Dear Theresa:
This might not be earth shattering enough to be posted – BUT – I’d really appreciate an answer on this one – as this type of scene is in two different spots in my current WIP. Basically, it’s a one-sided conversation being heard by the POV character outside of the scene (does that make sense?). What I’d like to know is – do I need to structure this differently because there’s one side the reader can’t hear? I kind of clumped the sentences together because I thought it reads better this way – but is this right? Should there be the dreaded … in between those sentences?
“Mom it’s for you, it’s Aunt Kelly.”
“Hey,” Jake heard Peyton say. “No, no better, I’m afraid. They have no idea. Good news? Yeah. I could use some.”
He heard silence for a few seconds and then Peyton literally sputtered. “Tell me you didn’t. To Mr. Ginger ale! No, seriously, you didn’t, did you? Why?” That last word came out as a soft wail. “I know. I know. It was my idea. It was a brilliantly funny idea and if I wanted to go out with him I would have-” Silence again, so Jake waited quietly, unwilling to miss any of this. Clearly, they were talking about him. She couldn’t have two Mr. Ginger ales in her life. “What do you mean, why do I sound mad? Why wouldn’t I be mad?”
“Don’t even–” Kelly must have cut her off again because there was momentary silence. “No, I did not tell you that. You–no, I said – Okay, I said he was better looking than I remembered. You said he was a hunk. I did not – aww, man, he’s going to think-” Silence again and then, “Oh, yes he will, he’s–” she either turned away from the family room or wandered deeper into the kitchen and lowered her voice, because Jake couldn’t hear what she was saying.
“Quarter! You said a bad word,” Paige called out.
Thankfully, Jake heard her again when she said, “Just a second,” to Kelly and, “I thought you guys were doing your homework,” to the kids.
“We are. You still owe a quarter, Mom,” Paige insisted.
“You do know that what I said is the actual name of an animal, don’t you?”
“Um, not when you end it with ‘hole’, Mom. Sorry.” Jake laughed out loud at Spencer’s logical interference.
“Oh, for cripes sake. Yeah, Kel, just a minute.” Jake heard rustling sounds and then a clink. Apparently, Peyton paid the piper in the form of a quarter in the mason jar and if he didn’t miss his guess, he was the asshole. Great.
Okay. I can see why this is giving you some trouble. First, let me point out that Jake is doing nothing. The scene feels static because it is static — he’s silent, unengaged, and unseen, a ghost in the corner. Give him something to do. And remember the importance of relevant action. Don’t just have him watering flowers as he’s listening. Give him a goal, and put that goal into conflict with the overheard conversation. Maybe he needs to get something out of the room with the phone, and he needs to do it without being noticed. (In that case, his need for stealth takes on an extra dimension of dramatic purpose.) Maybe he needs to get out of the house — some emergency elsewhere — and the phone call is causing him to delay. (In that case, the dramatic tension would come from the opposition between the need to stay and the need to leave.)
Do you see how that works? The phone call doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Even if it’s not currently written that way, other plot elements are occurring around the phone call. Bring them in and let them put some dramatic tension into the scene.
My next tip is for the call to be tightened. There’s a lot of extra chatter in this scene snippet, and it weighs down the pacing. Now, before you go cutting to the bone, I want to point out that in its current state, this dialogue feels and reads very much like a real phone call. Natural social conversation is rarely direct and concise. People interrupt each other and themselves. Sentences wander. Ideas are dropped only to re-emerge ten minutes later. You’ve absolutely caught that reality in your scene here.
But this isn’t real life. It’s a fictional representation of how a real life might be, and to that end, we must sometimes sacrifice a bit of reality to keep the pacing tight and clean. For example, you could cut almost all of the interchange with the kids — which, near as I can tell, has little dramatic relevance. I think you may have included it for flavor, for a bit of liveliness and fun and character interaction. A bit of flavor is a good thing, but keep it neat.
You could pare that part of the exchange to something like:
“Quarter! You said a bad word,” Paige called out.
“I thought you guys were doing your homework,” She must have turned back around to talk to the kids, because Jake could hear her clearly again. He could also hear some rustling and then a clink. Apparently, Peyton paid the piper in the form of a quarter in the mason jar and if he didn’t miss his guess, he was the asshole. Great.
