Welcome, Dr. Debra!

A few days ago, I received a newsletter from my publicist, Annie Jennings, where she wrote of an incident she’d recently observed. She was at a bagel shop, and she saw a woman, laden with food and coffee, walk out the door behind a man. He didn’t notice her, and she ended up becoming squashed as the door closed on her. The man continued on, oblivious.

Annie freed the woman and watched as she scurried after the man. In Annie’s words, “She was gaining on him, little by little, but he did not notice. She could have been hit by a car right behind him, and he would not notice. I was horrified when I realized he was her husband.”

After I read the newsletter, I continued to think about the story.  For one thing, it made me thankful to have a boyfriend who’s a gentleman. Don would never squash me in the door. Instead, he’d hold it open for me. But he can still have those male moments, one of which occurred a few hours after I read Annie’s newsletter when we attended church.

As the service concluded, our beautiful, world-class pianist played “On the Wings of Love.” I started to leave, but Don, instead of following me like usual, stood watching the piano. I could see he was enraptured by the music.

Don walked toward the piano as if mesmerized, leaving me waiting at the pew. He never glanced behind him to see what I was doing. I stood there for a few seconds, remembering Annie’s story and feeling amused that a harmless and mild version of that woman’s experience was now happening to me. I sat down in our pew to wait until the spell ended.

These two examples illustrate something about the male brain that women don’t understand and often take personally:  The corpus callosum (the bundle of fibers that link the left and right brain hemispheres) is thinner in the male brain by about 10%, with as much as 30% fewer connections. A man has a harder time crossing his brain hemispheres. This means LESS information is exchanged between the two sides. However, this gives him GREATER ability to focus on a specific task, often to the exclusion of everything not relevant to him at the time.

Therefore, male brains are organized for monotracking. Men have difficulty concentrating on more than one thing at a time. For example, a brain scan while a man is reading or at the computer will show he’s mostly deaf.

A woman, with her thicker corpus callosum, has the physical ability to connect and relate large pieces of information. This allows her to see the “big picture” and remember more details. Therefore she’s good at multitasking. (She wouldn’t leave her husband trapped in the door.)

As for Don and I, if the situation were reversed, I probably would have said something to him before wandering over to the piano: “This is my favorite song. Please, wait a minute.” Or “I want to hear this. I’ll meet you outside.”

While this excuses Don becoming beguiled by the music and forgetting me, it doesn’t excuse the man who left his wife trapped in the door. I’ll bet he’s probably a man who often forgets his wife, not showing her the gentlemanly courtesy and attention she deserves. And perhaps her self-esteem is so low, she doesn’t realize she deserves better.

Thinking about Annie’s story also made me remember a man I’d briefly dated. Mike was a nice, attractive, intelligent man. But he also had a very male-focused brain.

On one of our first dates, we attended a Bruce Springsteen concert. As we walked through the crowded parking lot, threading through the cars, he kept striding away from me. I was tempted to stop walking and see how long it would take before he realized I wasn’t behind him. Even through, I knew what was happening wasn’t about me, but about his male focus on getting us into the concert hall, I couldn’t help becoming a little frustrated. I finally grabbed his hand, so we could stay together. Not a romantic start to the evening.

So, what does this mean for your romance hero? If you’re writing romance, you don’t want a man who loses his focus on the heroine. That means if he’s watching his favorite football team play a championship game, between plays, thoughts of her still need to creep into his mind. (And not just when he wants her to fetch him a beer or he’s watching the cheerleaders bounce around.) This is probably why we don’t see a lot of sport game scenes in romances.

On the other hand, your hero needs to have that male focus when it’s necessary and realistic for the story. For example, I’m often frustrated by books and movies where the hero stops to TALK in the middle of the action, especially if the scene is supposed to be suspenseful. If he’s trying to keep them safe, that will be his focus, not stopping to romance her.

And make sure that no matter how rough-hewn your hero or how tough your heroine, you show the reader that he treats her in a way that shows she’s special to him.

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If you want to learn more about men, sign up for my August online class, Understanding Men.

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So RU crew, what questions do you have for Dr. Debra today? And do you believe women can ever truly understand men and vice versa?

Due to the late post, we’re going to give away one of our RU leather pocket jotters to a random commenter.  Thanks for your patience!

Be sure to stop by Friday when Laurie Schnebly will be here to talk about the personality ladder. Sounds like some good character development help!

Dr. Holland holds a master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Child Therapy, and holds a PhD in Counseling Psychology from the University of Southern California, and is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has twenty-one years of experience counseling with individuals, couples, and groups.

Dr. Holland is a popular psychotherapist, consultant, and speaker on the topics of communication difficulties, relationships, stress, and dealing with difficult people.  She is a featured expert for the media, and does entertainment consulting.

