Today, Ollin discusses the vital role of imagery in creating a compelling story. 

What Charlie Chaplin Can Teach You About Writing A Great Love Story 

Charlie Chaplin is widely known as one of the greatest silent film directors and performers of all time. Even though he stopped creating films decades ago, his influence on storytelling can still be felt, even today. 

Chaplin became one of the first filmmakers/performers to achieve international acclaim and worldwide stardom. Chaplin’s success was largely due to the powerful images he was able to create onscreen. 

He was especially a master at creating powerfully moving portraits of love and romance. When you watch one of Chaplin’s silent films, you can’t help but feel your heart stir. You find yourself having a deep emotional attachment to each character—almost instantly. 

Writers can learn a lot from Chaplin. 

By utilizing powerful images (or tableaus) in our writing, we too can create powerful stories that are both unforgettable and universal.

What is A “Tableau”?

A tableau is a striking or powerful image. 

Tableau’s are everywhere in literature. You might recognize them if I were to list some of them for you: a youthful Dorian Gray gazing into a portrait of his aging self; Anna Karenina walking onto the train tracks just as a train approaches; Jean Valjean, the wanted criminal, making a grand escape through France’s ancient and vast sewer system. 

Powerful tableau’s can also be found in popular films: an adorable-looking alien, named E.T., using his powers of levitation to lift a young boy, and his bicycle, into the night sky; Thelma & Louise driving their Ford Thunderbird convertible straight into the Grand Canyon; the enormous, majestic tree in Avatar falling into a cloud of ash and fire. 

As you can see, many of the best stories ever told have been told through a series of tableaus: powerful, moving images that help drive the emotion of the story forward.

A Study of Charlie Chaplin’s Use of Tableaus 

One of Charlie Chaplin’s best films is called The Kid. 

The plot of the movie is fairly simple, but it’s one of the most heart-wrenching love stories you’ll ever see in film. 

In The Kid, Chaplin reprises his famous role as The Tramp:  a poor, working-class American willing to resort to pretty much anything (even stealing) to get by. 

Now, if we cut the movie down into a series of tableaus, we might see what makes Chaplin’s story so emotionally potent for its audience:

Tableau Number #1: The film begins with an image of The Tramp picking up an abandoned baby at the side of the road. 

Tableau Number #2: The Tramp is having breakfast with a small boy (the baby is now grown up) and we see the Tramp counting the number of pancakes on his plate, making sure the number of pancakes on his plate is equal to the amount on the boy’s plate.

Tableau Number #3: The authorities are holding The Tramp back while the boy stands alone on the back of a truck. The boy is reaching out for his adopted father and is sobbing uncontrollably. 

Tableau Number #4: The Tramp, his adopted son, and the adopted son’s biological mother are re-united on the front porch of an extravagant-looking household. The End. 

As you can see, I don’t even need to give you a detailed summary of the movie itself. You can already gather the whole story just by becoming familiar with just a few of the striking tableaus that Chaplin utilized throughout the film. 

My description of these images in succession may have already stirred strong emotions in you without me having to show you the actual film. 

And that, my friends, is the power of using tableaus.

Utilizing Tableaus To Help You Write A Great Love Story 

Now that we’ve studied the way Charlie Chaplin utilized tableaus in his films, we can try using some of the same techniques to help us create powerful images in our own fiction.

Here’s how to do it: 

1. Cut your story down into 3 simple, tableaus, with each tableau representing the beginning, middle, and end of your story. (You can draw out these three tableaus, or you can write them out, whichever you prefer.) 

2. Once you’ve created your 3 tableaus, ask yourself if these images stir any powerful emotions in you. If they don’t, you may need to work on creating more striking images—images that will really stick in your readers mind and make them feel for your characters. 

3. Finally, insert these three, new and improved tableaus back into your story.

 Good luck! 

Hopefully, you’ve learned something new today: that tableaus can help you improve your romance story. Creating powerful images throughout your novel can help drive the emotion of your story home, and can create a tale as universal and unforgettable as a Charlie Chaplin film. 

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What are some of the most memorable scenes you’ve seen or read? What techniques do you employ to visualize a scene? Share with us!

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Author Lucy Monroe presents Because Romance is Healthy on Wednesday, May 23rd.

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Bio: Ollin Morales is a fiction writer, freelance writer, ghostwriter and blogger. His blog, Courage 2 Create, chronicles his journey as he writes his first novel. The blog offers writing advice as well as strategies to deal with life’s tough challenges. His blog was named one of The Top Ten Blogs for Writers by WriteToDone two years in a row (2011, 2012).

Weekly Lecture Schedule for May 21 – May 25, 2012


http://www.RomanceUniversity.org

Take a front row seat for this week’s fabulous lectures. Blogger and writer Ollin Morales starts off the week with a discussion on the importance of imagery in romance. On Wednesday, popular and prolific romance author Lucy Monroe shares a personal story about getting healthy and her new fitness endeavor.  Author Traci Bell rounds out the week with a post on writing an ending that leaves the reader satisfied.

