Final Chapter: Are Men Capable of Love?
Welcome to Anatomy of the Male Mind! Our guest today is Australian writer John Warwick Arden. John has spent the last four months with us exploring the topic of love. Are men capable of it? John’s journey with RU ends today. Let’s see what he decided.
Good day, John!
It has been some journey- from my first instalment on whether I am ‘capable of love’ or not- to this final chapter.
In that time, I have devoted most of my allotted space to the reasons why I even ask this question- if you will, the back story.
I could even be accused of using my past as an excuse for being incapable of love, but everyone knows that is garbage.
We all have a choice in life as to who we want to be; the past trauma is an excuse, certainly, but by no means a justification for failure to behave in a giving, loving way.
I have ruminated on the definition of love to a great degree, and have failed in defining it to my satisfaction.
Another thing I have failed to do is be truthful.
In my desire to not only make a firm stand on the question at hand- that I am in fact ‘incapable of love’ (almost as if I had this conclusion firmly in mind right from the start- more out of affectation than in deference to my beloved friend ‘truth’)- it seems clear that I have been lining up all sorts of evidence to back up this foregone conclusion; everything from my upbringing, my socialisation, even my own sense of what it is to be a man- which in the popular idiom, would support a departure from any kind of loving conduct.
But what I have failed to do most spectacularly of all, is face the core truth not only on my position with regard to my ability or otherwise to love, but the actual reason for this confusion.
For a variety of reasons- partly in my pursuit of what seems more to be a good story than anything like the truth, I have completely omitted my own treatment at the hands of women.
In my desire to be a better man- and in an accompanying desire to accept whole heartedly the notion that women hold the key to my redemption- I had, in a bizarre revisionism of history, committed the crime of putting women on a pedestal.
Gripping tightly like a drowning swimmer to the notion that I am ‘bad’, most ‘men are bad’, and hence largely incapable of love, I seem to have fallen into the common trap amongst men desirous of some kind of healing and reconciliation with themselves and the opposite sex, of idolising women to the point of canonisation- and in the process avoiding the truth with even more audacity than when I claimed to be beyond reproach.
In my zest to idolise women to such a degree that it be almost surreal, I had forgotten the number of times I have been hurt, and abandoned by women.
It took the recent incursion into my life of an old flame- one who left me ten years ago without explanation- to remind me that I had been hurt.
And hurt many times.
And that that hurt had turned me into something unloving.
And over the years, the ways in which I had been hurt, brought me to a place where I found myself almost subconsciously taking my revenge out on women for the way they had treated me.
Not pleasant, but then neither are lies.
Neither is the place I find myself now, labouring under the mythology that ‘men are to blame’, and women pure and beyond reproach.
Persuasive mythology, yes; popular, yes. A good way to pick up women, yes.
Anything but the truth.
My cold heart, and my inability to love, was due to something much more significant than my upbringing.
I survived an abusive childhood- so have many- and I like them still wanted to love, and be loved.
I was then, for many years, lost in a wilderness for a variety of reasons, and infuriatingly through no fault of my own, hurt and abandoned by women in my life.
No reason.
I wanted to find reasons.
The human being needs reasons.
I wanted to believe it was my fault, as this was the prevailing most convincing mythology, given my oppressive up bringing and my education in the Catholic Church, where guilt is an industry- but none of this had any basis in fact.
The fact remains, this poor fortune was not able to be explained away by anything as convenient as a neat reason, but I did it anyway.
Rather than accepting that people just simply hurt others, I had to fit it into a more convincing mythos- that it was all my fault, and I was a bastard.
Mainly because this mythos helped me preserve my masculine integrity.
Over time, in response to my poor fortune with women, I began to harden myself, and take my revenge by being unloving.
This was not only a disservice to them, but to me.
What strikes me as odd is not that I transformed this way, but that I effectively rewrote history, in order to suggest that women are in fact unblemished.
That men- I- are the bastards, and this needs to change.
Why did I do this?
Was it some attempt to preserve my dignity- not let it out how hurt I had become by women, or had allowed them to hurt me- this ensuring the perpetuating of the prevailing myth, that only women can hurt men?
Funny how one can be trapped to such a degree for such a length of time, until one is no longer certain of what is true.
Am I capable of love??
I have no idea.
The question is, does it matter? Does anyone really care?
Given the criticism I have endured since I began this process of self examination from both sexes, I can only assume it does matter- even if it only be a means of other people promoting their own agenda, one way or the other.
