You know how you think you can just tell what kind of relationship a man and woman have just by looking that them? HH says it’s all about how a guy treats his lady.
I’ll admit it. I’m nervous. Being a newly designated contributor for RU has got my blood rushing. After-all, you don’t know me and I haven’t had a chance to get to know any of you yet either. This first post is a first date of sorts between us, isn’t it?
In that vein, let me give you a little insight into why, as a man, I accepted the invitation to join RU and embraced the chance to prove true romance isn’t lost on all men. So settle in, let me pour us a drink and let’s get to know each other.
As I believe all writers are, I am an avid people watcher. I love heading out to the local mall, bistro or park and observing dozens of stories play out in front of me. In most cases there will be a man and a woman I watch (it’s not as creepy as it sounds) and I try to determine the status of their relationship by the way they treat one another. It’s disheartening to watch a couple just going through the motions in one case and inspiringly uplifting to watch another couple who gaze at each other as if no one else is around. It is both of these sets of couples that inspire me to write about romance.
Watching an elderly man as he, even after 40 years of marriage, still opens the car door for his beloved wife motivates me to educate other men; not that they should just do it but why it makes their partner feel special. That is where the reason for doing it lies.
When I watch an inattentive twenty-something guy seated at a restaurant stare at the behinds of other women over his girlfriend’s shoulder as she attempts to tell him of her day, it makes me want to write a romantic story his girlfriend will read that lets her know there are men out there who will treat her with the respect, attention and unflinching devotion she deserves.
(Let me pour us a refill?)
For me, I am affected by the reactions of the women in the above examples. My heart glows as I see the girlish smile on the elderly lady’s face as she says Thank You to her husband. My blood boils as I watch the young lady take a nervous pull of water from her straw and pretend not to notice her boyfriend’s wandering eyes; waiting patiently for him to focus them back to her while, unnecessarily, wondering what it is about her that can’t hold his attention.
It is reactions such as those which inspire me to write Romance.
I am attending a Romance Writer’s Conference in a couple of weeks and it was pointed out I will be one of VERY few men there. I hadn’t thought about it at all until it was mentioned. While I know there are other men like me out there, I find it sad there aren’t more. I think most men find “Romance” sissy-like. They see it as a weakness when it is a strength they can tap into in order to fortify their relationship and make their lover feel secure and safe. As a constant observer of men and women (ok that sounded a little creepy..better pour us some more wine) I love laying witness to that rare man who showers his lady with attention in public and doesn’t care what anyone thinks. Those are the real men in my book of romance.
So, Fellow Romancers, if you’ll promise to call me for a second, third and even a fourth date, I look forward to providing insight into those men’s minds as well as my take on the women’s. I’m eager to read your feedback as well.
Well, it looks as if the bottle is empty so I guess our first date is coming to an end. (Now if you don’t mind, kindly remove your hand from my knee. I’m not that kind of guy.)
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How do you think a real man should treat a lady in public?
Join us Friday when Laurie Schnebly Campbell talks about why content, not size, matters in a book blurb.
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Bio: Like most of us, I’ve been around the block a time or two (or three) in the relationship world. I like to think of myself as having a pretty thick skin, however, that skin doesn’t surround the heart.
I’ve been in love; I’ve been in lust. I’ve been hurt and got up to do it all again, each time having learned more of myself as well as “wants” and “don’t wants” for my next relationship. Amazingly enough, I never gave up on that one true love wrapped in Romance. You can visit me here, at http://thedanceofromanceonline.com
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HH, thanks for joining the RU crew! We’re delighted to have you.
One of the guys at work was laughing about how his wife called him out for checking out the girls during their dinner (20+ years of marriage). I told him I would have done more than called him out–I would have whopped him upside the head.
I don’t ogle handsome men while in the presence of my husband and I expect the same courtesy from him. If a man can’t control his eyes while he’s with me, what can he not control when he’s not?
Have fun at your conference. Women–and writers–are notoriously kind to the men attending. We also never let a writer (male or female) eat alone.
You’ll be in good hands.
