Good morning! Welcome to the second installment of our Line Editing series, where editors Gina Bernal and Theresa Stevens edit the first two pages of a reader-submitted manuscript. Today, Gina takes a look at an entry from K.C. Admas.

Welcome to my first installment in Romance University’s line editing series. Thanks for stopping by! Today we have the first 400 words of a paranormal/fantasy novel. I chose this example because it achieves what a good opening scene should: it places the reader in the midst of unfolding action and makes him or her want to know what will happen next. It’s already an intriguing scene that, with some work, has the potential to be stronger.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick…

The damned clock was going to drive her insane. As if the waiting wasn’t bad enough without the constant reminder of how much time was passing. Of how little time they had left.

Her eyes had been tracing the lines of silver corkscrewing through the black marble floor for at least an hour, the pinching dizziness just behind her skull a testament to their intricacy. She longed to be of service in someway, to fetch something, to mend something, hell, even killing something would suffice at this point. But there had been enough killing lately to go around. Now she, and her charge, were both suffering the consequences.

Thinking of consequences made her entertain the five other individuals whose lives would change, should the worst occur. She’d met most of them, though it had been many years ago, and didn’t recall much more than their names and vague hazy memories of their faces. She thought of them, of the possibilities that they might have families, might have lovers or friends they would regret leaving behind. For their sake, she hoped they had no one. Her life wasn’t one of ease or luxury. By law, she was bound to no one save the individual she served. By law her heart, her body remained unused, untouched, as did her blood. Purest from her first breath to her last, all because the rites of tradition demanded it. Now her fate might not be hers alone to bear.

Shaking her head, she pushed to her feet, the sword at her side moving with her effortlessly.

The room was silent, the halls were silent, and the house was silent. It was as if the only living thing in the entire place was her, even though she knew better. Without thinking, she took to the familiar semi-circle path around the doorway, not looking up from the black marbled floor. It was twenty seven steps from one side to the other, and she felt every one of them through every inch of her body.

Tick, tock, tick…

With a silent whoosh, the door swung open and she stopped dead, raising her eyes to the woman that came through the archway. In that moment, she had her answer. The woman’s red-rimmed eyes speaking of sorrow words could not convey. Out of reverence, but more out of habit, she dropped to a knee, lowered her head and held her breath.

“Your majesty?” She whispered.

And waited.

From the beginning, we know someone is waiting—and is tired of doing so. However, a character watching a clock skirts dangerously close to character-boarding-a-plane and character-waking-up-from-a-nightmare opening clichés. I might suggest the author come up with a fresher way of expressing that impatience. But, working with what we have, we can try to be concise, getting the reader to the heart of the scene’s conflict faster.

 Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick…

Waiting was bad enough without the clock’s constant reminder of how much time had passed. Of how little time they had left.

She longed to be of service in some way, to fetch something, to mend something. Hell, even killing something would suffice. But there had been enough killing lately. And she and her charge were both suffering the consequences.

You’ll see that I completely removed the first line of the third paragraph. It didn’t add any information of significant value and felt somewhat overwrought compared to the direct simplicity of the rest. Other than that, a few punctuation changes and the elimination of wordiness allow the sentences to make more of an impact.

Here’s where we find out intriguing facts about our heroine and her predicament: she’s some kind of oath-bound servant facing repercussions because of recent murders. At this point, she’s captured our interest. We can learn more about the “five other individuals “ and how she knows them later. Don’t get bogged down in superfluous details and, again, watch for wordiness. Keep the focus on her; she’s our only connection to the story at this time.

She thought of the others whose lives would change should the worst occur. Of the families, lovers or friends they would leave behind. For their sake, she hoped they had no one. Her life wasn’t one of ease or luxury. She was bound to the individual she served. By law, her heart and her body remained unused, untouched, as did her blood. Pure from her first breath to her last. The rites of tradition demanded it. Now her fate might not be hers alone to bear.

I would suggest naming this character in the opening scene, especially if she is indeed going to be a protagonist in the story. Not only will having a name make her more personal to readers, it will avoid pronoun confusion when other characters enter the scene (you see it most here in the last paragraph).

Also, think about what physical details and emotional cues could be added to give the reader a better picture of the heroine and her world. We know she wears a sword and that the room has black marble floors, but what else? Does she dress a certain way to indicate her status? Maybe she wears an emblem of her class that she touches for reassurance, etc.? What else is she feeling at this point besides impatience and apprehension? Remember that world building is all in the details.

Continuing our tightening and fine-tuning of the prose through the remainder of the scene, we might end up with something like this:

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick…

Waiting was bad enough without the clock’s constant reminder of how much time had passed. Of how little time they had left.

She longed to be of service in some way, to fetch something, to mend something. Hell, even killing something would suffice. But there had been enough killing lately. And she and her charge were both suffering the consequences.

She thought of the others whose lives would change should the worst occur. Of the families, lovers or friends they would leave behind. For their sake, she hoped they had no one. Her life wasn’t one of ease or luxury. She was bound to the individual she served. By law, her heart and her body remained unused, untouched, as did her blood. Pure from her first breath to her last. The rites of tradition demanded it. Now her fate might not be hers alone to bear.

Shaking her head, she pushed to her feet, the sword at her side a familiar, comforting weight.

The halls were silent, as if she were the only living thing in the entire place. She traced the now familiar path across the room, not looking up from the black marble floor. Twenty-seven steps from one side to the other, the weight on her soul growing heavier with each one.

Tick, tock, tick…

The door swung open and she stopped dead. A woman came through the archway, her red-rimmed eyes speaking of sorrow words could not convey. In that moment, she had her answer.

“Your majesty,” she whispered.

Out of reverence, but more out of habit, she dropped to a knee, lowered her head, held her breath.

And waited.

Of course, my voice is not that of the author’s, so she should feel free to add the details that best fit her vision. But we’ve gone from a little over 400 words to 280, and with some tightening and reorganizing, the revised scene reads as more direct and engaging, heightening the suspense. Overall, there’s potential to be mined here.

 Thanks to the author, K.C. Adams, for letting me use her work as an example. I hope she—and RU’s readers—find this exercise helpful!

  ***

 RU CREW,  can you apply some of Gina’s tips to your own opening scene?

 Thank you to Gina for the great feedback! Be here on Monday when CJ Redwine returns to critique a reader submitted query letter.

 Gina’s Bio: Gina Bernal has over eight years of publishing experience in both editorial and marketing/sales. She is currently a freelance editor for Harlequin’s digital imprint, Carina Press, for which she is actively seeking romance of all subgenres and heat levels, urban fantasy, and suspense/mystery novels with strong female leads. Gina loves books that make her laugh, books that make her cry and books that do both. She’s a sucker for tortured heroes, badass heroines, unusual settings and classic themes with new twists. She holds a B.A. in History and Literature from Harvard University and resides in the Boston area.

You can follow her on Twitter @GinaBernal

Similar Posts:

• Editor Gina Bernal Tackles Line Editing
• Ask An Editor Theresa Stevens Tackles Line Editing
• Weekly Lecture Schedule for May 4 – 11, 2012 – C.J. Redwine, Cris Dukehart & Gina Bernal
• Ask An Editor: Theresa Stevens’ Line Editing Series
• Behind the Scenes: Editing

Craft of Writing