Posted On July 14, 2010 by Print This Post

Wayne Wednesday: Men’s Fantasies

RU crew, we’re starting today’s lecture with a warning: You are entering the man zone. As we know, the man zone’s not always pretty or palatable, kind of like those nasty gym socks you find peeking out from beneath the bed. You can’t stand to pick them up with your bare hands, yet you can’t ignore them either.  

Wayne Levine chatted with some men about a very sensitive topic, whether or not they fantasize about other women while they’re intimate with their significant others. If you’re easily offended by

either the truth or crude language, today’s lecture may not be for you. However, for me the topic is like a train wreck—wrenching—yet I’m absolutely unable to look away.

Here’s Wayne…

This month I’m playing the role of middleman. Adrienne asked some male friends whether they fantasized about other women during sex. Being the bright men that they are, they either: refused to answer, danced as fast as they could, or benefited from some well-timed distractions or natural disasters.

And so, the RU ladies came to me. That’s my business. You come to me for the hard-to-get stuff, the info others haven’t the cojones to handle. This job takes real men…and real confidentiality.

Now, I have a wife. She can read. Though she’s not so interested in following my every word—after almost 30 years—with my luck, she’d read this. So I’ll just moderate this one.

I posed the question to the men of our BetterMen Community.  Below you’ll find their responses. Perhaps next month we can find out whether you women fake orgasm with your significant other. And if so, when and why?

Men, it’s all yours:

The question: Have you fantasized about other women while having sex with your wife or significant other? Tell us what or who you fantasized about and why. Also, do you have any feelings, positive/negative/neutral about having done so?

Man #1: I always fantasize about another sexy women while having sex with my wife. She could be a girlfriend, or her girlfriend, or just someone that I had recently come in contact with. Could just be a 30-second chat at the grocery store.

Anyways, we had a few sessions with a Pilates instructor who she [my wife] knows and we discussed wanting to have a threesome with her, but never did.  However, I’ve had plenty of fantasies about it while we’re doing what we do.

Man #2: This is an easy one!
 
After having sex with the same woman for a while, it’s the fantasy of that hot chick that you saw earlier that day or week that keeps us going, especially while getting a blowjob!
 
I believe men weren’t built to just have sex with one woman for long extended periods of time. But that’s what our society has deemed to be the proper relationship with a woman.
 
If it weren’t for the fantasy of fucking that other woman while fucking your partner, I sincerely believe that the majority of men would stop fucking all together, especially those married to out of shape, unattractive women! Although, I’m not suggesting sex with your partner can’t be intimate from time to time. I do believe those intimate occasions are sparked by either an event that brought the couples closer together for a period, or as a man, you feel your partner may not be into you any longer and you want to reconnect with her. Otherwise, most of us are fucking our fantasy women while having sex with our partners.

Man #3: Yes, I do this, but not very often, maybe 5%-10% of the time. For me it tends to be someone I know that I fantasize about, not a random person that I saw that day. Can’t really say why. It is not always someone who is really hot. I think it is more about the thought of something different that is exciting. My feelings are neutral. I think it is pretty normal, I don’t obsess over it, and I still have fun times with the wife.

Man #4: I have done it few times, and only when I have the hots for another women in our circle of friends (usually married, untouchable women). That’s the closest I can get to those women without taking any risk. My feelings are neutral and my curiosity to hear these fantasy women moaning and reacting to the pleasures of my lovemaking still remains. I have to watch out not to mentioned their names during sex.

Man #5: If I need to I do it.  Not too often because it distracts from the intimacy, but sometimes you just need to get the job done. 

And then there’s this:

Man #6: I do not fantasize about other woman while having sex with my wife.  In fact, it’s wild considering our very healthy physical life (or maybe that’s why)…any sexual fantasizing I do is about her. Maybe our situation is unique.

