Romance University » Wayne Wednesday

Wayne Wednesday: Men’s Fantasies

KelseyBrowning — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 05:01:17 +0000

RU crew, we’re starting today’s lecture with a warning: You are entering the man zone. As we know, the man zone’s not always pretty or palatable, kind of like those nasty gym socks you find peeking out from beneath the bed. You can’t stand to pick them up with your bare hands, yet you can’t ignore them either.

Wayne Levine chatted with some men about a very sensitive topic, whether or not they fantasize about other women while they’re intimate with their significant others. If you’re easily offended by

either the truth or crude language, today’s lecture may not be for you. However, for me the topic is like a train wreck—wrenching—yet I’m absolutely unable to look away.

Here’s Wayne…

This month I’m playing the role of middleman. Adrienne asked some male friends whether they fantasized about other women during sex. Being the bright men that they are, they either: refused to answer, danced as fast as they could, or benefited from some well-timed distractions or natural disasters.

And so, the RU ladies came to me. That’s my business. You come to me for the hard-to-get stuff, the info others haven’t the cojones to handle. This job takes real men…and real confidentiality.

Now, I have a wife. She can read. Though she’s not so interested in following my every word—after almost 30 years—with my luck, she’d read this. So I’ll just moderate this one.

I posed the question to the men of our BetterMen Community. Below you’ll find their responses. Perhaps next month we can find out whether you women fake orgasm with your significant other. And if so, when and why?

Men, it’s all yours:

The question: Have you fantasized about other women while having sex with your wife or significant other? Tell us what or who you fantasized about and why. Also, do you have any feelings, positive/negative/neutral about having done so?

Man #1: I always fantasize about another sexy women while having sex with my wife. She could be a girlfriend, or her girlfriend, or just someone that I had recently come in contact with. Could just be a 30-second chat at the grocery store.

Anyways, we had a few sessions with a Pilates instructor who she [my wife] knows and we discussed wanting to have a threesome with her, but never did. However, I’ve had plenty of fantasies about it while we’re doing what we do.

Man #2: This is an easy one!

After having sex with the same woman for a while, it’s the fantasy of that hot chick that you saw earlier that day or week that keeps us going, especially while getting a blowjob!

I believe men weren’t built to just have sex with one woman for long extended periods of time. But that’s what our society has deemed to be the proper relationship with a woman.

If it weren’t for the fantasy of fucking that other woman while fucking your partner, I sincerely believe that the majority of men would stop fucking all together, especially those married to out of shape, unattractive women! Although, I’m not suggesting sex with your partner can’t be intimate from time to time. I do believe those intimate occasions are sparked by either an event that brought the couples closer together for a period, or as a man, you feel your partner may not be into you any longer and you want to reconnect with her. Otherwise, most of us are fucking our fantasy women while having sex with our partners.

Man #3: Yes, I do this, but not very often, maybe 5%-10% of the time. For me it tends to be someone I know that I fantasize about, not a random person that I saw that day. Can’t really say why. It is not always someone who is really hot. I think it is more about the thought of something different that is exciting. My feelings are neutral. I think it is pretty normal, I don’t obsess over it, and I still have fun times with the wife.

Man #4: I have done it few times, and only when I have the hots for another women in our circle of friends (usually married, untouchable women). That’s the closest I can get to those women without taking any risk. My feelings are neutral and my curiosity to hear these fantasy women moaning and reacting to the pleasures of my lovemaking still remains. I have to watch out not to mentioned their names during sex.

Man #5: If I need to I do it. Not too often because it distracts from the intimacy, but sometimes you just need to get the job done.

And then there’s this:

Man #6: I do not fantasize about other woman while having sex with my wife. In fact, it’s wild considering our very healthy physical life (or maybe that’s why)…any sexual fantasizing I do is about her. Maybe our situation is unique.

Man #7: At first I thought not to respond – just too busy and not interested. Well, after reading a number of responses to Wayne’s question, I thought is was time someone should weigh in on the other side. I do not use fantasies of other women when making love to my woman. I have chosen (it is a choice, not a “falling into”) to love my wife and am turned on by our intimacy. While the “physical” stuff is part of it – the far greater portion of the “turn on” is intimacy – the love I have for this woman. And, in fact, when an occasion arises (no pun intended) that I choose to masturbate, the fantasies of my wife are a far bigger turn on than a Penthouse girl – a Penthouse girl may be interesting, but it is the thoughts of my wife and how I feel when we make love that is most stimulating.!!!

So…, I do not relate to most of the comments from the men. I do believe most guys “have it all wrong.” I am 67 and my wife is 70 and I have had the best sex of my life in the last 10 years. My wife is dying of cancer, so the sexual part of our marriage has declined in the last months, and we are entering a new phase of our relationship. But my memory of our lovemaking will stay with me.

Thank you, men.