Posted by Tracey Devlyn | August 1, 2012, 4:24 amThank so much Tracey for the welcome!
It’s truly my pleasure to be part of RU.
Someone once mentioned to me his wife has a three second rule for him to ogle another woman while they’re out. All I could think of was that for those three seconds he’s spending it on another woman and not the devoted partner standing next to him in line at the checkout.
While as men and women we are organically programmed to be drawn to one another, there is a mental switch we can flip off if we so choose. And in those instances when we find the switch has unintentionally been turned on for a second we have the ability to shut it off again. It takes practice but it can be done.
I’m looking forward to going to the conference in a couple of weeks and hope to report great news back!
Thanks again,
HH
Posted by HH | August 1, 2012, 8:53 amGreat post! And I’m not just saying that because of all the wine you poured. LOL
It’s always fun to observe other people, and fortunately as a writer, it’s a job requirement.
I’m looking forward to your future posts.
Posted by Donna Cummings | August 1, 2012, 5:07 amThanks Donna and it’s nice to “meet” you.
Observing people is a reflex anymore and I catch myself doing it even if I hadn’t planned to.
You?
HH
Posted by HH | August 1, 2012, 8:54 amI hope you had fun at the convention. Such gatherings would be a good place to find a like mined friend.
Ihave often heard that men give romance to get sex and that women give sex to get romance. Sounds rather unhappy to me.
Wehave several couples at church who have been married for more than half a century. In most cases one can see that the couple are as much in love now as they were so long ago and treat each other as precious.
Posted by Nancy | August 1, 2012, 5:25 amGreat to meet you Nancy and thanks for your comment.
“Men give romance to get sex and women give sex to get romance.”
Wow. I can say that out of all the conversations I’ve had with both male and female friends…sadly that’s true. (There are of course exceptions.)
When a man gives romance to get sex I feel it somehow objectifies a woman. (Hear me out ladies.)
A man wants sex from his wife so he brings home flowers and proposes an evening at a favorite restaurant of hers. In his mind, he’s leading up to something as opposed to simply doing it out of the goodness of his heart. He’s being romantic for his own purposes as opposed to his wife’s. Maybe he even thinks, “Well she’s getting a nice night out and, well, I did buy her some flowers too.”
Thoughts?
HH
Posted by HH | August 1, 2012, 9:04 amWouldn’t she be getting some sex, too? Is that automatically “opposed” to her “purposes?”
A few years ago there was this absurd national discussion about whether women “wanted” sex, and it suddenly became sexist to say they didn’t. At any rate, I don’t think it’s fair to brand a man a selfish jerk if he lavishes attention on his wife–AND if he checks out another woman’s tush in a restaurant. Or suggesting that a woman should be offended both when her husband does and doesn’t want some nookie. That’s a null set.
Why would a woman not be pleased knowing her husband of 20+ years still thinks she’s desirable enough to woo to bed?
And shouldn’t we be talking about both sides of the equation, anyway? If a woman uses sex to hook a man, could it not be said that she’s using him for her purposes as opposed to his?
Posted by Dave Thome | August 1, 2012, 11:11 amThanks for the reply Dave.
I don’t think it was argued that men use women and women don’t occasionally use men. They certainly will and sometimes do.
I will stand by the a guy IS a selfish jerk if he checks out another woman’s tush while his wife watches. Most men have a sense of disassociated entitlement… they want their cake and to eat it too.
They want to be able to shrug their shoulders, blink innocently a couple of times and, with a look they know they can get away with, chime, “What?” as his wife disapproves.
As a father of two daughters (and three boys) I can’t see finding a behavior acceptable in myself I would clock some clod’s cranium in if he were to do it to my daughter.
I’ve had mostly female friends my entire life. Not a ONE of them is truly ok in watching their partner momentarily lust for another woman. I DO have female friends who will put on a brave face and profess, “I don’t care if they look at the menu, as long as they come home to eat.”
When pressed, they don’t really mean it.
The last thing anyone wants to think of as their partner is making “nookie” to them is whether they are thinking of the blond waitress with the “nice rack” and “legs up her neck” from the restaurant earlier, or themselves. So implying the fact she wins the booby prize by simply being present (so therefore benefits) after that display doesn’t work, in my experience, with almost all women.
