on romance have changed as I’ve gotten older. I used to think flowers were wonderful. But now I’d rather have a $40 gift card to a bookstore. However, I think it’s cool when my husband brings a $10 bouquet home from the grocery store to sit on the dining room table. They’re not for me, they’re there to make our house a bit more cheery.
My idea of romance is dressing up for a dinner date, having my husband cover me up with a blanket ’cause he knows I’m cold, opening the car door, looking away when a hot girl approaches, and holding out his arm for me to take when it’s slippery outside.
Now I need to go back and read everyone else’s responses.
Tracey
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | February 17, 2010, 1:58 pmTracey -
This brings up another thought…Romance vs. Chivalry. Living overseas, I’ve learned to appreciate southern (US
) men’s manners. We won’t get into all the cultural details of where I live now, but I would say men’s manners range from very deferential to women aren’t even on their courtesy radar.
Growing up in Texas, though, having guys open doors, taking off their hats at the table, standing when a woman approaches a table, etc. were pretty common place. My husband almost always opens my car door for me. And he talked with my dad before asking me to marry him. His mama raised him right!
K-
Posted by Kelsey Browning | February 17, 2010, 2:11 pmKelsey: I think the listening to me about what I want is the key! One thing I’ve learned over the years, I can’t expect my husband to guess what I need at any given moment.
Tracey: I’m with you on the gift card to a bookstore!
Posted by Wendy Marcus | February 17, 2010, 2:12 pmML here again…
One thing that I want to go back to from my original answer is that I think it is more important to do something because you are thinking of your partner and want to make her (ok – I like her) feel special and not because of any other reason. I would also much rather give or do something that is truly one-of-a-kind (because I’ve made it – not necessarily made it well) that I’ve put thought into than go out and buy something that was more of an afterthought because it was on the shelf somewhere and that might make her feel good.
Don’t get me wrong, there are definately things that I buy to make her happy, but those aren’t necessarily considered to be “romantic” things in my eyes. She might see that differently. I wear a necklace that my wife made me because it came from her and she put thought and effort into the creation of it. That means a lot more to me than anything that I could get from a store.
And back to the 10 second question……….still a yes
Posted by ML | February 17, 2010, 2:12 pmHas it been ten seconds already?
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | February 17, 2010, 2:15 pmML again –
If my mother were still here, the number 1 question I would ask her is:
If my wife says A, but really means Z, why doesn’t she just say Z?
I think there have been times that there wasn’t even an A or a Z in the conversation (more like 1 and 9), and then a find out later that I was supposed to read minds. Maybe I was just to stubborn or naive when I was younger, but I thought that if she wanted something, she would ask for it…but that’s not how things were. Now, I think she realizes that it prevents hurt feelings and frustration by just asking for it (in plain english). If I don’t understand or catch on to it, then it’s my fault.
I really am a simple person with a simple mind…
Posted by ML | February 17, 2010, 2:22 pmFor me, it’s the little things he does that are romantic to me. The little gestures that say he’s thinking about what matters to me, what would make me smile, or make my day easier.
I bought some primroses for the planters the other day, but didn’t have a chance to plant them yet. I returned after running errands to find he’d done it for me. Or when I’m writing and basically ignoring everyone, he brings me a glass of red wine, then leaves and lets me continue writing.
And on that 10 second thing…yeah, he confirms it too.
Posted by Laurie London | February 17, 2010, 4:39 pmSo Laurie, you’re an everyday romance fan! Oh, I love that he planted your flowers for you. That just strikes me a really sweet for some reason.
K-
Posted by KelseyBrowning | February 17, 2010, 10:59 pmI’m with ML. Plain English (or whatever language spoken) and no guessing is the most romantic access to me. I don’t get enuendo, and if I do it’s not a romantic thing it’s just dumb and I ignore it.
The most romantic thing I do is to listen with all my facilities and keep the focus on the one giving their heart out, or their day, or their concerns.
I don’t think I’m a romantic, I’m personally upset about not having it in my life though.
Posted by miss mudd | February 20, 2010, 12:28 pm