Good morning, and welcome to Query Writing 101. C.J. Redwine, has chosen Jerrie Alexander’s letter to critique. As always, feel free to ask questions.
Dear Ms. Agent,
I am seeking representaion (representation) for The Green Eyed Doll, my 93,000-word Single Title Romantic Suspense manuscript. I suggest saving this sentence for the last paragraph where you give your credentials/personal info. Jump right into the hook.
A peaceful Texas County (county isn’t capitalized) turns on itself (Why? I’d think they’d band together to fight evil.) when young green-eyed women go missing and are found dead, their lips painted red and a red bow tied around their necks.
Catherine McCoy doesn’t stay in one place long. She’s spent the past year reinventing herself after she killed her abusive husband. She keeps her past a secret, moving on before the busybodies and newshounds discover her whereabouts and ruin her chances for a normal life. She meets the sheriff in her latest stop. He respects her independence and ignites a flame she thought lost forever. (This paragraph is beginning to sound choppy. I think you can combine the previous two sentences to improve your pacing. i.e. When she meets the sheriff in her latest stop, however, he respects her independence and ignites a flame …) Catherine begins to believe she’s found a place to settle down and to start a new life. She can’t bring herself to tell Matt about her past. (Join these two together as well. Varying sentence length is key to excellent flow. I’d join these like so: …a new life, but she can’t bring herself…) Keeping this secret is a mistake which will cost her dearly. Good. I understand where she’s coming from and what the stakes are for her.
Matt Ballard left the big city after an undercover operation went bad (comma) resulting in his partner being raped and murdered. As Sheriff of Crest County, he’s sworn to protect the people, and when young women are murdered, solving the cases becomes personal. The fear and suspicions in his county heat up as he hunts for the killer. Catherine, a green-eyed, redheaded beauty captures his heart, and he realizes he wants her in his life permanently. When Matt reads the newspaper story of how she killed her husband, (suggest adding “though” here to really highlight how this secret turns him from wanting her in his life permanently to being unable to trust her.) he can’t forgive her secrets and lies. But when she comes up missing, he fears she’s become another Green Eyed Doll. I think we need to hear this moniker earlier in relation to the killings so we have a frame of reference. i.e. “…heat up as he hunts for the killer, while victims—dubbed Green Eyed Dolls by the media—pile up in the morgue.” Or something like that.
You need one more short paragraph. One sentence, really, would be enough where you lay out the ultimate stakes. i.e. Can Matt track down the killer before Catherine becomes his next victim? Or whatever works for your novel.
I am an active member of my local RWA chapter and a weekly critique group. I look forward to your response and am prepared to submit the completed manuscript upon your request. I can be reached via e-mail at xxxx@xxxx.net or at xxx-xxx-xxxx. Thank you for your time and consideration. Start this paragraph with the following sentence: Green Eyed Doll is a single title romantic suspense complete at 93,000 words.
Good job and good luck with it! 
Sincerely,
Jerrie Alexander
* * *
Thank you C.J. and a special thanks to Jerrie for allowing us to use her letter. Jerrie, please let us know how these suggestions work for you. We’d love to hear from you. For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org. C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them. We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.
Join us on Wednesday when author John Warwick Arden will explore the question “Are men capable of love?” You don’t want to miss that one!
C.J.’s Bio:
C.J. writes urban fantasy and is repped by Holly Root of Waxman Literary Agency. She teaches online query writing courses, synopsis writing courses, and offers manuscript critiques at http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com
Kelsey's serving up bite-sized morsels for your noggin on her new 
Thanks Jerrie and C.J.! Another great critique.
Tracey
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | March 1, 2010, 6:48 amThank you to Jerrie for submitting her letter.
C.J., another great critique!
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | March 1, 2010, 8:34 amMany thanks to C.J. and the team here at Romance University for selecting my query. It’s great advice. I’m off to rewrite and make corrections. I can’t believe the typo…am I redfaced?
Oh, yes!
Jerrie
Posted by Jerrie Alexander | March 1, 2010, 9:18 amJerrie -
Ditto what Carrie said. This is one reason I couldn’t live without my critique partners!
Kels
Posted by Kelsey Browning | March 1, 2010, 9:32 amLol. Spell check is my best friend. I would have glaring typos otherwise.
Thanks for sharing your query with us. Good luck with your submissions!
Posted by C.J. Redwine | March 1, 2010, 9:51 amI particularly love when it happens on contest entries. I may have proofread the blasted thing five times, but there’s always a typo!
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | March 1, 2010, 11:23 ammorning all!
Jerrie…lol..don’t be embarrassed, we all have them! Good luck on your rewrite, and thanks CJ for the great post!
carrie
Posted by carrie | March 1, 2010, 9:28 amCJ -
Thanks for another great query letter critique. I think you’ve inspired me to edit the one for my WIP, even though I’m not querying it yet!
Kelsey
Posted by Kelsey Browning | March 1, 2010, 9:31 amYay for edits/revisions! I hope you knock it out of the park.
And if anyone on this post is interested in getting a crash course in querying along with multiple in-depth critiques (like the one I gave Jerrie), I have 4 spots left in my online Query Workshop which starts today. Registration closes tomorrow. http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com
Posted by C.J. Redwine | March 1, 2010, 9:56 amJerrie,
Good luck with your novel. It’s a very courageous thing to submit your work for public review.