Also, “her husband of 20+ years still thinks she’s desirable ‘ENOUGH’ to woo to bed” describes exactly what the problem is, in my eyes, today. NO one wants to the the booby prize, the one who happens to be present at the time, the ulterior. Why not find the beauty in the one you’re with and take the time to express your lust for them? Trust me, that is the ONLY way you will ever get 100% from them. You first have to give them 110% up front.
Ladies? I think we both would like your thoughts.
HH
Posted by HH | August 1, 2012, 9:29 pmWelcome, HH!
After three decades with Dave, I can tell you that by “desirable enough to woo,” he is not saying someone is a booby prize. It means she’s worth the effort, as opposed to being taken for granted. And Dave makes the effort! (:
Posted by MJ | August 2, 2012, 9:21 amI agree it’s the little things that make a difference. Holding hands as you walk across the parking lot to the car. A hand touching occasionally. There is nothing sadder than a couple at a fancy restaurant each sitting there reading their phones.
Posted by Ann | August 1, 2012, 6:05 amRuth’s Rules For Romance:
Aretha said it best: R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
The Golden Rule also applies.
50 Shades Of Anything do NOT apply.
OK. As you were.
Posted by Ruth Harris | August 1, 2012, 6:21 amRuth! Love it!
Posted by Robin Covington | August 1, 2012, 8:16 amRuth!
Simple and to the point. I love it!
(Not even one shade?)
HH
Posted by HH | August 1, 2012, 9:04 amMorning HH!
What a fun post =) but wine for breakfast? Why not!?
My husband used to tsk at me…he’d open the door but I’d already be barreling through the other one. I was Miss Independence! It took some time and talking before we understood each other…he was doing it as a kindness, not subverting my independence…..=)
And I’m with Tracy…a sharp rap upside the head when a man has wandering eyes? Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Thanks for joining us HH!
=)
carrie
Posted by Carrie Spencer | August 1, 2012, 7:29 amGood Morning, Carrie!
Wine for breakfast? Like I’m the first?
Your hubby is certainly one of those rare men I would admire. For a real gentleman, a gesture such as opening a door for his lady has nothing at all to do with us seeing our partners as incapable, weak or subservient. It’s a way for us to let you know that, “Yes Sweetheart, even right now I am thinking of you.”
Sometimes when I see a guy who just doesn’t get doing the simple romantic things I feel the need to say: “Remember when you were watching football last Sunday and as you were taking the last swig of beer from the bottle your wife was already handing you another? Remember how that felt? It’s kinda like that.”
HH
Posted by HH | August 1, 2012, 9:13 amI think I just swooned reading this blog. *LOL*
Posted by Hellion | August 1, 2012, 7:45 am(Fanning papers over Hellion)
HH
Posted by HH | August 1, 2012, 9:13 amHere’s a post from Samantha – she was having trouble commenting this morning!
HH,
What a nice first blog! I hope your conference experience is/was great.
I think a man should treat a woman the same in public as he does in private: with respect and courtesy. My husband is also my friend, so when we are out together, we are focused on each other. He’s very funny and entertaining, and I know he feels the same about me.
I’m completely with you on wishing women knew their worth and didn’t believe a man’s bad behavior was the result of a failure on their part. I also write romance to uplift women and hopefully make them expect something more out of life. Romance certainly did that for me when I was in my 20s.
”
Posted by Carrie Spencer | August 1, 2012, 7:59 amHello Samantha!
Thanks for the kind words and I am looking forward to the conference in a couple of weeks.
You mentioned that a man should treat his woman the same in public as he does in private and I couldn’t agree more. One of the perspectives I hope I can bring to RU is as a man on the inside. I have the advantage (disadvantage?) of being around these guys when their significant others aren’t around and I’m afraid their wives, girlfriends, etc WOULD slap them upside the head if they only knew. For most men that behavior amongst themselves perpetuates itself until it causes problems in their relationship. For men like me and the husbands/boyfriends I’m learning about here it reinforces how important it is to keep ourselves in check and concentrate on the one thing we know we have… You!