***

Whew, I’ll admit this was an intense one today! And I’m not completely sure which question to pose to our readers. So maybe some general reactions to the topic? And do you want to know if your guy fantasizes about others while in bed with you?

Join us Thursday when Jeannie Ruesch of Will Design for Chocolate returns for the final lesson on websites. This installment concentrates on multi-published authors and what they can add to a website to enhance the experience and connection with readers. On Friday, Theresa Stevens helps us ground flying body parts.

Wayne’s Bio:

Wayne M. Levine, M.A. is the director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, CA, where he coaches and mentors men, and facilitates men’s groups. He also created the BetterMen Retreats for men, and for fathers and sons. In addition, Wayne is the founder of BetterMen.org, a life coaching and mentoring resource for men.

Wayne’s interest in men’s issues began in the early ‘90s with his participation in men’s work activities. His experiences with men’s groups, as a participant, leader and program developer, taught Wayne to “father” men and to support them in making difficult and important changes in their lives.

He earned his Master’s in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University/Los Angeles. Wayne also received his BA in journalism and graduated Magna Cum Laude and Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Southern California.

Wayne’s been married to his first and only wife, Ria, for over 25 years and is the proud daddy of Emma, Austin and the family’s menagerie of animals. Wayne strives to be a better man, husband and father each day in Oak Park, CA.

Wayne Wednesday: How Much Do You Really Need and Want to Know?

AdrienneGiordano — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 05:01:39 +0000

Today, Wayne Levine gives his thoughts on why women don’t want to know what a man is thinking. As usual, feel free to give your opinion in the comments.

Happy Wednesday, Wayne!

Last month we scratched the surface. Now, let’s dive in, shall we?

Some of you believe that one necessary component of a healthy, loving relationship is full disclosure. There should be no secrets, nothing withheld. For you, that’s trust. Hmmmm.

I’d suggest that trust is not needing to know everything. Trusting your man should not require that you be apprised of his every move, thought, fear, dream, or shadowy contemplation.

Well, I trust I have your attention.

Do you have any idea what darkness resides in the psyche of your man? I’ve been working with all kinds of men for a long time. I’ve learned a thing or two. First, we all contemplate some awful shit. Second, it looks very similar from man to man.

When we’re drowning in our little boy, anything you do can cause us to want to hit you, kill you, divorce you, and lord knows what else—not that most of us would actually follow through, thank goodness. Are you suggesting that you’d like to have a pleasant little sit down with your man about these thoughts emanating from the darkest recesses of his tortured imagination?

With many hundreds of hours of couples counseling under my belt, I suggest that much of this information, this process, is not a healthy sort of content for couples. For many women, it’s very difficult to fathom the depths of their man’s pain, rage, doubt, and fear. The interaction can activate her insecurities and cause more chaos than ever imagined.

That’s why I run men’s groups. That’s why it’s so important for men to have other men to talk with. Together, we compare notes, dig beneath the darkness to discover what’s really going on, what we feel, what hurts, and what needs to be healed or changed. When we talk about it amongst ourselves, we can say whatever we want, whatever comes up, without fear of hurting the women we love.

The generally accepted premise of couples counseling is that a safe place is created so that both parties can share whatever is on their minds, knowing that the counselor will mediate and help you find the lessons within. Men instinctively know that this is utter bullshit.

If he tells you, within a counseling session, the ugliest thought he has about you when he is at his darkest, how long do you think it’ll take for you to forget what he said? Precisely. That’s why couples counseling has its place, but it’s certainly not a place where a man can unleash without considerable potential for long-term damage. I encourage men to go to couples counseling if their wives request. But I advise them to remember that their deep, personal work should be done with the men. Why, because we love our women, want to protect our women, and want to do everything possible to have wonderful relationships.

I’ve found that healthy, secure women understand these differences between themselves and their men. They appreciate their men having a place to go, to grow, and to be better men, husbands and fathers. Isn’t that what you REALLY want?

OK, that oughta shake a few trees. Laissez les bon temps roulez!

***

Okay, RUers have at it!

Thank you to Wayne for another thought-provoking post.

Be sure to join us Friday when author Ann Charles discusses building a platform before publication.

Wayne’s Bio:

Wayne Wednesday: When Men Cheat, Should They Confess?

KelseyBrowning — Wed, 12 May 2010 05:01:20 +0000

Today, Wayne Levine gives his thoughts on how a man should handle confessing (or not) a one-night stand. His answer may surprise you, so feel free to give your opinion in the comments.

Happy Wednesday, Wayne!

Man’s Question: I am a married man and a musician. Traveling with my band takes me away from home for weeks at a time. Some of the men in the band are single, some married. There are usually girls hanging around after our shows who are more than willing to go back to our rooms with us, or simply “take care of us” in the parking lot. Most of the band members partake occasionally. I have been on the road for a long time. Since getting married, five years ago, I have never been unfaithful. A few weeks ago, I slipped. I allowed a girl to give me a blowjob in my car. I felt like an idiot. Then the guilt started to weigh me down. I felt terrible. I could not sleep. I decided to call my wife to tell her about it and to promise that it would never happen again. I think I made a mistake in calling her. She is so upset. We have not spoken in days. She refuses to answer the phone. I am over a thousand miles away with two more weeks on the road. I am going out of my mind. What can I do to repair this?