To me, the word conjures the image of a riding lawn mower plowing through a thicket of overgrown chest hair. But the pectorals aren’t the only area where some men unleash a weed whacker. In fact, Gillette’s website boasts a series of animated videos with step-by-step instructions on how a man should effectively shave his bits and pieces. (My favorite slogan is: “You might say when there’s no underbrush, the tree looks taller.”)

I asked a few people their opinions of the manscaping process and this is what I received:

The women said:

“Not a fan. I don’t dig men who tan, blow dry their hair, or spend more time in a salon than me. Only acceptable manscaping is nose hair, ear hair and unibrow…those are gross and should be dealt with.”

“Yuk. Period. Yuk.”

“Ok, first of all, is there a cute little title women can use for WAXING?!?! Hell no, we don’t have to sugar-coat anything…we just say it like it is: ‘I’m getting WAXED today!!’ For men to even consider something so painful there has to be a term to make it not sound so bad. So, on to my thoughts on the actual process of ‘manscaping,’ I HATE HAIR!!! But I don’t have to worry about it because I married my bald, hairless man.”

“Oh hell yes…If I am expected to scape…so are the men!”

And from the guys:

“Manscaping? OK, I’ll go on the record that there is no need for waxing or shaving below the neckline. However, I’ve reached a point where the need to go to the barber is most often precipitated by hair on the ears and eyebrows.”

“Well, I married my wife and she knew what she was getting on that fateful day. So, there is no need to coif my plumage for the younger and newer trends. Not saying I would do that for her, but I don’t see the need as it is a ‘self-inflicted’ pain. Mark my words……70′s Hairy will be back!!!!”

So in celebration and admiration of men who do (and don’t) manscape, take a minute to take these polls and give RU readers the down-low (sorry, couldn’t resist) on this topic. (The poll is formatting strangely on some browsers, so please overlook our post grooming today. )

[polldaddy poll=3076094]

[polldaddy poll=3076079]

[polldaddy poll=3076090]

[polldaddy poll=3076097]

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Readers, what’s your call? Just how low should a man go? And what are other essential grooming habits every man should embrace?

Be sure to stop by Friday when the fabtabulous Margie Lawson discusses the writers’ “dirty little secret” – jealousy.

Kelsey’s Bio:

Kelsey Browning writes contemporary and paranormal romance with a hint of southern sizzle. In her former life, she worked at one of the ten largest universities in the U.S., raising money and teaching students how to land their dream jobs. These days she pursues her dream job of freelance and fiction writing, which provides excellent benefits such as unlimited coffee and an office dress code that permits flip flops. Originally from Texas, she now lives in the Middle East with her husband, son and seriously spoiled dog. She’s currently at work on the first books in two new series. For more information, please visit www.KelseyBrowning.com.

Challenging couples in love is fun. We get to take two wonderful people who are really just perfect for each other, and make them suffer. If you’re cringing at the very idea, you’re not alone — most of us became romance writers because we believe in happy endings, and we hate to see the people we care about suffering!

So all too often, we don’t let it happen. My critique partner used to warn me, “Laurie, you’re acting like a counselor again…you’re trying to fix these people’s problems in Chapter Two. 

You gotta make ‘em suffer.” And I’d flinch — “I don’t wanna be mean to these people!”

 But of COURSE they need to go through that suffering in order to deserve their happy ending. Who’s gonna want a book where everything goes perfectly from page 1 right to the end? By the time our characters are marching up the aisle to their happily-ever-after, everyone’s bored.

So we writers are actually being very NICE by challenging these couples. Because we’re saving our readers from boredom…we’re giving them something to root for.

Which means we need to take two people who really are just perfect for each other, let them fall in love, and then show how loving each other makes their world a lot tougher. Yet BECAUSE they love each other, they can’t just walk out. (If they could, we wouldn’t have a book.)

So we’ve got these two swell people, and they’re both reasonably intelligent and reasonably kindhearted and reasonably willing to compromise. (If not, it means one of the characters is a jerk.) But if they’re BOTH nice, competent, good-hearted people, how can there possibly be conflict between them?

That’s a question that marriage counselors face every day. And they’ve saved us a lot of work, because the American Association of Marriage & Family Therapists has come up with a list of the seven basic conflicts that are most likely to cause problems between couples in love.

These aren’t weird, exotic conflicts like “she’s a mermaid who has to live in the ocean; he’s a birdman who has to live in the sky.” Or “one’s a vicious child-abusing serial killer; the other is an angel come to life.” (Not to say you couldn’t get a decent conflict out of that situation, but it’s not one that troubles many couples.)

No, what we want are realistic conflicts. Things that could bother any couple…things that might’ve even bothered US at some point. Things that can tear a couple apart — or, if you want a happy ending, that can be overcome when the couple is willing to work at it.

