Urban Fantasy author C.J. Redwine is back with our ever-popular Query Writing 101 with a letter from Jamie Balthrop McDaniel. Thanks to both C.J. and Jamie! And readers, feel free to post questions for C.J.

Prospect Agency

Emily Sylvan Kim, literary agent 

Dear Ms. Kim,

What if a wish came true and what if that wish was just a simple off handed remark? Find the answer to this question in The Highland Wish, my completed 90,000 word single title paranormal romance. (I’ve seen many agents implore writers not to start their queries with sweeping questions. Your absolute best strategy is to dive right into the story like pubs do on the back of the book blurb. And the book title, word count, genre info goes with your last paragraph. That way you can focus on hooking the agent with your story.)

While (I feel like “when” would be a better word choice here. What do you think?) freelance photographer Breanna Lewis and her twin sister Amanda go to see the ruins of an ancient castle on the shores of Loch Ness, Breanna makes an off handed wish about wanting to see the castle back in the time when it was in all its glory. (This feels really wordy. Can you streamline it to “in its original state” or something like that?) Unfortunately (comma) while trying to get that perfect shot(comma) she accidentally falls into the loch. Only to be saved from drowning by a six foot five highlander, named Gavin MacKenrick, 400 years into the past. (This isn’t a complete sentence. Fragments can work if they’re a deliberate part of the pacing of your writing. This doesn’t feel deliberate. And how does B feel about being pulled out by a huge highlander? You can work that into the sentence to give us a glimpse into her. i.e. “Unable to swim against the swiftly moving current, B is certain her number is up until a pair of strong arms yanks her out of the water and she comes face to face with a six foot five highlander named Gavin MacKenrick. Grateful to be rescued, B __fill in the blank__ but there’s a problem: Gavin is from the year 1610. And now, so is she.” Or something like that so we get a sense of adventure and possible romance.)

Okay, you’ve fallen victim to the classic query blunder here. You’ve got plot summarized, but in the interest of crunching your 90k story into a few measly paragraphs, you’ve sacrificed the Voice of your story. Voice sells the story. When I read this paragraph, I come away with the knowledge that Breanna and Amanda are twins, that they visit Loch Ness, that B wants to see the castle in its heyday, she falls in the loch, and a hunky highlander from the past rescues her. What I don’t have is any sense of your characters or the unique Voice of your manuscript. I suggest reworking this so you give us a quick phrase describing Breanna (you can describe Amanda when you deal with her search through time) and work to get the paragraph to match the pacing and Voice of your manuscript. Is your ms funny? Give the paragraph some funny moments. Is it sexy? Turn up the heat when Gavin hits the scene. Is it lyrical? Recreate that here. You get the idea.

Breanna thinks she has been sent back in time to save Gavin from being killed in an ambush at the hands of his enemy. The last thing Breanna wants is to get distracted by romance. (Wait a minute. If I fell in the Loch and got rescued only to realize I was 400 years in the past, I’d be busy panicking and wondering how on Earth I was going to ever see my family, friends, and home again. This feels like B instantly adjusts and takes it all in stride.) Gavin has become jaded by the women in King James’ court; he doesn’t trust her (Use “Breanna” instead since he was just referring to the women in the court.) but can’t fight what he feels for her. But the fates are not finished with the twins yet. (This needs to be a new paragraph. Give us a quick glimpse of who Amanda is and that she’s searching for her sister.) Amanda also finds herself lost in time trying to find her sister, but she gets more than she bargains for when she is rescued by Gavin’s chief man-at-arms Iain. (How does she get lost in time? How does she know B went back in time? Wouldn’t she just assume B drowned? What specifically happens to draw Amanda into the web of time travel? And you need to end this paragraph with a strong statement or question delivering the stakes of the novel for us. i.e. “Can the twins fulfill their destiny and find true love 400 years in the past before time runs out?” Also, if you’re going to bring Amanda into this query, be sure she has a super significant role in the story because it’s a bit diluting to have us really fall for B and G and then suddenly have to consider another pair as well. Not sure how an agent would feel about that.)

I am an active member of RWA and their local chapter in Nashville TN, MCRW. (Hey! Me too! Though I’ve been so crazy busy lately I’ve only been to one meeting in six months. *slaps own wrist* Bad C.J.) I have(delete “have”) read your interview in the RWR and felt I would be a good fit for your agency. Currently I am a freelance photography. If you would be interested in reading The Highland Wish, I would be delighted to send it to you. (This is unnecessary. The agent knows this and you need to save space so you can improve and flesh out your hook.) Thank you for your time and consideration. (Take your ms. title, word count, genre sentence and put it at the beginning of this paragraph.)

Sincerely,

Jamie Balthrop McDaniel

Thanks for submitting your query for critique. Good luck on your submissions! – C.J.

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Jamie, thank you for allowing us to use your letter and please let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you. 

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. She has just a few spaces left in her April Query Workshop. To learn more, go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com.

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