Urban Fantasy author C.J. Redwine is back for another installment of our ever-popular Query Writing 101.  This month, C.J. has chosen a letter from Cait Donnell. Thanks to C.J. and Cait! Readers, feel free to post questions for C.J.

Dear Ms. Agent or Editor:

 Now You See It  is an 86,000 word romantic suspense novel. I suggest saving this for after the hook.

Everybody mislays things when they’re distracted, but when Gemma Cavanagh is upset, she makes them really disappear—and doesn’t know how to get them back. Excellent. Former SEAL Brady McGrath has a questionable past in Asia and links to a shadowy anti-crime task force. Besides, women tend not to stick around when they find out he can read their feelings through his touch.  Saying “besides” means you’re adding on another detail to an already stated idea, but I don’t see the connection between women not sticking around b/c of his ability and his SEAL past. This paragraph gives me basic info on Gemma and Brady’s extra abilities, but it fails to connect me with your characters. Awesome first sentence, but after that I need to have a sentence where I get to know who Gemma is. Not just her ability, but HER. What is she like? What does she do for a living? What’s her current situation/motivation/conflict? You can handle all of that in a sentence or two and then do the same for Brady and give him his own paragraph. I’m going to suggest you cut a ton of stuff from the end of this query so that will open up the space to let us CARE about your characters so that we want to keep reading.

Gemma’s estranged husband is murdered, and she becomes the obvious suspect. I suggest saying “When Gemma’s …, she becomes …” But when the killer strikes closer, Gemma and Brady have to put their extra abilities to work to find the truth—before he finds them. This sentence assumes we understand how and why Gemma and Brady somehow found each other and began working together. We’re missing some important details. Did G & B know each other before the murder? How can a killer strike closer than G’s husband? I don’t get any sense of danger to G & B here. You’ve said they have to find the truth before he finds them, but I think you need to give us a phrase or two in this paragraph delivering some chilling, creepy, OH HOLY CRAP suspense so we understand just how high the stakes really are.

Now You See It  is the first book in the Inner Edge series of novels about passion, danger and courage on the inner edge of the paranormal. The heroines and heroes all have just a little more than normal abilities, and the heroes were all at one time involved with a Team of psychic SEALs The paranormal level is similar to Kay Hooper’s Bishop series;  heat level similar to early J.D. Robb.

My technical advisors include two naval officers–one a former SEAL–and a serving police officer.

I am an active PRO member of RWA Greater Seattle, Kiss of Death, Celtic Hearts and Fantasy, Futuristic and Paranormal chapters. I have been writing all my life, and have one novel published with The Wild Rose Press Vintage Rose line under the pen name Ronit Levy, which has received reviews of 4.0 and four-and-a-half books out of five.

Now You See It is finished and ready for submission.  I have 70,000 words completed of the second book in the series, and outlines for a third and fourth, so far.

Thank you for taking time to consider my work.

From “Now You See It is the first book …” to here needs to be cut down to one very streamlined paragraph. Right now, your extra details are overshadowing your story. No one is going to request based on the extra details, but if you hook them with your story, they will. J

 I suggest something like this: Now You See It is a romantic suspense complete at 86,000 words and is the first in the Inner Edge series of novels about passion, danger and courage on the inner edge of the paranormal. I’m an active PRO member of the Greater Seattle, Kiss of Death, Celtic Hearts and Fantasy, Futuristic and Paranormal chapters of RWA. I have one novel published with The Wild Rose Press Vintage Rose line under the pen name Ronit Levy and received reviews of 4.0 and four-and-a-half books out of five. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Cáit Donnell

Thanks for submitting your query for critique. Good luck on your submissions! – C.J.

***

Cait, thank you again for allowing us to use your letter. Let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you. 

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday when author Blythe Gifford reveals how chivalry and knighthood defined a man and how he should behave.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. She has just a few spaces left in her May Query Workshop. To learn more, go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com.

Pass It On

Hide Sites

CJ Redwine/Query Writing 101