So there you have it, the two secrets to managing an overheard phone call scene:
1. Let the call unfold in the midst of another scene so that more is happening than just standing and listening.
2. Keep it tight.
Where else can this exchange be tightened in a way that doesn’t interfere with tone?
Theresa
* * *
Thanks, Theresa and Murphy!
All right, RU Readers, Theresa’s issued a challenge? Any thoughts on where else the exchange can be tightened? Be sure to post your comments below.
Join us again on Monday when agent Scott Eagan discusses the benefits of category romance authors having agent representation.
Theresa’s bio:
After earning degrees in creative writing and law, Theresa Stevens worked as a literary attorney agent for a boutique firm based in Indianapolis where she represented a range of fiction and nonfiction authors. The lure of the courtroom led to a nine-year hiatus from the publishing industry, but now Theresa is back as Managing Editor for Red Sage Publishing, a highly acclaimed small press. Her articles on writing and editing have appeared in numerous publications for writers. Visit her blog at http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/ where she and her co-blogger share their knowledge and hardly ever argue about punctuation.
Carrie Spencer, writing romantic comedy and goofy middle-grade, personifies her alter-ego - 
The tension could be ramped up naturally if Jake answers the original call and hands it off to Peyton. We could then benefit from his deeper POV (curiosity, insecurity, reactions) to the bits and pieces he overhears. Might eliminate the need for chatter among extra characters.
Posted by Molly Swoboda | May 21, 2010, 5:20 amThat’s a good idea, Molly! If he has some inkling as to who’s on the other end and why they might be calling, his curiosity and speculation might provide a nice layer of tension.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | May 21, 2010, 9:23 amTheresa,
Thanks for the great post. A special thanks to our readers for sending in their great questions. Keep ‘em coming!
Tracey
Posted by TraceyDevlyn | May 21, 2010, 5:43 amMorning Theresa!
Great hints there! I agree it sounds exactly like a real phone call, interruptions and all. Shortening the quarter scene the way you showed it really makes that section pop. And it’s funny! =)
Good suggestion Molly! If he answered the phone she could shoo him out of the room, then have him stop in his tracks when he hears Mr. Ginger ale.
Happy Friday everyone!
carrie
Posted by Carrie Spencer | May 21, 2010, 8:26 amI thought it was funny, too. And I just realized that I didn’t answer the original question about using ellipses in the dialogue. I don’t think it’s necessary. There are a couple of em dashes that signal the other person is interrupting, and those work fine.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | May 21, 2010, 9:29 amThanks for a great post, Theresa. I like how you tightened the scene without eliminating the fun.
Great question. We have such smart readers!
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | May 21, 2010, 8:40 amPhone calls are challenging to write! I thought this was a great question.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | May 21, 2010, 9:30 amLadies -
I think this was a fascinating question! And Theresa, thanks for the reminder that the POV character must have relevant action and a goal in the scene. Yes — that’s an obvious, but in a scene like this, the writer can sometimes lose sight of that fact.
Happy Friday, all!
Kelsey
Posted by Kelsey Browning | May 21, 2010, 9:03 amYes, because the author’s goal is to have Mr. Ginger Ale overhear the call. Mission accomplished, but Mr. Ginger Ale should have some purpose, too.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | May 21, 2010, 9:30 amThe one-sided phone call was a staple on “Three’s Company,” the seventies sitcom, and was a major tool leading to the misunderstandings and miscommunications that the writers parlayed into an amusing romp. Another great resource for you would be listening to Bob Newhart’s “button down mind” albums, which are now available on CD or at iTunes and such places . . . he does the one-sided phone call like no one else.
This can be a great way, in a novel, to let one character know something without giving all the details to the others and to the reader!
But that’s what I see as missing in the scene. There’s not really a detail being held back–or is there? If there is, and this will lead to plot complications, then that’s the key.
You rendered the “oh no he didn’t–oh yes he did” stuff in a funny way that would work well on your blog as a humorous piece (because blog readers are patient and they’re interested in the writer as a person, generally, not just in the forward motion of a story), but that should be tightened up.