Mon, 5/21 – What do Charlie Chaplin movies and writing romance have in common? OLLIN MORALES explains the use of tableaus for setting an unforgettable scene.  Courage 2 Create

Wed, 5/23 – Whipping your pages into shape is only one side of the story. USA Today bestselling author LUCY MONROE tells us why she started the Lucy Monroe Reader’s Fitness Challenge. http://lucymonroe.com

Fri, 5/25 –  You’ve typed “The End” and slapped yourself on the back. But does your ending tie up all the loose ends? Will it leave the reader with the warm fuzzies or make them want to fling the book across the room? Author TRACI BELL talks about the necessary elements you need for a happy ending. http://tracibell.blogspot.com/

All Romance University lectures are generously provided by our Visiting Professors. RU is a tuition-free zone!

All our best,

Kelsey Browning, Adrienne Giordano, Robin Covington, Carrie Spencer, Tracey Devlyn, Jennifer Tanner, and Becke Martin Davis

I recently led a friend of mine through an exercise designed to shape a character, and with her permission, we’re going to discuss that exercise here. We run into this sort of issue pretty frequently: a character has a strong backstory, but that doesn’t quite translate into a strong, solid character. In this case, the character – we’ll call her Ashley – was defined as a woman in her mid-20s whose father is an abusive alcoholic.

That single fact drove most of the character creation, and was the answer to almost every question about this character. What was Ashley’s romantic history? Light and sporadic, because she can’t trust men because her father was an abusive alcoholic. What does she look for in a man? Sobriety. And so on, each question leading back to that single backstory detail. No matter the question, the answer was, “Daddy was a mean drunk.” In fact, here is what my friend offered as a brief character description:

She’s been conditioned that people will always disappoint her. Her father disappoints her by constantly falling off the wagon. Every time she puts any faith in him, he blows it. Her mother (although she has a good relationship with her) disappointed her because she never had the strength to leave Ashley’s dad and give Ahsley a more stable environment.

This is good, as far as it goes, but it doesn’t go far enough. My friend, to her credit, knew something was off with this character but was having trouble grasping the smoke. The problem is one of focus. Daddy’s not in this book. The story isn’t about letting go of the original family. This is a straightforward romance novel with a strong external plot that doesn’t involve Ashley’s dad at all. So this means that every time we were talking about the backstory, we were talking about events that occurred outside the scope of this plot. Those events have no relevance OTHER THAN the way they shaped Ashley’s character.

So we had to reframe Ashley’s character. We had to focus on the results (how she behaves in real story time), rather than the cause (Daddy was a mean drunk).

Step one in this exercise was to come up with a list of character traits. I forbid my writing friend from mentioning Ashley’s father at all. I told her to come up with a simple list of character traits to describe Ashley. Each trait should be expressed in a word or two. Here is what she sent:

Suspicious

Controlling

Self-contained

Lonely

Miserly (in that she can pinch a penny until the head pops off. LOL)

Dependable (if she wants it done, she does it herself)

Driven

That’s a sad list, isn’t it? The traits seem overwhelmingly negative. This is a romantic heroine we’re talking about. The reader will want to be able to identify with this character, so that negativity might be a barrier. Also, keep in mind that we’re trying to understand how a formative situation shapes character. Ashley was forged in fire, and these kinds of circumstances can make you hard, but they can also make you strong.

So the next step was to challenge my friend to find a positive way to express these traits. Almost every aspect of character can be positive or negative, depending on how it is expressed in the story. So I asked her to look at her list and think of positive ways these traits might manifest. For example, a suspicious character might be hard to fool, which would be a good trait in a romantic suspense novel, right?

Here is what my friend generated:

Negative                      Positive

Suspicious                   Won’t be fooled

Controlling                  Orderly

Miserly                      Responsible with money

Self-contained             Self-sufficient

Lonely                          Doesn’t need to be entertained

Driven                         Wants to do a good job

Now we understand the different ways that the same basic trait might be expressed in the course of the plot. After getting this far and looking at her list more closely, we realized that Ashley’s core trait is that she’s cautious. This caution is expressed in multiple ways, and almost every trait on the above list, both positive and negative, can be seen as an expression of that cautiousness. Now we’re starting to really understand what drives Ashley, but there’s still one more step.

That final step is figuring out how these traits manifest in the world Ashley inhabits. This is where things get really interesting. Look at that list and think about some aspect of Ashley’s present world and how it might be impacted by each trait. Do you see any potential conflicts? I do. For example, if she’s good with money, but miserly, does she buy an investment property like an apartment building to live in, or a tiny condo with low payments, or something else? If she’s self-contained and entertains herself, does she have a great television system and movie collection, or does her miserliness keep her from spending money on this sort of thing? If she’s put on a work project team with a sexy, smoking hot hero, will she agree to work late and discuss the project over drinks?