Man #7: At first I thought not to respond – just too busy and not interested. Well, after reading a number of responses to Wayne’s question, I thought is was time someone should weigh in on the other side. I do not use fantasies of other women when making love to my woman. I have chosen (it is a choice, not a “falling into”) to love my wife and am turned on by our intimacy. While the “physical” stuff is part of it – the far greater portion of the “turn on” is intimacy – the love I have for this woman. And, in fact, when an occasion arises (no pun intended) that I choose to masturbate, the fantasies of my wife are a far bigger turn on than a Penthouse girl – a Penthouse girl may be interesting, but it is the thoughts of my wife and how I feel when we make love that is most stimulating.!!!
 
So…, I do not relate to most of the comments from the men. I do believe most guys “have it all wrong.” I am 67 and my wife is 70 and I have had the best sex of my life in the last 10 years. My wife is dying of cancer, so the sexual part of our marriage has declined in the last months, and we are entering a new phase of our relationship. But my memory of our lovemaking will stay with me.
 
Thank you, men.

© 2010 BetterMen

*** 

Whew, I’ll admit this was an intense one today! And I’m not completely sure which question to pose to our readers. So maybe some general reactions to the topic? And do you want to know if your guy fantasizes about others while in bed with you?

Join us Thursday when Jeannie Ruesch of Will Design for Chocolate returns for the final lesson on websites. This installment concentrates on multi-published authors and what they can add to a website to enhance the experience and connection with readers. On Friday, Theresa Stevens helps us ground flying body parts.

Wayne’s Bio:

Wayne M. Levine, M.A. is the director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, CA, where he coaches and mentors men, and facilitates men’s groups. He also created the BetterMen Retreats for men, and for fathers and sons. In addition, Wayne is the founder of BetterMen.org, a life coaching and mentoring resource for men.

Wayne’s interest in men’s issues began in the early ‘90s with his participation in men’s work activities. His experiences with men’s groups, as a participant, leader and program developer, taught Wayne to “father” men and to support them in making difficult and important changes in their lives.

He earned his Master’s in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University/Los Angeles. Wayne also received his BA in journalism and graduated Magna Cum Laude and Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Southern California.

Wayne’s been married to his first and only wife, Ria, for over 25 years and is the proud daddy of Emma, Austin and the family’s menagerie of animals.  Wayne strives to be a better man, husband and father each day in Oak Park, CA.

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40 Responses to “Wayne Wednesday: Men’s Fantasies”

  1. Guys, thanks for your candid responses, even though much of it made my stomach churn. I had a feeling this would be the case so I didn’t read the blog until this morning (I could have a week ago). And I gotta admit, I considered not reading it at all.

    All I can say is #6 and especially #7, YOU are a woman’s fantasy. You are the stuff of romance novels, a happily ever after. Thank you for chiming in. I hope your stance on this topic is more the norm than the minority.

    Tracey

    Posted by TraceyDevlyn | July 14, 2010, 5:18 am
  2. morning all….

    gentlemen, thanks for sharing. =) And no, it’s not something I would want to know from my own spouse. I don’t think that’s something you could ever get back out of your head.

    #6 and #7, I agree with Tracey….you guys are the hero to put in any romance novel.

    carrie

    Posted by Carrie Spencer | July 14, 2010, 7:13 am
  3. Wayne and guys,

    Thanks so much for tackling such a controversial topic. I’ve had a couple days to think about the opinions expressed here, and I think the issue that will bother most women is that these men seem to be talking about real, potentially obtainable women. Her friend, his co-worker, a hot chick in the grocery store–these women could be a threat.

    But I would bet my last piece of chocolate cheesecake that some of these same women fantasize when they’re with their guys, but perhaps about a “faceless” cowboy, pirate or race car driver.

    I wonder, would some of these answers be more acceptable to women if their guys were thinking of some far-off movie star or model? Just food for thought.

    Cheers, all. And thanks for hanging in here with RU, even when we go where few women have gone before.

    Kelsey

    Posted by Kelsey Browning | July 14, 2010, 7:21 am
  4. Oh boy. I read this post almost three weeks ago and I’m still stunned speechless.

    This will absolutely go into the things-I-don’t-want-to-know pile. I can’t imagine many women want to know their spouse is fantasizing about other women. Particularly if that woman is a close friend.