~~“Hey,” Jake heard Peyton say. “No, not any better, I’m afraid. They have no idea. Good news? Yeah. I could use some.”~~
The “Good news?” is not realistic, because we don’t repeat back stuff like that to people. That was just for the benefit of the reader. So take that out, first. Maybe use something like “Yeah, thanks.” There was a pause. “You what?”
I don’t want to know that she “literally” spluttered. (I would say “spluttered.”) We take these things literally when they’re written down in the narrative. I would also just say “there was a pause” rather than “he heard silence for a few seconds.” Or “She paused.” We know what it means, and there’s no need to filter it through the “he” character, IMHO.
~He heard silence for a few seconds and then Peyton literally sputtered. “Tell me you didn’t. To Mr. Ginger ale! No, seriously, you didn’t, did you? Why?” That last word came out as a soft wail. “I know. I know. It was my idea. ~
You could even condense this. “Tell me you didn’t! Not Mr. Ginger Ale!” Another pause. “Well, because . . . you’re yanking my chain, right, and you really didn’t do that?” She emitted a soft wail. “The whole thing was my idea, but I . . . oh, God.”
I dunno if that condensed it much (I am not the go-to person for condensing, generally), but it gives it more personality.
On the other hand, I can’t get published even with invocations of demons and bribes (I have way too much voice), so take anything I say with a saltlick. Good luck out there!
Posted by Shalanna Collins | May 21, 2010, 10:25 amYes, the information overheard must be relevant to the plot. And misunderstandings *can* be created using this scene device. But it’s not the only way to effectively use this mechanism. Secrets — how and when they’re revealed, who’s privy to which details — can be good short-term tools, too. (By short-term, I mean something that can sustain a couple/few chapters. Most secrets aren’t powerful enough to drive an entire book, but there are exceptions.)
Posted by Theresa Stevens | May 21, 2010, 11:42 amShalanna,
I couldn’t agree more about the ‘good news’ comment. I had already cut that – it just seemed like I was spoon feeding there. ICK
And yes, in this small little bit – there’s one thing the reader and Jake know that Peyton doesn’t – there’s one thing Peyton knows that the reader and Jake don’t – which will be the catalyst for them getting together – this is why I wanted it to be technically correct from a written standpoint. Great thoughts. Thanks for sharing them. 
Oh, almost forgot. Sputtered v.s spluttered? Holy flaming underwear of hell – Shalanna, my CP is going to have a feild day with this. Spluttered is a huge bone of contention (among the many) in our graveyard of word disputes. Great…*insert me sulking big time here* She’s probably already fired off an email or two or seven to stick it to me over this one.
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 12:11 pmIn a scene like this one, I’d try to ‘be’ Jake. You’re so right when you he has to have a goal. If his goal to is to listen to the conversation I’d ask myself, what would ‘Jake (me) do?’ Putter around the kitchen, hide behind a wall, pretend to clean something, which a male wouldn’t do, maybe try to sneak into another room and pick up the receiver but can’t get pass his sister.
Theresa you really did tighten up the scene. That is a hard one to write.
Posted by Yasmine Phoenix | May 21, 2010, 10:28 amHokie Doodle! Thanks Theresa! I’d gush now and say you’re my hero – but you already know that, right?
Okay, I went back and had another look at this block. I should have qualified the ‘POV character out of the scene’ part better. Because Jake is actually at his house and he’s listening to the goings at Peyton’s place (insert giggle here – every time I say that I crack myself up) – via a bugging device. So really, the reader already knows that he’s been half listening to them (that’s what’s required of him) while he’s drinking his Southern Comfort and flipping through a file folder of information on her in the comfort of his own home – when this call comes in. And it’s this insignificant call that causes him to put everything down and pay close attention to what’s being said now, because they’re talking about him. I thought that was funny in itself – because really he should have been paying better attention before, right? Well, that’s the way it’s setup. And the reader also knows that he’s familiar with her house – especially the mason jar filled with quarters, because when he planted the listening device – he had a look around and spotted the jar filled with silver which made him wonder who the pirate in the household was, her or her kids?
When you say let the conversation fall in the midst of another scene – the call is in the middle of another scene so to speak, as the reader isn’t really in the kitchen with Peyton – the reader is actually at Jake’s place while he’s doing his work listening to what’s going on at her place.
