Urban Fantasy author C.J. Redwine is back for another installment of our ever-popular Query Writing 101.  This month, C.J. has chosen a letter from Jennie Bryant . Thanks to C.J. and Jennie! Readers, feel free to post questions for C.J.

Dear Ms. Agent or Editor:

Before I dive into the query itself, I’m going to address the length. This clocks in at just over a page and a half. You have one page MAX. You’re going to need to do some serious tightening to whip this into shape. You need one paragraph setting up Sarah’s character, situation, and goals. One doing the same for Max. One revealing the stakes of the story and what the two must choose/do/overcome and the consequences for failure. And one very streamlined paragraph delivering the mss title, genre, wordcount, any writing credentials you have, and one pithy sentence explaining why you’re querying this agency. (If you want to. That is totally optional.) I’m going to help you cut, cut, cut. Ready? Deep breath. Here we go.
 
Thank you for accepting my manuscript sample and giving me a shot at my dream, to become a published writer. It’s a dream that captured me when I picked up my first romance novel many years ago. (All of this can go. They know it’s your dream or you wouldn’t be querying. Use the space for hooking them on your story.) Your agency represents many great, reputable and diverse works that I admire.I think you will enjoy my book, Love and Honor, a contemporary romance between a divorced mom whose life and love faces continuous threats from her past, and the honorable Air Force pilot who struggles to protect her by her side and from abroad. The manuscript is complete at 90,000 words. We can totally streamline this. For example: “LOVE AND HONOR is a contemporary romance complete at 90,000 words. I admire many of the books you represent and feel my novel would be a good fit for your list. Thank you for your time.” I suggest you move this to the end of your query and hook them on your story first. Also, admiring many of the books on their list is a pretty vague reason to query. I’d either mention something specific about the agent, or mention a couple of books that are within your genre that they represent, or leave that part out and slide your writing credentials into that space instead.

So many women dare to fall in love with the man of their dreams, only to have that dream shatter into a nightmare of physical and mental abuse. This whole paragraph needs to go. We don’t care about so many women. We care about Sarah. Let us know in her paragraph that she’s fought hard to survive and be successful in the aftermath of an abusive marriage and that will be good enough.

Sarah is one of the survivors. A thirty-three year old divorcee, she has fought for and found success in the aftermath of her own nightmare. And that success has let her build a new home and a new future for her and her daughter in the small town of Lexington, Michigan for nearly five years. However, her nightmarish past has
left her in a shell, quiet, insecure. And while single life has seemingly suited her just fine, her heart lives in a fantasy world where the “knight in shining armor” still exists. Love the last sentence. I think you can streamline the rest and make it flow better. I’d suggest you carefully read aloud your paragraphs and listen for when your punctuation choices aren’t quite giving you the rhythm you want, or when your sentences feel a bit awkward. Here’s a streamlined version of your own words:

Sarah is a survivor. At thirty-three, she’s fought for and found success in the aftermath of life with an abusive husband. Now, all she wants is to build a new future for herself and her daughter in the small town of Lexington, Michigan. Her nightmarish past, however, has left formerly confident Sarah huddled in a shell of insecurity. She pretends single life suits her just fine, but her heart lives in a fantasy world where her knight in shining armor still exists.

Use what works. Toss the rest. J

Max is a devastatingly handsome man. Of course he is. This is a romance novel. J We don’t care that he’s handsome. We care what kind of man he is. I’d avoid this cliché and give us a connection with him as a person instead.  He has(He’s … using contractions gives you a more contemporary sounding voice.) made a career out of serving his country as an Air Force fighter pilot, learning the old school ideals of hard work, chivalry, integrity, and honor along the way. That old fashioned manliness (Manliness feels like the wrong word to me. Sounds very physical, appearance/strength driven etc. That may be just me.)  blends well with a penchant for charm, wit and romance. It is (It’s) a miracle he hasn’t been caught sooner. Actually, instead of the “it’s a miracle he hasn’t been caught sooner,” let’s do a quick sentence putting him and Sarah together and causing Max to unexpectedly fall head over heels. Then your last paragraph can cover the threat to Sarah, and their response.