By thinking of these kinds of potential issues in the character formation stage, you not only develop a deeper understanding of the character, but you develop a sense of how different aspects of that character are prioritized. Which will she value more, saving money or protecting her privacy? In times of stress, does she hide or does she try to control everything? In the end, when this exercise is complete, you will have a more fully developed character, and you will understand better how to portray her in a deep, complex way.

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RU writers, what’s your process for developing your character?

Join us on Monday with Ollin Morales’ post What Charlie Chaplin Can Teach You About Writing A Great Love Story

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Bio: Theresa Stevens is the Publisher of STAR Guides Publishing, a nonfiction publishing company with the mission to help writers write better books. After earning degrees in creative writing and law, she worked as a literary attorney agent for a boutique firm in Indianapolis where she represented a range of fiction and nonfiction authors. After a nine-year hiatus from the publishing industry to practice law, Theresa worked as chief executive editor for a highly acclaimed small romance press, and her articles on writing and editing have appeared in numerous publications for writers. Visit her blog at http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/ where she and her co-blogger share their knowledge and hardly ever argue about punctuation.

Who is a “good” literary agent?

I recently received the following email in our query inbox, “Dear Sara Megibow, thank you so much for sending a response to my query. Even though it was a form rejection letter, it’s still better than nothing. You are a really great literary agent.”

This is a polite and thoughtful email response. Typically, it’s not necessary to respond to our rejection letter however the nice ones are always better than the mean ones. Still, and this pains me to say it, there is an error in this person’s response. OH how I hate to admit this because I’m sure my rating at querytracker will go right through the toilet. Yikes. Here goes…

An agent’s process for responding to slush pile submissions (and the speed at which they do so) is not an accurate way to evaluate whether or not that agent is good at their job. Some agents personalize each and every response. Some agencies (like ours) send out a response to everything with a form rejection. And some agents don’t respond at all unless they are interested in the book. I know some writers compare notes: “X agent responded in 12 days” and “Y agent didn’t respond at all” and “Z agent’s form rejection is polite” but I’m here to tell you that this is not a good way to evaluate your potential business partner.

Of course I like being known as a “good” agent but let’s go over what that really means.

My job as a literary agent is to turn my clients books into money. Period. Publishing is a business and I represent one potential business plan for a writer. I offer representation when I believe there is financial potential in a book. Reading submissions and presenting books to publishing houses represents the vast minority of my time each week. Negotiating and auditing contracts, selling subsidiary rights (audio, foreign, film, etc), auditing royalty statements and organizing production, publicity and promotions are how I spend my time. These are the tasks I perform to make my clients money. Looking at it from this point of view, I can’t very well call up Tiffany Reisz to say, “I couldn’t shop THE SIREN for film this week as I was responding to slush pile submissions.” The biggest misconception about the job of a literary agent is that we serve the pre-published author. Unfortunately, that’s not true – we exist to make money for our current clients. That’s a harsh and ugly thing to admit online, but it’s the truth. Another way to look at it is like this – if I offer you representation you’d want me spending my time on your books, right?

The Catch 22 of this scenario is that in order to make money for our current clients, we have to HAVE clients and the vast majority of those clients come from the slush pile. So, how to respond to query letters remains a relevant discussion. I stand by our decision to respond to every email even though it costs us tens of thousands of dollars each year to do so (and it takes hundreds of thousands of dollars in sales in order to make the 15% agency fee to cover that cost). I WANT to be known as nice and friendly and I believe that pre-published authors deserve a response. So there you have it – even though it’s not a perfect process, our agency continues to respond to every submission. But remember – that’s not what makes me good at my job.

A GOOD agent is one who can make you money, not one who responds quickly to the slush pile.

In researching agents, here are good ways to evaluate: Does an agent:
- Negotiate competitive contracts, including royalty rates (profit for an author shouldn’t just come from the advance money)
- Audit royalty statements
- Sell subsidiary rights
- Monitor the production process for quality and innovation
- Help organize publicity and promotions
- Communicate the publishing process effectively so all members of the team can be focused on writing and sales as opposed to being focused on errors and misunderstandings
- Work with an author to craft the career the author wants for him/herself

How would you find this out about an agent?
- When an agent offers representation, ASK! (it’s ok – you’re not being nosy. These are important questions)
- Ask to speak with an agent’s other clients to get a feel for some of these behind-the-scenes tasks
- Follow an agent at www.publishersmarketplace.com or on their agency website and watch for subsidiary rights sales or blog posts about these issues
- Meet agents at conferences and ask good business questions
- Follow agents on their blogs and on twitter (I’m on twitter at @SaraMegibow where I try to answer questions) (My boss, Kristin Nelson, blogs at http://pubrants.blogspot.com/ and she’s tackled each of these topics thoroughly over the years)

I hope this information helps! As you are researching agents for your career, remember to focus on the things that agent will do to make you money. Painful as it sounds, responding to the slush pile is not one of those tasks.