Now, with the kids? They do serve a major purpose being in the scene. The idea of holding mom accountable was what I was going after – as she’s a widowed parent who’s been raising her kids on her own and their pretty smart – so the accountability factor figures greatly into the overall resolution in the end of the story and Jake, (who’s not a big fan of children and therefore hasn’t spent much time listening or learn about them – is now forced to do just that – so when I’m in his POV – he’s listening to them as intently as he listens to her – because, well, I figure he doesn’t know how to tune them out like every other self-respecting adult – who knows kids – does ).
But crapatola! That darn pacing. Yep, I can see where it drags. I’m going to fix that. And until I read through the comments (which are all great btw) and found your second one *insert wipe of brow here* when I read the answer to my dreaded ellipse insertion question – Thanks a million T! And, um, you don’t mind if I lift your shortened version, do ya?
Man, you actually went above and beyond the call (pun intended) of duty with this one. Thanks again.
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 11:55 amOkay, Murphy, so you’ve got a lot of material like this, and you need to find a way to render it more interesting. I still think the way to do this is to make Jake an active presence in the scene. What can he be doing at his house that would create dramatic tension? How can an interesting phone call screw up his plans?
The kids can hold mom accountable in a few lines rather than half a page.
But there is some strong writing here, and you’re off to a good start.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | May 21, 2010, 12:22 pmMurphy,
Jumping in here to send you a big THANKS for sending in this question. Sorry, I should have done so earlier.
We really appreciate participation from RU readers.
Tracey
Posted by TraceyDevlyn | May 21, 2010, 2:05 pmHi Tracy!
Your readers are awesome! And let’s face it, you guys were pretty smart to land T – to do this kind of thing. Not only does it help the ‘perpetually striving to be better’ writers’ out there, but it’s fun, too.
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 3:06 pmWhat can he be doing at his house that would create dramatic tension?
Geez, I don’t know. You got any ideas? Thoughts? Just kidding! Not really… No, seriously, short of having him pour over information relevant to the problem – and putting all that aside to find out what she has to say about him. Hmm? Are you talking movement? Did I mention that as this scene continues (we already know his steak is on the Barbie) he looks out to the deck and sees his prized t-bone going up in great licking flames – but still he doesn’t abandon the – more interesting conversation? Does that qualify as dramatic enough? I mean – me, the writer, came between a man and his meal…I don’t think you can get anymore dramatic than that. But hey, I’m open to any and all suggestions.
And the kids thing? I’m SO using your shortened version – I wasn’t kidding about that.
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 12:46 pmNow that’s funny! Food or listening to the conversation. Which one is more vital and which is he willing to sacrifice. I like the scene taking place in Jake’s house and his dilemma. He can see in his mind what is going on at Peyton’s place.
I have a question. Jake only placed a listening device in her home, right? So of course he only hears one side of their conversations. Why didn’t he bug the phone as well? I’m sorry I get stuck on details once and a while.
Posted by Yasmine Phoenix | May 21, 2010, 12:56 pmGood question and I’m glad this occured to you. Yup, he isn’t perfect and he actually wonders why he didn’t bug the darn thing too! Some great internal dialogue kicking of himself there – I love it when a plan doesn’t fully come together.
Is that mean?
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 1:04 pmNo it’s not mean, well maybe just a little. But I think you’ve got to put obstacles, logical and illogical ones, in the paths of the hero and heroine. Otherwise they could easily fall in love, solve the mystery, or whatever.
Posted by Yasmine Phoenix | May 21, 2010, 2:34 pmTake it and make it your own.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | May 21, 2010, 6:25 pmFor me the missing piece was what Jake was feeling as he was eversdropping. I’m guessing Peyton is the heroine and Jake is the hero, so it’s pretty significant how he feels when she is talking about him in such a revealing manner.
**
Silence again. Jake moved closer to the door. Mr. Ginger Ale? They were talking about him? She couldn’t have two Mr. Ginger Ales in her life. This he had to hear. He twisted the doorknob and let the door open up a crack. (This is assuming he is in the adjoining room– we do need to know where he is with respect to her).
“What do you mean, why do I sound mad? Why wouldn’t I be mad?”
“No, I did not tell you that! All I said was he was better looking than I remembered.” Now this was getting interesting. He had to get back inside.