So, those seven basic issues are:

1. GENDER ROLES (things like who should make decisions for the castle, who should change the flat tire, who should nurture or protect the other one?)
2. LOYALTIES (where does each person rank the importance of family, work, community, friends, etc?)
3. PRIVACY (is each person a “glommer,” who likes to glom onto their loved ones and spend as much time together as possible, or a non-glommer who wants more time alone? Either can work fine, but couples are a lot better off when they’re both the same type.)
4. MONEY (how does their approach to earning-spending- saving reflect their values? It’s not too likely their choices will be a perfect match.)
5. SEX (when-where-how-why-what? It can be a huge source of conflict in real life, but sex rarely creates problems in a romance novel…well, unless maybe they break the bed?)
6. POWER (or CONTROL can be the worst of all, showing up in any of the other areas or in unrelated areas — like who decides on the dinner menu?)
7. CHILDREN (should we have any? How should we raise them? What about kids from a previous marriage?)

Now, children aren’t usually a problem during the first date. The problems change as the relationship develops, and a hero & heroine probably aren’t going to run into any issues about privacy while they’re gazing rapturously at each other. Once they’ve been together a while, that’s a whole different story.

A first-date problem might be something like Gender Roles — he expects to pay for everything and she expects to at least buy the popcorn — or Loyalty — he wants an evening for just the two of them; she wants to give her sister a ride home since they’re driving that way.

But whether it’s on the first date or later in life, any of those problems can create wonderful conflict for your characters! 

And we NEED those issues — because, in romance novels just like in real life, no couple ever gets by without facing some kind of challenge.

Some challenges bring the couple closer together. Some drive them apart. And depending on whether we’re setting up the black moment or the happy ending, we can make it happen either way in our books.

Let’s take a shot at this — think about Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler. Which of those seven areas do you think bothered them? Or how about Beauty and the Beast? Elizabeth and Darcy? Buffy and Angel? Ross and Rachel?

Along with any questions on making things better or worse, I’d love to get your opinion on which of the seven issues challenge the couple in a book YOU love — one you’re writing, one you’ve read…

And since I believe in rewarding people who post, this weekend we’ll have a drawing where somebody wins free registration to one of my upcoming online classes: “His Personality Ladder” or “Plotting Via Motivation.” So I can’t wait to hear your thoughts and/ or questions on challenging couples in love!

RUers, what’s the biggest “challenge” you’ve forced on your hero and heroine in one of your books?

Don’t forget to join us Monday when Tracey Devlyn talks about the benefits of recruiting a beta reader (or two).

BIO

Laurie Schnebly Campbell (www.booklaurie.com) grew up in a family that discussed psychology around the dinner table. With a marriage counselor for a mother, she felt well equipped to get her romance-novel couples to a happy ending…which might be what helped her win “Best Special Edition of the Year” over Nora Roberts. 

The only thing she loves more than writing romance is working with other writers, which is why she now teaches an online class every month and has written a book for novelists who want to create believable characters with built-in fatal (or not quite fatal) flaws.

Here’s Wayne!

Since March is Women’s History Month, I thought I would honor my woman and the history we’ve shared together.

Ria and I met in 1980, when I was 19, with long hair and torn jeans. I transferred into her class on the second week of school. She watched as I spoke with the professor. Having learned to appreciate the pleasures of having a “project” from her creative and adventurous mother, Ria thought to herself, “I can do something with that.”

Besides cute and petite, I could tell she was smart. That’s why I would glance over, from time to time, to see what she had written…on her tests. You see, I was pretty smart, too. We began to talk a bit, the two of us, and a few others in class. We became friendly classmates. Naturally, I thought she’d like to go out with me. So I asked. She said “no.”

What Ria didn’t know at the time was that I had learned to never take “no” for an answer. Having been somewhat unsupervised for most of my childhood, I learned “on the streets” that there was always an angle, always a way to “yes.”

I tried again. She said I was “too young for her, not worldly enough.” She must have really enjoyed playing with me, like a cat with a trapped mouse. I was younger, that was true. But “unworldly?” Ha! Eventually, I wore her down.

I had two tickets to Benny Goodman and His Classical Trio. She had a car. She came to pick me up at my apartment. She was early. I was half-dressed, ironing my shirt. She liked that, a lot. I’m referring to the ironing. Turns out, she was quite the domestic. You never know what excites a woman. That’s why we men have to pay attention. They’re not all alike!

Her car was a ‘62 Fiat 1100 with suicide doors. Awesome. We laughed. I mean we laughed all evening. What a night. She drove me home. After I kissed her goodnight, she patted my shoulder as I exited the car. (Now, she claims she was actually pushing me out of the car. Revisionist history, as far as I’m concerned.) That pat sealed the deal. I knew I would marry this girl. I wrote a letter to myself that night stating just that. Three years later, to the day, we opened that letter on our wedding night.