Submitting it to agents/editors will be easier for you now.
Dyanne
Posted by Dyanne Davis | March 1, 2010, 9:39 amJerrie, good for you for being brave and sharing the letter as an example for us to learn from!
CJ, thanks for the advise, now if I could only talk myself into sending mine in! LOL!
Posted by Jane L | March 1, 2010, 9:43 amSend it! The worst that can happen is you hear No for the first time. In which case, you aren’t any worse off than you are now. BUT you might hear Yes.
And you’ll learn something from it. If you get a lot of rejections, either your query isn’t hooking people, or something about your story isn’t hooking them. Either way, that’s good info to have!
Posted by C.J. Redwine | March 1, 2010, 9:54 amC.J.
I’m inspired to rewrite my very flat old query letter and ferret out a half dozen agents this week!
I’ve had great results entering contests (finaling, winning with an editor request) but not a breath of interest in my story from the half dozen agents I queried early last year.
Thank you, Jerrie, for putting your query letter out there. We”re on this learning curve together. Good luck.
Sheila
Posted by Sheila Tenold | March 1, 2010, 11:21 amIf you (or anyone) needs immediate personal attention to their query letter, I have 4 spots left in my two week query workshop (which starts today but is done on your own schedule). I’d love to help you make it AMAZING:
http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com
Posted by C.J. Redwine | March 1, 2010, 11:38 amJane, go ahead and send it to C.J. Or if you are not comfortable with it being posted on the Internet, take her workshop. I submitted mine when I took her workshop and she gave me great feedback. In fact, now that I think about it, I’ve gotten two requests for fulls off of that query. By the way, thanks, C.J. LOL.
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | March 1, 2010, 11:27 amYou’re welcome! I’m glad you got results.
Posted by C.J. Redwine | March 1, 2010, 11:42 amGreat crit C.J.
Thanks Jerri for sharing your query.
Polish up that query and be sure to let us know when The Green-eyed Doll finds a home so i can go out and buy a copy. Sounds like an interesting story.
Posted by Regina Richards | March 1, 2010, 9:51 am
Posted by Clover Autrey | March 1, 2010, 10:57 am
Posted by jpress | March 1, 2010, 11:19 amI think the website is eating my comments. I do have very tasty comments.
For those of you who need immediate help with your queries, you can grab one of the last spots in my March query workshop, which starts today and is done on your own schedule (I email lessons). You get as many critiques as it takes to make your query amazing. The link is up in my bio.
Posted by C.J. Redwine | March 1, 2010, 11:40 amYes, the site was eating your comments. I got them back for you! LOL.
Posted by AdrienneGiordano | March 1, 2010, 1:18 pmOk I did it, I signed up for the class! I hope I made it in. Wish me luck everyone!
Posted by Jane L | March 1, 2010, 2:19 pmGood for you. Go get ‘em, Jane!
Posted by AdrienneGiordano | March 1, 2010, 2:33 pmI hope the changes I made are for the better and would love to know if I achieved my goal. Thanks everyone for the comments and good wishes!
Dear Agent,
Suspicion and fear ignite a peaceful Texas county when young green-eyed women go missing and are found dead, their lips painted red and a red bow tied around their necks.
Catherine McCoy doesn’t stay in one place long. She’s spent the past year reinventing herself after she killed her abusive husband. She keeps her past a secret, moving on before the busybodies and newshounds discover her whereabouts and ruin her chances for a normal life. When she meets the sheriff in her latest stop, however, he respects her independence and ignites a flame she thought lost forever. Catherine begins to believe she’s found a place to settle down and to start a new life, but she can’t bring herself to tell him about her past. Keeping this secret is a mistake which will cost her dearly.
Matt Ballard left the big city after an undercover operation went bad resulting in his partner being raped and murdered. As Sheriff of Crest County, he’s sworn to protect the people, and when young women are murdered, solving the cases becomes personal. The fear and suspicions in his county heat up as he hunts for the killer, while victims—dubbed Green Eyed Dolls by the media—pile up in the morgue. Catherine, a green-eyed, redheaded beauty captures his heart, and he realizes he wants her in his life permanently. Though when Matt reads the newspaper story of how she killed her husband, he can’t forgive her secrets and lies. But when she comes up missing, he fears for her life.
Can Matt track down the killer before Catherine becomes another Green Eyed Doll?
I am seeking representation for The Green Eyed Doll, my 93,000-word manuscript. I am a member of RWA, am active in the North Texas and Kiss of Death chapters, and a weekly critique group. Thank you for reading my query, I look forward to your response and am prepared to submit the completed manuscript upon your request. I can be reached via e-mail at xxxx@xxxx.net or at xxx-xxx-xxxx.
Posted by Jerrie Alexander | March 1, 2010, 3:46 pmGood job!!
Posted by C.J. Redwine | March 1, 2010, 10:45 pmJerrie -
Nice job revamping the letter!
Kelsey
Posted by Kelsey Browning | March 1, 2010, 10:53 pmThis sounds like a great story, and I think the revised query reads exceptionally well. Excellent critique, and I can’t wait to read this book!
Posted by Wendy | March 1, 2010, 7:12 pm