(how he reacts in his mind to her talking about his looks can tell us so much about who he is. He could also be at a point in the story where he didn’t care what she thought, in which case, his internal dialog would go something like this: So, she did think he was good looking so much for the cold shoulder she’d been giving him. Not that he cared. He was just about to shut the door when he heard her say the word ‘Hunk’.).
**
I like the way Theresa tightened up the Quarter scene. Overall, I think the scene has so much potential. Her relationship with the kids, his sneakiness in evesdropping– all very revealing. Plus, it can be a really active scene, if you show us what’s going on in their heads and around them.
And I agree that the dashes and all the interuptions aren’t necesarry.
Another great lecture. I’m starting to live on RU.
Sonali
Posted by Sonali | May 21, 2010, 12:50 pmSorry, Murphy, I wrote my comment while you were writing yours so I missed all the set up. Darn.
Posted by Sonali | May 21, 2010, 12:56 pmHey – no problem. I’m taking notes on all this stuff. You guys are great!
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 1:08 pmHi Murphy!
Always take notes when you’re commenting. Very funny. This was a great question. Does Mr. Ginger Ale get to eat his burned dinner after all of that? Well done on this. I got a great visual from this little peek and it had me smiling as I read it. Theresa’s fix for the kids part is a good one.
Posted by Babs | May 21, 2010, 2:34 pmNope. The poor guy. Lunch bag left out – twice. First, when the burnt offering on the BBQ is nothing but a smelly, sizzling, cinder by the time he gets to it, but worse than that? He knows he’s going to be on the receiving end of something that was Peyton’s brilliant idea. Something that she would’ve pulled the trigger on herself, if she’d wanted to go out with him. (hehehe) Kelly’s bad.
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 3:49 pmYou’re absolutely right — when I described Jake as a ghost, this was what I was aiming at. He’s not engaged in the scene. Adding a character purpose and some dramatic tension would naturally lead to more emotion from the pov character.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | May 21, 2010, 4:08 pmI am loving this thread. Great stuff here.
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | May 21, 2010, 1:14 pmTheresa & Murphy,
Thanks for taking this on! There’s been lots of good suggestions here for tightening. And although this scene works in context with the reader picturing Jake anxiously staring at the bugging receiver, I think the idea to have him debate steak vs. listening adds a perfect amount of movement to the scene. (Was that in there, Murphy? I don’t remember it, so if it was, maybe amp that up a bit.)
‘Spluttering’ a smug tune here. Hee! No, I’m not really doing that… I just wanted the fun of pretending I was feeling smug.
Jami G.
Posted by Jami G | May 21, 2010, 2:40 pmHi JG!
No, it wasn’t in there at the time – but as you well know, I was having a problem with that scene. So, I sat down and said to myself, Hmm…it’s too early for a dirty martini – so think, Murphy. What do you want to accomplish with this scene? *insert me leaning in to whisper this phatic phrase in your ear* Because between you and me? To the casual observer this scene is fun fluff stuff, and yet it’s not. There are three major elements at work here – that show up later, but drat! It’s true, there’s always room to tighten.
Jake’s steak debate is hilarious. I’d forgotten how much I liked that part until I went back and reread it this morning while I was thinking about T’s comment. Thanks T!
And, um…SPLUTTERING? This is a word that should be stricken from every dictionary. What have I said about this word? Just pronouncing the hideous verbal monstrosity makes you do the actual action. Say out loud with me – Spluttering. Spluttering. Sheesh! How messy does that sound. *insert shrug here* hey, I’m easy enough to get along with – when in doubt – I take the sucker out!
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 3:38 pmAw Murphy,
You know I wasn’t really being smug because you got me to agree with you months ago.
Besides, with all my hack-n-slash tightening, I think I’m going to end up with about 20 dialogue tags in my ENTIRE 95K story. It’s better to show ‘sputtering’ with dashes and word stumbles anyway. 
Jami G.
Posted by Jami G | May 21, 2010, 9:18 pmHe could be watching the progression of his steak from slab o’ beef to cinder. The brief flare-up, the flickering, dancing flames, the reaching for the sky master flame, the simmer down to the low flames of Hades licking the sides of the small charcoal briquette that was once a beloved T-bone.