I was a boy when we met. She stood by my side as I clumsily made my way toward adulthood. Despite the curve balls I’ve thrown at her (though at the time they always felt like the curve balls life was throwing at me), she never wavered. I mean NEVER.

Through raising two kids, changing careers, starting businesses, caring for aging parents, having money, not having money, growing up, getting older, foolish schemes, hospital visits, old pain, doubt and fear, and a lot of rescued animals, my wife has taught me the meaning of unconditional love.

She’s always cared about me, always wanted me to be happy, always believed in me (though I often doubted myself), always made me feel like I was better than I knew I really was. She taught me what a strong, loving marriage looks like. She had the patience and faith that I would become the husband and father she had imagined I could be, as I walked into that classroom and became…her biggest “project.”

Twenty-nine years later, my history with Ria has taught me much of what I know and teach about long-term committed relationships. Now, as I guide men through their relationships, help them to understand themselves and their women, and inspire them to believe that there’re better than they think they are, it’s my history with my woman that guides me.

Ladies, I hope you do for your man what mine has done for me. And men, I recommend you make an effort to honor your history with your woman this month…and every month.

RU Crew, tell us a little about your history with your significant other. Who was the instigator in your relationship and how has your relationship changed since you first met?

Be sure to join us Friday when author Kristan Higgins chats with us about the author/editor relationship after a book sale.

Wayne’s Bio:

Wayne M. Levine, M.A. is the director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, CA, where he coaches and mentors men, and facilitates men’s groups. He also created the BetterMen Retreats for men, and for fathers and sons. In addition, Wayne is the founder of BetterMen.org, a life coaching and mentoring resource for men.

Wayne’s interest in men’s issues began in the early ‘90s with his participation in men’s work activities. His experiences with men’s groups, as a participant, leader and program developer, taught Wayne to “father” men and to support them in making difficult and important changes in their lives.

He earned his Master’s in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University/Los Angeles. Wayne also received his BA in journalism and graduated Magna Cum Laude and Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Southern California.

Wayne’s been married to his first and only wife, Ria, for over 25 years and is the proud daddy of Emma, Austin and the family’s menagerie of animals.  Wayne strives to be a better man, husband and father each day in Oak Park, CA.

Kelsey: What’s your marital status?

Trace: Separated, going through a divorce.

Kelsey: Were you looking for a marriage partner before you married?

Trace: Yes

Kelsey: If so, what strategies were you using to meet “the one?”

Trace: Guess I really didn’t have a “strategy.” I wasn’t attending different churches, bars, grocery stores, websites or anything else with the intentions of finding the right one. That may be part of the reason I’m in the situation I’m in. I was just going through life looking for love and happiness. Looking for the right woman to share my life with and to start and raise a family together. That person would complete me as a human.

Kelsey: What prompted your decision to get married?

Trace: I was in love with the girl and didn’t want to spend a day without her. Thought she was the right one. Things change, and you have to first notice that, and address the changes as time goes on or bad things can happen.

Kelsey: Before you married, what were your expectations of marriage?

Trace:  Until death do us part. Expected it to be a long journey full of laughs, tears, smiles, hugs, and compromise. I always thought it would take work and commitment from both parties. Lots of work with the goal in mind to raise a family and retire to spend the golden years together. 

Kelsey: What surprises have you encountered in your marriage?  

Trace: Divorce. The good days and bad days were expected in any relationship. Also how much people can change. I think part of the problem with American marriages today is the woman marries the man thinking she can change those few things about him she doesn’t like. The man marries the woman not wanting her to change. Then over time, those few things in the man never change and the woman does. Creates problems and unhappiness. Not saying this is every case, but instead speaking in general terms. 

Kelsey: How do you think men’s and women’s expectations of marriage differ?

Trace: Oh man, tough one. If I had a good answer, things may be different. I think the man expects the woman to meet his physical and social needs more so than the others. I think the woman expects the man to meet her emotional needs and be the provider she is looking for. To provide security, stability, and emotional support for her.

Kelsey: What do you think couples can do to keep their marriages strong?

Trace: Communicate, communicate…and did I say communicate? This is the key. It takes lots of work to make it “as great as great can be.” Without communication, you are wandering in the dark and can miss the target completely. The second is to put the needs of you mate ahead of your own sometimes. Making sure you are considering her/him as much as you consider yourself. I guess that’s a nice way to say there is no room for selfishness in the relationship. The last thing is don’t let the sun go down on your anger. I read that in a book, so it’s not original knowledge.