Even yesterday, I had a snide comment from a woman in response to one of my regular postings which have become a habit, in my quest to live a life worth living- an examined one. So I can only assume my development does matter- whether the response is negative or positive.
For there are positive responses, too; given the enormous support I have also been afforded by both sexes, I can again only assume that this matters still.
I think truth matters; and somehow, my own quest to peel back the layers of preferred mythology and self delusion to get at the core truth, has pricked the curiosity of others.
Perhaps they too are on a similar quest.
Why it matters is not for me to say- only those people both sides of the fence could answer such a question- and any reason I might have would only be speculation.
It is enough to ask whether I can love, without exploring the theoretical reasons for doing so.
Or perhaps one cannot seek the answer to one without also answering the other.
Who would know?
But for now, I have to believe that it matters; that this matters.
This quest for not only love, but the definitive answer to whether I can or not love.
It is as good a quest as any; and it affords my life some meaning.
I am reminded of the words spoken by Blair Brown to Ed Harris in a film I watched yesterday afternoon while taking a break from writing this piece; she said to him,
“You know…one thing I’ve learned, is that you have to believe it all makes sense somehow, otherwise you hate everything, and everybody.”
Let me just say this; I might not know love, or if I am capable of it, but I do NOT want to hate, ever again.
Hate kills.
And I DO NOT want to sit on the fence; that is worse than hating.
Which means, I must want to love.
So for me, it matters.
Right now, it matters.
If that is the case, then I will need to find the real me.
I need to continue to peel back the mythology, layer by layer, built up over time to protect me from the slings and arrows of broken relationships and hearts torn asunder, in order to find the real me.
And that cannot be done in one blog.
Or even a series of blogs.
I began this series as a means of answering the question as to whether we are capable of love or not.
And I commenced the series- and followed it through- with all the aplomb of a writer who has all the answers, and a tidy ending.
The fact is, I discarded the original ending, and inserted this one instead.
Trouble is, I am not certain it does not pose more questions than answers for me at this point.
But that is my problem, not yours.
The one virtue being, in this whole process, that this instalment feels closer to the truth than any other.
How do I know that?
Because it hurts.
I had the mythology conveniently wrapped up; that I had been a bastard in my life, because my father was a bastard. And hence, I am incapable of love.
I am still left with the question of whether I can love or not, but also the revelation that I had been hiding the real reasons all this time.
I had been lying to myself.
To you.
Still after all this time.
And I have no idea I am even doing it.
Can I love?
Good question.
The real question is, can I handle the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
It seems to me, unless I can answer this more urgent, pressing question, then I can never hope to answer any others.
***
Thanks, John!
RU Students, what did you learn from John’s journey? How would you define love?
Be sure to stop back by tomorrow for Jeannie Ruesch’s special lecture on web site content for the newly pubbed.
John’s Bio:
John’s been a farmer, librarian, and a police officer for ten years with a Chief Commissioner’s commendation for community service. He’s currently a writer with one film credit, and one in production. John’s working on a series of three books on the masculine perspective of love, truth, relationships, etc. He loves literature, film, art, music, animals and has not given up hope that people will one day work it all out…
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John,
You are capable of love and I’ve seen it personally so I don’t believe otherwise. It may have been a while ago but as I am the “recent incursion into my life of an old flame” I think I have something to contribute here.
To everyone else please note this is not my preferred method of contact and I’m not a blogger or a writer in any sense of the word so I apologise if I offend, it is not one of my talents. I prefer to be more private but since John chooses this method I feel this is the right forum.
I am one of those women that John has put on a pedestal. I am a good person however just failed to realise what I had in my hands at the time. Due to youth, naivity and other reasons I failed to show John how I felt and what he contributed to my life.
Yes John you are correct you are not a bastard, yes you have been through so much from your abusive childhood, the failure of the Catholic Church and everything else since then. It does have an impact but does not mean you are not capable of love.
Women are not perfect and nor are men. We choose our behaviour that much is true. But we are all human and when it comes to love its not always pretty and not always simple. When we get hurt we react its just natural and the way it is.
As for the criticism of others, they can think what they think, there is nothing wrong with examining ones life, if one doesn’t do so every so often I think one is in denial.
You do not have to sit on the fence, you have options and you know that.
I think you do want to love. It does matter.
You have obviously changed your ending since our contact and although you say it does pose more questions than answers for you at this point I think you are stepping in the right direction.
