Hi, I’m a romance author with my debut ready to go out sometime this year. However, the date has been pushed back because of my bad grammar. My publisher wants me to fix certain things such as “wandering body parts”.
She gave me examples such as:
I would write “She tossed her chin over her shoulder”
Would the right way be: “She jerked her head around”?
Another example: “Her fingers raked through the hair on his chest” when I should say it as “She ran her fingers through the hair on his chest”. I love to write but always had a weakness with grammar. I’d be happy to get the help and if there’s a site or guideline you know I can go to, or if you can answer this, let me know.
I’m also real bad with sex scenes. I try to describe a position or action and it wouldn’t make sense to some people. I wonder if there’s a site that offers pointers in writing these sex scenes.
I appreciate your time and looking forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Nona Sebastian
Hi, Nona,
Thanks for the question, and congratulations on your sale. The problem of wandering body parts is a common one, so common, in fact, that my friends and I used to trade egregious examples like little boys with baseball cards. Some particular favorites from my old file:
Her eyes flew across the room. (Did they sprout wings when they sprung loose from the sockets?)
His feet raced down the hill. (I always wondered which foot won that race.)
Her ass beat time with the drums. (I don’t even want to know how her ass held the drumsticks.)
In my experience, the source of the problem is usually the verb. By that I mean that the action being ascribed to the body part is not one that can logically occur.
Let’s take a look at your first sample sentence.
“She tossed her chin over her shoulder”
When we think of someone tossing something, the motion usually involves using the hands to propel an object away from the body. In this case, your sentence implies that she has somehow detached her chin from her face and thrown it over her shoulder. We know this can’t be correct.
There is a secondary meaning with this verb, one that comes up in phrases such as, “She tossed her hair over her shoulder,” or, “She tossed her head.” In both cases, the verb is describing a motion of the head rather than a motion with the hands. The problem with using the verb in this sense with the direct object chin is that the chin is not separate from the head. She cannot toss her chin without tossing her entire head.
The cure for this problem is careful editing and attention to the nuances of verbs. Whenever you name a body part in a sentence, identify the verb describing any action or motion of that body part. Can this body part actually act in this way? If the answer is yes, then you should be fine. But don’t be too quick to answer yes. Open your dictionary and check it. Compare the definition in your dictionary to definitions in online dictionaries or to other words listed in the thesaurus. This process will often reveal subtle shades of meaning that might make you question whether you actually have the right verb.
The second step is to question whether just one part of the body performs the action or whether it’s the entire person. For example, in our sentence,
His feet raced down the hill
his feet don’t race by themselves. His entire body is moving. He might be noticing how quickly his feet are moving in his haste to get to the bottom, but his feet don’t cross the finish line while his arms and legs are still in the starting gate.
My guess is that you’re experiencing a similar problem in the sex scenes. Sex scenes are loaded with body parts doing all sorts of inventive things. Edit carefully to make sure that the verbs describe an action which is physically possible. For me, personally, I have no problem with the sentence,
“Her fingers raked through the hair on his chest”
because in all of my dictionaries (and I checked three), a secondary meaning for rake was to scratch, which is something that fingers can easily do. And it’s just the fingers (not the whole body) performing the act of raking. (Your editor might object to this sentence for other reasons, though, and the only way to find out what she means is to ask her directly.)
It does become easier with practice, and before long, nobody’s body parts will wander in unexpected ways.
Got a question for the editor? Email it to askaneditor at romanceuniversity dot org.
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Theresa, thanks for the lesson on flying body parts. Thank you also to Nona for sending in her letter.
Join us on Monday when author Christi Barth joins us to talk about small publishers.
Theresa’s Bio:
Theresa Stevens is the Publisher of STAR Guides Publishing, a nonfiction publishing company with the mission to help writers write better books. After earning degrees in creative writing and law, she worked as a literary attorney agent for a boutique firm in Indianapolis where she represented a range of fiction and nonfiction authors. After a nine-year hiatus from the publishing industry to practice law, Theresa worked as chief executive editor for a highly acclaimed small romance press, and her articles on writing and editing have appeared in numerous publications for writers. Visit her blog at http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/ where she and her co-blogger share their knowledge and hardly ever argue about punctuation.
Kelsey's serving up bite-sized morsels for your noggin on her new 
Great post, Theresa! Thanks to Nona for submitting a question to our Ask An Editor email.
Adrienne’s constantly catching my body parts and putting them back where they belong. She refers to them as “flying body parts,” so I have a number of “fbp” notations in the side margin when she returns a critique. LOL
Although I still fling appendages around from time to time, I’m much more aware of them in my writing now. So Theresa’s right–it does get easier to identify them with a bit of practice.
Thanks! Tracey
Posted by TraceyDevlyn | July 16, 2010, 5:37 amYes, like many writing “tics,” this is one that we can learn to control with practice. Awareness and a good CP can really help here!
Posted by Theresa Stevens | July 16, 2010, 12:18 pmLOL Tracey’s right. This is usually an issue for new writers and occasionally I’ll still find myself doing it.
But, if no one told us, we wouldn’t know, right? Congrats on your sale and good luck in the future!
Posted by Sandi Sookoo | July 16, 2010, 7:55 amIt can creep into the work of experienced authors, too, especially when they’re on tight deadlines or focusing on other areas of the text. But it’s easier to spot and fix these kinds of problems with a bit of experience.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | July 16, 2010, 12:20 pmMorning Theresa! Thanks for asking Nona!
I’m sure the Flying Body Parts question comes up a LOT to writers. My big problem is that I’ve read all of those, or similar to those, in other books. Who hasn’t read “tossed a glare over her shoulder” or “her eyes flew to his”. The first time someone mentioned Flying Body Part to me, I thought yeah….so? Everyone else does it!