Wayne’s Answer: This is why we have men in our lives. There are times when we need to talk things through to discover the best course of action. Left to our own counsel, our guilt, fears and doubt will usually send us down the wrong path. And, I’m afraid, that’s what happened in this case.

You’re right, you made a mistake by calling your wife from the road. If you had talked it through before, you would have realized that no good could have possibly come out of talking with her over the phone about your indiscretion. This is a classic case of allowing your ego to come before your commitment…twice.

First, you engaged with your groupie (ego) without thinking about your commitment to your wife. Then, you were so focused on how badly you felt (ego) you again neglected to fully consider your commitment to your wife.

If you had put your commitment (marriage, relationship) before your ego (what I want, how I feel) you would have spared your wife the anguish of having to hear—long distance— that her husband has cheated on her. You might have said something like, “But all that happened was a blowjob, honey.” But it doesn’t matter. She’ll think what she thinks, imagine what she’ll imagine, and feel how she’ll feel. Once that genie is out of the bottle, you can’t put it back.

First, let’s have a short discussion about screwing around and telling our women about it. Then we’ll get back to cleaning up your mess.

There are some things she doesn’t need to know. For instance, if you had an encounter like you described, or even a more involved affair with a woman, but have decided that it was a mistake and that you would never do it again, what possible benefit would there be in telling the woman you love, hurting her, and damaging the trust between you?

Now, some would argue that you’re no longer trustworthy and that she has a right to know “what kind of man she’s married to.” Well, you might have been a jerk. You’re not perfect. But are you not trustworthy? That’s something for you to decide. I believe that if you’re involved with something that is lacking in integrity, you ought to seek out some help and guidance to understand what was behind your actions. Otherwise, you’re likely to repeat them.

If you stray and then come to your senses, your primary concern will likely be for your woman and relationship. You may think, “it’s better for me to tell her rather than allowing her to find out from someone else.” This is where it gets interesting.

So, is this a case of only tell her if you think you’re gonna get caught?

If you’re on the road, let it stay on the road. Why hurt her? If it’s close to home, and you were stupid enough to get involved with someone in your social circle (and I can’t tell you how many of those men I’ve spoken with), then you have a tough choice to make. This same difficult decision faces men who have had affairs with women who are likely to contact the missus simply out of revenge.

In these cases, I think it’s absolutely necessary, first, to seek out some help. Get crystal clear about your intentions and your commitment to your wife and family. If you have a reasonable fear that she will be made aware of your actions, it’s best to let her know. But how to do that will depend on the two of you, and the strength of your relationship. That’s why you have to seek the guidance of a counselor or men you trust.

Once you tell her, you’ll have to be committed to seeing the process through. And you really have no idea what that will look like ahead of time. Wounds take various amounts of time to heal. But if you love her, you’ll want to do whatever is necessary. But it’s critical that you do so without compromising your terms.

For instance, one man I worked with was convinced by his wife that the only way she would trust him again was if he eliminated all private email addresses. She wanted full access to his communications. That also meant full access to all work-related communications. He agreed to it. I told him that he was setting himself up for failure.

I suggested that it wouldn’t be long before he resented her for agreeing to that condition. He wanted to earn back her trust. But he had to find a way to do so without compromising what was important to him, i.e., like a little privacy. Furthermore, if he allowed her to dictate how he would behave as a man—because he’s guilt-ridden and she’s furious— not only would she not learn to trust him again, she would never again respect him.

So, back to repairing your marriage. What’s done is done. She’ll trust you again when she’s ready. Here’s what I would suggest. Send her a card. Tell her again that you’re committed to her, that you’ve learned a valuable lesson, and that you never intend to betray your relationship or her trust again. Then, make no more calls home. Wait until you see her.

When you see her, she’ll dictate what happens next. The most important thing for you to remember is to not go home with your tail between your legs. You have to be the rock. You have to be strong. She has to receive the message that you are there for her and that’s it! You’ve already apologized on the phone and in your note. No more apologies are necessary. I repeat, no more apologies. This is where most men fail because many women will continuously bring up the subject, and the men think that the way to make it disappear is to apologize, yet again. It doesn’t work.

You owe it to her to listen to her when she’s telling you about her pain. You can assure her that your philandering days are over. But no more apologies. This doesn’t mean you’re insensitive. But if you want to rebuild your relationship, you can’t crawl back as the man you want to be. You’ll have to stand tall. A man takes full responsibility for his actions, and then focuses on solutions. In this case, part of the solution is listening, the other part is learning.