Call it fate, clumsiness, or just dumb luck, Sarah’s and Max’s paths keep crossing. Sometimes they cross in an hour of need. Other times they cross in the most peculiar and humorous of ways. Whichever the case, there is a magic drawing these two together that neither can deny. But like all magic, there will always be those who try to ruin the trick. Just do one sentence at the end of the previous paragraph putting these two together and having them fall in love. You don’t need the rest of this.

Sarah’s ex husband Jeff is a man of power and prestige. In his mind, the divorce from Sarah was nothing more than legality. Sarah is still his and always will be. So when Max enters the picture, Jeff reminds Sarah who she belongs to in a terrible way. The jealousy becomes even more dark and sinister when Jeff teams with Max’s divisive sister, Amber, in a fight for family inheritance. What should have been a picture perfect love story has turned into a battle to keep the love alive.  This needs some pruning too. I’d suggest one sentence about Max and Sarah barely beginning their journey towards true love when Sarah’s possessive ex attacks her. Then continue with something like “Jeff isn’t the only one who’ll stop at nothing to cause this relationship to fail.” And finish with something like “With their picture perfect love story turned into a battle to keep love alive, will Max and Sarah defeat those who threaten them and prove once and for all that true love conquers all?” Or whatever actually works for you.

I am a active member of Romance Writers of America and Dallas Area Romance Authors. I have written for a local area website called Today on The Bay,as (missing a space after that comma) an art and entertainment reporter.  I’d use this in place of the “I’m querying you because you rep diverse books” stuff.

I’d be glade (glad) to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration and I look forward to hearing from you. No need to say you’d be glad to send your mss. She knows. J Save the space and just thank her for her time.

Sincerely,

Jennie Bryant

***

Jennie, thank you again for allowing us to use your letter. Let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you. 

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday for Anatomy of the Male Mind.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. She has just a few spaces left in her July Query Workshop. To learn more, go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com.

Urban Fantasy author C.J. Redwine is back for another installment of our ever-popular Query Writing 101.  This month, C.J. has chosen a letter from Cait Donnell. Thanks to C.J. and Cait! Readers, feel free to post questions for C.J.

Dear Ms. Agent or Editor:

 Now You See It  is an 86,000 word romantic suspense novel. I suggest saving this for after the hook.

Everybody mislays things when they’re distracted, but when Gemma Cavanagh is upset, she makes them really disappear—and doesn’t know how to get them back. Excellent. Former SEAL Brady McGrath has a questionable past in Asia and links to a shadowy anti-crime task force. Besides, women tend not to stick around when they find out he can read their feelings through his touch.  Saying “besides” means you’re adding on another detail to an already stated idea, but I don’t see the connection between women not sticking around b/c of his ability and his SEAL past. This paragraph gives me basic info on Gemma and Brady’s extra abilities, but it fails to connect me with your characters. Awesome first sentence, but after that I need to have a sentence where I get to know who Gemma is. Not just her ability, but HER. What is she like? What does she do for a living? What’s her current situation/motivation/conflict? You can handle all of that in a sentence or two and then do the same for Brady and give him his own paragraph. I’m going to suggest you cut a ton of stuff from the end of this query so that will open up the space to let us CARE about your characters so that we want to keep reading.

Gemma’s estranged husband is murdered, and she becomes the obvious suspect. I suggest saying “When Gemma’s …, she becomes …” But when the killer strikes closer, Gemma and Brady have to put their extra abilities to work to find the truth—before he finds them. This sentence assumes we understand how and why Gemma and Brady somehow found each other and began working together. We’re missing some important details. Did G & B know each other before the murder? How can a killer strike closer than G’s husband? I don’t get any sense of danger to G & B here. You’ve said they have to find the truth before he finds them, but I think you need to give us a phrase or two in this paragraph delivering some chilling, creepy, OH HOLY CRAP suspense so we understand just how high the stakes really are.

