It’s that time of year again. The RWA conference buzz is widespread and we unpublished writers are polishing our pitches.
Whether you’re attending the conference or not, having your elevator pitch ready can’t hurt. You could be at a function one night and your friend will say, “Hey, I just met Joe Smith here and he’s an editor at XYZ Publishing. Tell him about your book.” Yes, it actually happened. Turned out the publisher in question only handled non-fiction, but you get the point.
New York Times bestselling author CJ Lyons is here to help us get our pitches ready.
Here’s CJ!
The Pitch is a writer’s best friend.
Why? Because it’s what you’ll use every time someone asks you to tell them about your book. Agents, editors, elevator folks, Great Aunt Martha. Whoever.
Since it’s verbal, shorter is better. No more than 25 words total, 10-15 is best. Short, sweet, memorable. That’s what you’re going for—hey, I didn’t say it would be easy!
There are several different types of pitches. Here’s how I define them:
Hollywood/comparison pitch: a very quick, easily memorable way to let someone who has never read your work know what it’s going to be like (note: not what it’s about, but what they can expect).
For my debut medical suspense novel, LIFELINES, it is: ER meets Grey’s Anatomy
Implying that it has the edgy realism and non-stop action of ER, but also focuses on relationships like Grey’s Anatomy.
I think elevator pitches were invented by all those ADD Hollywood types.
It’s your down and dirty answer to: what is your book like? It’s a comparison, not an explanation or description.
The trick with elevator pitches is to use something universally known (like Indiana Jones) or something current and trendy. You need to use comparisons your audience will understand, nod their heads and say, oh yeah, that sounds like something I’d read.
Elevator or 15 second pitch: This one is more descriptive. Start with your book’s hook line (also known as “tag line” or “log line”). 
These are those throw away lines that scream at you from book covers. Also look at movie posters and ads–they use hook lines a lot.
JAWS: don’t go into the water, ALIENS: in space no one can hear you scream, etc.
These hook lines are useful in query letters to hook the reader and transition into your blurb.
For LIFELINES, the hook line is: July 1, the most dangerous day of the year.
Notice what a hook line does that’s different than an Hollywood pitch. A hook line gets the reader to ASK questions, builds that emotional velcro by getting them involved.
For LIFELINES, readers might ask: why is July 1 the most dangerous day of the year? What will happen then? Who is in danger? What kind of danger? Etc.
These hook lines are also great to use on websites, business cards, etc. Often, they’ll end up on the book’s front cover.
Okay, so you have a hook line. Sometimes that’s all you need, the conversation will evolve naturally from there. Other times you use it simply to attract attention and move into a more detailed description. This is where that 15-25 word story summary mentioned above comes in handy. The hook line hooks the reader into wanting (or asking to hear) the short summary.
High Concept pitch: also quick and dirty, but here you’re going farther than a simple comparison.
Instead of comparisons you use ICONs or universal concepts to connect your fictional world to the world of your audience. This creates emotional velcro with your audience, leading them to be interested enough to want to know more!
To do this, you need to do two things: First, find a hook. This is the unique spin that you have put on your story. This means narrowing your search to one small part of your story. Start with your blurb, usually the hook will be apparent there. If not, keep looking.
Basically you’re boiling your novel down to one and only one unique concept–whatever it is about your story that will create an immediate emotional connection or spark interest.
Note: often this isn’t your main plot line. Often it’s the inciting incident or a unique detail that you expand upon in your world building.
Second, tie this unique hook to the larger world by using universal icons and feelings, implying that society at large is affected. Something that brings this hook specific to the time and place of your novel into the ordinary world of your audience.
You’re building a bridge here, connections, emotional velcro….whatever you want to call it, it needs to be so easy to grasp that anyone can feel it immediately. It’s all about the audience’s emotional response, NOT the story.
One of my favorite high concepts: ALIEN’s. It was: Jaws on a spaceship.
The unique hook = spaceship. Unique because no one has been on a spaceship, it’s something unfamiliar to the ordinary audience.
The universal icon = monster (Jaws). Everyone has had childhood fears of monsters under the bed.
We all know and understand fear, nightmares, terror. In fact, a large segment of the movie going audience (Alien’s target audience, in fact!!) pays good money to feel these emotions!
Add the two together and we have a universal fear of monsters combined with nowhere to run (trapped on a spaceship). A powerful one-two punch!!!
Feel how it evokes an immediate visceral response as well as intrigue???
The audience hearing this high concept immediately squirm in their seats, ask themselves: where can the people on the ship run? How can they fight the monster?
AND, the movie makers tied this high concept into their advertising by using a tag line of: In space, no one can hear you scream….
But note—there is no mention of character names, no long, involved psychological profiles, nothing except the bare essentials needed to pique the audience’s attention.
That’s the beauty of the high concept, it strips everything away except what you need to intrigue your audience.
It’s an emotional promise. It does not tell the story (unlike your premise). Instead it creates the same emotional response in your reader that your novel will evoke.