Kelsey: If you had it to do over again, how would your decisions or expectations be different?

Trace: Honestly, I don’t have an answer for this right now. I’m sure I’ll come to some conclusions over time, but I’ve not spent very much time considering this in my life. I never thought I would be in the situation I’m in and have not spent any time considering what I would do (until now, of course). Now my thoughts are on the situation and I can’t consider how or what I will do differently in the future. With children involved, I don’t see myself doing it [getting married] again. I do believe that will change with time, but right now that’s how I see it. I’m sure with time my thoughts may change, but right now it’s the last thing I’m worried about.

For our readers, what do you think of Trace’s thoughts on men’s and women’s expectations of marriage? Is he on target? And what can we do to make sure expectations are met in marriage or other committed relationships?

Be sure to stop by Friday when author Lori Brighton will chat about the all-important first page!

Today is a continuation of our Man Panel post from December 9, and we take out Man Panel into third base territory, below the waist. If you missed it, check out Part I to find out which of our guys are breast men…

Serving on today’s Man Panel are: Rob, age 38; Ethan, age 21; Jack, age 50-something; Trace, age 40.

Feet

Rob

Turn-on: Nice and soft well pampered and sexy

Turn-off: Banked up and cracked dry with a bad smell

Trace

Turn-off: I don’t even think about them.

Jack

Turn-on: I don’t have any foot turn-on’s or fetishes. Although, I do like the look of French manicures or is that a French pedicure?

Turn-off: More than six toes on one foot.

Ethan

Turn-on: Clean feet in open toed shoes with polished toe nails.

Turn-off: When a girl wears heels and doesn’t know how to walk in them or complains about how much her shoes hurt. That’s an intelligence test right there – if you know you’ll be doing a lot of walking, wear more comfortable shoes. Guys will not pity you if your feel hurt, they will just think you’re stupid.

Legs

Rob

Turn-on: Long lean legs with shapes and tone skinny ankles

Turn-off: Straight plain with cankles

Trace

Turn-on: Shaven
Turn-off: Unshaven

Jack

Turn-on: Long legs that are firm and slender. But a woman doesn’t have to be tall to have long legs. The legs just need to be proportioned a little longer that the upper torso on a woman of average height.

Turn-off: Second only to hairy armpits, legs on a woman that are hairier than mine are a definite a turn-off.

Ethan

Turn-on: Long slender legs mostly hidden behind a flowing dress in heels.

Turn-off: Spider veins and cellulite. And just because you don’t have skinny legs isn’t a turn off, but wearing a pair of daisy dukes with them is.

Butt

Rob

Turn-on: High and tight

Turn-off: Soft and sloppy or just flat

Trace

Turn-on: Covered just a little with sexy stuff from VS or Fred’s.
Turn-off: Too large or without any definition.

Jack

Turn-on: I might be sounding a little redundant, but firm and proportioned wins the turn-on challenge. The biggest turn-on however is the area where the lowest part of the back meets the very top of the butt and the lowest part of the butt meets the highest part of the leg. Those are great spots to explore with soft kisses and gentle — oops, sorry! I’m digressing.

Turn-off: Butts that should be de-emphasized because of their disproportioned size that are squeezed into clothing that makes you wonder, “what was that woman thinking when she decided to wear that?”

Ethan

Turn-on: A firm round butt. Big is ok, but I don’t want to be scared that you’ll knock over tables when you turn around.

Turn-off: When it’s just not there…going straight from legs to back with nothing in between. I also don’t like when girls wear clothes that don’t flatter themselves. I realize that there are many different shapes and sizes out there, but be smart when you put clothes on – there on some things depending on your body shape that you just should not wear.

Any Other Body Part(s) 

Rob

Turn-on: Brains

Turn-off: Dumb as a stump

Trace

Turn-on: Brain, brain and the brain. May be the sexiest part of a woman. Now don’t get me wrong, these others are very important; and required at various degrees, but I love an intelligent woman.

Ethan

Turn-on: If they have the stomach for it, a belly button piercing is dead sexy. I also really like long slender necks and think that there’s just about nothing in the world sexier than bare shoulders.

Turn-off: Too much makeup, the downfall of many an almost-pretty woman.

I don’t know about our readers, but I was heartened to see that a couple of our guys are adamant about smart women being a turn-on! Now, you tell us, what do YOU think turns men on or off?

Be sure to join us Friday when Special guest Tracey Colson-Kensinger starts us off on the right track with her New Year inspiration.

Serving on today’s Man Panel are: Rob, age 38; Ethan, age 21; Jack, age 50-something; Trace, age 40.

NOTE: Our guys had a lot to say on this topic, so today we’re going to stay above the waist. Join us on January 6 as we head into third base territory.