Now You See It  is the first book in the Inner Edge series of novels about passion, danger and courage on the inner edge of the paranormal. The heroines and heroes all have just a little more than normal abilities, and the heroes were all at one time involved with a Team of psychic SEALs The paranormal level is similar to Kay Hooper’s Bishop series;  heat level similar to early J.D. Robb.

My technical advisors include two naval officers–one a former SEAL–and a serving police officer.

I am an active PRO member of RWA Greater Seattle, Kiss of Death, Celtic Hearts and Fantasy, Futuristic and Paranormal chapters. I have been writing all my life, and have one novel published with The Wild Rose Press Vintage Rose line under the pen name Ronit Levy, which has received reviews of 4.0 and four-and-a-half books out of five.

Now You See It is finished and ready for submission.  I have 70,000 words completed of the second book in the series, and outlines for a third and fourth, so far.

Thank you for taking time to consider my work.

From “Now You See It is the first book …” to here needs to be cut down to one very streamlined paragraph. Right now, your extra details are overshadowing your story. No one is going to request based on the extra details, but if you hook them with your story, they will. J

 I suggest something like this: Now You See It is a romantic suspense complete at 86,000 words and is the first in the Inner Edge series of novels about passion, danger and courage on the inner edge of the paranormal. I’m an active PRO member of the Greater Seattle, Kiss of Death, Celtic Hearts and Fantasy, Futuristic and Paranormal chapters of RWA. I have one novel published with The Wild Rose Press Vintage Rose line under the pen name Ronit Levy and received reviews of 4.0 and four-and-a-half books out of five. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Cáit Donnell

Thanks for submitting your query for critique. Good luck on your submissions! – C.J.

***

Cait, thank you again for allowing us to use your letter. Let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you. 

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday when author Blythe Gifford reveals how chivalry and knighthood defined a man and how he should behave.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. She has just a few spaces left in her May Query Workshop. To learn more, go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com.

Urban Fantasy author C.J. Redwine is back with our ever-popular Query Writing 101 with a letter from Jamie Balthrop McDaniel. Thanks to both C.J. and Jamie! And readers, feel free to post questions for C.J.

Prospect Agency

Emily Sylvan Kim, literary agent 

Dear Ms. Kim,

What if a wish came true and what if that wish was just a simple off handed remark? Find the answer to this question in The Highland Wish, my completed 90,000 word single title paranormal romance. (I’ve seen many agents implore writers not to start their queries with sweeping questions. Your absolute best strategy is to dive right into the story like pubs do on the back of the book blurb. And the book title, word count, genre info goes with your last paragraph. That way you can focus on hooking the agent with your story.)

While (I feel like “when” would be a better word choice here. What do you think?) freelance photographer Breanna Lewis and her twin sister Amanda go to see the ruins of an ancient castle on the shores of Loch Ness, Breanna makes an off handed wish about wanting to see the castle back in the time when it was in all its glory. (This feels really wordy. Can you streamline it to “in its original state” or something like that?) Unfortunately (comma) while trying to get that perfect shot(comma) she accidentally falls into the loch. Only to be saved from drowning by a six foot five highlander, named Gavin MacKenrick, 400 years into the past. (This isn’t a complete sentence. Fragments can work if they’re a deliberate part of the pacing of your writing. This doesn’t feel deliberate. And how does B feel about being pulled out by a huge highlander? You can work that into the sentence to give us a glimpse into her. i.e. “Unable to swim against the swiftly moving current, B is certain her number is up until a pair of strong arms yanks her out of the water and she comes face to face with a six foot five highlander named Gavin MacKenrick. Grateful to be rescued, B __fill in the blank__ but there’s a problem: Gavin is from the year 1610. And now, so is she.” Or something like that so we get a sense of adventure and possible romance.)