Another example. David Morrell’s recent book, SCAVENGERS used as its high concept: a scavenger hunt (unique hook) to the death (universal concept). The tag line used in advertising: Some secrets should remain buried…
Pretty obvious David’s audience are lovers of thrillers/suspense, and wouldn’t that audience immediately respond to that high concept? Be intrigued, think, hmm…I want to read that book, wondering what this master of suspense has in store for them.
Stephen King is also brilliant with high concepts. CUJO: rabid dog (hook) terrorizes town (universal fear). SALEMs LOT: vampires (unique hook–at the time) terrorize town (universal fear), CARRIE: prom queen (hook) terrorizes town….okay, anyone think King is writing sweet romance? Or has he earned his title of the King of Terror?
High concept depends who your target audience is and what kind of emotional experience you want to promise them.
For LIFELINES, my high concept is: An ER doctor saves the wrong patient.
Let’s dissect it. ER doctor = universal icon (we can all see a doctor as soon as you read that, right?)
Unique twist = saves the WRONG patient
Feel the sense of irony (implied irony really helps to make a high concept memorable)? It helps you to connect to the idea, feel intrigued, want to know more.
This high concept actually only addresses one teeny, tiny plot point in the book—but it creates the emotional response that the book promises. A world where even good doctors are powerless to save everyone, a world where saving a life can end up costing more lives, a world where no one is immune to danger…..
All that from seven little words!!! That’s the power of a high concept.
Often, because the high concept is such a tiny taste of the entire book, as writers, we get frustrated because we’re looking at the big picture. We just spent months with these characters, we want to share them with our audience, expand on them, not boil them down to a bare skeleton.
But think of it this way–if you boil down a compelling high concept then the reader will spend hours with your characters and story as they read….after they pay their money for the book, of course, lol!
The high concept isn’t a synopsis or blurb, it’s merely a way to give your audience a sneak peak of the emotions they’ll feel while reading your book. And not every book lends itself to a high concept, so don’t get too frustrated if this doesn’t seem to fit your work!
This is hard, very, very hard!! Be patient, keep trying, brainstorming power words, re-arranging and most importantly practicing saying them aloud. Pitches are verbal so they need to sound smooth, natural, not awkward or stilted.
The only way to learn how to do these is dive in and give it a try! Go ahead and post your “perfect pitch” in the comments—I’ll comment on them, but I’d also like everyone who posts a pitch to comment on at least two others. Explain why they worked for you or why they didn’t.
Format your pitch as: I’m pitching a (fill in the genre) titled (title). Then dive right in!
Thanks for reading,
CJ
***
RU Crew, CJ has generously agreed to take your pitches and offer suggestions. Please, to respect CJ’s time, we ask that you choose one type of pitch (elevator, high concept, etc.) and only pitch one book. Thank you!
Join us on Monday when C.J. Redwine critiques a reader submitted query letter.
About CJ Lyons:
As a pediatric ER doctor, CJ Lyons has lived the life she writes about in her cutting edge suspense novels. Her award-winning, critically acclaimed Angels of Mercy series (LIFELINES, WARNING SIGNS, and URGENT CARE) is available in stores now with the fourth, CRITICAL CONDITION, due out December, 2010. Her newest project is as co-author of a new suspense series with Erin Brockovich. Contact her at http://www.cjlyons.net
Kelsey's serving up bite-sized morsels for your noggin on her new 
Good morning, CJ! Thank you for being with us again today. We always love when you visit.
Here’s my shot at the elevator pitch for my WIP:
An out-of-work investment banker turned dogwalker gets dogjacked.
Thanks!
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | June 4, 2010, 7:48 amAdrienne!!!
Love it! Perfect high concept–why? It made me smile once I got to that last word (your punchline).
What a great twist, good irony and easily memorable!
Nice work,
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 8:56 amYay, me! LOL. Thanks, CJ.
Posted by AdrienneGiordano | June 4, 2010, 9:39 amThe story is awesome too!!
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | June 4, 2010, 11:22 amAdrienne, “dogjacked” made me smile. That was the hook for me.
Posted by deb smythe | June 4, 2010, 10:09 amAdrienne, I love it! The book instantly sounds like fun. Yay you!
(Why oh why did I write a tearjerker?)
Posted by Sonali | June 4, 2010, 1:35 pmAdrienne:
LOL! I love it.
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | June 4, 2010, 3:02 pmWow! Such great info — I’m going to be reading this several times.
I was intrigued by the “what is your book LIKE” — that really is great, because it helps you create that connection, since readers like to read things similar to what we like.
I also had never thought about the high concept pitch being about the emotional experience. That makes a lot more sense for me now.
I’ll try a Hollywood pitch:
I’m pitching a Regency historical titled LORD MOONLIGHT. It’s “The Great Gatsby” meets “Pirates of the Caribbean”.
Posted by Donna Cummings | June 4, 2010, 8:00 amDonna,
Hey there! Thanks for playing!