Happy writing and thanks again for having me here at Romance University!
-Sara

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Yes – she went there.  So, what questions or comments do you have about Sara’s post?  What is your experience with agents and the slush pile?  Did it impact whether you would accept an offer of representation? Did it stop you from submitting?

On Friday, the fabulous Theresa Stevens is back!

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UNRAVELED by New York Times bestselling author Courtney Milan

He has no use for love…

Smite Turner is renowned for his single-minded devotion to his duty as a magistrate. But behind his relentless focus lies not only a determination to do what is right, but the haunting secrets of his past – secrets that he is determined to hide, even if it means keeping everyone else at arm’s length. Until the day an irresistible woman shows up as a witness in his courtroom…

 

But love has other plans for him.

Miranda Darling isn’t in trouble…yet. But she’s close enough that when Turner threatens her with imprisonment if she puts one foot wrong, she knows she should run in the other direction. And yet no matter how forbidding the man seems on the outside, she can’t bring herself to leave. Instead, when he tries to push her away, she pushes right back – straight through his famous self-control, and into the heart of the passion that he has long hidden away…

Bio:

Bio: Sara Megibow, Associate Literary Agent
Nelson Literary Agency, LLC

Sara has worked at the Nelson Literary Agency since 2006. As the Associate Literary Agent, Sara is actively acquiring new clients! The Nelson Literary Agency specializes in representing all genres of romance (except inspirational or category), young adult fiction of all subgenres, science fiction/ fantasy and commercial fiction (including women’s fiction and chick lit). Sara is an avid romance reader and a rabid fan girl of super sexy and intelligent stories.

Nelson Literary Agency is a member of AAR, RWA, SFWA and SCBWI. Please visit our website http://http://www.nelsonagency.com/for submission guidelines, FAQs, resources and sample query letters. Sara’s Publisher’s Marketplace site (www.publishersmarketplace.com/members/SaraMegibow) is a great place to find more about her personal tastes, clients and recent sales. You can also cyber stalk Sara on twitter @SaraMegibowHow an agent chooses what books to read.

She was born Kathleen Erin Hogg in Alexandria, Louisiana, the youngest of eight children. Her father passed away when Kathleen was only twelve. Raised by her mother and older sisters, Woodiwiss remarked once that “every single one of us had minds of our own even then; I was no exception. I suppose that carried over into my creations of heroines who weren’t weak-willed.”

Her revolutionary debut novel, The Flame and the Flower, was rejected by agents and hardcover publishers alike for being too long – and at 600 pages, it put the smaller historicals that were popular to date to shame. Woodiwiss then submitted it to Avon, who purchased the novel in paperback. It sold over 2.3 million copies in its first four years. Way to go!

Published in 1972, The Flame and the Flower was a historical romance, with an alpha hero – and real sex scenes. Not just hints and tremors, ocean waves crashing in the distance or murky feelings, but actual sex scenes. The Flame and the Flower is credited with starting a new romance writing phenomenon, following the hero and heroine into the bedroom. Novels following this breakthrough book by Woodiwiss contained longer plots, very intimate sex scenes and a stronger heroine.

Kathleen Woodiwiss gave her heroines spunk. Have you ever read Shanna? Now there’s a girl with a boatload of spunk! Determined to meet her father’s requirement of marrying, she instead married a prisoner meant for hanging – she’d be married as per her father’s request, but have no husband to burden her down while she searched for true love. =) Of course the prisoner didn’t hang, and guess who her true love turned out to be? Absolutely.

Kathleen’s stories absolutely took me away to another time and place. With The Wolf and the Dove the castles, serfs and wars of Normans versus Saxons came alive. With Ashes in the Wind I discovered the horrors of the Civil War. In So Worthy My Love, we met a feisty heroine, an irritable – yet dashing-hero and got a fine taste of Kathleen’s sense of humor, when two bungling would-be kidnappers take the wrong woman. Kathleen’s mastery at story-telling kept me, and many others I’m sure! Up until the wee hours of the morning, trying to read just one more page.

In my own personal collection, I have at least two of every book, as well as approximately seven different copies of Shanna. Just in case. =)

Kathleen passed away, July 6, 2007, with twelve novels to her credit and over 36 million sold.

Next time RU authors, you write a particularly spunky heroine into your latest romance manuscript, give a nod of thanks to Kathleen Woodiwiss.

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RU Crew – What book and/or author has made a difference in your writing or reading?