Okay, you’ve fallen victim to the classic query blunder here. You’ve got plot summarized, but in the interest of crunching your 90k story into a few measly paragraphs, you’ve sacrificed the Voice of your story. Voice sells the story. When I read this paragraph, I come away with the knowledge that Breanna and Amanda are twins, that they visit Loch Ness, that B wants to see the castle in its heyday, she falls in the loch, and a hunky highlander from the past rescues her. What I don’t have is any sense of your characters or the unique Voice of your manuscript. I suggest reworking this so you give us a quick phrase describing Breanna (you can describe Amanda when you deal with her search through time) and work to get the paragraph to match the pacing and Voice of your manuscript. Is your ms funny? Give the paragraph some funny moments. Is it sexy? Turn up the heat when Gavin hits the scene. Is it lyrical? Recreate that here. You get the idea.

Breanna thinks she has been sent back in time to save Gavin from being killed in an ambush at the hands of his enemy. The last thing Breanna wants is to get distracted by romance. (Wait a minute. If I fell in the Loch and got rescued only to realize I was 400 years in the past, I’d be busy panicking and wondering how on Earth I was going to ever see my family, friends, and home again. This feels like B instantly adjusts and takes it all in stride.) Gavin has become jaded by the women in King James’ court; he doesn’t trust her (Use “Breanna” instead since he was just referring to the women in the court.) but can’t fight what he feels for her. But the fates are not finished with the twins yet. (This needs to be a new paragraph. Give us a quick glimpse of who Amanda is and that she’s searching for her sister.) Amanda also finds herself lost in time trying to find her sister, but she gets more than she bargains for when she is rescued by Gavin’s chief man-at-arms Iain. (How does she get lost in time? How does she know B went back in time? Wouldn’t she just assume B drowned? What specifically happens to draw Amanda into the web of time travel? And you need to end this paragraph with a strong statement or question delivering the stakes of the novel for us. i.e. “Can the twins fulfill their destiny and find true love 400 years in the past before time runs out?” Also, if you’re going to bring Amanda into this query, be sure she has a super significant role in the story because it’s a bit diluting to have us really fall for B and G and then suddenly have to consider another pair as well. Not sure how an agent would feel about that.)

I am an active member of RWA and their local chapter in Nashville TN, MCRW. (Hey! Me too! Though I’ve been so crazy busy lately I’ve only been to one meeting in six months. *slaps own wrist* Bad C.J.) I have(delete “have”) read your interview in the RWR and felt I would be a good fit for your agency. Currently I am a freelance photography. If you would be interested in reading The Highland Wish, I would be delighted to send it to you. (This is unnecessary. The agent knows this and you need to save space so you can improve and flesh out your hook.) Thank you for your time and consideration. (Take your ms. title, word count, genre sentence and put it at the beginning of this paragraph.)

Sincerely,

Jamie Balthrop McDaniel

Thanks for submitting your query for critique. Good luck on your submissions! – C.J.

***

Jamie, thank you for allowing us to use your letter and please let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you. 

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. She has just a few spaces left in her April Query Workshop. To learn more, go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com.

Good morning, and welcome to Query Writing 101.  C.J. Redwine, has chosen Jerrie Alexander’s  letter to critique.  As always, feel free to ask questions.

Dear Ms. Agent,

 I am seeking representaion (representation) for The Green Eyed Doll, my 93,000-word Single Title Romantic Suspense manuscript.  I suggest saving this sentence for the last paragraph where you give your credentials/personal info. Jump right into the hook.

A peaceful Texas County (county isn’t capitalized) turns on itself (Why? I’d think they’d band together to fight evil.) when young green-eyed women go missing and are found dead, their lips painted red and a red bow tied around their necks. 

Catherine McCoy doesn’t stay in one place long.  She’s spent the past year reinventing herself after she killed her abusive husband.  She keeps her past a secret, moving on before the busybodies and newshounds discover her whereabouts and ruin her chances for a normal life.  She meets the sheriff in her latest stop.  He respects her independence and ignites a flame she thought lost forever.  (This paragraph is beginning to sound choppy. I think you can combine the previous two sentences to improve your pacing. i.e. When she meets the sheriff in her latest stop, however, he respects her independence and ignites a flame …) Catherine begins to believe she’s found a place to settle down and to start a new life.  She can’t bring herself to tell Matt about her past. (Join these two together as well. Varying sentence length is key to excellent flow. I’d join these like so: …a new life, but she can’t bring herself…) Keeping this secret is a mistake which will cost her dearly. Good. I understand where she’s coming from and what the stakes are for her. 