If she wants to go to couples counseling, go. But make sure you do your work elsewhere, with a circle of men or a competent male counselor. Eventually, if your relationship is strong, you’ll move on and find ways to grow closer. If this incident destroys the relationship, you’ll have learned a great deal that you can take with you into your next relationship.

***

Okay, RUers…what do you think about Wayne’s advice to this man? Do you think his answer would/should be different if he were addressing a woman? Chime in!

Be sure to join us Friday when aspiring author Sally Bayless kicks off a series of lectures on how she’s tackling her writing.

Wayne’s Bio:

Wayne Wednesday: On the Ropes with the Men

TraceyDevlyn — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 05:01:09 +0000

Today, Wayne Levine reveals how a ropes course can help guys become better men. I’ve never participated in a teams and ropes course before, but I’ve seen them in action. They’re an amazing and effective way to build communication and trust amongst a group. Let’s hear how Wayne used this amazing device to help his guys.

Here’s Wayne!

BetterMen recently held a ropes course event for men at a retreat site in the mountains near Santa Barbara, CA. For those of you who have never participated in a ropes course, I’ll quickly fill you in.

In a typical ropes experience, your group—whether it’s a corporate team, youth group, couples, father/sons, service organization, etc.—will do “low” ropes in the morning and “high ropes” in the afternoon.

The low ropes work consists of fun ice breakers and team building activities either on the ground or requiring some balancing and team effort just slightly off the ground. These exercises warm you up, begin the bonding process and prepare you for the heights ahead.

The high ropes work will take you up about 30 feet. Though you’re harnessed in and connected to a rope, completely safe and secure, and supported by trained professionals and the members of your group, one can still face great fears when climbing a telephone pole and leaping for a trapeze bar (the “leap of faith”), leaping from a 40-ft. tower on a zip line, or making your way along a 30-ft wire with a partner…and a prayer.

The experience is intended to teach you about you, about your fears and doubt, when and where you quit, how to overcome barriers, and what you are capable of achieving. The ropes are a metaphor for life. It’s exhilarating and often a transformational experience. I recommend it.

But our men’s ropes event turned out to be far more than just the ropes…by design. We had a group of men, some who have participated in our events, some friends of our graduates. Some were familiar with my somewhat confrontational approach to becoming the man you want to be, some were in for a surprise.

We arrived Saturday afternoon. Our plan was to play, eat, and then gather around the fire for a little “men’s work.” The next day we’d attack the ropes. What ultimately occurred at that fire, was, for some, far more challenging, uncomfortable but equally as valuable as Sunday’s main event.

Though I won’t reveal specifics—honoring confidentiality—I can tell you that we asked a lot of questions, challenged initial responses, confronted “good little boy” behaviors, and ripped away the masks that keep men from connecting with each other, from complete honesty, from true authenticity.

Though these situations can create moments of defensiveness, extreme discomfort, sadness, anger and grief, when facilitated properly and supported by courageous men, these moments ultimately produce tremendous opportunities for emotional breakthroughs, for relationships to strengthen, and for critical lessons to be learned.

And that’s exactly what happened. Though it was a bit messy that night (as it often is), the next morning we worked through the leftover and unresolved feelings to arrive at a place where the men experienced what’s possible when we are committed to the truth about ourselves and others, working through issues until resolved, and trusting the wisdom of the men to shepherd us through the process.

From reports I received following the weekend, it was clear that our time together was a leaping off point for many of the men to further learn about what keeps them from being the men, fathers and husbands they really want to be. My hope is that the conversations, introspection, relationships, and progress will continue.

This is one of the many things we men do to try to show up better and more successfully in our lives. My belief is that it doesn’t really matter what you do, just that you engage in the process and make a life-long commitment to being a better man, more in balance, compassionate and understanding.

RU Crew, have any of you ever participated in a ropes and teams course? What did you get out of it? Do you think your husband/significant other would benefit from such a program?

Be sure to join us Friday when Managing Editor Theresa Stevens begins her five part lecture series on writing effective sentences. Come learn grammar techniques from the best!

Wayne’s Bio:

Wayne Wednesday: My History with My Woman

KelseyBrowning — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 05:09:03 +0000

Today, Wayne Levine shares with us some of his personal relationship history with his wife. I found it fascinating and motivating. Maybe I should take the time to jog my memory and write something about the start of my relationship with my husband, assuming my memory will cooperate!

Here’s Wayne!

Since March is Women’s History Month, I thought I would honor my woman and the history we’ve shared together.

Ria and I met in 1980, when I was 19, with long hair and torn jeans. I transferred into her class on the second week of school. She watched as I spoke with the professor. Having learned to appreciate the pleasures of having a “project” from her creative and adventurous mother, Ria thought to herself, “I can do something with that.”

Besides cute and petite, I could tell she was smart. That’s why I would glance over, from time to time, to see what she had written…on her tests. You see, I was pretty smart, too. We began to talk a bit, the two of us, and a few others in class. We became friendly classmates. Naturally, I thought she’d like to go out with me. So I asked. She said “no.”

