We’re delighted to have psychotherapist Dr. Debra Holland join us once again. Last year, she briefed us on the ever-intriguing bad boy. Today, she’s here to talk with about making the impossible possible: Understanding Men.
Welcome, Dr. Debra!
A few days ago, I received a newsletter from my publicist, Annie Jennings, where she wrote of an incident she’d recently observed. She was at a bagel shop, and she saw a woman, laden with food and coffee, walk out the door behind a man. He didn’t notice her, and she ended up becoming squashed as the door closed on her. The man continued on, oblivious.
Annie freed the woman and watched as she scurried after the man. In Annie’s words, “She was gaining on him, little by little, but he did not notice. She could have been hit by a car right behind him, and he would not notice. I was horrified when I realized he was her husband.”
After I read the newsletter, I continued to think about the story. For one thing, it made me thankful to have a boyfriend who’s a gentleman. Don would never squash me in the door. Instead, he’d hold it open for me. But he can still have those male moments, one of which occurred a few hours after I read Annie’s newsletter when we attended church.
As the service concluded, our beautiful, world-class pianist played “On the Wings of Love.” I started to leave, but Don, instead of following me like usual, stood watching the piano. I could see he was enraptured by the music.
Don walked toward the piano as if mesmerized, leaving me waiting at the pew. He never glanced behind him to see what I was doing. I stood there for a few seconds, remembering Annie’s story and feeling amused that a harmless and mild version of that woman’s experience was now happening to me. I sat down in our pew to wait until the spell ended.
These two examples illustrate something about the male brain that women don’t understand and often take personally: The corpus callosum (the bundle of fibers that link the left and right brain hemispheres) is thinner in the male brain by about 10%, with as much as 30% fewer connections. A man has a harder time crossing his brain hemispheres. This means LESS information is exchanged between the two sides. However, this gives him GREATER ability to focus on a specific task, often to the exclusion of everything not relevant to him at the time.
Therefore, male brains are organized for monotracking. Men have difficulty concentrating on more than one thing at a time. For example, a brain scan while a man is reading or at the computer will show he’s mostly deaf.
A woman, with her thicker corpus callosum, has the physical ability to connect and relate large pieces of information. This allows her to see the “big picture” and remember more details. Therefore she’s good at multitasking. (She wouldn’t leave her husband trapped in the door.)
As for Don and I, if the situation were reversed, I probably would have said something to him before wandering over to the piano: “This is my favorite song. Please, wait a minute.” Or “I want to hear this. I’ll meet you outside.”
While this excuses Don becoming beguiled by the music and forgetting me, it doesn’t excuse the man who left his wife trapped in the door. I’ll bet he’s probably a man who often forgets his wife, not showing her the gentlemanly courtesy and attention she deserves. And perhaps her self-esteem is so low, she doesn’t realize she deserves better.
Thinking about Annie’s story also made me remember a man I’d briefly dated. Mike was a nice, attractive, intelligent man. But he also had a very male-focused brain.
On one of our first dates, we attended a Bruce Springsteen concert. As we walked through the crowded parking lot, threading through the cars, he kept striding away from me. I was tempted to stop walking and see how long it would take before he realized I wasn’t behind him. Even through, I knew what was happening wasn’t about me, but about his male focus on getting us into the concert hall, I couldn’t help becoming a little frustrated. I finally grabbed his hand, so we could stay together. Not a romantic start to the evening.
So, what does this mean for your romance hero? If you’re writing romance, you don’t want a man who loses his focus on the heroine. That means if he’s watching his favorite football team play a championship game, between plays, thoughts of her still need to creep into his mind. (And not just when he wants her to fetch him a beer or he’s watching the cheerleaders bounce around.) This is probably why we don’t see a lot of sport game scenes in romances.
On the other hand, your hero needs to have that male focus when it’s necessary and realistic for the story. For example, I’m often frustrated by books and movies where the hero stops to TALK in the middle of the action, especially if the scene is supposed to be suspenseful. If he’s trying to keep them safe, that will be his focus, not stopping to romance her.
And make sure that no matter how rough-hewn your hero or how tough your heroine, you show the reader that he treats her in a way that shows she’s special to him.
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If you want to learn more about men, sign up for my August online class, Understanding Men.
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So RU crew, what questions do you have for Dr. Debra today? And do you believe women can ever truly understand men and vice versa?
Due to the late post, we’re going to give away one of our RU leather pocket jotters to a random commenter. Thanks for your patience!
Be sure to stop by Friday when Laurie Schnebly will be here to talk about the personality ladder. Sounds like some good character development help!
Dr. Holland holds a master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Child Therapy, and holds a PhD in Counseling Psychology from the University of Southern California, and is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She has twenty-one years of experience counseling with individuals, couples, and groups.
Dr. Holland is a popular psychotherapist, consultant, and speaker on the topics of communication difficulties, relationships, stress, and dealing with difficult people. She is a featured expert for the media, and does entertainment consulting.