Yes, you nailed it–comparisons (comps, agents call them) are very important for any writer to be aware of. They help to communicate to industry professionals (agents, editors, booksellers, sales force, reporters, reviewers, etc, etc, etc) who your target audience is.
Everyone should know their comps–at least two or three books. Better you decide who your target audience is than to let some anonymous sales rep decide it for you!
Now, for your pitch. I like it, but I don’t “see” Regency historical. I think it might be the Gatsby reference, that makes me think serious, melodramatic, angsty, tragedy…..which isn’t at all in keeping with the Pirates fun-filled romp theme.
Is there another book that might hit a better emotional vibe, similar to the vibe your book produces? Or movie?
Have fun brainstorming!
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 9:00 amThanks, CJ. This is actually the only “comp” one I’ve tried. LOL I’ll do some more work.
“The Great Gatsby” reference is about a man who goes away to reinvent himself so he can win the woman in his past that he wasn’t quite rich enough for. I guess it’s too obscure. LOL
And Adrienne, I giggle every time I see “dogjacked” — it looks really fun.
Posted by Donna Cummings | June 4, 2010, 9:07 amThanks, Donna. Glad I could make you laugh!
Posted by AdrienneGiordano | June 4, 2010, 9:42 amYou need to know about the Great Gatsby reference, because it sounds important to understanding your character.
But don’t make the audience work so hard–we’re lazy, lol! We need it pitched in a way that makes us immediately “get” it on an emotional level–then you can explain it to us on an intellectual level, after you’ve already hooked us emotionally.
Hope that makes sense!
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 9:53 amWhile I agree with the reasons it won’t work in general, being a Great Gatsby fan it intrigues me.
Posted by Gayle Feyrer | June 4, 2010, 9:54 amDonna,
I guess what I got out of the Hollywood pitch description was that we should pick two things that describe the *vibe*, not the *storyline*. It’s hard to imagine the vibes of those two examples meshing. So, yes, your story may match The Great Gatsby’s storyline, but maybe look for something that matches its vibe if you want to use this pitch style.
Hope that helps!
Jami G.
Posted by Jami G | June 4, 2010, 10:19 amJami, I like your idea of the “vibe.” That just clicked for me.
Posted by AdrienneGiordano | June 4, 2010, 10:23 amYes, that’s exactly right–we’re looking for a “vibe” or emotional promise that is the same as your book, not necessarily the same plot.
Thanks, Jami!
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 10:36 amHi Donna!
I’ve got a question about this. If your hero goes away and then comes back reinvented – like in The GG – Shouldn’t that be the end half of your pitch and not the beginning bit? Unless the beginning starts with him already reinvented – then he’s less like Jay, and more like the Count of Monte Cristo, right? Now, The Pirates Of The Caribbean? That’s a tough analogy because when I think of that – I think of Jack Sparrow swilling rum and swaggering like a drunken Keith Richards. What comes to mind for you with Pirates Of The Caribbean?
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | June 4, 2010, 3:35 pmGreat info, CJ. And, yikes, this is hard.
I’m pitching an urban fantasy titled WIP. She’s not your Sunday school angel.
Posted by deb smythe | June 4, 2010, 8:39 amDeb,
Your title didn’t come thru–I’d love to know if it reflects the pitch. If so, you have a winner!!!
Love the concept–can’t you just see the cover art for it? Maybe even add a beat, just for cadence:
She’s not your *typical* Sunday school angel.
Or
She’s not your *ordinary* Sunday school angel.
Play with it–you don’t want to hit that punch of “angel” too fast, you want to set them up and then knock ‘em down, lol!
BTW, it must be Kismet–as I was typing this there was a knock on my door and it was the Watchtower people!!!
Great job,
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 9:04 amThanks, CJ!
That extra beat definitely adds punch.
Look out for those Watchtower people.
Posted by Deb Smythe | June 4, 2010, 10:50 amI don’t know if my pitch was too short, but for something a little longer, I was thinking:.
Boots, badge and magic to damn her ever-living soul; she’s not your standard Sunday school angel.
Or
Kick-ass boots and a license to kill; she’s not your standard Sunday school angel.
Posted by Deb Smythe | June 4, 2010, 12:08 pmTo me, the first is confusing (I’m too busy figuring out what boots, a badge have to do with magic to hear the rest), the second better.
Good job,
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 2:18 pmHi Deb,
I like the second one, but does anyone else trip over the alliteration at the end of that: standard, Sunday School? As CJ mentioned, ‘typical’ would be my choice replacement for ‘standard’. Or maybe ‘average’ Sunday school angel – to balance out the ‘a’ and play on angel. Otherwise, awesome!
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | June 4, 2010, 3:21 pmMorning CJ!
Great to have you here, and so much wonderful information! I’ll be saving this to my keeper file for sure.
I’m trying an elevator pitch…
Dying-to-be-published fashion maven turns Queen of Polyester to win a job with CEO publisher.