Matt Ballard left the big city after an undercover operation went bad (comma) resulting in his partner being raped and murdered.  As Sheriff of Crest County, he’s sworn to protect the people, and when young women are murdered, solving the cases becomes personal.  The fear and suspicions in his county heat up as he hunts for the killer.  Catherine, a green-eyed, redheaded beauty captures his heart, and he realizes he wants her in his life permanently.  When Matt reads the newspaper story of how she killed her husband, (suggest adding “though” here to really highlight how this secret turns him from wanting her in his life permanently to being unable to trust her.) he can’t forgive her secrets and lies.  But when she comes up missing, he fears she’s become another Green Eyed Doll. I think we need to hear this moniker earlier in relation to the killings so we have a frame of reference. i.e. “…heat up as he hunts for the killer, while victims—dubbed Green Eyed Dolls by the media—pile up in the morgue.” Or something like that. 

 You need one more short paragraph. One sentence, really, would be enough where you lay out the ultimate stakes. i.e. Can Matt track down the killer before Catherine becomes his next victim? Or whatever works for your novel.

I am an active member of my local RWA chapter and a weekly critique group.  I look forward to your response and am prepared to submit the completed manuscript upon your request.  I can be reached via e-mail at xxxx@xxxx.net or at xxx-xxx-xxxx.  Thank you for your time and consideration. Start this paragraph with the following sentence: Green Eyed Doll is a single title romantic suspense complete at 93,000 words.  

 Good job and good luck with it!

Sincerely,

Jerrie Alexander

* * *

Thank you C.J. and a special thanks to Jerrie  for allowing us to use her letter. Jerrie, please let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you.  For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday when author John Warwick Arden will explore the question “Are men capable of love?”  You don’t want to miss that one!

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. writes urban fantasy and is repped by Holly Root of Waxman Literary Agency. She teaches online query writing courses, synopsis writing courses, and offers manuscript critiques at http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com

Urban Fantasy author C.J. Redwine is back with our ever-popular Query Writing 101 with a letter from Tereasa Bellew. Thanks to both C.J. and Tereasa! And readers, feel free to post questions for C.J.

Dear XXXX

The joys of motherhood should be sweet and satisfying.  But what happens when the fairytale goes awry? (Agents often say to stay away from opening with questions unless it’s a real heart-stopper. This feels too generic to me. Plus, these two sentences lead me to believe the story is all about how motherhood went badly for your MC. After reading further, I realized it’s actually a romantic suspense. I’d cut these and dive straight into Linda’s story.) After divorcing her alcoholic husband, Linda Wheeler wants nothing more than peaceful evenings in the old-fashioned house she’d grown up in.  (Who is Linda inside? What kind of woman is she? I need a reason to connect with her and care about her story.) What she gets is another battle entirely different. (Another battle? You’ve just referenced peaceful evenings in an old-fashioned house and you didn’t say she battled for custody with her ex, so I’m not sure what this means. I think you need a transition sentence between “…she’d grown up in.” and the battle sentence. Something that shows us who she is, how she’s adjusting to the life of the newly divorced, and her hopes for her and her daughter’s future.)   Without Linda’s knowledge, teenage daughter, Jessica is exchanging letters with convicted rapist Carl Jenkins serving time in Jackson State Prison and unknowingly supplies him hope for a new life as he’s soon to paroled.  (I’d break this reveal into a separate paragraph. Devote the first paragraph to establishing Linda’s circumstances, who she is as a woman, and what she hopes for. Then slam us with this awful fact. You don’t need to bold any of your character’s names. I’d break the above into two sentences. And you need to add “be” before “paroled.”) Jessica signed all the letters with her mother’s name.  (We need a sentence here telling us what happens when Carl gets paroled so that the next paragraph happens in the correct context.)

