Urban Fantasy author C.J. Redwine is back for another installment of our ever-popular Query Writing 101.  This month, C.J. has chosen a letter from Jennie Bryant . Thanks to C.J. and Jennie! Readers, feel free to post questions for C.J.

Dear Ms. Agent or Editor:

Before I dive into the query itself, I’m going to address the length. This clocks in at just over a page and a half. You have one page MAX. You’re going to need to do some serious tightening to whip this into shape. You need one paragraph setting up Sarah’s character, situation, and goals. One doing the same for Max. One revealing the stakes of the story and what the two must choose/do/overcome and the consequences for failure. And one very streamlined paragraph delivering the mss title, genre, wordcount, any writing credentials you have, and one pithy sentence explaining why you’re querying this agency. (If you want to. That is totally optional.) I’m going to help you cut, cut, cut. Ready? Deep breath. Here we go.
 
Thank you for accepting my manuscript sample and giving me a shot at my dream, to become a published writer. It’s a dream that captured me when I picked up my first romance novel many years ago. (All of this can go. They know it’s your dream or you wouldn’t be querying. Use the space for hooking them on your story.) Your agency represents many great, reputable and diverse works that I admire.I think you will enjoy my book, Love and Honor, a contemporary romance between a divorced mom whose life and love faces continuous threats from her past, and the honorable Air Force pilot who struggles to protect her by her side and from abroad. The manuscript is complete at 90,000 words. We can totally streamline this. For example: “LOVE AND HONOR is a contemporary romance complete at 90,000 words. I admire many of the books you represent and feel my novel would be a good fit for your list. Thank you for your time.” I suggest you move this to the end of your query and hook them on your story first. Also, admiring many of the books on their list is a pretty vague reason to query. I’d either mention something specific about the agent, or mention a couple of books that are within your genre that they represent, or leave that part out and slide your writing credentials into that space instead.

So many women dare to fall in love with the man of their dreams, only to have that dream shatter into a nightmare of physical and mental abuse. This whole paragraph needs to go. We don’t care about so many women. We care about Sarah. Let us know in her paragraph that she’s fought hard to survive and be successful in the aftermath of an abusive marriage and that will be good enough.

Sarah is one of the survivors. A thirty-three year old divorcee, she has fought for and found success in the aftermath of her own nightmare. And that success has let her build a new home and a new future for her and her daughter in the small town of Lexington, Michigan for nearly five years. However, her nightmarish past has
left her in a shell, quiet, insecure. And while single life has seemingly suited her just fine, her heart lives in a fantasy world where the “knight in shining armor” still exists. Love the last sentence. I think you can streamline the rest and make it flow better. I’d suggest you carefully read aloud your paragraphs and listen for when your punctuation choices aren’t quite giving you the rhythm you want, or when your sentences feel a bit awkward. Here’s a streamlined version of your own words:

Sarah is a survivor. At thirty-three, she’s fought for and found success in the aftermath of life with an abusive husband. Now, all she wants is to build a new future for herself and her daughter in the small town of Lexington, Michigan. Her nightmarish past, however, has left formerly confident Sarah huddled in a shell of insecurity. She pretends single life suits her just fine, but her heart lives in a fantasy world where her knight in shining armor still exists.

Use what works. Toss the rest. J

Max is a devastatingly handsome man. Of course he is. This is a romance novel. J We don’t care that he’s handsome. We care what kind of man he is. I’d avoid this cliché and give us a connection with him as a person instead.  He has(He’s … using contractions gives you a more contemporary sounding voice.) made a career out of serving his country as an Air Force fighter pilot, learning the old school ideals of hard work, chivalry, integrity, and honor along the way. That old fashioned manliness (Manliness feels like the wrong word to me. Sounds very physical, appearance/strength driven etc. That may be just me.)  blends well with a penchant for charm, wit and romance. It is (It’s) a miracle he hasn’t been caught sooner. Actually, instead of the “it’s a miracle he hasn’t been caught sooner,” let’s do a quick sentence putting him and Sarah together and causing Max to unexpectedly fall head over heels. Then your last paragraph can cover the threat to Sarah, and their response.

Call it fate, clumsiness, or just dumb luck, Sarah’s and Max’s paths keep crossing. Sometimes they cross in an hour of need. Other times they cross in the most peculiar and humorous of ways. Whichever the case, there is a magic drawing these two together that neither can deny. But like all magic, there will always be those who try to ruin the trick. Just do one sentence at the end of the previous paragraph putting these two together and having them fall in love. You don’t need the rest of this.

Sarah’s ex husband Jeff is a man of power and prestige. In his mind, the divorce from Sarah was nothing more than legality. Sarah is still his and always will be. So when Max enters the picture, Jeff reminds Sarah who she belongs to in a terrible way. The jealousy becomes even more dark and sinister when Jeff teams with Max’s divisive sister, Amber, in a fight for family inheritance. What should have been a picture perfect love story has turned into a battle to keep the love alive.  This needs some pruning too. I’d suggest one sentence about Max and Sarah barely beginning their journey towards true love when Sarah’s possessive ex attacks her. Then continue with something like “Jeff isn’t the only one who’ll stop at nothing to cause this relationship to fail.” And finish with something like “With their picture perfect love story turned into a battle to keep love alive, will Max and Sarah defeat those who threaten them and prove once and for all that true love conquers all?” Or whatever actually works for you.

I am a active member of Romance Writers of America and Dallas Area Romance Authors. I have written for a local area website called Today on The Bay,as (missing a space after that comma) an art and entertainment reporter.  I’d use this in place of the “I’m querying you because you rep diverse books” stuff.

I’d be glade (glad) to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration and I look forward to hearing from you. No need to say you’d be glad to send your mss. She knows. J Save the space and just thank her for her time.

Sincerely,

Jennie Bryant

***

Jennie, thank you again for allowing us to use your letter. Let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you. 

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday for Anatomy of the Male Mind.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. She has just a few spaces left in her July Query Workshop. To learn more, go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com.

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