Good morning and welcome to Anatomy of the FEMALE Mind. Yep, we’ve gone rogue again, but we had good reason. With it being our anniversary week, we thought it would be appropriate to invite our first Visiting Professor back to help us kick off another year.
Let’s give a big RU welcome to bestselling author Brenda Novak.
Boundaries
I’ve never been good at setting boundaries. “Pleasers” usually aren’t. They are trained—or programmed from the beginning, maybe—to give others what they want and expect, no matter how difficult or time-consuming. So I spent a good portion of my life living for the praise of my parents, my teachers, my siblings, my husband, even my children.
And then something happened. I started to write romance and that evoked some…gasp… disapproval from certain people, several of which were very close to me.
As silly as it may sound to those who have always been assertive, weathering that disapproval without succumbing to the pressure to quit was a difficult exercise for me. It required a lot of soul-searching. But I’m glad for the challenge it presented. I feel as if it was necessary to my growth as a person. I finally learned how to break out of that childish “pleaser” mold, if only a little, and do what I thought I should be doing regardless of whether anyone else agreed with it or not. Once I took a stand, I felt empowered. It was the first time I had ever really set any boundaries, the first time I put those in my life on notice that I was going to live according to the dictates of my own conscience.
I’ve now been published for eleven years and have been fortunate enough to hit The New York Times. I love what I do and am far more confident in it than I was during
those early years. And yet…I am faced with another challenge regarding boundaries. Slowly but surely, as I’ve built my career, I’ve lost control of my time. I have a steady stream of people–wonderful people so this is nothing against them–writing to ask if I’ll tell them how to get published, read their manuscript, critique their query letter, introduce them to my agent/editor, donate to their cause, visit their blog, meet their daughter/wife/mother, speak at their event, etc. The attention is exciting. So are all the opportunities. And I sometimes need favors myself, right? Look at all the people who donate to my diabetes auction! I owe thousands!
But agreeing to do it ALL means there’s no time for my family, no time for my writing, no time for my fundraising, no time to replenish the well from which I create my stories.
So how do I reclaim my life while still doing all I can to help others and take advantage of the great opportunities that come my way? How do I achieve the right balance? Is it possible to set boundaries without offending?
Whether it is or not, I fear saving my sanity will mean using a word I’ve never felt comfortable with—No.
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RU Crew, how do you set boundaries in your own life? We’d love to hear from you.
A special thanks to Brenda Novak for being with us today. After all, she could have chosen now to say no and we are so glad she didn’t. Please join us tomorrow when Jeannie Ruesch of Will Design for Chocolate will offer advice on what unpubbed writers need to establish a web presence and why they need it.
Please take a moment to read the following note from Brenda regarding her annual auction to benefit diabetes research. This is a wonderful event and the auction items are amazing (be sure to check out the RU basket.). Once again, here’s Brenda:
I started this fundraiser in 2005 and have made it an annual event in an attempt to help my thirteen-year-old son (diagnosed at 5) and the many, many others who struggle with diabetes. The need is there. Anyone who lives with a diabetic will tell you about the constant fingertip pricks, the shots, the pump insertions, the danger that comes with blood sugars that are too high or too low or swinging wildly from one side to the other. It’s almost impossible to avoid the fluctuations, no matter how hard you try. But you rarely hear about that, or about the tragic side affects. Diabetes affects every part of the body—the heart, the liver, the kidneys, the skin, the nerves, the eyes, everything. But thanks to my many, many generous donors–and shoppers–we’re doing what we can to help!
Last year we managed to raise over $280,000, which brings us to over three-quarters of a million so far. In 2010, we should break the $1 million mark! Judging by the increase in donations and web traffic, I think we’ll get there. Not only do I offer fabulous items like original paintings, handmade quilts, trips and stays and autographed books and baskets from Big Name authors, I offer fabulous opportunities for readers and writers. How would you like to have lunch with one of your favorite authors—authors like Barry Eisler, Diana Gabaldon, Linda Howard, Beverly Barton or Catherine Coulter? John Lescroart and Christine Feehan are offering you an opportunity to name a character in one of their novels. Jane Porter is offering a fabulous trip to Hawaii. Heather Graham has donated a trip to New Orleans, which includes her Writers For New Orleans Conference. Nora Roberts is offering a stay at her inn. Hank has donated a whole category of wonderful items, including a visit to your book club. And Anna DeStefano has put up a whole category of Coach purses. For aspiring writers, we have more agent and editor evaluations and author critiques than ever before. There are too many items to list here, so hop over and check it out.
For those of you who have never participated in an online auction, don’t worry–it’s easy. This auction runs just like E-Bay. You shop the entire month of May (there are also one-day auctions so be sure to check the schedule), bid on whatever you like and pay for what you win via credit card or Paypal when it’s all over, at which point it will be shipped to you (in most cases, the shipping is free). The person who places the highest number of bids each week will be awarded a fabulous prize (the first week it’s an iPad as well as an Advanced Reading Copy of my new book, WHITE HEAT, due out July 27th). There will also be lots of other prizes given away via random drawings.
And we have something new this year for aspiring writers. It’s a writing contest that will be judged by New York Times Bestselling Authors. The winner will receive a 6-month mentoring package from me and guaranteed reads from my agent and editor. One other thing I should mention. To help promote the auction, I’m currently holding a drawing for a fabulous Trip for 2 to Curacao. This trip includes airfare and hotel stay at the Hyatt Regency. To enter, visit brendanovak.com and click on the Contest link.