Detective Tom Harrington will stop at nothing to return his sister’s rapist behind bars.  (Either indent each paragraph or put an extra space between each to set them off.) And finding the author of those encouraging love letters is just the place to start.  But he’s unprepared for the growing attraction and fierce need to keep her safe. (We need a sentence before this showing that Tom is focused on the mission…using Linda as bait or whatever he wants to do. Then this sentence carries more power because we see he’s changing his priorities as he starts to fall for her. And when you say “keep her safe” you need to say “Linda” because the true author is Jessica and having Tom determined to keep the author safe could mean Jessica.) I’m an active member of Romance Writer’s of America and my local chapter, Mid-Michigan RWA. (This sentence begins a new paragraph.) I’ve had short stories published in “A Hint of Seduction” and (delete and use a comma to complete the list) “Woman for Woman” and “Romantic Short Love Stories,” as well as articles published in romance newsletters associated with RWA.

Letters From Inside is complete at 70,000 words and available at your request.  (This sentence needs to be the beginning of your writing stats paragraph. And you need genre. Suggest revising to read “Letters From Inside is a romantic suspense complete at 70,000 words.” You don’t have to say it’s available because that’s a given.) I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks for submitting your query for critique. Good luck on your submissions! – C.J.

***

Tereasa, thank you for allowing us to use your letter and please let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you. 

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. writes urban fantasy and is repped by Holly Root of Waxman Literary Agency. She teaches online query writing courses, synopsis writing courses, and offers manuscript critiques at http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com

Good morning, and welcome to Query Writing 101.  Our resident query guru, C.J. Redwine, has chosen Cynthia Arends’s letter to critique.  As always, feel free to ask questions.

Agent or Editor

XYZ Agency

1234 Publisher Way

New York, NY 10022

Dear Agent or Editor:

Killer new haircut? $50.00… Creepy antique chest? $100.00… Unleashing Hell on Earth? Priceless! As an intro, this is awesomesauce with a side of WIN. Great attention-getter. I instantly hear your Voice and want to keep reading. My only suggestion is to delete the ellipses. Those are only used to indicate a pause between a speaker’s words or to show a speaker (or narrator) is trailing off into silence.

Beautician Lucia Gregory has a serious problem. Who knew opening an antique chest would unleash Hell’s minions? Then again, when the chest is labeled Arca Infernorum, she should’ve known better. Strange things happen the moment it’s opened. Mirrors implode and shampoo bowls explode. (I’m having a bit of trouble with reading this sentence comfortably. I think it’s the similarity in sound to “implode” and “explode.” Suggest changing one to “shatter” or something along those lines.) But that’s not all! (Forgive me, but this sentence, complete with exclamation point, sounds like an infomercial. Exclamation points should be used with extreme caution, anyway. How about something like “Worse, she turns into …” or “However, the destruction of her shop is the least of her problems.”) Overnight, she turns into a sexpot. Men, including her gay coworkers, throw themselves at her feet. Only one man is immune—Rafael Deleon, a broodingly sexy man who says he’s a demon. He’s everything she’s avoided—icy and reserved—but that only adds to his mysterious appeal. Overall, great paragraph.

As a demon protector of Limbo, Rafael is sent to retrieve the chest before it’s opened. He’s too late. Hell is unleashed in the most unlikely of places, a suburban hair salon. What’s worse—Lucy, a beautiful half-succubus, has no idea about (suggest deleting “about”) the power she possesses. Being a demon, he should be able to resist her charms. That resistance is slipping right when he needs it most.

When an evil demon arrives to stake his claim (On what? The chest? Or Lucy?), Rafe is determined to protect Lucy, who’d rather go into battle with guns blazing and daggers zinging.(Than what? Sit back and let Rafe protect her? And how did a beautician learn how to use guns and daggers in a battle?) Sparks fly as they fight their growing attraction. Will they admit they need each other before it’s too late? (I think you need a more specific “stake” here. What will happen if they’re too late?)