I’m better with it now, but eyeballs in my stories do still tend to wander away occasionally. My CP’s help me herd them back in.
=)
Thanks for posting today Theresa! Very informative as always!
carrie
Posted by Carrie Spencer | July 16, 2010, 7:59 amYes, published books sometimes contain errors, sloppy writing, and a host of other issues. It’s too bad, especially for errors so easily corrected.
… she glared at him over her shoulder
… her gaze flew to his
See that? Piece of cake.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | July 16, 2010, 12:24 pmThanks to both Theresa and Nona today!
Yes – body parts do tend to get away from a writer
. I guess my question is where to draw the line between FBPs that tear the reader out of the story (the ass and drums would definitely pull me away from the story) and ones that really don’t register to the reader. Theresa, it sounds like your answer is to scrutinize the verb so I’ll keep that in mind, especially the next time I have a hankering to write “dancing eyes.”
K-
Posted by KelseyBrowning | July 16, 2010, 9:10 amWell, the key is really in avoiding confusion. Avoiding laughable gaffes, too. I mean, if an editor can look at your sentence and start wondering where the drumsticks go, it’s not a sentence you want to keep, right?
It’s all in the image the words paint in the reader’s mind. Checking the verb and asking whether that noun can actually do the verb action is a good starting point for that analysis.
Posted by Theresa Stevens | July 16, 2010, 12:28 pmI like “dancing eyes”… it’s better than “dancing gaze” which would make my
“eyes” screech to a halt on the page!
What about “tossed a glance”? Is that acceptable?
Posted by Jennifer Tanner | July 16, 2010, 5:42 pmI agree with you. There’s nothing wrong with dancing eyes. Eyes smile, they frown, they dance, they weep, they twinkle…there’s a multitude of expressions in the eyes, and I don’t see anything wrong with using them! Tossing a glance…according to dictionary.com, that fits one of the definitions of “toss!”
Cliche…now that might be another issue. But I think we go overboard there, too, sometimes. No one says “He smiled” is cliche, though gracious knows there’s hardly a romance novel out there that doesn’t have the hero smiling
Posted by Kathleen MacIver | July 16, 2010, 7:06 pmGreat points! I think first drafts get to experiment with unique ways of expressing things, including flyaway body parts, but a keen eye is needed in the editing to prevent any from going missing
Sometimes, though, I do think that expressions get taken too literally–I have no problem, for instance, with fingers flying over piano keys or eyes following someone across the room, because I understand what’s being expressed even better than a literal “played the piano very quickly” or “watched her as she walked”–and it’s not awkward or, as Kelsey said, doesn’t take you out of the story.
Posted by Hyaline | July 16, 2010, 10:44 amThis is where art comes in — knowing how to use language for figurative and evocative impact. We don’t have to think of this in two polarities: the literal (and plainly stated) recitation on one end, and the figurative (but nonsensical) expression on the other end.
There’s a vast middle ground of expressions that paint a powerful image without confusing the reader or causing inadvertent laughter. Fingers flying over piano keys might dwell in that middle ground (though it’s a bit cliched, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue).
Posted by Theresa Stevens | July 16, 2010, 12:33 pmThanks for a great post Theresa. I became aware of this problem in my own writing after taking a Margie Lawson workshop. Sometimes I can’t help myself and use an “FBP” but I try to eliminate as many as I can.
Posted by Adrienne Giordano | July 16, 2010, 1:19 pmThe thing I don’t get about this issue is…why is figurative language wrong with body parts, but it’s not with other things? Take the classic, “Her eyes flew to his.” Of course her eyes didn’t literally fly. But then…a gaze can’t sprout wings and fly either. Both are figurative, and everybody knows what both mean. So why is gaze better than eyes? Honestly? I don’t mind using gaze instead of eyes sometimes, but other times, it just doesn’t fit, because “gaze” feels so…swoon-ish. If two people’s eyes suddenly meet because something startled them, then “gaze” just doesn’t fit, because neither were gazing to begin with. “Both suddenly looked at each other” just falls flat. “Her gaze met his” … is that taboo for the same reason? It should be! After all, their eyes didn’t literally greet and exchange names and shake hands. Besides, it doesn’t express the sense of urgency that “flew” so aptly conveys.
Honestly, I think the only reason these pull us out of the story is because we’ve trained ourselves to think it’s taboo and therefore notice it. Heaven help us if we start noticing ALL figurative language and taking it literally… especially if we want to read poetry!
Okay…I’ll get off my little soap box, but if someone has examples of what would work better than that taboo little phrase when gaze doesn’t fit, and when you want something quick and snappy that conveys two very alert and fast glances into each others eyes at the same time…I’d love to hear it!
Posted by Kathleen MacIver | July 16, 2010, 2:36 pmI’m glad you got on your soapbox.
Thanks for the dose of common sense to give some perspective. I think FBP are like anything in writing. They can be used but not overused. I might use “her eyes flew to his” but if I did a Find Search and found it repeated, I’d know I better use something else – - along with my too many instances of grins and smiles! The point made earlier of the FBP sounding like a cliche is a great one too. Even that might not be a strict no-no.
Great topic!
Posted by Melissa | July 16, 2010, 4:18 pmThis was so much fun to read and then I knew I had better add this to my editing watch list. It is so easy to get caught in the moment and hurry to get the latest idea down that sometimes, well more often then not it is easy to let more of these on to the page then we thought possible.
Thank you for this informative session. RU you ROCK and Theresa again you bring us valuable information. Nona what a great question to ask.
Posted by Holly | July 16, 2010, 10:16 pm