    Thank you to all of the men that offered their opinions on this topic. As a married woman, it’s difficult to read, but it certainly gives us a glimpse into the male mind.

    Posted by AdrienneGiordano | July 14, 2010, 7:41 am
  5. Man #6 is my husband. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it 😆

    Seriously though, this hurt!

    But if I had to go looking for an upside, and of course I do, this kind of takes the pressure off. If he is going to fantasize about other women anyway, maybe I don’t have to work my abs as hard. Let the woman in the grocery store do some of the work.

    Also, when you think about a real happily ever after, it is a VERY VERY long time. That’s many many years of having sex with the same person. We have our Romance heros. Let them eat cake too.

    Posted by Sonali | July 14, 2010, 8:41 am
  6. I loved the answer from Man #7. Gave me tears.

    Posted by Edie Ramer | July 14, 2010, 9:36 am
  7. Yes, of course. Romance writers. You want to believe in the fantasy. I mentioned to my wife this morning that RU is handling the topic of men fantasizing about other women while having sex. Her response was, “Well of course.” So, why is she not hurt, upset or threatened by the notion?

    Posted by Wayne Levine | July 14, 2010, 11:57 am
    • Um, Wayne…maybe because she’s married to a therapist? She might be a little more realistic about men’s behaviors based on your work with men.

      For me it’s not a question of whether or not men fantasize about other women. Everyone has a very private life that no other person–even your lover–cannot touch. What I wouldn’t care to know is the WHO in that equation, especially if the woman is someone I know personally.

      Thanks for a very thought-provoking topic!
      K-

      Posted by KelseyBrowning | July 14, 2010, 2:12 pm
  8. Wayne,
    The response from your wife, “Well of course.” could have ment; men are such pigs, why would any woman be surprised? Or, it doesn’t susprise me, because us women fantisize about your best friends, brothers, strangers, and actors while doing the nasty. Either thought makes me feel a little uneasy.
    Jack

    Posted by Jack Russell | July 14, 2010, 2:04 pm
  9. oh gosh..now I have to pop back in…..the question was do men fantasize WHILE having sex. Not before, not while reading, not while in the bathtub. But IN THE MIDDLE OF. Yes, we as romance writers fantasize….yes, we as women do and so do men, and peachy keen.

    But while in the middle of “the act?”

    That’s different. Now they’ve entered your personal space. And yes, I agree with Kelsey that a big part of it is because it’s potentially someone you know, or that you both ran into at the grocery store while squeezing your cantaloupe. Yelling out Cindy Crawford – you’re the best! while in the midst of making love is one thing, yelling out your best friend’s name would be another.

    Although frankly, we’d have serious issues about either one being yelled…=)

    carrie

    Posted by Carrie Spencer | July 14, 2010, 2:10 pm
  10. Carrie –

    You just had to bring the cantaloupe into it, didn’t you?

    K-

    Posted by KelseyBrowning | July 14, 2010, 2:16 pm
  11. Yeah, I think I’ll leave out the chapter where the hero fantasizes about the heroine’s best friend. 😉

    Posted by Cassie | July 14, 2010, 3:00 pm
  12. Great discussion!

    Gotta say this one that nobody else has touched, ewww bad choice of words… You may have given a woman or two out there, who suspects that her man may be one of the above, incentive to suspend certain activities that aren’t her favorite?

    Perhaps we should replace Shakespear in high school with Romance novels….

    Posted by kathy bremner | July 14, 2010, 4:26 pm
  13. I thought this post was about whether men did that “horrible, despicable thing.” Mostly what I’m hearing is how you’d rather not know, or how “uneasy” you feel. Oh my. What if my wife said what she said because she’s simply not concerned? She’s in a committed relationship with a man who loves her. She’s secure. I don’t think women have to be married to therapists to have some sort of understanding of the way men think, especially around sex. Men think about sex ALL OF THE TIME. Perhaps we can stop judging and just appreciate the fact that it’s quite easy and likely that men—even your man, from time-to-time, will think of another in moments you’d rather than know about. It’s real. And its usually not a problem. Why does it disturb you so much? If that concerns you, I suggest that you never investigate what really goes on in the minds of men. The truth might make it very difficult for you to continue to create the men of your fantasies for your stories.