Kelsey's serving up bite-sized morsels for your noggin on her new 
Morning Dr. Debra!
Thanks for being here with us today. I totally agree about the man being single focused…my mom often swears the house could burn down around my father when he’s on the computer, and he’d never notice unless it interrupted his connection! =)
Thanks for the great post!
carrie
Posted by Carrie Spencer | June 23, 2010, 8:56 amThank you, Dr. Debra!
Sometimes we need reminding that men think differently than women. When we remember this we’re less likely to be upset by their actions. Although, if my husband were to allow a door to slam on me while I was carrying packages, he’d get an ear full! I’m happy to say, in all the years we’ve been together, this has never happened. Although he does tend to walk ahead of me at the mall or when we’re going someplace!
Posted by Wendy Marcus | June 23, 2010, 9:08 amI’ve heard that after a while our voices become like white noise to the men in our lives, and they only filter in words like “ice cream,” “sex,” etc. My husband loves it when I don’t listen to what he says, because then he can say, “You don’t listen to me.”
Good to know about the corpus callosum. So maybe I don’t have a bit of adult ADHD. It’s just the way the female brain works.
Posted by Edie Ramer | June 23, 2010, 9:19 amDr. Debra -
The brain differences in men and women are fascinating–especially when the brain function is translated into action. Could you suggest resources (in addition to your class) where our readers could obtain more information on these differences, preferably written in layman’s terms
.
Thanks!
Kelsey
Posted by Kelsey Browning | June 23, 2010, 9:24 amEdie…lol….I’ve always thought that myself…like a dog that will listen to all of your problems, but mention milk bone or outside and perk! up goes the ears! lol…
carrie
Posted by Carrie Spencer | June 23, 2010, 2:53 pmSuch great information! It totally makes sense. I’ve also heard it described as if men have several rooms in their brain that they can shut off from the others. They can focus, ignore, and become immersed in one thing, being completely oblivious to what’s going on in the other rooms. Whereas women have one big room, with each thing affecting the other.
These brain differences are really fascinating. Sure explains a lot!
Posted by Laurie London | June 23, 2010, 3:43 pmMy whole life I have been outnumbered by men: too many brothers, cousins, uncles, even neighbors. I learned early, when sports were on tv, I had the house to myself. No on spoke to me or looked for me. The boyfriend who became my husband made reservations, opened my car door, and never got between me and chocolate. My advise is never settle. He’s out there somewhere.
Posted by Mary Jo Burke | June 23, 2010, 4:40 pmLaurie -
I’ve heard that explanation for men’s brains as well and it makes their behavior so much more understandable (but not necessarily less maddening – LOL).
Am I the only woman who’s wished she could spend 24 hours as a man just so she could dig around in their brains?
K-
Posted by Kelsey Browning | June 23, 2010, 9:02 pmGood one, Kelsey!
Posted by Laurie London | June 23, 2010, 11:54 pmMakes sense! If I’m on the phone to my husband, he literally doesn’t hear when I try to interrupt him or talk across him – must be ‘deaf’ at that point!
Posted by Alison | June 24, 2010, 3:47 amCongratulations on winning the jotter Wendy! woooot!!!
=)
Posted by Carrie Spencer | June 24, 2010, 9:37 amSometimes it’s fun to mess with them too…. occasionally I’ll leave the house in the middle of a hockey game and when it’s over and he ‘comes to’, he wonders when I left and if that means I’m bringing dinner home!
and he loves it when we go to a restaruant because on the drive home I fill him in on all the going’s on, from spousal fights to the couple who I’m pretty sure are someone else’s spouses etc. He’s just blown away that I can keep track of all the conversations around me.
Hopefully he never finds out that it’s a physical diference and I’m not just the brightest bulb in the room!
Posted by kathy bremner | June 24, 2010, 5:07 pmYES! and could we do this on a long drive so that I can drink all the liquids I like because peeing can be done virtually anywhere?
Must say, on a trip through the mountains, I once nearly drove off the road laughing when I came around a big bend and some guy was roadside, probably writing in the snow and the steam was billowing!
Posted by kathy bremner | June 24, 2010, 5:12 pm
Posted by kathy bremner | June 24, 2010, 5:14 pmOh Kathy, that’s a riot – the guy peeing in the snow. Since I was raised a country girl, I learned the talent of peeing in the woods, but I always envied the fact that guys never have to worry about poison ivy on the patootie!
K-
Posted by Kelsey Browning | June 24, 2010, 8:39 pmHey, everyone, thanks for your comments. I was unexpectedly away from the computer yesterday and most of today, but now I’m back.
The more you know about the male/female brain differences, the better you understand the men in your life–a definite plus to improving your relationships and your writing!
I have a long book list I give my class, Kelsey, but for easy reading/layman’s terms, I’d go with Barbara and Allan Pease. They’ve written several books, all of which are interesting and fun to read.
Posted by Dr. Debra | June 24, 2010, 11:32 pm