I am glad you feel you are going closer to the truth. Its not easy and there is some hurt but with that comes hope and new beginnings!
You haven’t been lying you just didn’t know what was in front of you.
You can handle the truth and you will no matter what the outcome. You are stronger than you realise.
I’m not sure how you are going to take this me commenting on your blog but truth is its worth it and if it causes me public humiliation then so be it! I love this man and if he rejects me so be it! Give me a second chance John Arden you know we have chemistry and more and you know it deserves more consideration.
As for the rest of you girls if he knocks me back you should give it a try, I have never felt so loved than I did with this man, I just screwed up, plain and simple thats how it is.
Contact me John….
Cathy
Good for you Cathy for having the courage to post your feelings. It couldn’t have been easy. Whatever John decides, be proud of yourself that you went after what it was you desired. And I agree with you that love isn’t always pretty or simple. For me, the not-so-pretty times make the love stronger.
John, thank you for these thought-provoking posts. I wish you the best on your search for love.
.
Hi John,
Thanks for taking this journey with RU. I’ve enjoyed working with you on these posts.
My assessment is that, yes, you’re capable of love. You have loved, but you’ve also been hurt.
Give it time…or a chance.
Tracey
Morning John…
Thanks for the great post! Very thought provoking….and wonderfully well written!
carrie
Good Morning John and RU Crew,
I might be way off base here. But I think we are all capable of love.
It is the question of do we WANT love? Why maybe people dont want it… fear, fear of being hurt, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of being exposed. Just plain fear.
Some will say if you have to work at it then its not love. I dont believe that, I think we have to work hard at giving and taking love. Is it worth it. Oh very much so!
John, I think love is knocking at your door, you have the choice to open it, embrace it and enjoy it or leave it closed and wonder “what if”.
Thank for the insperational thoughts! No matter what you think or believe, you are an amazing, talented and caring man to share your thoughts this way! Best of luck on your adventures in love!
Oh, Jane! You put my thoughts in your words. As I read John’s post today, I thought the same thing – that we’re all capable of love (barring sociopaths, perhaps), but are we all willing to risk ourselves for it?
John – I’m wishing you the best. Perhaps you’ll embrace a second chance at love or you’ll embark on a first chance at love journey. Regardless, I hope you come to realize that we’re all deserving of love.
Best,
Kelsey
Thank you for your comments.
I watched a film on the weekend called ‘Sun Valley’, about a warrior- a wrathchild- who has spent 20 years wandering the earth, seeking vengeance against a man who wronged him.
Tired of his journey, he comes to settle in a little inn on the silk road, and wait for the object of his hatred & anger.
Whilst there, his anger and vengeful lust abates, and he allows himself to fall in love with the gorgeous inn keeper.
I have realised, for such a long time, that I have lived with hatred and anger for far too long.
I know now that I am ready to let go of hate, and allow myself to step fully into love- the love that was always there, waiting for me.
I will now let go of the hate I have held in my heart, and in a short time I will be united with the one I truly love, & I know loves me.
This has been such a healing process for me, and although it is not the blog a sensible person would write- planned & executed in advance- it IS an honest account of a man living, and learning.
The best sort of university, I think.
I will continue to keep a diary of my journey with my loved one, & might even post it down the track if I feel it has anything to offer anyone else.
Thank you again for allowing me to heal; I always maintained that women DO want the best for us, provided we tap into our feelings, emotions & truths that so many men have allowed to become buried, and learn to communicate them to a place of healing.
I can only commend the process, albeit a painful one.
But we grow at the painful places, do we not?
John,
Thank you so much for spending time with us. It’s been an awesome journey. Good luck and may you find the truest happiness.
Tracey
This writing is all so thrilling (thankfully I am neither Cathy or you John otherwise it could be quite a strain on my heartstrings).
First off I would like to commend Cathy on her first attempt at blogging – very well done my dear! You might have a talent for this style of forum. I might suggest though that you accept your decision from the past and not regret it – you made the decision at the time based on your feelings and the situation at the time – this is what life is about!
Secondly, John you seem to have used smoke and mirrors to avoid replying on the blog from Cathy. I found it hard to work out whether she was the “innkeeper” or the “object of your hurt and anger” or maybe even neither of those two options – especially when you never addressed her directly with your replies.