What Ria didn’t know at the time was that I had learned to never take “no” for an answer. Having been somewhat unsupervised for most of my childhood, I learned “on the streets” that there was always an angle, always a way to “yes.”

I tried again. She said I was “too young for her, not worldly enough.” She must have really enjoyed playing with me, like a cat with a trapped mouse. I was younger, that was true. But “unworldly?” Ha! Eventually, I wore her down.

I had two tickets to Benny Goodman and His Classical Trio. She had a car. She came to pick me up at my apartment. She was early. I was half-dressed, ironing my shirt. She liked that, a lot. I’m referring to the ironing. Turns out, she was quite the domestic. You never know what excites a woman. That’s why we men have to pay attention. They’re not all alike!

Her car was a ‘62 Fiat 1100 with suicide doors. Awesome. We laughed. I mean we laughed all evening. What a night. She drove me home. After I kissed her goodnight, she patted my shoulder as I exited the car. (Now, she claims she was actually pushing me out of the car. Revisionist history, as far as I’m concerned.) That pat sealed the deal. I knew I would marry this girl. I wrote a letter to myself that night stating just that. Three years later, to the day, we opened that letter on our wedding night.

I was a boy when we met. She stood by my side as I clumsily made my way toward adulthood. Despite the curve balls I’ve thrown at her (though at the time they always felt like the curve balls life was throwing at me), she never wavered. I mean NEVER.

Through raising two kids, changing careers, starting businesses, caring for aging parents, having money, not having money, growing up, getting older, foolish schemes, hospital visits, old pain, doubt and fear, and a lot of rescued animals, my wife has taught me the meaning of unconditional love.

She’s always cared about me, always wanted me to be happy, always believed in me (though I often doubted myself), always made me feel like I was better than I knew I really was. She taught me what a strong, loving marriage looks like. She had the patience and faith that I would become the husband and father she had imagined I could be, as I walked into that classroom and became…her biggest “project.”

Twenty-nine years later, my history with Ria has taught me much of what I know and teach about long-term committed relationships. Now, as I guide men through their relationships, help them to understand themselves and their women, and inspire them to believe that there’re better than they think they are, it’s my history with my woman that guides me.

Ladies, I hope you do for your man what mine has done for me. And men, I recommend you make an effort to honor your history with your woman this month…and every month.

RU Crew, tell us a little about your history with your significant other. Who was the instigator in your relationship and how has your relationship changed since you first met?

Be sure to join us Friday when author Kristan Higgins chats with us about the author/editor relationship after a book sale.

Wayne’s Bio:

Wayne Wednesday: When Men Argue

TraceyDevlyn — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 05:01:38 +0000

Welcome to Anatomy of the Male Mind a.k.a. Wayne Wednesday. Today, Wayne’s going to touch on what it means to a relationship when men argue.

Take it away, Wayne!

First, it takes two to have an argument. So, if he’s arguing, she has to be arguing, as well.

Let’s be clear about what we’re talking about. We’re not talking about being obstinate, angry, or shouting. That’s something he can do on his own. To argue, you both have to participate. So when we talk about arguing, we’re talking not just about men, but women as well.

So why do we argue? What are we trying to accomplish? To be right, to be heard, to make someone else wrong, to defend, to attack, to deflect, to skirt responsibility, and when it’s just not fair, to name but a few reasons.

We also argue to gain greater intimacy, believe it or not. For those who grew up in highly dysfunctional, hell-raising homes, arguing was the closest thing to true intimacy they may have experienced. Later, these wounded souls bring that distorted form of intimacy to their new homes and relationships.

So, what actually happens in that moment, that nanosecond, right before someone decides to dig in and argue? In that fraction of a second there are more actions and reactions taking place—at the speed of light— than one could hardly imagine.

For instance, a man may hear his mother’s voice—in his wife’s tone—scolding him. Well, the truth is, he often hears his mother’s voice coming out of his wife’s mouth. You know it. You can sense it with every fiber. However, he’s usually unconscious to it. He just reacts.

And to be fair, he sometimes hears his father’s voice, as well, emanating from the little lady.

When we’re hearing the voices of our parents, or other critical voices from our past, we’re not in the moment. And I would suggest that whenever we’re arguing, we’re not truly in the moment. We’re reacting to something else, someplace else. We feel powerless and under attack. Though we’re probably not at risk, we behave as if we are. What moment are we in?

When we argue we’re in our pain and ego. We’re living in the past. But when our commitment is before our ego, we (men) are more concerned with our women and the health of our relationship, than with making our goddamn point. Make sense?

The solution comes right out of my book. We need to listen and we need to express ourselves without defending. Easier said than done.

But I can tell you, after having worked on my dysfunctional self for nearly 20 years, once we start paying attention to what’s actually going on in that nanosecond before we engage in an argument, we begin to consciously make new choices. Slowly, we build muscle and are eventually able to be in the moment, and participate in a discussion (or just listen) where once an argument would have taken place.