Sorry, needs work, but my brain hasn’t started percolating yet!
carrie
Posted by Carrie Spencer | June 4, 2010, 9:11 amHi Carrie!
I think you’re trying to cram too much into the pitch. We have someone who wants to be published as a writer (right?) and they go to work for a publisher (not the CEO because that would be a bean-counter, not someone who could actually get them published) but they go to work for them as a fashion designer???
Or are they a fashion designer pretending to be someone they aren’t because they also want to be a writer? But a real fashion maven could easily get published (look at Martha Stewart or any of the celeb books out there) so where’s the conflict?
It all sounds kinda fun and whacky but I have no clue what’s going on–but I haven’t had my coffee yet either, so maybe it’s just me, lol!
One thing that might help is to focus–what’s your theme, what’s the book REALLY about? Pretending to be someone you’re not? then I’d focus on the Maven pretending to be a Queen of Polyester and why she’s forced to do this….
Have fun playing with it!
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 9:23 amShe’s a fashionable gal who wants to get her mother’s book published….so she takes a job in the publishing company in HR, and runs across an ad the publisher wrote while looking for a new EA…he describes Jane Hathaway as his perfect secretary. So she becomes that to try to get closer to get her book published. So yeah, she’s pretending to be someone she’s not and forced to do it to get the book published….
I’ll keep working at it!
Thanks CJ
carrie
Posted by Carrie Spencer | June 4, 2010, 9:56 amOh cool….I so totally didn’t get that from the original.
Thanks for clarifying!
Have fun with it,
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 10:08 amMaybe play off the differences in being a fahionista versus a secretary. Is she unorganized? This is a shot in the dark, but I’m trying to think of the universal themes. Maybe something like: An unorganized fashionista takes a secretarial job to nab a publishing deal.
A lot of people are unorganized and a whole lot of people want a publishing deal! LOL.
Posted by AdrienneGiordano | June 4, 2010, 10:29 amThat’s pretty darn close…thanks Adrienne!
=)
carrie
Posted by Carrie Spencer | June 4, 2010, 2:09 pmCarrie, I have a book with a lot of kooky things happening in it too — and I can’t seem to narrow it down to an elevator pitch! LOL This sounds fun, and I’d like to know more.
I guess I would want to know HOW turning into the Queen of Polyester will win her the job with the publisher. Because I can see how transforming herself into that from a fashion maven means she really wants the job. Hope that makes sense (I need more caffeine now!)
Posted by Donna Cummings | June 4, 2010, 9:46 amDonna..yupper..that makes sense….she really wants the job! and no caffeine here yet, but those cherry strudels are looking mighty fine…..=)
carrie
Posted by Carrie Spencer | June 4, 2010, 9:57 amI agree–Donna has a great point. Because wouldn’t any publisher be more likely to publish a book by a Fashion Maven than they would by a Queen of Polyester???
And what would a publisher hire a fashion designer for anyway? Except to write a book, which is exactly what she wanted anyway…..see, I’m still a little lost here….
Play around, have fun with it–sounds like a good read, I’m just not sure why, which means you’ve got some nice emotional hits in there, they just aren’t adding together to make sense, but the emotional part is the tough part to nail, so good job!
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 9:58 amFashionista transforms herself int Polly Ester to get her man!
I’ve read some of this and it’s hilarious and kooky. I LOVE kooky!
Posted by jennifer tanner | June 4, 2010, 5:49 pmHere’s my Hollywood comparison pitch of my historical mystery. It’s slightly off kilter, but catchy, I hope.
Lust For Life meets Silence Of The Lambs.
Posted by Gayle Feyrer | June 4, 2010, 9:53 amGayle,
Not sure if this works because I have no idea what Lust for Life is (was?) Is there a similar movie/book/tv show that would be more universally known? Maybe something that reflects the historical time period of your book?
Keep in mind that many of the industry pros you’ll be pitching to are young…frightfully young!!!
Okay, just went to IMDB and see it’s the Kirk Douglas Vincent Van Gogh bio–why not just use Vincent Van Gogh? Especially if he is a character or it takes place in that era…
I consider myself a movie buff (but not a Kirk Douglas fan, so that might be why I’d never heard of it) and if I didn’t know it, chances are many of your audience you’re pitching to won’t either.
Hope that helps!
CJ (definitely intrigued by the idea of a guy like Van Gogh tracking a serial killer!!!)
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 10:03 amThank you CJ – I mentioned the idea to my movie buff husband, and he couldn’t remember the movie was about Van Gough. My heroine is an artist from about that time, so I can’t just use “Van Gough meets etc” – but I do have a follow up sentence that gives me at least an interim pitch. It would be, My artist heroine isn’t crazy like Van Gough, but she has a lot of crazy friends (and one of them is a serial killer).
Posted by Gayle Feyrer | June 4, 2010, 10:24 amGayle,
Is there some other connection between your heroine and Van Gough? Could she be described as a Van Gough-wanna-be. a Van Gough-fan-girl, a Van Gough stalker?