Hair

Rob    

Turn-on: Long and curly

Turn-off: Sloppy

Trace

Turn-on: Long or short. Dark is my first choice and well kept is the key.

Turn-off: Messy, unhealthy or just on someone that doesn’t care that much.

Jack

Turn-on: I’m partial to blonde, but long or short, pony tailed or braided makes little difference to me. I’m turned on by a hair style that fits the personality and features of the woman. Is she sophisticated, intelligent, playful, or tom-boyish? Is she all of these things at different times? A woman’s choice of hair style should complement her personality and if she can pull off a different look to fit the mood that’s a bigger turn on.

Turn-off: Hair that looks like it hasn’t been washed or cared for. Hair that’s over styled or over colored.

Ethan 

Turn-on: I like being able to play with hair. So anything that’s touchable. It doesn’t really matter whether it’s curly straight just as long as it’s touchable. Some of the times I find my girlfriend most attractive is when she has her hair up in a pony tail just lounging around in sweats and a t-shirt, no effort necessary.

Turn-off: Greasy hair and dandruff. Also, there are two hairstyles that should never be worn by anyone. The first is the bump. It’s awful. The second is the straight hair with straight bangs going across the forehead right above the eyes. Not attractive either. Oh, and super fake platinum blonde hair.

Eyes

Rob

Turn-on: Any two that looks good in her head

Turn-off: She looks like a mad scientist or cross-eyed

Trace

Turn-on: I like to see a sparkle in them, ones full of life.

Turn-off: Full of evil, anger, or without zeal for life.

Jack

Turn-on: Eyes that have flecks of colors mixed in with the primary color — very sexy. Eyes the color of a wolf’s, would be very sexy and very scary, but I guarantee men wouldn’t be able to look away. I would be remiss if I didn’t say that eyes that light up when a woman smiles is a turn-on and, last but not least, eyes that hint at a little mischievousness when accompanied with a smile are a turn-on.

Turn-off: I can’t think of one.

Ethan

Turn-on: Smiling with your eyes.

Turn-off: Clumpy eyelashes from too much mascara. Or creepy colored contact lenses

Lips/Mouth

Rob

Turn-on: Two lips and not so opinionated

Turn-off: No lips and very outspoken

Trace

Turn-on: I prefer lip stick on the lips and for them to be kissable. Other than that, no preference

Turn-off: One that talks too loud or talks too much.

Jack

Turn-on: Oh my god, there are so many jokes I could share right now, but I’ll remain focused. I like lips that are invitingly full with a mouth that is wide enough to soften the fullness. This might sound like double-talk but it’s not. Full puffy lips on a small mouth can make a woman look like she is always sucking on a lemon and thin lips on a wide mouth can make a woman look like the Grinch. Lips that are well proportioned and natural are a turn-on.

Turn-off: Lips that have been Botoxed; too much lipstick and lipstick that is too red or dark

Ethan

Turn-on: A bright smile behind kissable lips. Also I’ve always thought a lip ring was really hot.

Turn-off: Chapped lips, bad breath, yellow teeth, LIPSTICK ON YOUR TEETH. You don’t even need lipstick. Lip gloss or chapstick is sufficient.

Breasts

Rob

Turn-on: Two any size

Turn-off: Fake boobs

Trace

Turn-on: More so than the butt or legs. Like them just about any way they come

Turn-off: Nothing comes to mind.

Jack

Turn-on: Big, huge, ginormious — I thought I would get the answer that most women expected out of the way. Actually, I’ve never been captivated or enamored by large breasts. Like legs, lips and mouths breasts that are proportionate to the rest of the body are a good foundation for the “turn-on” breasts. Turn-ons are breast that are proportionately well shaped with a little poutiness (the nipple a little higher on the median line). The nipple is actually the biggest turn-on related to a woman’s breast. A nipple that is responsive to slight teasing touches or soft warm breath is a big turn-on. Please don’t make me describe “responsive”.

Turn-off: Women who think they have great beasts by virtue of their size and dress to show them off to the world.

Ethan

Turn-on: I’m definitely a boob man. There’s not really a particular size that I like, both petite and athletic or a more voluptuous and curvy can be incredibly sexy.

Turn-off: Big saggy boobs. But really, is that surprising? Oh, and here’s a little rule of thumb I use when deciding in my head if a girl is fat: if her stomach sticks out farther than her boobs, she’s fat. Otherwise, she’s just curvy. I realize that it gives petite girls a slight disadvantage, but hey, it is what it is.

RU crew, do you think the members of our Man Panel were completely honest? If you’re a woman, will their answers change how you view yourself? If you’re a man, are these guys on target with what you find attractive?

Please be sure to stop by Friday when agent Holly Root is here to talk about publishing contracts!