If any of you RUers have any contrary thoughts about this post, I’ll be happy to listen…without arguing.

* * *

RU Readers, are you in the moment when you argue with your significant other, or someplace else?

Be sure to stop back on Friday when author Nicole North teaches us the down and dirty of writing hot love scenes.

Wayne’s Bio:
Wayne M. Levine, M.A. is the director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, CA, where he coaches and mentors men, and facilitates men’s groups. He also created the BetterMen Retreats for men, and for fathers and sons. In addition, Wayne is the founder of BetterMen.org, a life coaching and mentoring resource for men.

Wayne Wednesday: Moms and their Sons

AdrienneGiordano — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 05:01:19 +0000

Good morning and welcome to Wayne Wednesday. Last month Wayne’s post touched on how fathers can help a boy’s emotional well-being. But what about the moms? How can a boy’s mother help him to grow into a better man? We asked Wayne for a few tips on this topic.

Take it away, Wayne!

Adrienne: We’ve talked about fathers spending time with their sons in order to raise happy, healthy boys. What can moms do?

Wayne: Like dads, moms have the opportunity to teach their sons life’s most important lessons about values, ethics, integrity, relationships, self-worth, joy, faith, etc.

Our fathers teach us what it means to be a man, how to respect women, how a man makes decisions, how a man honors his commitments, how a man responds to challenges, etc. In large part, we grow up to be men much like our dads.

Our moms teach us what a woman is. We learn from her what women are like, how they behave, what makes them happy, sad and angry, what the love of a woman looks and feels like. We learn how women feel about men, and the value women place on having men in their lives. And in large part, we grow up to marry women much like our moms.

As a couple, our parents teach us what a marriage is, how men and women work together, solve their problems, how they love each other, the value of family, ritual and faith, and so much more. And, once again, in large part, we’ll create relationships much like our parents’.

How a mom sees the world will impact the way her son sees the world. Her attitudes about life, love and men—to name just a few—will help to shape his views, attitudes, and judgments.

So it’s pretty clear the immense influence moms have in developing their young men. You’ve all had experiences with your parents, and you’ve seen your brothers or friends become men at the hands of their parents. What have you seen? How have the boys in your life responded to the women who raised them, in terms of the men they’ve become?

Adrienne: How can moms help when dad and son are disagreeing? Should we stay out of it? Intervene?

Wayne: In the moment, stay out! Later, if appropriate, let dad know how it felt for you seeing the interaction. But tread lightly, our egos are quite fragile. We don’t like being made wrong when it comes to fathering…even if we are. So, come from the best loving place you got, and tell him how you feel.

There may be times when it makes sense to have a chat with your son, as well. Mom might be able to teach son a lesson about tolerance or forgiveness. Again, go easy and try not to orchestrate too much. Plant the seeds and let it go. Your men are going to have to figure out how to have their own relationship.

By the way, there’s only room in that house for one head cock. Your son is going to have to move out and settle his own homestead before he gets to rule the roost. Law of the jungle.

Adrienne: What can mom do to support her son’s emotional growth when his father is not present?

Wayne: For single moms, the contribution to a boy’s world vision is extraordinary. He’ll learn to see the world though his mother’s eyes. What do those eyes see? Is the world a happy, just place, or is it depressing, unfair and hostile?

Does she love men, or is she resentful and bitter in the aftermath of losing her man, either to divorce or death?

A boy needs at least one man in his life, preferably more. A single mom needs to seek out that man if the boy is too young, or incapable, of finding the man himself. Some boys are quite resourceful and can find mentors in sports, community activities, or down the street. But sometimes mom will have to seek out an uncle, friend or a mentor from an organization like Big Brothers.

The most important thing for single moms to remember is that they are highly qualified to be mom; they are not at all qualified to be dad, no matter how much camping they’re willing to do. The activities, though terrific, are no substitute for the mentoring boys can only get from men.

***

Thank you to Wayne for another great post and for being here today to answer questions.

RU Crew, how many of you are raising boys? Do you have any tips to share?

Join us on Friday when Theresa Stevens tackles definining the romance genre in her Ask an Editor column.

Wayne’s Bio: Wayne M. Levine, M.A. is the director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, CA, where he coaches and mentors men, and facilitates men’s groups. He also created the BetterMen Retreats for men, and for fathers and sons. In addition, Wayne is the founder of BetterMen.org, a life coaching and mentoring resource for men.

Wayne Wednesday: When Men Retreat

KelseyBrowning — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 05:01:54 +0000

Today, we welcome Wayne Levine once again! He’s going to share some general background on his organization’s Men’s Weekend, a retreat for men only. As a Texas gal, I find this fascinating because a men’s weekend in Texas would likely include a few cases of Budweiser, some shotguns and several dead animals. From what I can tell, no animals or aluminum cans were harmed during the course of Wayne’s weekend.