Join us on Wednesday when we chat with agent Sara Megibow about who is a good literary agent?

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Weekly Lecture Schedule for May 14 – May 18, 2012


http://www.RomanceUniversity.org

Let’s face it, RU Crew, it’s May, which means the weather is getting hotter. Good news is RU’s schedule will help you keep your writing cool through the next few months. This week, we have some great lectures planned for you. MONDAY Carrie Spencer takes us back to one of the great romance writers, Kathleen Woodiwiss. Wednesday, Sara Megibow is back to give us the secrets of finding a good agent. On Friday, we host monthly columnist Theresa Stevens.

Mon, 5/14 – Go back in time with CARRIE SPENCER as she reviews the impact Kathleen Woodiwiss had on the world of romance writing.

Weds, 5/16 – SARA MEGIBOW tackles the question “Who is a Good Agent?” and will give away a copy of Courtney Milan’s Unraveled. www.nelsonagency.com

Fri, 5/18 – Editor THERESA STEVENS returns with her fabulous monthly column. Don’t miss Theresa’s insights on the writing and editing process!

All Romance University lectures are generously provided by our Visiting Professors. RU is a tuition-free zone!

All our best,

Kelsey Browning, Adrienne Giordano, Robin Covington, Carrie Spencer, Tracey Devlyn, Jennifer Tanner, and Becke Martin Davis

In my previous post, I focused on how streamlining and tightening your prose can strengthen your writing. Line edits provide an opportunity not just to tweak the technicalities of writing but also to do some specific line-by-line content editing. When reading closely and objectively, ask yourself questions like: Is a specific action getting across the message it’s trying to convey? Am I relying too heavily on backstory for explanation? How can I give a particular sentence more dramatic weight (or in Gina-speak “oomph”)? And, perhaps most importantly, is the scene and/or chapter both moving the plot forward and starting in the right place?

Let’s take a look at our example…

Eliza Baxter had not survived the past four months to be daunted by the jeers of two hatchet-faced guards.

“Ey, would you look at this fine bit o’ muslin?”

“Hullo love, fancy a bit of leg-over once we make the high seas?”

Already, I’m intrigued by this seemingly unsavory situation the heroine is in and the mention of the “high seas.” Though, for effect, I would suggest opening with the dialogue and scrapping one of the two guards’ comments. Dialogue, when concise, direct and strong, often packs more punch when setting the scene.

She had shivered against Newgate Gaol’s underground stone walls, kicked brazen rats, and stopped her ears to the delirium during the typhus outbreak.

She had crouched in a dank corner of her cell, breathing through her sleeve to evade the miasmas that killed with a relentless efficiency, and reviewed her options. Until she decided or rather, accepted.

In these two paragraphs, the author loses me a bit with the list of all the indignities Eliza has suffered. Her past sufferings should be hinted at while still keeping the reader focused on the present. Also, what options was she reviewing? Someone who’s spent months in a cell with rats seems to have run out of them.

There had never really been a choice once she stepped into the Hunt’s carriage and traveled to London last May. Escape was the only alternative to-no don’t think of it. She couldn’t get much further than where she was now going.

Ah-ha, a mystery. I’m curious to know who the Hunts are and how they may have contributed to her current situation. However, the interrupted thought “Escape was the only alternative to—” isn’t used to its best advantage. The author could possibly be suggesting that there’s an option the heroine would rather rot in a cell than consider—an improper proposal, perhaps?—but there is not enough to go on to make that suggestion clear.

I’ve had just about enough. She dodged between the suggestive stances of the leering guards; their breath stained with the odor of stale gin as she stepped onto the gangway. And it’s not even started.

Instead of viewing masterpieces at the grand opening of the new National Gallery, she had blinked into the daylight streaming though the high courtroom windows of the Old Bailey. A judge with the same unhappy mouth as her father picked his nose. The jurors had whispered through the false charges. One dozed but woke in time to help deliver the sentence. Guilty. The thirteen other hollow-eyed prisoners knew what she was only just gleaning. All paths for a desperate woman eventually pass through the blackened archway of the Newgate Gaol.

Her sentence was read. The gallows.

Just as quickly her sentence was commuted. Transportation to Parts Beyond the Seas.

As she was escorted down from the dock, a few whistled bars rose up from the throng clustered in the balcony. The cheerful tone belied a menace that rendered her bones to jelly. The Grand Old Duke of York, He had ten thousand men, He marched them up the fields and then He marched them back again. She couldn’t find him in the crowd but her suspicion was confirmed. Jeremiah Hunt was indeed behind this.

Before the fatal trip to London last spring, she had never ventured more than thirty miles from her family’s small parsonage in the downlands of South Hampshire. Now here she was sailing for the backwater of the British Empire. Australia.