If so, then you could maybe make the connection with less words. A Van Gough (some description) meets Silence of the Lambs.
Hope that helps!
Jami G.
Posted by Jami G | June 4, 2010, 10:37 amGayle,
The Van Gogh meets Silence of the Lambs works–it immediately intrigues, promises a certain vibe, and leads the audience to ask more….then you answer with your, “my heroine….” line.
Or go with another pitch, maybe even a high concept (since Van Gogh is such an universal icon), something like:
An artist friend of Vincent Van Gogh searches for a serial killer.
Hmmm…I’m actually liking the Hollywood pitch better (with your heroine explanation follow up), feels like it packs a bigger emotional punch.
Have fun with it!
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 10:40 amI agree with CJ, I have no idea what Lust for Life is.
I think the Hollywood pitch is so short, we need to really make sure the two things evoke a visceral reaction.
Hope that helps!
Jami G.
Posted by Jami G | June 4, 2010, 10:24 amHi, Carrie!
Here’s my comparison pitch mixed with an elevator one.:
Psycho” meets “Steel Magnolias,” a woman faces hidden skeletons in a small country town.
I’m interested to hear what you have to say, as I have had mixed reactions from my other writing friends.
Bobbye
Posted by Bobbye Terry | June 4, 2010, 10:00 amHi Bobbye!
I “get” Psycho meets Steel Magnolias–tells me it will feature a woman and her friends/family, small town secrets, and a twisted killer.
Not sure the rest of it helps at all–it feels redundant and that dilutes the power of the first part.
When you pitch you need the audience to get it the first time–if you add on extra words or repetitive ideas it doesn’t clarify, instead it makes it muddy so you lose the power of your original emotional hit.
Short and simple is best.
Good job!
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 10:06 amHi CJ,
We’ve met at the Lowcountry Beach Retreat. I’m pitching a romantic suspense – Deadly Reflection
A sexy health spa owner used to shaping bodies is discovered with a dead one by a duty bound detective who can’t get her body out of his mind.
Posted by Nancy Schneider | June 4, 2010, 10:08 amHi again, Nancy!
BTW, highly recommend the Low Country RWA’s retreat and master class week at the beach!!!
Your pitch feels like it would work for a blurb in a query letter or on back cover copy or in a synopsis–all places where you need a quick oneliner in writing.
So, great job!!! Don’t lose that!!!
But try reading it aloud….think cadence, think impact, think audience attention (which is very, very short). Do you stumble at all? Can you get it out in one breath?
Feels like there are some extra words in there, doesn’t it? I think it’s because you’re trying so hard to get the “body” pun in–which works on paper because we see both words. But they’re too far apart to work verbally.
If you’re wedded to the pun, try this: A sexy spa owner is discovered with a dead body by the detective who can’t take his eyes off her body.
Now we eliminated all the redundant words (spas are healthy, spa owners of course shape bodies–you don’t need to tell us, any detective hero will be duty-bound, etc) and we back load with the word body as well as bring the two bodies closer together.
To me, it still feels forced–but puns don’t come naturally to me, so that might just be my style.
I’m more intrigued by the detective and his conflict, so if it was me, I might use: A detective can’t deny his attraction to his main suspect–too bad he was the one who found her with the dead body.
(might be cool to add the circumstances, if it’s funny, maybe she was in the mud bath with the body or the sauna or chocolate bath, play up the spa angle there)
Still a bit clunky, but maybe more emotionally on target? Not sure, you know your story best.
Play around with it–out loud, since this is a pitch. And definitely hold onto your first version to use in a query letter!
Nice job,
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 10:24 amOoh! I love the one with the detective’s conflict.
Posted by AdrienneGiordano | June 4, 2010, 10:33 amHi Nancy,
I like the body pun and CJ’s 1st rewrite. I’m not crazy about the double “body”, though. Maybe change the first body to corpse?
i.e A sexy spa owner is discovered with a corpse by the detective who can’t take his eyes off her body.
The pun’s intact, but I feel like the sentence reads a little smoother.
Posted by Deb Smythe | June 4, 2010, 11:06 amI like the one with the detective’s conflict more. I think it’s because the conflict is more ‘active’ in that one. He discovers. He is attracted. As opposed to her being discovered and being attracted to
(Sorry, middle of the night here in India, so I might be incoherent.)
Sonali
Posted by Sonali | June 4, 2010, 1:32 pmOkay. I think some people took Psycho so literally they couldn’t see it mix with Steel magnolias, but what you thought is exactly what it is
Thanks,
Bobbye
Posted by Bobbye Terry | June 4, 2010, 10:09 amGlad to help, Bobbye!
Good luck with it!
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 10:25 amI kind of like Psycho meets Steel Magnolias. I do get a strong hit of Mom with the knife heading for the shower. But it was creepy and made me laugh, too, so that’s good.