Welcome, Wayne!

Inquiring minds want to know what you boys do on a men’s retreat?

Some of the moments we experience on our retreats would make National Enquirer readers blush. Unfortunately for the readers, what we do at our BetterMen Men’s Weekend is strictly confidential.

Though I can give you a sense of what we do, I would never reveal exactly what we do from Thursday 6pm to Sunday noon.

This is an initiation into manhood. In its entirety, the Weekend is a ritual, a beginning, for most men, as they embark on their journeys to grow up and to become the men they’ve always wanted to be.

To become a fully realized man, one must learn to trust being in the company of other men, mentors, guides, teachers. That leap of faith, for men who don’t trust easily, begins as soon as they agree to attend the Weekend. Since they won’t know what actually goes on there, they have to trust the man who introduced them to the work.

But then there are participants who decided to attend simply after finding us on the Internet. Now, these guys have real cojones! They don’t know anything about us and have no connection to any man doing the work. Their commitment to change is quite impressive. They’re serious!

How many attend? How many stay the entire time? How many “trainers”?

We can accommodate up to 80 men. We’ve typically had 20+ participants. But the word is spreading.

In the past eight years, we’ve only had one man leave. And he left within the first couple of hours. He had come simply to please his friend. He hadn’t paid attention to what he was committing to.

We have had to send a couple of men home because their behavior was no longer welcome. A man’s behavior has to be off the chart to be unacceptable to our circle of men. I mean, we can get pretty rowdy.

The ages have ranged from 19 to 75. We’ve had brothers, fathers and sons, and uncles and nephews. Though most of the men are hetero, we have had a few openly gay men attend, and become staffers.

We generally have a production staff of 20-25 men, five of whom are the primary facilitators. But it’s a team effort from start to finish. In working together, the staff models what our work is all about: supporting each other to win in our lives.

Highly emotional? Or just guys hanging out and talking?

Our time together is highly emotional, amazingly stupid, enormously fun, remarkably spiritual, and intensely intimate. The games, rituals, and exercises we do with the men are designed so that they can experience themselves as men in the company of other men under a variety of circumstances.

Sometime during the Weekend, every man will be pushed up against his barriers. This usually happens more than once. But you never know exactly when it will happen for any particular man. It could be when we start our work around fathers, during a quiet, sacred moment around the fire, or when playing a simple game.

We have buttons and it’s our job to push ‘em. When the buttons are pushed, we have an opportunity to learn, trust, change and grow.

Why do men attend a retreat like this?

Men come for these reasons and more:

Unhappy in relationships.

Can’t get into a relationship.

Angry.

Depressed.

Stuck.

Lonely.

Want better relationships with kids.

Want to feel more like a real man.

Drawn to masculine energy.

Unhappy with life choices.

Want better relationship with father.

Wife threatened she would leave if he didn’t change.

Life is a mess and he wants to clean it up.

A trusted friend recommended it.

Adventure.

What do the men hope to get out of it?

They want to be happier, to get clarity on their relationship and career decisions. They want to be more loving with their wives and to stop being so angry with their kids.

Some want to feel more at peace, to discover their higher purpose, or to learn how to connect spiritually.

And then there are men who have so little hope, after having taken a beating in life, they’re just taking one last stab at trying to discover joy, figuring out how to build a family, or a finding a sense of purpose in their lives.

What do they actually get?

Some men actually get what they came for. And when these guys have epiphanies or breakthroughs, it’s amazing to witness. This kind of work has the potential to change lives. It’s fantastic when we can actually see it happening.

Most men have an incredible time at the Weekend, and their experience is a jumpstart in their commitment to make changes back home.

How do you gauge the retreat’s success?

If a man loses his voice, he went all the way. That’s all we can ask.

What do the men do after the retreat is over?

As we tell the men over and over throughout the Weekend, they can’t expect to make lasting changes without the continued support of initiated men.

Some men join BetterMen groups in Southern California or over the phone. Some men work with me individually. Others join circles of men in their areas. Unfortunately, a good number of men allow their experience with the men to slip away, and with it, their commitment to change.
Are there any females in the vicinity?

Well, uh, that would ruin everything.

Men need their time together, alone, without distractions, kids and women. And I have to say, especially women.

Let me put it this way:

You have a circle of highly committed, serious men who have spent a great deal of money, and have set aside time to become better men, fathers and husbands. They’ve prepared for this Weekend for months. They’ve made sure that their jobs and businesses can carry on without them for a few days. They’ve sacrificed being with their kids at their games, and with their women at dinners and events. They’ve done all of this because they want to change, to be happier, to find their place among the men, to be more comfortable in their own skins. They’ve revealed themselves to each other and have pushed themselves through countless barriers, emotional and physical.

Then…enter one woman. (Let’s make her reasonable attractive.)

The men are now all thinking about one thing: how they’d like to do her. That’s it. Our work comes to a screeching halt!

