Last month, we looked at a sequencing/verb tense issue in a sample paragraph. We ended up with a paragraph which made the causation and sequencing clear, but that left me asking a question about whether and why we might not leave the paragraph in its newly streamlined form. It was improved but still not optimum. And this leads us to this month’s discussion of paragraph organization.
I know, right? You thought you’d left that kind of talk behind when you stopped writing 3-to-5-pagers in high school. Sorry. Paragraph organization still counts, even in fiction. A well-organized paragraph is a smooth paragraph, and smoothness is one of the ways we make prose more readable.
Let’s start by refreshing ourselves about the sample paragraph as rewritten for linear time:
Her dark gaze darted from guest to guest, searching for an appropriate distraction, until her focus skidded to a halt on two devastatingly handsome men of Viking proportions stepping inside the ballroom. Her steps slowed and a wintry blast of irritation swept through her, locking her muscles in place. Lord Beaufort stood on her left, with his ready smile and the swarthy, rugged complexion of a Welshman, and in stark contrast, his dark-haired companion wore his brooding English refinement like a shiny badge of honor.
We have three sentences, long juicy ones, packed with detail. The basic ideas are:
Idea 1: Woman viewing ballroom and reacting, and
Idea 2: Men entering ballroom.
If we map the paragraph with that in mind, we have:
Sentence 1, part 1: Idea 1.
Sentence 1, part 2: Idea 2.
Sentence 2: Idea 1.
Sentence 3: Idea 2.
We can all see that, right? Now, here’s the thing. Sometimes you want to create this pendulum effect within a paragraph. It’s particularly useful in combat scenes or other similar action scenes with two participants, high-impact action, and little emotional reaction time. For a particularly good example of this in romance, see the “Shane fights the stripper” action sequence in Agnes and the Hitman by Jenny Crusie and Bob Mayer. It’s two or three paragraphs of ping-pongy combat yumminess. She thrusts, he parries, she ducks, he blows, and so on in a lightning-fast battle. (Page 288 in the hardcover edition.)
The result is less delicious when, as here, we’re dealing with mostly emotion and description. It’s not that this is a bad paragraph, but it’s less effective than it could probably be.
When dealing with a pendulum paragraph like this, you have two basic options. You can cluster the sentences and clauses together so that the ideas aren’t broken up. Or you can frame the paragraph by putting one solid cluster at its center and halves of another idea at its outer edges. In this case, because of the time sequencing, we probably want to look at a frame. We can reverse the order of the final two sentences to accomplish this with relative ease:
Her dark gaze darted from guest to guest, searching for an appropriate distraction, until her focus skidded to a halt on two devastatingly handsome men of Viking proportions stepping inside the ballroom. Lord Beaufort stood on her left, with his ready smile and the swarthy, rugged complexion of a Welshman, and in stark contrast, his dark-haired companion wore his brooding English refinement like a shiny badge of honor. Her steps slowed and a wintry blast of irritation swept through her, locking her muscles in place.
Whether this works depends in part on the next paragraph. If our heroine engages in some show of shock or irritation, we’re good. If the next paragraph shows the men doing something, this might lose some of its smoothness unless we can keep a tight focus on her reaction to their actions.
But as far as a self-contained paragraph goes, this one has a nice symmetry now. The frame even contains paired actions — skidded to a halt and locking her muscles in place — which will serve as guideposts of a sort for the reader. We start with one idea (heroine looking around), then skid to a halt, then craft a detailed description of the men’s arrival, then go back to the heroine’s reaction with the locked muscles. This kind of link in a frame can really add to overall readability.
My only other quibbles with this paragraph, and they are minor, are the stepping/stood/steps trio. That seems repetitive and a bit flat in comparison to the rest of the paragraph. I understand the writer may have been using the concept of ambulation to signal something about the relative positions (physical, social, emotional) of these characters. It’s not the concept I object to, but the word choices. But that’s a minor quibble in a paragraph that, to my eye, works much better now.
Thank you very much to the author for letting us muck about in her prose two months in a row. It was very brave of her, especially because in a short column like this, we have little space for praise. Suffice it to say that this is strong description, a good blend of action and emotion, and well worth the time we’ve spent studying it.
***
RU Crew, do you have a scene in one of your manuscripts where the pendulum effect would work well? Feel free to share.
If you have a question for Theresa you can submit it to askaneditor@romanceuniversity.org. Don’t miss this great opportunity to have your concerns addressed by a top-notch editor!
On Monday, author Laura Lee Guhrke stops by to discuss Edwardian romance in today’s market.
Theresa’s bio:
After earning degrees in creative writing and law, Theresa Stevens worked as a literary attorney agent for a boutique firm based in Indianapolis where she represented a range of fiction and nonfiction authors. The lure of the courtroom led to a nine-year hiatus from the publishing industry, but now Theresa is back as Managing Editor for Red Sage Publishing, a highly acclaimed small press. Her articles on writing and editing have appeared in numerous publications for writers. Visit her blog at http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/ where she and her co-blogger share their knowledge and hardly ever argue about punctuation.