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Brenda’s bio: New York Times and USA Today Bestselling Author Brenda Novak has three novels coming out this summer—WHITE HEAT, BODY HEAT & KILLER HEAT. She also runs an annual on-line auction for diabetes research every May at www.brendanovak.com. To date, she’s raised over $770,000 and is hoping to break $1 million this year. Brenda considers herself lucky to be a mother of five and married to the love of her life.
Carrie Spencer, writing romantic comedy and goofy middle-grade, personifies her alter-ego - 
Brenda, I admire you so much! I know sometimes in my everyday life, I don’t have time. Besides the Magical Musings blog that I’m a part of, I’m a volunteer with two positions and I’m on the board. Then I’ve been the judge for about three contests this year. I had to tell a coordinator for one of my favorite contests that I couldn’t judge. I felt so guilty, but I know I shouldn’t have been. I can imagine how much harder it is for someone in your position.
Posted by Edie | May 19, 2010, 7:46 amMorning Brenda!
Best of luck with your million dollar goal in the auction! I’ve got a few bids out there swirling around myself….=)
carrie
Posted by Carrie Spencer | May 19, 2010, 7:52 amHi, Brenda. Thank you for a great post. “No” is a tough word. I have that problem. I’m learning though. What’s odd is I say no to my son all the time and it doesn’t seem to bother me! LOL. Maybe I should take a lesson from the parenting side of my brain?
Good luck with the auction!
Posted by AdrienneGiordano | May 19, 2010, 8:39 amWow Adrienne! I didn’t know you were so beautiful! Look at you–great pic!
No is a VERY tough word. Unfortunately, I’m not very good at it even when I’m parenting. My husband is much better. I’m not a total pushover. I definitely have a line. But my kids know they can push a little before they get there. My husband always teases me about that.
The only time I’m good at saying no is if it’s clear that someone is trying to take advantage of me. That’s the line. LOL
Posted by Brenda Novak | May 19, 2010, 9:59 amThank you for the wonderful compliment! I’m good for the day now.
Posted by AdrienneGiordano | May 19, 2010, 10:35 amCarrie–Thanks for joining in at the auction. Some people say, “I bid but I didn’t win anything.” They feel as if they didn’t do much, but every bid helps.
Posted by Brenda Novak | May 19, 2010, 9:59 amThanks, Edie. What a nice comment. You sound super busy yourself. We’re all juggling, aren’t we? That’s why I’m so grateful when someone stops long enough to help me with something. And that’s why I have a hard time saying no even if I’m overwhelmed–LOL–because I think of the other people who have made such a difference in my life.
Posted by Brenda Novak | May 19, 2010, 10:00 amHi Brenda!
No, I’m not stalking you! I promise! You just happen to be at two blogs on my must visit list.
I am a people pleaser, too! Right now my life has become incredibly busy, and I am re-evaluating how I spend my time. There are some writers I’ve met over the years who send me e-mails whenever they blog somewhere or have an e-book coming out, and I make every attempt to show up and post a comment/offer my support. Yet I never hear from them otherwise, and they rarely visit my blog without a special invitation, if at all.
Another time suck is when people ask for critiques. I have a hard time saying, no, even if I know they don’t write what I’m interested in reading or they’re new writers who require a lot of guidance and encouragement. I want to help. Really I do. But at the same time, I need to work on my own writing. I feel terrible saying it, but somewhere you have to draw the line. And yet, as much as I grumble, I’ve NEVER said no when someone’s asked me to critique their work, even when they didn’t offer a critique in return. I have a 43,000 word manuscript waiting for a critique as we speak. Along with revisions requested by a publisher, my childrens’ sports schedules, and my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah in 17 days!!! Yikes!
Posted by Wendy Marcus | May 19, 2010, 10:52 amHi Wendy–
I don’t think you’re stalking me! LOL I’m glad to have you at both blogs.
I hear what you’re saying. We have to achieve balance. I think that’s what we’re getting at here. We all definitely need to help others and give back, but we can’t let that go so far that it inhibits our ability to take care of our own family, careers, etc. Life would be so much easier if it were filled with absolutes, wouldn’t it? LOL
Posted by Brenda Novak | May 19, 2010, 11:24 amSaying no is easy. Hard is sticking with the no. Of course, sometimes someone asks me something they could perfectly do themselves but are too lazy to do so, and I go like: “No way, do it yourself.” Then, they look me with little puppy eyes and I’m a goner.
People always abuse me for that reason. My line is drawn way too high. It’s very rare for me to actually get mad (even if I’m easily hurt), so, people just keep pushing and pushing and I keep obliging… One day, I’ll learn. Probably the hardest way, but I’m sure I will
Posted by B | May 19, 2010, 12:52 pmHi Brenda,
Thanks for joining us again at RU! Sounds like the auction’s off to a great start.
2010 is my “no” year. As painful as it is, I made a promise to myself not to volunteer for anything outside RU. RU is how I’m paying it forward this year. I simply got overwhelmed last year with contest judging, contest coordinating and Treasurer’s duties.
This year, it’s all about my writing and RU. And yes, there’s a lot of guilt involved in my decision, but I’m gonna stick to it.
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | May 19, 2010, 1:23 pmB, it’s not easy establishing those boundaries. Good luck find the middle ground. LOL You sound like a really nice person, if that’s any consolation!
Posted by Brenda Novak | May 19, 2010, 7:24 pmGood for you, Tracey. I’m finally getting to the point where the release of pressure is worth the guilt. I guess we have to get to that point or we’d just keep doing more than we’re physically able to do without redlining it. LOL
Thanks for having me. This is a great place to visit!
Posted by Brenda Novak | May 19, 2010, 7:25 pm