    Posted by Wayne Levine | July 14, 2010, 5:29 pm
    • I think perhaps the setting here, provokes the response.

      We have no idea who these men are in their real lives, whether they are good men or good husbands etc. It is a single question put to a set of men who may or may not be a good example of ‘men in general’ – if there is such a thing.

      We, and the men in question, MAY be feeding off the responses of others.
      Personally, I get that men think of sex all the time. And I get that they have fatasies that I’d just rather not know about. But I am surprised, that you didn’t expect the kind of responses you got from the women today.
      I am curious about man #2. the language of his response ‘sounds’ like a man who is not in a loving relationship (and no, it’s not the f-word that I’m talking about).

      I’m guessing that women who write Romance, believe in Romance, and tend to want to keep that feeling of belief that we’re not the only ones with a great man at home. 😉

      Posted by kathy bremner | July 14, 2010, 6:52 pm
      • Now we’re talkin’.

        The responses came from all good men, but all over the spectrum in terms of where they are in their lives, the state of their relationships, maturity, life experience, and age.

        Man #2 has trouble with intimacy, with women and men. Though he’s working on himself, he’s got a long road ahead. His answer revealed himself to us. His response also had an impact on many of the other guys. They wanted to shout out that #2 was NOT speaking for them. It has led to some great discussions in the groups.

        Posted by Wayne Levine | July 14, 2010, 7:04 pm
    • Wayne –

      I think we have to remember that we women are “coming from where we are,” just as the men are who responded to your question. We immediately internalize it and respond to the topic from our frame of reference. I’m not judging a man as “bad” because he fantasizes. It just appears that most women don’t want to know the details as they pertain to HER man.

      Perhaps the question we haven’t asked is where the man’s intimate partner fits in all this–or does she at all?

      K-

      Posted by KelseyBrowning | July 14, 2010, 8:02 pm
  14. Found this thread at random, and found this discussion so interesting that I want to chime in with my two cents.
    I’ve seen it mentioned above that some of you were more alarmed about men fantasizing about another woman during the act itself. I think that your fears are misplaced in most circumstances.
    I would agree that the answer given by #2 was disturbing. When he said,” If it weren’t for the fantasy of fucking that other woman while fucking your partner, I sincerely believe that the majority of men would stop fucking all together, especially those married to out of shape, unattractive women!” it conveyed not merely a lack of intimate connection with his partner, but also perhaps some underlying resentment and hostility. Red flags all over this one. 😯
    While I respect the choice (and he is absolutely correct, it is a choice) made by #7, I have, on rare occasions, chosen to engage, to utilize, fantasies while making love to my wife. Remember, men can not engage in actual performance of the act unless we are aroused, either mentally, emotionally, visually, or physically. I love and respect my wife 100% of the time, and focusing on my wife alone does this for me 99% of the time, but there are times that due to fatigue, stress, or distraction (your daughter knocking on the bedroom door asking for a glass of milk is really distracting), that the wind can be taken out of your sails, so to speak. In those occasions, if all else fails, I might find myself looking for some mental image to get the job done, not just for my personal gratification, but for ours, as a couple.
    I think for men, the choice of the fantasy during “the act” isn’t emotional, and is most likely not a threat as some fear, even if it’s about someone you know. Under pressure, men usually pick whatever works to get back up to speed at that moment and do not discriminate. It may be a one shot fantasy (as a tool) that may never work again. It may be one that is completely absurd. It is an emergency choice picked at random.
    Ironically, what he might deliberately choose as a fantasy while he is alone and under no pressure to preform with you, is a greater threat.

    Posted by Matt Arnold | July 20, 2010, 11:37 am
  15. Brilliant answer!!