Posted by Gayle Feyrer | June 4, 2010, 10:27 amHi CJ,
I think I’ll try my high concept pitch. I couldn’t come up with Hollywood comparisons to save my life on this story, and my elevator pitch is too long of a sentence for the initial attention-getting attack.
I’m pitching an urban fantasy, The Resurrected. To save the world, she must sacrifice her family.
Thanks!
Jami G.
Posted by Jami G | June 4, 2010, 10:31 amJami,
Good job!!! Only thing I’d add is something about who “she” is–a mother? a young girl? a politician? a warrior? a cheerleader?
Give us an adjective that sets her apart and increases that wonderful emotional dilemma she faces.
Great start!
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 10:42 amHi CJ,
Thanks! Yes, the heroine is a wife and mother. I was debating spelling out ‘her husband and son’ instead of ‘her family’, but I think simply saying ‘mother’ would be stronger.
To save the world, a mother must sacrifice her family.
Thanks!
Jami G.
Posted by Jami G | June 4, 2010, 11:09 amOh yeah, that works!!! You just increased the emotional impact ten fold with that one word!
Good job,
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 11:24 amYay! *does happy dance* Thanks!!!
Posted by Jami G | June 4, 2010, 12:02 pmYeah, Jami,
The word mother gives it an emotional jolt. I like that addition. I wonder if you could also work in some fantasy keyword to give it flavor and really hook the target audience.
Posted by Deb Smythe | June 4, 2010, 12:04 pmHmm, I could, but it would change the rhythm. Not sure if that would be good or bad.
To save the world from an immortal (dictator, despot, madman???), a mother must sacrifice her family.
What do think Deb? CJ? Anyone?
Posted by Jami G | June 4, 2010, 2:14 pmJami, I can’t “see” immortal–is he/she/it a demon or some other more concrete noun that folks can immediately recognize? If not, I’d leave it as is.
Good work,
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 2:20 pmThanks, CJ. There’s no easy way to describe my immortal characters (cross between vampire and angel, vaguely, sort-of, kind-of…
). So maybe I should just leave it.
Posted by Jami G | June 4, 2010, 2:34 pmJami, this one gave me chills. I want to read it immediately, but I’m scared of it at the same time. Perfect! What an awful conflict. (And I’m with you on describing the immortal characters that are not vampires, angels, demons, etc. It IS tough! But so much fun.
)
Posted by Chassily Wakefield | June 4, 2010, 6:53 pmHi CJ and others:
I’m pitching a thriller titled CLOSER: A psychologist with PTSD must transcend his past to survive the escalating violence perpetrated by a pair of vengeful stalkers.
(And, no, it is not about a shopping trip to Walmart….)
Thanks!
Posted by Brent M | June 4, 2010, 12:28 pmI don’t know what a PTSD is off the top of my head. I’d say some sort of doctorate. But I was wondering if it’s important that it be in the pitch? But I liked the use of transcend..evokes a nice image and made me wonder what was in his past that has to do with stalkers. My unprofessional opinion is thumbs up.
Posted by Margie Senechal | June 4, 2010, 1:48 pmThank you, Margie. You bring up a good point–I made an assumption about PTSD being a “known entity.” It’s short for Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, which could be spelled out to be more helpful….
Cheers,
Brent
Posted by Brent M | June 4, 2010, 1:52 pmHow about something like A traumatized psychologist must transcend the violence of the past to deal with the terrors of the present? Too general?
Posted by Gayle Feyrer | June 4, 2010, 1:57 pmBrent,
I like Gayle’s suggestion of ‘traumatized psychologist’. That gets the gist in there without verbally tripping over a too-long sentence. And I don’t know if you need the ‘escalating violence’ part either. Maybe something like: A traumatized psychologist must transcend his past to survive a pair of vengeful stalkers.
Yes, no, maybe so?
Hope that helps,
Jami G.
Posted by Jami G | June 4, 2010, 2:18 pmBrent,
I think your instincts that it might be too vague are on target. I like Jami’s suggestions to tighten it and use more powerful, precise descriptors. Make us FEEL the danger rather than just sense it clinically (when you use more vague general terms, it becomes more distant and less immediate to the audience–just like when we write)
Nice job,
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 2:22 pmCJ and Jami:
Thanks for your comments, they make perfect sense. Tightening. I will work on it.
Cheers,
Brent
Posted by Brent M | June 4, 2010, 2:37 pmThanks, Gayle. I like the buzz between traumatized, transcend, and terrors.
Good thoughts.
Brent
Posted by Brent M | June 4, 2010, 2:30 pmI’m pitching a YA titled BIX
Diminutive teenager with the wit and intelligence of Fletch moves to a town that looks like Pleasantville on the outside but plays more like a Stepford village once you get past first impressions.
Thanks for taking a look Appreciate it.
Posted by Margie Senechal | June 4, 2010, 1:45 pmHey Margie!
Fletch is rather dated as is Pleasantville–and neither rise to the power of a cultural icon like Stepford Wives does. Plus, can you say this in one breath? I can’t–by the time I get to the end, I forgot the beginning.