=)
just a thought.
carrie
Posted by Carrie Spencer | May 21, 2010, 4:17 pmAh, Jake’s charred steak would provide a funny/interesting post-phone call conversation (only if it’s pertinent to the scene of course) with Peyton. How’s he going to explain that he let the steak burn because he was busy eavesdropping on her phone conversation?
Great post. I’ve got a couple phone conversations in my manuscripts and I’ve always struggled with them because they sound rote and flat, kind of like Joe Friday narrating the beginning of an episode of Dragnet.
BTW….I’m quite fond of the word “spluttering”
Cheers!
Jen
Posted by Jennifer Tanner | May 21, 2010, 4:38 pmJen? You’re killing me! How could you be fond on that word? Am I the only sane one around here today?
Hmm…?
Why, yes I am…and as such, I’ll make this arbitrary decision myself. It doesn’t matter how many of you like that awkward word – it stinks and since I’m the only sane one here – I say it should be stricken. *insert me sticking fingers in ear and reciting lalalalalalalala over your heated protests*
Naw, that’s not like me – I’m shy, unassuming and tolerant. So, use the word if you must. But know, every time you insert that word into your story – there’s a reader out there that’s going – when they read it: “Spluttered? Gag me with a mouth full of marbles – because it sure does sound like I talking with a gob full.” Personally? I think this word belongs in the Elmer Fudd dictionary for the speech challenged – but hey, that’s just me. Knock yourself out, Jen.
See? This is Murphy – easy to get along with.
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 4:59 pmMurphy…
I support the use of the “word” but only in rare instances when no other word would suit the purpose. (btw, I adore Elmer) I haven’t used the “word” in any of my manuscripts….yet. :twisted
Grins,
Jen
Posted by Jennifer Tanner | May 21, 2010, 5:20 pmWell, Jen, here’s my grimace to your grin.:???: Crapatola! You are twisted.
Have I mentioned I don’t need the extra stress in my life right about now? No? Did I share with you the fact, that my CP is like the energizer bunny, strung out on a mitt full of steroids that she’s swallowed with a couple of cans of redbull topped off by an espresso chaser, when it comes to the words she covets? And splutter, *insert Homer Simpson type shudder here* is one of her favorites. You’ve set me back, girlfriend – and at this point? Sure, I’ll take an apology, but I don’t think it’s going to help. *sigh* I was hoping I wouldn’t have to resort to threats to get her to delete that word – but you guys have left me no choice in the matter. Thanks! This is just swell!
Murphy – shaking her head.
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 7:57 pmMurphy,
I’m frowning here…I thought my CP was the ONLY Energizer Bunny CP out there, but apparently not. I do know she eschews caffeine in liquid form.
Splutter, splatter, pitter, patter…I feel I’m well within my rights to splutter today as the neighbors kids have been shrieking and hopping on their squeaky pogo sticks all afternoon as I’m attempting to finish my **** synopsis from hell.
Toodles,
Jen
Posted by Jennifer Tanner | May 21, 2010, 9:07 pmCarrie! LOL! Exactly! Jake’s waiting – listening, sure at any moment he’s going to hear something earth-shattering, so he can’t leave to save the steak. One flame flares – no problem – another ignites, shit, there’s trouble…and well, it goes on from there – I was laughing my ass off reading it – visualizing honey (for those of you who don’t know, honey is my hubby – who has had previous steak issues – that I’ve shared with the gang over at Edittorrent) so the visual wasn’t a stretch for me.
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 4:42 pmAnd we could raise the steaks — I mean, stakes
— by having this be a specially marinated piece of meat that he’s been drooling over for days. Imagine if he had to special order the spices. Hunt the markets for the right kind of pepper. Mix the ingredients with the precision of a chemist. Set his alarm for the middle of the night to baste it.
Just think how important that overheard call becomes with every new detail. He doesn’t know whether to drool or cry.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | May 21, 2010, 6:29 pmLOL! I must admit that I had Jake make a special stop at a butcher’s for just the right piece of meat (anyone who’d heard of honey’s mystery meat debacle would understand the significance of this purchase) – but the spice idea and the marinating? I’m liking this T. Thanks!
