Welcome to Anatomy of the Male Mind! Our guest today is Australian writer John Warwick Arden. John’s going to spend some time with us exploring the topic of love. Are men capable of it? Stay tuned to find out. Today’s post is just the tip of the iceberg.
Here’s John!
To me, love was always an assumption.
A fait accompli- something there was never any doubt of, and would one day come to pass- as certain as birth, marriage, taxes & death.
But now, I’m not so sure…
To paraphrase the pithy yet intuitive William Saroyan, in his wily refugee way, “I used to think I had forever; now I’m not so sure…”
Indeed. I always assumed love would arrive, in it’s own time; like a bus, a taxi, a postal delivery or a pizza.
But here I am…45, and still waiting.
Naturally, I’m not silly as I look; I did figure out early on that love would not come knocking on my door. My ‘hunter-gatherer’ instinct propelled me out into the world to stalk my prey. But usually, almost inevitably, what I thought was a hunt for love, was a hunt for something else entirely.
And it was this inescapable reality that kept me from ever connecting with love, because I had become conversant in the ways of dignifying my primal psycho sexual urges by attaching them to the grandiose, all encompassing notion that I was engaged in a ‘hunt for love’, when, in reality, I was no more hunting for love than I was stalking the Prairie for Buffalo.
For decades, I was able to justify the man hours I spent in this pursuit, when it amounted to little more than satiation of my primal urges, essentially finding me no further along the line, no closer to love than I had been when I set out.
I did not worry about this in my teens, nor in my twenties. I began to worry a little in my thirties, and now I am in my mid forties…
I find myself almost panic stricken.
What is going on? Where is love?
Anyone paying attention thus far will understand immediately that this question is not only rhetorical, but possibly even redundant.
For love is all around. As espoused in countless songs and movies, on the lips of so many human beings all around the globe, love is everywhere.
One does not have to search very hard for love. It is clearly always available.
I have experienced much love in my life. Many women came to me, and offered it. To ask whether it was real, authentic love- as opposed to, say a chemical proposition or a genetic predisposition toward making us feel better about our inalienable, inexorable urge to procreate- is an academic question, and one best wrestled with by the scientists and philosophers; not by me, here, or now.
For fear this meditation might transform into an extended collegiate dissertation, rather than a candid confessional exposition or emotional exploration, I must beg the readers indulgence that we proceed on the assumption that love indeed does exist.
I will explore my rationale for believing this further down the line, but it will not be statistical evidence or mathematical calculations; rather it will be anecdotal evidence, based on nothing more or less than my own observations. For how can something so unquantifiable possibly be proven with measures and weights?
For the moment, let us proceed as though we all have assumed love exists.
Until this hypothesis is disproven.
So, indeed, women have come and gone in my life- many offering love of varying degrees and types. But none felt to me like love.
Or did they?
How does one know?
I was told I would know love when it came. But is this really true?
What if some people do not know love when it comes? Indeed, what if some people are simply incapable of love??
For, if there is no question it exists, then surely the issue whether or not I am indeed even capable of love? Or even, at the very least, capable of receiving it?
Of course, now I have actually come to raise the question, it turns out it is the same question women ask about men all the time. At least- they have always asked me.
Eventually.
But I never heard it–not really.
Either because I did not believe it, or…
A question is often never really heard by a man until he asks it of himself.
After all, we don’t often listen to women. I know I don’t.
Deep down, many of us still bear the load of our socialization- part of which has emphasised the proposition that women are second-class citizens. Many of us hate to think women might have answers, when we don’t. Many of us cannot bear the thought you might actually be right.
How many times have you told a man something, and he has dismissed it outright, only to embrace that same truth down the line, when all else has failed?
No wonder so many women are frustrated.
This is not to suggest that only men are incapable of love, or indeed that all men are incapable of love- this is quite clearly a rash and hysterical generalisation.
But it is common among most of the men I know.
And I know it is common to my own life experience.
So I, like many of you, now ask the dreadful question.
Am I even capable of love?
***
Thanks, John!
RU Readers, what do you think? Are men capable of love? John will stop by to answer any questions you might have.
Don’t miss Friday’s lecture on jumpstarting your creativity with author Kelly Stone!
John’s Bio:
John’s been a farmer, librarian, and a police officer for ten years with a Chief Commissioner’s commendation for community service. He’s currently a writer with one film credit, and one in production. John’s working on a series of three books on the masculine perspective of love, truth, relationships, etc. He loves literature, film, art, music, animals and has not given up hope that people will one day work it all out…
Carrie Spencer, writing romantic comedy and goofy middle-grade, personifies her alter-ego - 
Hi John,
Thank you for letting us sit in on your exploration of this topic.
Are men capable of love? I think so – to varying degrees. I believe men are capable of soulmate deep love and transitory love (and everything in between). Same with women. Let’s face it – sometimes we get it really right and sometimes painfully wrong. Sifting through all the “wrongs” can be a lifelong endeavor for many.
Hang tight, John. You’ll find your Ms. Right.