Thanks again!
HH
Posted by HH | August 1, 2012, 9:19 amHi HH,
My father was a hopeless romantic. Opening doors, offering his arm to escort my mother, sending cards. He was a good dancer too. At wedding receptions, the bride would request a dance with him. Last of his breed.
Mary Jo
Posted by Mary Jo Burke | August 1, 2012, 8:03 amThanks for the comment Mary Jo.
My dad was king of the romantic gestures but not so much in the little day to day showings of romance. I think that’s part of what made me who I am. Watching as my mom wished he would do something as him not even realizing there was a problem.
The most romantic of gestures are the ones we never expect.
HH
Posted by HH | August 1, 2012, 9:22 amHH – Welcome to RU!
My hubby and I are totally irreverent, goofballs with a snarky sense of humor. Classic romance is not built into our relationship (no flowers or candy for me) but we are romantic in so many other ways. He laughs with me, stands up for me even when he knows I’m handling it, and he apologizes when he’s wrong. I try to do the same thing.
I don’t think we’ve ever stared into each other’s eyes but I’ve felt loved and cherished everyday.
Robin
Posted by Robin Covington | August 1, 2012, 8:20 amGood Morning Robin and thanks!
I loved the way you described you and your hubby. It points out that romance comes in all different variations and flowers and candy aren’t really the definition of Romance. (I’m baffled how so many people think that’s all romance is.)
And while you may not stare into each others eyes there is something everyday you each do which captures the others eye again and again. That’s romantic!
HH
Posted by HH | August 1, 2012, 9:28 amThis might be the best first date I’ve had in years. (We’ll ignore the fact it’s the only first date I’ve had in years.)
I too watch couples when I’m out and feel sad when it’s an older couple who spend thirty minutes eating together yet never talk or even make eye contact. If I ever find Mr. Right, I hope we’re still talking and enjoying ourselves for however long we have together.
As to the wondering eye thing, I say make him wear the wine then go find the girls and upgrade to margaritas.
Posted by Terri Osburn | August 1, 2012, 8:25 amHello Terri!
I too have seen the older couple you mentioned on a number of occasions and I find it sad. I’ve had conversations about those couples with others and there seems to be two schools of thought.
One is as we see it. It’s sad that they don’t truly seem to enjoy each other’s company and are just going through the motions. The other is that they are SO comfortable in the others company there is no need for conversation.
For me the second is baloney.
And yes to the wine over his head!
HH
Posted by HH | August 1, 2012, 9:39 amCrack open another bottle, HH – the evening’s not over yet! I think it’s great we have some male voices at RU now. Thanks so much for joining us!
Posted by Becke Martin Davis | August 1, 2012, 8:56 amThanks Becke!
Will gladly open another bottle but I’m afraid we can’t let Carrie catch us!
Glad to be a part of RU!
HH
Posted by HH | August 1, 2012, 9:40 amThank you for this post and reminding us that men who understand the importance of romance aren’t mythological creatures. I’m amazed at some of the simple gestures of affection that men in my critique group find “unrealistic.”
Posted by Roxanne | August 1, 2012, 8:57 amGreat to meet you, Roxanne!
I’m curious about the simple gestures you mentioned. And what the men find unrealistic.
Isn’t it ironic how simple things are lost on simple men?
HH
Posted by HH | August 1, 2012, 9:44 amWelcome aboard, HH!
I know someone who goes into a panic over what to buy his wife for her birthday, anniversary, etc. He always gives her something
very expensive and then crows about how she’s never pleased. She ends up with a diamond tennis bracelet, but he’s placating her, not romancing her. Depressing.
I agree with Mary Jo…the most romantic gestures are the ones we don’t expect. It can be a morning bun from my favorite bakery or sitting with me through a movie he can’t stand. Last year when he was out of town on V-day, he arranged for my favorite pizza to be delivered to the house. Unexpected. And in my book, that’s romantic because he made an effort.
Posted by Jennifer Tanner | August 1, 2012, 5:59 pm