Here, my thoughts about revision changed from polishing this scene to restructuring it altogether. Aside from the technical line editing concerns, these paragraphs proved the most problematic because they bring up the question: does this scene start in the right place? The fact that a flashback takes up almost half the original word count says no. The drama of this court scene has overtaken the initial opening on the ship’s gangway and, to me as a reader, is much more interesting in both action and details. Perhaps that is the true beginning of this story.

Taking this into consideration, if we were to rework the book’s opening, it might look something like this…

“Hang the whore!”

Eliza Baxter had not survived the past four months crouching in a dank, rat-infested cell to be daunted by faceless jeers from the courtroom gallery.

I’ve had just about enough. And it’s not even started.

She blinked into the daylight streaming though the high windows of the Old Bailey. The thirteen other hollow-eyed prisoners awaiting their fates knew what she was only just gleaning. All paths for a desperate woman eventually pass through the blackened archway of Newgate Gaol.

She’d come to accept her lot. There had never really been a choice, not since she stepped into the Hunts’ carriage and traveled to London last May. Prison, though harsh, proved a better alternative to Jeremiah’s—No, don’t think of it.

A judge with the same unhappy mouth as her father picked his nose. The jurors whispered through the false charges. One dozed but woke in time to help deliver the sentence.

Guilty.

Her sentence was read—the gallows—and just as quickly commuted.

Transportation to parts beyond the seas.

A nervous laugh scratched her dry throat. All the times she’d dreamed of escape… She couldn’t get much farther than where she was now going. Before the fatal trip to London last spring, Eliza had never ventured more than thirty miles from her family’s small parsonage in the downlands of South Hampshire. Now here she was, sentenced to the backwater of the British Empire. Australia.

As she was escorted down from the dock, a few whistled bars rose up from the throng clustered in the balcony. The cheerful tone belied a menace that rendered her bones to jelly.

The Grand Old Duke of York, He had ten thousand men, He marched them up the fields and then He marched them back again.

She couldn’t find him in the crowd, but her suspicion was confirmed. Jeremiah Hunt was behind this.

Granted, without knowing the full details of the plot, I made up a lot of the backstory implied here. This is simply a rough sketch of one way the scene could unfold. The author, who better knows her story and characters, could further enhance it with descriptive details to clue the reader in on the physical and mental toll the heroine’s experience has had on her, or dialogue and narrative that further enlighten the reader’s understanding of the situation—what she’s accused of, etc. In fact, I’d strongly suggest this in order to beef up the bare bones I’ve come up with.

Overall, the goal of this close line-by-line read was to identify not only places to polish the writing but also to root out and fix any weaknesses in the scene itself. Do you think that was accomplished?

  ***

 RU Crew, what do you think about Gina’s suggestions? Can you apply some of Gina’s tips to your own scenes?

 Thank you to Gina for the valuable feedback! 

 Gina’s Bio: Gina Bernal has over eight years of publishing experience in both editorial and marketing/sales. She is currently a freelance editor for Harlequin’s digital imprint, Carina Press, for which she is actively seeking romance of all subgenres and heat levels, urban fantasy, and suspense/mystery novels with strong female leads. Gina loves books that make her laugh, books that make her cry and books that do both. She’s a sucker for tortured heroes, badass heroines, unusual settings and classic themes with new twists. She holds a B.A. in History and Literature from Harvard University and resides in the Boston area.

You can follow her on Twitter @GinaBernal

Welcome back to RU, Cris!

Hello, RU!

Cris Dukehart here… audiobook gal.

Before we begin, I really must apologize;  I fear that I may be a bit rough around the edges…

For some time, you see, I have been recording Shiloh Walker’s Ash Trilogy,  three gripping romantic suspense audiobooks released by the marvelous folks over at Tantor Media and, now, four weeks later, I smell suspiciously of the green apple slices I use to de-goop my mouth, Throat Coat tea and Chapstick.   My head is wrapped unceremoniously in a bandana and I am rather concerned that my favorite mismatched socks, (one gray and white stripedy and one lime green and white polka dot, both, you will be pleased to hear, with happy hot pink toes and heels) have been on my feet so long that, once removed, they might run away from me of their own accord never to be seen again.

I am a vision… and absolute vision!

More disturbing than this, however, is that for at least part of the last four weeks, I have lived inside the head of a serial killer.   I have hunted young girls, their futures bright with promise, and I have brought them down in their prime.  I have played horrible, frightening games of cat and mouse, committed shocking acts of brutality, and I have done it all with an almost pleasant ambivalence.

I have lent my voice to a monster.

The concept of “voice” is a tricky thing.  It’s a chameleon among words, isn’t it?

It can mean the power of speech, an expression, an utterance or vocalization.

Merriam Webster suggests that a voice is also an opinion or a view, a vote or role, or even a mouthpiece or a champion.