Thanks again, Tracey
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | March 3, 2010, 6:49 ammorning all…
beautiful writing john…it read like poetry. =)
best of luck on your hunt!
carrie
Posted by carrie | March 3, 2010, 9:10 amJohn -
Thanks for hanging out with us here at RU.
I’m with Tracey. I think “love capability” isn’t particularly gender specific. And honestly, to determine whether or not someone is capable of love, I think we would have to define the word. And God knows, that’s been tried more times than anyone can count.
It sounds to me like you’ve got some notion of what love is to you if you believe you’ve never experienced it. I’m wishing you the best in finding it!
Kelsey
Posted by Kelsey Browning | March 3, 2010, 9:21 amWonderful post John.
I believe you first have to define love in terms of what it means to you before you can experience love. Is love companionship, reading the paper together over coffee? Is it going out together and having fun? Is it love the one your with or a wait for the perfect mate? Is it wanting to make another person happy, showing them you care?
I also believe that if you’ve been shown love as a child, if you’ve seen examples of people in love such as your parents, or grandparents, then yes, you are capable of love. (Of course there are variables that would render this untrue…but that’s another topic!)
Posted by Wendy Marcus | March 3, 2010, 10:02 amI have to agree with Wendy, exploring the definition of love and what it means to you is what is important.
It is ok to have different expectations of love. The most important thing is your happy with yourself, with your relationships and with the choices you make in life.
I do believe there is a soul mate for everyone, Yes, John for you also, she is out there and in time she will be revealed to you!
Posted by Jane L | March 3, 2010, 11:10 amThank you for your kind sentiments and generous thoughts on the topic at hand. I will let them stand, as I have more to say on this, & by God’s grace, may have the opportunity to further explore this topic here.
I will, however, include this lovely piece which I feel speaks to the topic beautifully. It is taken from a book ‘Reality Works….let it happen’ By Chandra Alexander- via my dear friend Paula.
“We are all different, and togetherness does not last for long. We are all playing a human game, and, in due time, we are apart once again. This is not something we need to react to..it is simply what happens in mortal relationships. Nothing stays the same. This may be what scares us, but it is also what encourages to go deeper…
Ultimately, whom we love is less important than how we love…”
Posted by John Warwick Arden | March 3, 2010, 11:32 amWow John. I love the last line: Ultimately, whom we love is less important than how we love.
That just says it all, doesn’t it?
Posted by Wendy Marcus | March 3, 2010, 11:56 amHi John. Thank you for being here with us today. Wonderful post. I have to agree with Wendy on this topic. I think love means different things for different people. I also believe the definition of love changes as we age. I know for me, my definition of what love was in my twenties is quite different than what it is now in my forties.
I’m looking forward to your next post!
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | March 3, 2010, 12:11 pmI help men get out of the problem and into the solution. Though well-written and thoughtful, this sort of exercise is all about the problem. When a man isn’t getting what he needs, he’ll begin to believe that there’s either something wrong with him, or he’ll turn philosophical to try to justify his past actions or current state of affairs. What do you want? What’s in the way of getting it, really? Have you asked healthy men for guidance and accountability? Have you let go of your pain, guilt and shame? These are some the questions we need to answer in order to become clear about the men we want to be. Once clear, as the song goes, love will find a way. Yes, men are capable of loving and of being loved. But first, we’ve got to love ourselves. That takers commitment and support. Thanks for the post.
Posted by Wayne Levine | March 3, 2010, 1:01 pmThanks Wayne. Glad you got a chance to tout your business.
I seem to get this ALL the time; men who jump to identify me as ‘THE PROBLEM’, and then hold up their ‘SOLUTION’ to camera.
But you see, an inquiring man is not THE PROBLEM, and I am not setting up shop here. You have no need to feel threatened.
I am in a place of genuine introspection and soul inquiry.
Unfortunately, YOU are part of the problem as I see it; a man who does not listen. This is not an ‘exercise’- this is a genuine exploration. A heartfelt honest desire for enlightenment. If you did not get this- as the other commenters did- then you either have no empathy, or you think this is a place for me to ‘sell my wares’.
It is not.
I am exploring my soul journey toward transcendence, and others have simply taken an interest.
Taking myself out of the ‘problem’, and into the ‘solution’ as you put it.
And I have been flown to the US from Australia by interested parties who see the value of my inquiry, my deconstruction AS I am doing it- whilst inside the process- with a view to taking this inquiry, and shaping it into something of benefit to others.
How that will be done is out of my hands.
I simply keep digging, and hope I don’t dig into others ‘patch’.
The above is merely one of many possibilities I will explore on the way.
So I do not view this as an ‘exercise’. I genuinely wonder ‘why’…
I am not afraid to explore my soulful inquiry in public, rather than hiding it the way I feel, as is my custom.
And one of the inevitable questions I ask, is ‘are men capable of love’, or more properly, ‘am I capable of love’?
Why would you assume this is not a reasonable question?
Of course it is in your interest to suggest men are capable of love. It is obviously your business.
I am not so dependent on this angle.
How do we know all men are capable of love? How do YOU know?
Are you God?
These- and all the other questions you mentioned- are questions I intend to explore along the way as this blog unfolds. How on earth could I possibly cover everything you mentioned in one single blog?
