Urban Fantasy author C.J. Redwine is back for another installment of our ever-popular Query Writing 101.  This month, C.J. has chosen a letter from Jean Osborn. Thanks to C.J. and Jean! Readers, feel free to post questions for C.J.

Dear Agent,

Thank you for listening to my Dark Harvest pitch at Thrillerfest (Agentfest) New York on 8 July. Although you did not request my thriller, you were very encouraging and I appreciate it.   I wouldn’t reference the fact that this agent didn’t request your project. Instead, I’d mention how professional/interesting/funny/likable etc. the agent was and how excited you are to share your YA with him/her. Also, I’d put this at the end, because right now, we start off the query thinking you’re thanking us for listening to a query (which is strange) about Dark Harvest.

I would like to query you about a completed 72k YA Mystery Birdwatcher. No need to say “I’d like to query you.” You already are. Save this and the above paragraph for your end of query stats paragraph. i.e. “BIRDWATCHER is a YA mystery complete at 72k. I enjoyed pitching my adult thriller to you at Thrillerfest, New York, and was so impressed by _________that I couldn’t wait to query you with this exciting new project.” Then you finish by listing any pub creds or memberships and thank the agent for his/her time.

When 13-year-old Callie witnesses a neighbor’s murder on Chamberland Island, she doesn’t expect to see the dead woman alive again—or murdered again and again. The repetition of “again” doesn’t carry the impact you want it to carry here. And we’re totally missing Callie’s emotional reaction to the trauma of witnessing a murder. I’d suggest “When 13-year-old …Island, she is __fill in the blank with the appropriate emotion.” Does it give her nightmares? Because nightmares (or something along those lines) would provide an easy tie-in sentence. i.e. “But her night time terrors are nothing compared to the horror of seeing the murdered woman come to life, only to be viciously killed again.” Or something like that.

BIRDWATCHER follows Callie, her friend Kurt, and her young brother Max as they investigate the staged murders leading them into a complex web of deceit and betrayal orchestrated by her next door neighbor who will stop at nothing to steal his twin’s inheritance. Can Callie and her friends solve the mystery? Will the adults believe them? Birdwatcher doesn’t follow them. Don’t make your novel the protagonist here. Give this a human connection by leading with Callie. What she discovers that leads her to believe the murder is stages. How she drags her friend and brother in to help her prove it to her parents. And how her efforts to prove it ensnare them all in a web of deceit and lies that just might end with a real murder–her own.

Or will they become her neighbor’s final victims?

I am a member of ITW, MWA, RWA, Sisters in Crime, Florida Writers, and North Florida Writers. I have been published in nonfiction and in anthologies about ghosts. My YA mystery, Birdwatcher took second place in the Mayhaven Publisher’s national YA contest.   Just a random observation: 13 is pretty young for a YA protagonist. You might need to look at whether this is YA or MG, or perhaps raise her age by a year or two. Up to you. Good luck with the query!

Thank you for your time,

***

Jean, thank you again for allowing us to use your letter. Let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you.

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday for Anatomy of the Mind when Adrienne shares what a nine year-old taught her about rejection.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. To learn more, go to http://cjredwine.blogspot.com/

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