Wikipedia defines an author’s voice… your voice… as “the literary term used to describe the individual writing style of an author”.   It goes on to say that an author’s voice is “generally considered to be a combination of a writer’s use of syntax, diction, punctuation, character development, dialogue, etc., within a given body of text (or across several works).”  There are whole books devoted to this sort of voice; websites dedicated to it.  It’s a good thing to have apparently, a distinct author’s voice.  You may even have attended seminars and conferences on finding and developing yours.

But what if… for argument’s sake, they are all one and the same?

Every author has their own voice, by definition, a way of utilizing syntax and diction and punctuation.  But what happens when those words, that syntax and diction and punctuation are vocalized?  E.E. Cummings, for instance, was known for scattering words all over a page with little notice it seemed, to punctuation or capitalization.  In fact, some of his work appeared, at first glance, to make little sense… little sense, that is, until it was read out loud.   Mark Twain and Charles Dickens used dialect to such an extent that unless it is read aloud, it is often difficult to recognize the near phonetic spellings found within their dialog passages as English at all.

Now, I don’t know much about anything of importance, but it seems to me that when a book changes points of view within the story, the voice alters as well.  Though it may do so subtly, I’ve found that particularly in dialog, but also in description of scene and people, characters seem to use the author’s language in their own unique ways.

Because the point of view in Shiloh Walker’s Ash Trilogy changes, even within chapters, it seemed of particular importance to discern the different character’s voices.  Ms. Walker, (a spunky lass with a Kentucky twang of her own), was invaluable in this task.  She told me things about each character that had little, it would seem, to do with how they actually SOUND, but that mattered a great deal to how they were HEARD.

This was never more important than in zeroing in on the voice of the killer.

Within the text of the first book, “If You Hear Her”, we learn that the killer has a slow, deep, almost patient drawl.  We read that he is amused with his games, that he feels a sort of affection for his victims.  And that, for the most part, is the extent of his vocal description.

Enter Shiloh Walker.

From the first, Ms. Walker was clear… the killer’s parts should be read “without emotion”… he “is a monster”.  (It is only fair to report here, that only the first book was made available to me when I began recording.  I finished it a few days before speaking with Shiloh.  I was able, using AMAZING feats of restraint and prudence, to refrain for nearly 5 whole minutes into the conversation, from positively BEGGING her to tell me who the killer was.  In my defense *indignant sniff*, it was for entirely professional reasons that I needed to know.)

We then had the fun task of deciding who would be the vocal red herrings.  Who amongst the other characters, exhibited enough similarities in habit and personality to the killer to share vocal characteristics with him… we needed to be able to auditorily mislead the listener, just as they were mislead in the text.

Which takes me back to lending my voice to a monster.

Recording his parts with “no emotion” took on its own life… a flippant, bored, slightly pleased and entertained sound… a sound that over the course of the three books, began to reveal a cruelty and disdain for human life and a disturbing apathy that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

I developed a disturbing tendency, while recording his parts, to raise one hand in caress of a cold cheek or a flippant gesture… to mimic an indifferent half lidded stare.

Leaving my studio late one night, I walked casually through the inky black.  (This wouldn’t be of note at all except for the fact that I have, since childhood, had a wild fear of the dark.  I was (and still am) the gal who flees one lit space for another, dashing willy-nilly through the dark.  I have even been known to outrun my children in my flight, leaving their small selves to the mercy of the boogyman!) This particular evening, however, despite the unlit night, there was no sign of my usual dash from lighted interior, through scary monster-laden dark, to the car.

“How curious.” I puzzled. “What is THIS?”

For some time, as I drove, I pondered this new and unusual ennui for the dark until it occurred to me quite suddenly that there was a very simple reason why I wasn’t afraid of the monsters.  I wasn’t afraid because somewhere in my mind, I was the monster… I had indentified with the boogyman.

And while that scared me enough that I stopped on my way home and bought a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, it did occur to me that just maybe I had found the killer’s voice.   That perhaps in finding his voice, his story, Shiloh Walker’s story would do what we all want a good story to do… to transport us into the world of the book… into the world of the author.

In Shiloh Walker’s syntax, her diction, her development of character and use of punctuation…

In the casually apathetic vocalizations of horrors…

In analyzing the killer’s role… not just how he sounds, but how he is heard by others… In this, I hope, we find a monster… and in voice we most certainly find a champion.

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RU Crew, have you ever listened to a book where the villain was given away (or well-concealed) by the narrator? Also, feel free to ask Cris questions about voiceover or how she purged Shiloh’s monster from her body. Don’t forget Cris and Tantor Media have generously offered to give away a CD set of Shiloh Walker’s If You Hear Her, the first in Walker’s romantic suspense Ash Trilogy. 

Don’t miss Friday’s lecture when editor Gina Bernal will return to teach us more about line editing!