Believe it or not, all the things your mentioned DO NOT just magically appear; they are what is known as ‘part of a process’.
And where I come from, it is OK to ask if you are wrong, and be philosophical; this is also known as part of the process, toward a solution.
We in Australia call it ‘healing’.
I look forward to your response, where you will have another opportunity for free advertising. DAMN, I looked you up!! It worked!
Posted by John Warwick Arden | March 3, 2010, 2:42 pmJohn, my comment wasn’t a personal attack, just a response. I understand that these posts are just a snapshot, not a full exploration. I wonder why you took a shot at me? Or is it your Aussie humor? I’m not selling, just responding. I’m in the process every day with the men and I honor and appreciate it. My focus, however, is on the practical solutions to the existential dilemma, that’s all. We all have our paths toward healing, learning and growing. Cheers mate!
Posted by Wayne Levine | March 3, 2010, 3:00 pmDon’t confuse Australian with stupid. I have, since I started doing this 12 months ago, come to know when I am being attacked. There are those who hypothesise it is the American Way, but I take attacks on a case by case basis. To suggest ‘this sort of EXERCISE is all about the problem’ is to suggest that I am indulging myself in some kind of simulation. This is not only condescending, it is also wildly inaccurate. To further suggest my own chosen method of healing is ‘the problem’ is an insult. Why did I ‘take a shot at you’? Self Defense. I’m buggered if I am just going to bend over when challenged and insulted. Just because I am searching for love does not mean I am going to allow myself to be attacked without defending myself. This is NOT the Australian Way.
To insinuate I am part of the problem is to attack. And I think you know it. Unless your respose is some kind of simluation. In which case, I would paraphrase Vonnegut and ask you to consider being careful with your simulacrom- you might be taken literally…
Posted by John Warwick Arden | March 3, 2010, 5:47 pmJohn,
Don’t discount Wayne’s comments. I think he’s spot on. Even though I believe the journey we take to find ourselves can be as important as the enlightenment we find at the end, you may be overly consumed with the journey. If so, you may find yourself on a circular path.
Posted by Jack Russell | March 3, 2010, 5:50 pmI would further suggest, while we are discussing who is the ‘problem’ and who the ‘solution’, that it is NOT those who philosophize who are ‘the problem’. Perhaps it is those who NEVER examine their lives, or actions, or wonder if there is something wrong with them. I would direct you to the words of Socrates, who said ‘the unexamined life is not worth living’. Perhaps it might be men like me, who DO examine our lives under the microscope, who are actually part of the solution.
Posted by John Warwick Arden | March 3, 2010, 5:56 pmAnd the same to Jack. I will continue to live the examined life- no matter what. And I am not afraid of ‘circles’. To my mind life cycles are circular, and that is fine by me.
Fear not; I am always ready for attack. Since I began this work, not one woman ever took exception to the manner in which I did it. They were simply happy I was doing the work.
There is no right or wrong way.
It has only ever been men who have attacked me or criticised my soul journey. Some even attacked me physically- I assume because I was exposing too much about men & their trade secrets.
I have learned to prepare myself for it.
It is a uniquely Masculine tradition, to start wars with people who are just trying to do their best in a bloody complicated world.
But this man is not going drop to his knees and beg mercy…
Posted by John Warwick Arden | March 3, 2010, 6:06 pmJohn,
I appreciate your quest. I (after many attempts at understanding men and the way they think/act/love) am coming to the conclusion that men and women actually do think differently about love/relationships. The strange thing is, both men and women have, for pretty much all of recorded history, expended enormous energy pursuing this ephemeral goal of “love” without ever coming to a solid definition of what it is we are all seeking.
Perhaps the endless dance of seeking, experiencing and letting go is the true essence of “love”. While it is true (as Wayne said) that you must first love yourself, perhaps in our world love is a transitory and transitional experience for many of us.
At the risk of sounding like a wack-o, I have been through hypnotic past-life regressions, and it appears that I have been seeking ways to understand and experience love for many lifetimes, both as a male and an female. These lives have focussed on parental love, sisterly love, male-male love, and male-female love. One thing my guide said to me stands out — he said that in this time people are moving through relationships and karma more rapidly than at any other time. While it might have taken an entire lifetime to experience a specific karmic relationship (one which involves working through a certain set of challenges), at this time we move through them at lightning speed.
So perhaps there is no perfect love–and perhaps there is. But perhaps the quest, at this time, is more important than the attainment.
Posted by Diane | March 14, 2010, 7:27 pmIt was one day in Atatomy Class -subject (phemones) and the next class Western Civ.-subject time period (Jesus) and the last class of the day Sociology- subject (Ego and the industrial revolution). I came out of the day balling my eyes out. I had this light bulb go off that the human race will not be happy until they have proven that love is nothing more than some snot in your nose-that there is no god-and we have concreted over every tree on earth. It was a bad day for someone 40 years old. I have since come to terms with the human condition, the carring capacity of the earth and as far as God well thats a little like love ——– A leap of faith.
Posted by lisa | October 3, 2010, 3:13 pmYep.
Posted by jwa | October 3, 2010, 7:35 pm