Serving on today’s Man Panel are: Rob, age 38; Ethan, age 21; Jack, age 50-something; Trace, age 40.

Jack Russell kicks us off by stating: The perfect Man World? Thank god men weren’t given the power to create it. Let’s just say that in the “perfect” man world we would self-destruct by age thirty — um, make that twenty-five. It’s kind of the kid in the candy shop thing. So instead of creating the “perfect” man-world I’ll remain grounded in reality and share the “Best I Could Hope For” man world.

Car

Rob: SUV and sports car

Ethan: Truck. Done and done. And not a wimpy little Toyota truck that rides as tall as a Honda. A REAL truck. Currently I have an old half broken down Dodge Ram 1500 with 4 wheel drive for off-roading and I love it (minus the half broken down part…).

Jack: Limited edition of course; Fast; Black; Lots of chrome, real chrome not the plastic stuff; Bitchen stereo system; Leather appointments; and, electronic gadgets out-the-ass. And, did I mention fast?

Trace: One that has very clean lines, conforming interior, awesome sound system, class, sleek engineering, and lots of muscle. This car would have a body that is medium in size, adequate head room and seating for 4, and is very defined in its curves in its rear fenders, quarter panels and hood. Under the hood is lots of horse power and has a sound that is distinctive and specific to this car only. Gas mileage isn’t near as important as power and speed. Like a 2010 Camaro RS 2SS.

Food

Rob: Yes and a lot of it even better if we are going out for it

Ethan: Grilling my own steak outside in 74 degrees and sunny while sipping on a beer and listening to music full blast while watching football on a 72” plasma screen in HD. That would be heaven.

Jack: Pizza! Lunch or dinner and especially the day after for breakfast cold right from the refrigerator.

Trace: Is different depending on the occasion. It has to fit the environment and social group which it is being served. It will be accompanied by the perfect drink or it’s not the perfect food. Most of the time a hotter and spicier flavor is preferred over any other option. I prefer Mexican over any other choice most of the time with Tequila in some form.

Vacation

Rob: 3 a year

Ethan: I love to travel and experience different cultures. My favorite vacation though would be relaxing on a beach with a good book and a drink hearing the waves crash in the background.

Jack: Warm tropical location along the ocean with warm night breezes — the fewer the clothes the better and definitely no dress-up clothes packed in the suitcase; Bare feet or sandals; No crowds and no particular place you have to be. A few years ago my wife surprised me with a vacation to the quiet remote northwest shores of Maui. It was the best vacation I ever had.

Trace: Sun, ocean, sandy beach accompanied by a great book, iPod, and a cold drink of choice in my hand.

Pet

Rob: Take it or leave it…but if I take it, it would be a large dog

Ethan: I want a boxer so bad it’s not even funny. His name would be either Leonidas or Maximus.

Jack: There’s only one pet worth having and that’s a dog. I like real dogs with real dog names — not fluffy or precious, a dog that is loyal and protective of one master and only responds to the commands given by its owner. I’m going to go out on a limb here and state that unless you’re a man over the age of 70 living in Florida and wear black socks and dress shoes with Bermuda shorts, you shouldn’t have a dog that looks like a mutant rodent. I currently have a 70 pound boxer/husky mix dog named Brody who is definitely loyal and protective, but I have to admit needs some work on obeying commands.

Trace: A well trained dog.

Woman

Rob: Yes, someone easy on the eyes and fun to talk to…not high maintenance

Ethan: The perfect woman…I feel like this is a question I could get in trouble for answering…but the perfect woman, besides being beautiful (but not so much that every other guy is trying to steal her from you) would be able to cook FANTASTIC food, be able to throw a football, have intelligent conversations, be comfortable around my friends, not be scared to drink a beer instead of a mixed drink, know when to argue and when to concede, and not withhold…

Jack: Intelligent but never condescending; Reflective but never moody; Prioritizes my needs above hers; Is an energy giver not an energy drainer; Sleeps naked; Thinks I’m the most handsome and sexiest man alive or dead; and, quickly forgives me when I’ve made an ass out of myself. I’m actually deeply in love with and married to a beautiful woman who comes pretty damn close to my “perfect” woman — If I could only convince her to sleep naked.

Trace: One that is by my side at all times because she loves me and knows I love her. She is classy, educated, attractive, a little country as well as refined. She is funny, and a little naïve. She makes me want to be better each day.

Sport

Rob: Football and Softball / Baseball

Ethan: Football reigns supreme.

Jack: I’m a huge fan of mixed martial arts. And yes, I believe it is a sport. Its one-on-one competitive contact that requires athletic skill, tremendous conditioning, controlled aggression and a warrior’s heart. Any man who has been in a real fight at some point in his life knows what I’m talking about. I don’t like aggression in day to day life and believe intellectual discussion is the correct means to resolve conflict.  But in a controlled setting with rules to prevent serious injury combat sports are true tests of one man’s ability to physically dominate another. Sorry ladies, it’s a man thing.