SUCCUBUS UNLEASHED, complete at 105,000 words, is the first the Demons Unleashed series of single title humorous paranormal romances and has placed in several RWA contests. I am an active member of Romance Writers of America, a local chapter, and several special interest chapters. My first novel, Wings of Desire, a fantasy erotic romance written under the name Arianna Skye, will be released in February by Eternal Press. Currently, I am plotting the sequel to Succubus Unleashed, with two other novels in the works. I appreciate your time and consideration. Excellent stats paragraph. Fantastic query overall. One more re-write and I think the requests will come pouring in. Nice job.

Respectfully,

Cynthia Arends (w/a Sidney Ayers)

* * *

Thank you C.J. and a special thanks to Cynthia for allowing us to use her letter. Cynthia, please, let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you.  For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join Kelsey  on Wednesday for Part II of Thigh, Breast or Wing and go below to waist to find out what turns men on and off!

RU Crew, CJ has generously critiqued Kathleen Thigpen’s query letter. Let’s see what we can learn from her assessment. As always, feel free to ask questions!

Submissions
PO Box xx
Zxxxxx, XX 12534

Dear Sir/Madame:

I read on your website that your agency is actively acquiring contemporary women’s fiction. I would like to invite you to review my completed 82,000 word count novel, A Lasting Legacy. Your best bet is to start immediately with your main character and launch into a back-of-the-book type blurb/hook. Save the word count, title, and genre for the last paragraph.

When Dr. Cassandra Brownley, a shy, sensible high school principal, accepts a consulting project with a prestigious church, she is caught between two opinions regarding the project’s leader. The Rev. Dr. Finus Gideon Gates is pompous and condescending from the pulpit and she can’t stand him. Away from church he’s witty, warm and wonderful. Can she love him; except on Sunday? Semi colons are generally considered a less contemporary form of punctuation now. (Who knew certain punctuation marks could be trendy?) I’d use an em dash instead. Nice job giving us both characters in a nutshell. My only question is this—have you given us the sum total of the stakes in your novel? Is the only lingering question whether Cassandra can love the two sides of Dr. Gates? Does he have anything at stake here? Does he have to grow and change at all?

I am an active member of the Windy City Chapter of RWA, where I serve as the Assistant Newsletter Editor. My writing experience includes writing corporate training materials and quarterly articles for the Windy City newsletter, “Blowing Kisses”. Great stats paragraph. I’d make the first sentence A LASTING LEGACY is a contemporary women’s fiction complete at 82,000 words.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Kathleen Thigpen

Thank you CJ and a special thanks to Kathleen for allowing us to use her letter.  Kathleen, let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you.  For our readers, if you have a letter you would like CJ to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send the letter to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   CJ will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday when Wayne Levine will discuss wounded men in another installment of “Wayne Wednesay.”

CJ’s bio:

C.J. Redwine fears goats, loves stilettos and frequently lets her imagination run away with her. She writes edgy urban fantasy with a side of comic relief. You can learn more about her at www.cjredwine.blogspot.com and read samples of her writing, which is full of imagination and the occasional stiletto but is noticeably lacking in goats.

Want to learn how to write an amazing query letter? Need C.J. to comb through your query with a fine-tooth comb until you get it just right? Registration for her next online query workshop is open until October 10th. Go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com/ for more info.

Welcome to our first edition of Query Writing 101 where Urban fantasy writer CJ Redwine will help one lucky reader craft a winning query letter.  Let’s get right to it.

Our first letter comes from Jeane Daley.   CJ’s comments are in bold. 

LOOKING FOR JIMMY STEWART – WC 60,000 Contemporary Romance

This is a novel about the journey toward self-discovery and the relationship that often dictates the path one travels in pursuit of love and happiness.

[If these first two sentences are intended to be included as part of your query—don’t. You want to start with a compelling “back of the book” blurb to hook the agent. Then in your last paragraph you give the novel’s title, genre, and word count along with any relevant writing credentials. The second sentence is you “telling” in over-used, vague terminology what your story is about. It’s best to “show” the agent instead by writing a compelling hook that showcases your novel well. If you start with vague generalities, an agent may assume your manuscript contains the same.]

The old adage: ‘Bad things happen in three’s is right on the mark when flight attendant ALEXANDRA TEMPERLY, {ANDI}, loses her dream job, savings, and fiancée.