    Posted by Alecia | February 18, 2013, 6:27 am
  16. I can usually tell. The connection is gone, the ‘creepy stare’ glazes his face if he does open his eyes, and I literally feel like a rag the way it ends. That’s a tough one – it’s safe in his mind but leads to a bad time and built resentment (it was ‘my fault’ when I brought up the ‘symptoms’ that I had noticed – damn me for “criticizing”…the catch-all phrase when feedback triggers a twinge of shame in the other..)

    Posted by Christina | July 7, 2013, 9:17 am
  17. I could tell something was going on when he was after me every night for a month. Then I found out he hired a lovely, divorced, young thing.. That explains why i felt there was one too many of us in our bed. The young thing is gone (sorry dear), but not forgotten.

    Posted by Sandy | July 30, 2013, 6:28 pm
  18. I just wanted to say that my significant other fantasizes and we have only been together two years. I know that my former lovers and husbands have as well. I get them to be completely honest with me by letting them know I will not judge them, but it does bother me on the level of ego I suppose.. I am built like a marilyn monroe and everyone thinks I am cute, so it’s not because you are not cute enough for them.. They just like variety.. As a girl I can say that I do not think about other men that way.. Most of my fantasies are of the man I love with other women.. Is there something wrong with me? Will say I would never want it to happen though..

    Posted by Rachel Donovan | March 28, 2014, 8:41 am
  19. I found this site/post when looking up the question about if men fantasize about other women while making love to spouse/dig other. My guy says he never, mind you never ever does. I have a hard time with that response, due to all of the “hot material” at ones fingertips online- especially on iPhones/ cells. There is an age difference. 15yrs-me older. However I look younger and in shape. Marriage is at hand. But I have no interest in a man who does. I believe what Jesus spoke. “Any man(or woman) who looks at a woman with lust is sinning” not preaching. Just truth if you believe the Bible is truth. Fortunately I will be the judge. Everyone will have to answer to God his or her self. The “I can’t help it from men is – as my Dad said is HOGWASH.it is up to couples to keep things interesting in the bedroom, and with Jesus in the family, HAPPY HAPPY HOME! Smiles and be blessed!

    Posted by Erika | February 1, 2015, 1:39 pm
  20. Wow. This was amazing to read, it really says the state of the relationship and the importance of the relationship some men have with their wives. I really agree with men 6 and 7, and 7 has a beautiful way of looking at his married life. Although I am a 35 single male, if I was married, I don’t think it is necessary to think about other women while having sex with the wife. Right now I am working on positive friendships with better women than I’ve previously been in relationships with. The article shows something: the happiness is found within the point of view. And if having the point of view as men 6 and 7, than that’s good. That’s beautiful.

    Posted by Daniel | February 12, 2015, 7:47 pm
  21. The thing about 6 & 7 is they sound mature, emotionally and mentally, like they has good parenting. Everyone else just sounds like pathetic products of divorce or what-should-have-been-divorce. If a guy can’t commit in his mind then he’s not being faithful, is he? Is his brain not a major part of him, and a part of his relationship? If he can’t commit to one woman, he’s deceiving not only her but himself and he shouldnt be in a relationship in the first place. I think that’s what the great virgin and masochist Jesus said. But it’s the only way everyone can stop hurting or faking love so they can hopefully one day find real love.

    Posted by Marm | May 23, 2016, 2:57 pm
  22. Also, not having sex isnt a problem. If something is going on where he feels the need to fantasize to keep a session going, he should just STOP, and chill with his woman, and could even talk about it or just explain he is too tired. Not be mentally unfaithful for the “sake of the relationship,” how can anyone even justify that? Anyone’s orgasm should not be the focus of sex, that ruins the intimacy of it. And you don’t cheat to keep your monogamous partner happy. What backwards thinking.

    Posted by Marm | May 23, 2016, 3:04 pm
  23. The problem for me is not whether, from time-to-time, he has to fantasize because he’s tired or stressed. I get that completely. But what it one to think when a man admits that he has fantasized “most every time” in order to be with his wife? Better to just call the marriage quits?

    Posted by Kay Bee | March 15, 2017, 11:51 am

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