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Bio:

Dear Ms. “Editor”,

Marc’s Rock is a finished, 70K word, Mystery Romance. Take out the commas and use lower case for the genre. Romantic suspense might be the genre you’re going for here?

Carly James is running from her past and headed in a direct path that collides with her future.  What she has failed to see, is that her future is in the hands of Marc, the lead singer for an up and coming rock band.  We need to care about Carly and feel a connection with her. Give us who she is in a nutshell. “Carly James—__insert three adjectives or nouns that describe her__–is running from her past.” We don’t need “and headed in a direct path…” because no matter who we are, our pasts are bound to collide with our futures so that loses impact. You don’t need a comma after “see.” We need to connect with her, know that she’s running, and we need to understand what her agenda is—one sentence telling us her goal so that we can understand how Marc wasn’t part of the plan.

Marc Sanders has finally achieved his dream and is well on the way to becoming a successful rock band singer.  Suffering from a recent heartbreak; Marc fights with himself to lead his band and struggles with new lyrics. Use a comma instead of a semi colon after heartbreak. Why does the heartbreak cause him to fight with himself and struggle with new lyrics? Go deeper. And once we understand his struggle, tell us his agenda before Carly messes it up. J

After coming along on Carly’s vehicle – which is stranded in the middle of Death Valley – Marc and his band take Carly in while they continue on their tour across North America. Marc is running from a broken heart, while Carly is running from the law. Your last sentence is great!! Way to sum up each character’s reasons for running. Your first sentence needs some trimming. Say this in the simplest way possible. And then give us a sentence letting us know WHY Marc and his band would decide to do something as outlandish as take in a stranded motorist for the remainder of their tour. We need motivation and believable reasons here.

The chemistry between Carly and Marc is almost immediate; however, both have hidden secrets, some larger than the other.  Can they open their hearts to one another? Or will the law finally catch up with them and ruin any chance of a happily ever after? I suggest cutting “some larger than the other.” I think we need to know in paragraph one what Carly did to get the law after her. You don’t have to go into details, but maybe when you give us words to describe her, one of those can be “thief” or “murderer” or whatever it is she did. Good job summarizing the things that stand in the way of their happiness!

I am a member of the Romance Writers of America and the Liberty States Fiction Writers.  I have spent the past twelve years serving in the Air Force and (am) now investigating crimes in the financial world.  Throughout it all, I have been an avid reader and writer, often bringing the stories in my head, (delete comma) to life on paper.

If you are interested, I will gladly send you the entire manuscript.  I hope you will consider me for your list (comma) and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,

Deserie Comfort

Thank you for sharing your query letter! I really love the idea of a girl running from the law and a boy running from a broken heart who are destined to meet. Sounds like so much fun! I think once you bring your characters to life a bit more and get rid of the proofreading/punctuation errors, you’ll have a much stronger query on your hands. Best of luck to you with this!

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Readers, what questions do you have for C.J. regarding queries? We’d love to hear from you.

Thank you to Deserie for submitting to Query Writing 101. We appreciate you allowing us to use your work.

Stop by Wednesday when Voice over artist Cris Dukehart will share insider secrets with us – how finding a unique narration voice for each character is critical. She will also give away a CD set of Shiloh Walker’s If You Hear Her, the first in Walker’s romantic suspense Ash Trilogy!

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Bio: C.J. Redwine is an author of young adult novels and an experienced teacher. After teaching high school for several years, she turned her love of using innovative teaching strategies to the publishing field and began creating materials designed to equip writers with the skills necessary to succeed. Her book QUERY: How to get started, get noticed, and get signed is available now for Kindle and Nook. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, four kids, two cats, and one long-suffering dog. To learn more about C.J., visit her website: http://cjredwine.blogspot.com.

Weekly Lecture Schedule for May 7 – May 11, 2012


http://www.RomanceUniversity.org

As usual, we have a fabulous line-up this week, including two of our regular columnists, C.J. Redwine and Gina Bernal. Another not-to-miss lecturer is the fun (and funny!) voiceover artist Cris Dukehart.

Mon, 5/7– Monthly columnist C.J. REDWINE is back with another fantastic lecture! http://cjredwine.blogspot.com

Weds, 5/9 – Voice over artist CRIS DUKEHART will share insider secrets with us – how finding a unique narration voice for each character can cleverly camouflage or give away the killer! She will also give away a CD set of Shiloh Walker’s If You Hear Her, the first in Walker’s romantic suspense Ash Trilogy! www.crisdukehart.com

Fri, 5/11 – On Friday, our line editing series continues with GINA BERNAL editing reader submitted pages.

All Romance University lectures are generously provided by our Visiting Professors. RU is a tuition-free zone!

All our best,

Kelsey Browning, Adrienne Giordano, Robin Covington, Carrie Spencer, Tracey Devlyn, Jennifer Tanner, and Becke Martin Davis