It takes a great deal of effort for men to trust one another, to create an environment where intimacy can grow, where they can feel safe enough to reveal their secrets and to ask for help. Once they experience this, then they’re in a better position to bring that strength home to their women. But in this process, there’s no place for women. That’s why we call it a Men’s Weekend.

RU crew, what questions do you have for Wayne about the Men’s Weekend?

Also – be sure to join us on Friday for another “Ask an Editor” lecture by Red Sage Managing Editor, Theresa Stevens!

Wayne’s Bio:

How Do Men Talk to Other Men about Female Troubles?

AdrienneGiordano — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 05:01:50 +0000

Good morning and welcome to our first installment of Wayne Wednesday where Wayne Levine, director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, CA, will enlighten (and maybe frighten!) us on the workings of the male mind. Today Wayne will tackle how men discuss their woman troubles.

Go to it, Wayne!

How do men talk to other men about their female troubles?

Man #1: “What a bitch!”

Man #2: “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

Man #1: “Want another beer?”

Man #2: “Never thought you’d ask!”

I’m sorry to report that this is the depth to which many men actually delve into their issues with women when speaking with other men. Why?

Well, it’s easier to blame than to accept responsibility. So, let’s start by blaming her. We know, from all things media, it’s perfectly acceptable to lob a few of these comments out to a man or group of men without fear of judgment. In fact, TV and movies tell us that this is an acceptable way for us men to make connections with other men. Bitch about our wives!

Once we can agree that our women are pains in the ass, we can laugh, watch the game, and enjoy the distraction from our miserable lives.

But why are we even putting it out there? We’re obviously challenged, anxious, irritated, angry, depressed or upset about something. Talking about it might help release it, allow us to forget about it for a while, and perhaps there’s an outside chance that we might even find a solution. But I suspect most men have learned to not expect solutions when they bring these issues up with their buddies.

Solutions come from examination. Examination requires inquiry. Inquiry requires that we reveal. And revealing is a risk. Most men, for fear of humiliation, won’t take the risk. Shame wins.

So here we have men who have a problem. They might even desperately want to talk about it. And they may even be this close to asking for help. But all that’s readily available to them is a surface connection, limited by all participants’ fear of taking off the mask, revealing their pain, appearing weak, or looking like a fool. They’ll walk into the bar, the parent meeting, or the neighbor’s house with a hidden, secret desire to solve their problems. But they leave with their problems intact, and possibly even more frustrated by having only been able scratch the scab, not heal the wound.

There are men who can share more intimate details with each other. And the very fortunate ones have friends who ask good questions and can offer sage advice.

Obviously, the men I work with want to find solutions to their “female troubles.” But they have no idea how to go about doing it. Eventually, they learn a few things:

1. It’s never about her. It’s always about the kind of man you are with her, and what you can do differently to be the man you want to be and then be more the man she wants and needs.

2. Complaining, blaming and whining get us nowhere. When a man brings up an issue regarding his woman, a friend asks questions to help him get to some clarity and hopefully to a solution.

3. If you want to help another man, reveal yourself first. This makes it safe for him to tell you the truth, to tell himself the truth.

When men come together with these skills—or at least a rudimentary understanding of what we need from each other—a completely different dialogue takes place.

Man #1: “What a bitch!”

Man #2: “What do you mean.”

Man #1: “You know what I mean.”

Man #2: “What happened?”

Man #1: “Same old shit with her. I came home…story…”

Man #2: “Well, I’ve been there. Last week…story…”

Man #1: “Exactly. I’m so sick of it.”

Man #2: “Well, what are you going to do about it?”

Man #1: “What do you mean?”

Man #2: “What are you going to do about it?

Man #1: “What can I do?”

And now the men have something to talk about. Moving beyond the complaint, they have an opportunity to share their experiences and maybe even figure out how to solve their “female problems.”

The key question is always, “What are you going to do about it?” This question takes us out of the problem and into the solution. Unfortunately, it’s a question most men find difficult to pose.

Thank you, Wayne.

To the ladies out there, does your significant other have male friends he talks to? And for the men, would you feel comfortable talking to your friends this way? We’d love to hear from you.

If you have a question for Wayne, please send it to WayneWednesday@RomanceUniversity.org. You never know, he may use it for an upcoming Wayne Wednesday topic.

Be sure to join us on Friday when Cindy Carroll returns to talk screenwriting.

Bio: Wayne M. Levine, M.A. is the director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, CA, where he coaches and mentors men, and facilitates men’s groups. He also created the BetterMen Retreats for men, and for fathers and sons. In addition, Wayne is the founder of Mentor4Men.com, a life coaching and mentoring resource for men.

Wayne’s been married to his first and only wife, Ria, for over 20 years and is the proud daddy of Emma, Austin and the family’s menagerie of animals. Wayne strives to be a better man, husband and father each day in Oak Park, CA.