Anyway you can simplify and tighten? Like instead of big words how about: smart, sassy, short teen….now that’s easy to say and remember.
Keep it simple for us in the audience, don’t make us work–instead just let us “feel” the vibe of your story.
Sounds like a cool premise! Have fun playing with it!
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 2:24 pmMargie,
It seems like there should be a shorter way to get across the ‘diminutive teenager with the wit and intelligence of Fletch’ idea. Would just ‘a dim-wit teenager’ work? Try tightening this whole thing: A (descriptive word) teenager discovers (his/her) new Pleasantville town is more like a Stepford village. Or something like that…
Hopefully that will give you ideas anyway.
Jami G.
Posted by Jami G | June 4, 2010, 2:25 pmHi Margie:
I agree with CJ about the Fletcher thing. The Pleasantville doesn’t really bother me as it plays against the Stepford idea. So here’s me having fun with your stuff – it sounds like a great premise.
and I hope you don’t mind. You never know it might shake loose an idea or two. But before I put it down, I do have to ask, is it important that you point out his stature issue up front? *shrug* just wondering. Also, when I did this I felt like putting a ‘When’ in front of your pitch – like maybe you left off mention something important at the end. Example: When (description and set-up of the teenager moves to a town that isn’t what it seems) insert-> something happens.
When a height challenged teenage with wit, intelligence, but no common sense, moves to a town that’s Stepford village disguised as Pleasantville, he grows up fast (pun intended…height challenged. Get it?)
Well, you can see where I was going with this.
Good luck with this one Margie!
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | June 4, 2010, 4:54 pmPS..I was going for the high concept.
Posted by Margie Senechal | June 4, 2010, 1:46 pmHere’s my elevator pitch for Color of Shadows and Smoke:
Los Angeles 1929, where the only difference between the cops and the gangsters were there badges.
Posted by Pat Brown | June 4, 2010, 1:54 pmPat,
Nailed it! Great job!
I’d tweak it the tiniest bit, just so it rolls off the tongue more smoothly:
LA, 1929, where the only difference between the gangsters and the cops are the badges.
Subtle change, no big deal! Good work,
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 2:26 pmLove it! I immediately want to read this book.
Posted by AdrienneGiordano | June 4, 2010, 3:22 pmHi Pat – I think the “where” is fine if it’s the lead in to a synopsis or something, but if you’re speaking, I’d go for the more immediate. Los Angeles, 1929. The only difference between the cops and the gangsters is their badges.
Posted by Gayle Feyrer | June 4, 2010, 2:31 pmHi CJ, RU team,
Another great lecture. I’m glad I stopped by on my Bombay vacation. Yay! Jetlag.
Here’s my hollywood pitch…
I’m pitching a multicultural contemporary titled, The Bollywood Bride. It’s Wuthering Heights, Bollywood style.
My other option was Wuthering Heights meets Monsoon Wedding– but I wasn’t sure Monsoon Wedding is that widely known. What do you guys think?
Thanks so much for doing this,
Sonali
Posted by Sonali | June 4, 2010, 1:56 pmHey Sonali! I’ve actually seen Monsoon Wedding–but I think your first pitch works best. Especially when paired with the title–and really, your title is high concept all in its own–brilliant!!!
Thanks for sharing,
CJ, suffering from title envy, lol!
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 2:27 pmThis positively boggles me. I might even pick up the book, and I don’t read contemporary romance.
Posted by Gayle Feyrer | June 4, 2010, 2:37 pmThanks, CJ!
Gayle, I hope ‘boggles’ is a good thing. It’s Wuthering Heights in the childhood love turns into unbreakable soul connection way.
See, I think multicultural puts that other-world thing in comtemporary. I hope you get a chance to pick it up soon
Sonali
Posted by Sonali | June 4, 2010, 7:34 pmHello again all. I’ve a different version of my artist vs serial killer pitch. I’m not quite sure if it’s high concept or movie. I like that it evokes the period more. What do you think of –
Jack the Ripper visits the Moulin Rouge.
Posted by Gayle Feyrer | June 4, 2010, 2:35 pmGayle: I like it! Perfect wedding of two worlds.
Brent
Posted by Brent M | June 4, 2010, 2:39 pmI like it, Gayle! Very evocative and intriguing!
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 3:33 pmThanks all! This has been a valuable and fun event. I’m off to do the cancan with Jack.
Posted by Gayle Feyrer | June 4, 2010, 4:14 pmOoooh, I love this. Perfect imagery!
Posted by Chassily Wakefield | June 4, 2010, 6:48 pmHi CJ
Holy crap! I thought I was going to miss this one today – but I did remember before I left this morning to remind my CP to be here – and she is – so that should count for something, right?
Awesome pitches – I’ll have to spend more time going over all of them again.
I’m pitching a paranormal romance titled: LOVE OF A LIFETIME. Rianna has a choice. She can share her life, give up half her soul to the man she loves, or she can live her every lifetime without him.