Are you replying to her personally to answer her questions above or will we have another installment? She seems to have put it all on the line for you and if you are really trying to become a better person, one way to do that would be to give her some answers (either via this blog or to her directly). Just because you have been hurt in the past I dont think that it is fair or just to lead other people on or make their life any harder than what it has to be!
If she is the object of your “hurt and anger” does that mean you are now progressing on with a relationship with the “innkeeper” and if so I hope you can give all your honesty to that relationship as that is the basis of all relationships. If that is the case (that you are moving on with the “innkeeper”) I would suggest in keeping with you evolving that you let the “object of your hurt and anger” know that you have released the anger to them or if it is Cathy let her know where she stands.
I have an empathy with her having been in the same situation myself afew times throughout the years. I think alot of “dramas” in relationships can be avoided if there is honesty from the get go!
Give us your thoughts….
Jasmine
Dear Jasmine,
Thank you for your thoughts.
I have addressed all these issues privately; I have embraced love in my life, and that was the object of my blogs.
I did not realise this was the object when I started- I assumed I was incabable of love, as I have said.
I have had a number of emails- and even a few phone calls- asking me about my decisions. When you blog in the manner I do, you have to accept that it is no longer your own life and business, but a shared adventure.
I have learned to be humbled and honoured by the interest my journey has attracted. I seem to be touching on common theme and anxieties- not to mention pain- and to my mind, I have not even touched the surface of my work yet. I have 600 written pages on my hard drive dealing with this subject in all it’s permutations, much of which will never see the light of day.
But I have shone a tiny light here with my little torch of the heart, if only for a brief moment.
Life is seldom as simple as a TV serial; you might think I seem cold and methodical, but the truth is, I am terrified most of the time- especially when I write here.
I feel like I am doing something ‘bad’- “KEEP IT TO YOURSELF” my dad used to say.
Of course my Dad slowly went mad with his misanthropy and misogyny.
I will not go there; so whatever he advised me as a child, I usually do the exact opposite.
I try to tell it like it is, even – nay especially- when I am terrified.
And the truth- such as it is- is usually more interesting than the TV.
At least for me.
As I stated, I still have a long way to go, and the resolution to this journey will be recorded- but might not be made public. I would be happy to track my progress here, but that is of course up to Tracey.
Although I do feel I have had a generous say; and am not a fan of ‘hogging the spotlight’ beyond the length of my stay.
My next priority is to leave the clean waters of Australia, and help with the clean up operations in Louisiana. When caught up in one’s own drama- there is little, in my experience, that is more healing than thinking about others. Other people suffering the oil spill- and all the little animals choking in this black poison we have allowed to spill.
Helping others is the best heart balm I know.
While there, I hope to learn more about loving myself, as I try to love the world we have collectively destroyed over the years…
And perhaps even learn to love others better.
And allow them to love me.
Hope springs eternal.
Tracey has been more than generous with her time and resources here; more than she had to. Much more than she asked for.
I would not like to push my luck…
But Cathy made her side of the story public- and it might (nay, will) be far more interesting than mine.
She might like to write a blog.
For me, for now, my work here is done.
My best wishes to all of you…and thanks for your healing presence.
J
Thank you Adrienne & Jasmine for your kind words.
I will contact John privately as my romantic gesture here has obviously offended him as he continues to ignore me. So I will make one final contact with him privately to say goodbye then let him go out of my life as I can only assume this is what he has chosen.
There will be no blog or further comment from me. I made my comments here as a once off out of love for John. I have been nothing but loving and truthful so I have no regrets.
p.s. wishing you all much success, love and happiness
I am shocked to read above message from Cathy, saying that John has ignored her when John had said above in his last blog that he had contacted her privately. I certainly hope that doesn’t mean his whole blog is a pack of lies??
In saying that, if it is just lies and bullcrap – it might explain why he has had no luck in his love life and the flow on effects will spill out in to his day to day life too which will be very unfortunate but just a result of being full of untruths..
Cathy, you have a lot of courage and dignity – you go girl – best of luck to you and Im sure real love will find you before you know it!!
I know I said I would not post again and I promise this will be the last. I now know I made a mistake posting here in the first place. I have misunderstood John, as he has me and this was not the time or the place to discuss our situation. I will not comment publicly on our interaction again. My apologies to John, and I hope there are no further comments about my posts as anything further to say about my comments should be between John and I. I will leave you all to your writing in peace. Sorry Tracey for all the drama……love does funny things to the heart and head!