Looking for a fresh start and a simpler lifestyle she moves back home to Fairport. She soon realizes her basic job skills aren’t opening any doors for her and returns to school.

In the throws of all of Andi’s troubles, one night she attempts to unwind by watching a Jimmy Stewart flick. Without warning, the outside security lights flash on and she discovers a stranger in her yard, supposedly searching for a missing cat. The cat person turns out to be her neighbor’s nephew.

[These first three paragraphs read like a plot synopsis instead of a hook. Give us Andi. Help the reader instantly connect with her. If the reader doesn’t care about Andi, why would we care what happens to her? You can do this by saying something like “Andi Temperly—adventure-seeker extraordinaire—has everything she ever wanted. A dream job as a flight attendant where new experiences are the order of the day, a nest egg built up for the future, and an engagement to the man of her dreams. When _______ rips it all away from her, Andi has little choice but to give up her quest for adventure and head back home to the small town of Fairport where she struggles just to make ends meet.” I made up the adventure-seeker bit to use as an example so you could see how you can give us her personality and make the plot details relevant to her and, by extension, to your reader. We don’t need the extra details about going back to school or even the instance of watching a JS movie to relax. I realize it ties in to your title, but it’s not helping your hook.]

[Now that you have a solid paragraph for Andi, you need to introduce us to Jack. “Jack ____ is running from love. Hiding from ______ in his uncle’s house in Fairview, Jack wants nothing more than to _______________. When he accidentally trespasses on his neighbor’s lawn and meets the lovely Andi, fate throws him a second chance at love.” Clearly, I’m taking liberties here just to give you an example. Feel free to do with it what you will.]

Both ANDI and JACK have good reasons to hide from love, but once they meet they find even more reason to embrace it. Fate in the form of a JIMMY STEWART movie steps in and turns their lives around. Sparks fly, as their romance escalates into a roller coaster ride; spine tingling, unpredictable, terrifying and filled with incredible happiness. ANDI and JACK discover that love can make everything worthwhile. A future filled with hope, happiness and the certainty that trusting love is the best choice of all.

[Instead of giving us the ending, leave us wanting to know the ending. That’s how you hook readers. All you need here is a call to action or a question clearly laying out the stakes involved. i.e. “Will the pain of their pasts keep Andi and Jack from trying love again? Or will they discover that love can be the greatest adventure of all?” Something like that. That’s your whole paragraph.]

A little about myself – For several years I had the fun of writing a Humor Column for several local newspapers, and have sold several short stories to The Providence Journal. An active member of the Romance Writers of America, and From the Heart Critique Group.

[The beginning of this paragraph is where you say “Looking For Jimmy Stewart is a contemporary romance complete at 60,000 words.” Get rid of the “a little about myself” and jump right into “For several years…” Also, make your last sentence a complete sentence by adding a subject.]

My completed manuscript is available upon request. I appreciate your time.

Sincerely,

Jeane Daly

[Additional formatting issues: You’ll want to use either Times New Roman or Courier New font as those are the acceptable fonts within the publishing industry. Also, ditch the all caps thing for names. I’ve seen that work in a synopsis, but not in a query. Finally, don’t use bold font. Just go with regular. Good luck with your submissions!]

 Thank you CJ and a special thanks to Jeane for allowing us to use her letter.  Jeane, let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you.  For our readers, if you have a letter you would like CJ to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send the letter to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   CJ will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday when Tracey will present part one of Internet vs. Traditional Dating–One Woman’s Perspective.

CJ’s bio:

C.J. Redwine fears goats, loves stilettos and frequently lets her imagination run away with her. She writes edgy urban fantasy with a side of comic relief. You can learn more about her at www.cjredwine.blogspot.com and read samples of her writing, which is full of imagination and the occasional stiletto but is noticeably lacking in goats.

Want to learn how to write an amazing query letter? Need C.J. to comb through your query with a fine-tooth comb until you get it just right? Registration for her next online query workshop is open until October 10th. Go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com/ for more info.