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 7:28 pmLOL to Carrie. Most men I know would *never* sacrifice a great steak just to eavesdrop on a phone call. ~m
Posted by Molly Swoboda | May 21, 2010, 4:24 pmOkay, Molly, I wasn’t going to mention this – but your comment is a great one – it was actually on my mind when I constructed the scene. You see, Jake chooses to sacrifice his T-bone in this instance because he’s nosy and his ego has already been battered by her, so it’s important to him to hear the dirt, but several chapters later when Peyton’s in a similar predicament? She, um, chooses to save the food. Now, that’s funny.
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 5:16 pmOkay Murphy Girl! You’ve got it spluttered
Posted by Molly Swoboda | May 21, 2010, 5:34 pmYou see, Molly? That’s what I’m talking about! You are SO my kindred spirit! I could live with spluttered used that way — well, truthfully, I’d never use the word – but in that totally wrong context? I wouldn’t trip over it so much.
*insert me tapping my front tooth with index fingernail here* Interesting…
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 6:39 pmWell, I say just get it up and out! (Hack, hack, hack). You have a platter of splutter to deal with, Murphy…particularly after Theresa threw out that subtle hint to Jake’s nurturing side at least as it pertains to hot meat. Enough ellipses and m-dashes for me. Fun discussion and you’ve been a *great* sport. ~m
Posted by Molly Swoboda | May 21, 2010, 6:56 pmWhenever I write a one-sided conversation I also write the other side, then remove it later. It helps with the timing, the pauses, the reactions, the spluttering.
Posted by Sonali | May 21, 2010, 7:57 pmAgain with the SPLUTTERING????? I’m such an easy mark, aren’t I? If you said yes to this – you should be ashamed of yourself!
Murphy (insert me picking up my ball, shoulders slumped, head down, feet dragging – as I shuffle off the play ground.) Hey, I have to lay it on thick if I hope to have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting my CP to keep that word out of her current WIP, right? Thanks guys!
Actually, Sonali, that’s a good idea – why did ya have to go and dilute it? Man, you spluttered it up!!!
Posted by Murphy | May 21, 2010, 8:08 pmMurphy said: Did I share with you the fact, that my CP is like the energizer bunny, strung out on a mitt full of steroids that she’s swallowed with a couple of cans of redbull topped off by an espresso chaser…
ROTFLOL! Um, so I shouldn’t tell you that I don’t do steriods or caffiene? Yes, that’s right. I could be even worse. Mwhahahaha! *ahem* No, no, I give up on the spluttering… If I don’t need it, I take it out is my new motto.
Jami G.
Posted by Jami G | May 21, 2010, 9:24 pmUm, so I shouldn’t tell you that I don’t do steriods or caffiene?
OMG! You’re joking!
Murphy – completely freaked over this news.
Posted by Murphy | May 22, 2010, 9:13 amDear Murphy, a great idea of yours and a very interesting method.
You were kind enough to offer this passage for comment, so here is my tuppence worth, as Theresa suggested. It precedes hers, which I cannot question:
“Mom it’s for you, it’s Aunt Kelly.”
“Hey,” Jake heard Peyton say.
“No, no better, I’m afraid. They have no idea. Good news? Yeah. I could use some.”
After a few seconds Peyton said, “Tell me you didn’t. To Mr. Ginger ale! No, seriously, you didn’t, did you? Why?” That last word came out as a soft wail. “I know. I know. It was my idea. It was a brilliantly funny idea and if I wanted to go out with him I would have-”
Jake waited, curious. Clearly, they were talking about him.
“What do you mean, why do I sound mad? Why wouldn’t I be mad? Don’t even–”
There was momentary silence followed by, “No, I did not tell you that. You–no, I said – Okay, I said he was better looking than I remembered. You said he was a hunk. I did not – aww, man, he’s going to think-”
Silence again and then, “Oh, yes he will, he’s–” Her voice faded, then Paige called out, “Quarter! You said a bad word.”
Thomas.
Posted by Thomas Sharkey | May 23, 2010, 2:13 amThanks Thomas! Good job with that!
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | May 23, 2010, 2:23 pmWow!
Thank you for the compliment, but it’s still your baby, best of luck,
Thomas
Posted by Thomas Sharkey | May 24, 2010, 12:09 am