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | June 4, 2010, 2:54 pmHowdy, CP!
I’m glad you made it.
Now that I’m looking at this again, I wonder if the sentence at the beginning of your synopsis had more oomph for a quickie hook-line style pitch?
Two people share the same soul – the one who knows why is forbidden to speak of it.
Posted by Jami G | June 4, 2010, 3:42 pmGood, Murphy!
A little wordy but very evocative. Is Rianna a mortal or someone special (paranormal creature of some kind)? If so maybe, a “mermaid” must choose between giving up half her soul to a mortal she loves or to live lifetimes without him.
Still clunky, but see how an specific noun is more powerful than a name of a character we haven’t met yet?
Good work!
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 3:35 pmHi CJ,
The heroine is mortal – so drat! No luck with a fancy substitution there. And, as far as the hero’s possible substitution noun? I’ll have to think about that. I like where you’ve put down the choose between part, but ‘to live lifetimes without him’, isn’t saying the same thing as: her every lifetime without him.
Hmm…thinking *insert jeopardy theme song here* Nope. I got nothing. Too bad she wasn’t a mermaid – it would’ve made the fix soooo much easier. Hey, wait a minute. Maybe I could do: ‘the immortal man she loves’ – that way the every lifetime line would be tied in. That might work.
Murphy
Posted by Murphy | June 4, 2010, 4:11 pmHi, this is great. Thank you. I’ve just begun to play around the pitch for this story.
I’m pitching a short contemporary titled Clear As Day.
She’s a wary free-spirit who’s sworn off love. He’s done with holding back his heart. What’s a girl to do when her summer lover wants forever?
Posted by Babette James | June 4, 2010, 4:28 pmBabette,
This is perfect for a query letter blurb, start of a snyopsis or even back cover copy when you sell!
A bit wordy for a pitch, but great premise!
Good job,
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 5:06 pmHi CJ!
I’m not ready to pitch but here’s my go at it..
Ugly Betty meets The Bachelor.
or….
A diner waitress lands a dream job with an extra perk, her dream man.
Loved reading everyone’s pitches, comments and suggestions!
Posted by jennifer tanner | June 4, 2010, 5:45 pmJennifer,
I like your second one–it had spunk and vibe!
Nice job,
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 6:00 pmWow. Thanks, CJ….now maintaining spunk and vibe on every page is like shoving an elephant through a cat door.
Posted by jennifer tanner | June 4, 2010, 6:05 pmHi, CJ! Thanks so much for working on our pitches, this is awesome. I’ve found the examples above very instructive! I see several books I want to read already.
I’ll try a comparison pitch first – this is for a mythic romantic fantasy (untitled)
“Count Dracula meets King Arthur.”
The problem is my villain’s not actually a vampire (more vampiric flavor to his villainy) and my protagonist is female, but not a Guinevere. Does that still work? I chose King Arthur for the royal aspect, the timeframe and the association with magic.
Hook line: A wish for eternal love requires eternal sacrifice.
High concept: A Healer accidentally immortalizes herself and her worst enemy.
Thanks so much!
Posted by Chassily Wakefield | June 4, 2010, 6:45 pmHey Chassily!
For me, the last line works best at both evoking emotion and giving me the vibe of the story. The hook line could apply to almost any romance (or at least any paranormal romance ) and the comparison doesn’t seem like it gives the same feeling as your last pitch.
Sounds like a cool premise!
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 4, 2010, 6:56 pmAwesome, thanks, CJ!!
Posted by Chassily Wakefield | June 4, 2010, 6:57 pmI agree with CJ, definitely go with your high concept line. That really gets the situation/dilemma across.
Posted by Jami G | June 4, 2010, 9:49 pmWow, what an amazing day! Thanks to CJ and everyone who participated in our first-ever Pitch-O-Rama!!!
Good luck with your pitches at Nationals. Please let us know how it goes!
Tracey
Posted by TraceyDevlyn | June 4, 2010, 8:11 pmWay late here, but I do have the Hollywood kind.
Mine is a Contemp called PLAYING FOR KEEPS.
Bull Durham meets Pride & Prejudice.
Posted by Terri Osburn | June 4, 2010, 9:42 pmHi Terri! Thanks for joining us!
I love both Bull Durham and Pride and Prejudice, but I’m having a hard time seeing this….or feeling it. Maybe because I always thought Bull Durham WAS a contemp Pride and Prejudice, in a way
Bull Durham is a bit dated as well–is there a more current movie you might use for a young (oh-so-young–seems like they get younger everyday!) agent or editor you might be pitching to?
There’s nothing worse than pitching and getting a blank stare of incomprehension in return, so I just want you prepared!!!
CJ
Posted by CJ Lyons | June 5, 2010, 7:40 amThanks for commenting, CJ. I was never sure I’d actually use this one. Are they really that young? LOL! Who doesn’t know Bull Durham?! That speech. *sigh*
Posted by Terri Osburn | June 5, 2010, 10:23 am