Kelsey's serving up bite-sized morsels for your noggin on her new 
Theresa -
I’m going to chime in early because I’ll be out of pocket most of today. I absolutely see what you mean about the framing. I guess my question is this: Do we assume it’s her seeing the men or her description of the men that’s the “action” in the action/reaction sequence? I suppose I tend to write with the reaction very close to the action so there’s no mistake about what caused the other. Plus, Adrienne ALWAYS nails me on my action/reaction stuff!
As always, we appreciate all you do for RU!
K-
Posted by Kelsey Browning | February 18, 2010, 11:13 pmAction/reaction can be a tricky business. I wouldn’t want to see this paragraph expanded in the middle, for example, because that puts the reaction (she freezes) too far from the cause (she sees them). But the description really flows from the cause. She sees them, and this is what she sees, and this is how she reacts to what she sees.
We sandwich other things between actions and reactions sometimes. Emotions, for example. A hero leans in close for that first kiss. A heroine yearns for it. She leans to meet him halfway. Action, emotion, reaction.
The problem comes when the intervening material breaks the flow. Think of this — hero leans, car horns toot and frat boys call woohoo, she leans the rest of the way. Doesn’t work, does it? Or — hero leans, heroine wonders what time it is, heroine finishes the lean. Also doesn’t work. These things might very well be appropriate or true to life, but they interrupt the narrative flow.
Action/reaction sequencing is all about that flow. Control the flow. Keep it clean. And you’ll be fine. (But also listen to Adrienne because she really understands action/reaction stuff.)
Posted by Theresa Stevens | February 19, 2010, 1:13 pm
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | February 19, 2010, 3:41 pmmorning all…
thanks for the great post theresa! i’m going to have to read that a few times to make sure i’ve got it right!
carrie
Posted by carrie | February 19, 2010, 10:11 amYou’re welcome, and please do ask any follow up questions.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | February 19, 2010, 1:15 pmHi, Theresa. I love this post. I’m going to pick a random action sequence in my WIP and see how I can improve on it using the pendulum effect.
Thanks!
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | February 19, 2010, 11:03 amI think that tennis match technique might work well in some of your action scenes. Just don’t let it go on for pages and pages, or we might get whiplash! LOL
Posted by Theresa Stevens | February 19, 2010, 1:16 pmThanks, Theresa!
I’m definitely going to give the pendulum effect a try.
Is there ever a time when an author can effectively have a reaction/action sequence rather than action/reaction? I find myself going for the gut first. I hate to admit it, but that type of construction feels more powerful to me at times.
I’m a lost cause, I know.
Tracey
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | February 19, 2010, 2:28 pmLet me throw this one back at you. Have you ever analyzed reversed passages in published books to figure out their common characteristics? Do you notice when they work particularly well? What kinds of scenes or scene moments are those?
Because, in truth, storytellers sometimes break linear story time. There are only two absolute rules in storytelling: don’t confuse the reader, and don’t be dull. Messing with time can cause confusion. When is that risk worth the possible reward? (What is the reward?)
I know. I’m making you think about it. Shoot me later.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | February 19, 2010, 3:03 pmAhh, brain cramp!
I’m not familiar with reversed passages, but I get what you’re saying about regarding action/reaction. I’m definitely working on it. Sometimes it feels like I’m explaining why the character’s reacting the way she is, which feels like telling.
I’m so conflicted! Like Kelsey, Adrienne keeps me on task.
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | February 21, 2010, 6:31 pmHello,
Sometimes I teach kids the same things that I teach adults. It is a verra interesting process.
If you were to teach 13 year olds- how would you simplify/amplify/distill what you are sharing with us?
Thank you,
laurel
Tarot Readings for Novel Writers
http://web.me.com/alchemymercury/SymbolicBridging/tarot.html
Posted by Laurel Kahaner | February 19, 2010, 5:56 pmLaurel, I would start by explaining that there are different kinds of paragraphs. Some paragraphs start and end with similar ideas (a theme and related conclusion, if you will) that bracket the stuff in the middle. Some paragraphs go back and forth between two concepts (like compare/contrast paragraphs).
In fiction, the theme/conclusion paragraph shape is similar to what we did with the sample paragraph above. The compare/contrast paragraph shape is more like like action paragraphs in the Crusie and Mayer book I cited.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | February 19, 2010, 9:10 pmHi Theresa,
Thank you for your feedback.
In this moment writing paragraphs seems kindred to choreographing yoga classes.
I might be wrong,
I am intrigued,
best,
laurel
Posted by Laurel Kahaner | February 19, 2010, 9:37 pmYou’ve got us thinking again, Theresa!
Pendulum vs Frame. I’ll totally be on the lookout for this now in the reading I do and see if I can spot it. Sometimes I can’t figure out why one paragraph works and another feels clunky. I’ll bet this is part of it. The revised version has a much better flow.
Laurie
Posted by Laurie London | February 20, 2010, 1:04 am