Trace: One that matches the mental aspect of the game with the physical requirements. Golf and baseball are two great examples.

Hobby

Rob: Driving my Sports car  / SUV to the airport to go on vacation with a women take in a sport event and some good food in warm weather then hit the beach to get her in a bikini

Ethan: I enjoy reading a good book, especially the classics. Currently I’m reading the unabridged Oxford World Classic version of Count of Monte Cristo.

Jack: I’ll let you know when I settle on one, but archery is coming close to being my first hobby.

Trace: One that takes a little time and gives my mind and body a break from the demands of life and being a husband/dad. It’s something that I can do a regular basis.

Drink

Rob: VODKA

Ethan: Route 44 Dr. Pepper with extra Sonic ice – there is not a drink in this world more refreshing than that.

Jack: Full bodied red wines, but a cold beer on a hot summer day can be really, really good. Amstel Light is a good choice for beer.

Trace: Melon Rita. That equal parts Tequila, Watermelon Liquor, and Sweet and Sour.

Job

Rob: Not really into that but she should work…lol

Ethan: My dream job is to be a linguist and study the origins of development of languages and how they are interrelated. Oh yea, and have that actually pay money…which is why I’m pursuing my second choice – engineering.

Jack: If I had the ability to restart a career I’d be a dentist. I know what you’re thinking; a dentist doesn’t evoke an image of a mysterious, dark and handsome manly man or a powerful, wealthy world dominating man. But, right from the get-go they’re their own boss, set their own hours, make good money and — OK you’re right, I was kidding. My perfect man job, however, is a self-made business man billionaire making more money than I could ever spend.  Don’t try to tell me that money can’t buy happiness. It can buy a lot of happiness. And, if I couldn’t be a self made billionaire, I would want to be a cowboy.

Trace: One that is in and out of the office. Making a difference in people’s lives and changing the world to a better place. Kind of like the one I have now without the corporate stuff that comes down with it.

Weekend

Rob: Sunday Football and Sauce with pasta and lots of garlic bread    YUM!!!!

Ethan: My perfect weekend would involve sleeping in and making pancakes for breakfast, doing something outside (rock climbing, Frisbee, camping), a fancy date out at a nice restaurant and then going out to a play, watching Sunday football with the guys, and a good cigar. All of that in one weekend would make up the perfect weekend.

Jack: Driving to an out-of-the-way location with my wife. I have the best time when we jump in the car and go for the day or overnight. We even have a ritual of making our first stop Starbucks for coffee and McDonald’s for egg McMuffins. We’ll drive to a Historic town and walk through the local shops or drive to a state forest and hike the trails.

Trace: Full of friends, food, live music and dancing. Lots of down time for cooking accompanied by a beverage of choice and finished off with night life on the dance floor, enjoying each other’s company and having fun.

Sexual Position

Rob: What ever gets you off …then try what she likes

Ethan: Reverse cowgirl. ’Nuff said.

Jack: Whichever one is working at the time. And, sometimes more than one at the same time.

Trace: If we are hot and passionate, stooped doggy dog. Slow and intimate, missionary with my body weight resting on top of her, her legs wrapped around me.

RUers, did our Man Panel’s perfect Man World surprise you? If so, why? Did you learn something new about men’s deepest desires? Members of our Man Panel might stop by on and off today so feel free to toss out questions!

Don’t forget to join us Friday when Theresa Stevens discusses passive and literary writing!

Today, I’m dancing a jig at the thought of discussing the kind of men (at least fictional men) many of us like most. That’s right, today’s interview with author Jami Alden is all about the A-Man, the alpha male. What’s essential in this type of character and how should writers construct him? Jami will answer those questions and more.

Thanks for being with us today, Jami!

Kelsey: Could you define the alpha male/hero for our readers?

Jami: I follow a pretty standard definition:  a hero who is a natural leader, one who doesn’t necessarily know all of the answers, but is wicked smart and confident in his abilities as a problem solver to figure his way out of a tough spot.  He tends not to be superficially emotional.  That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care deeply, it just means he doesn’t spend a lot of time sitting around, talking about his feelings.  He’s single-minded and goal oriented, which can sometimes cause him to come off as brusque and insensitive.  Physically, he’s imposing, tall, strong, athletically fit, and generally hotter and sexier than the average guy

Kelsey: What is the most common trait among alpha males?

Jami: I would have to say confidence.  A true alpha is a man who is confident in his ability to overcome challenges and face down the odds. That doesn’t mean he automatically knows the answer or thinks he’s always right, it means that he knows his own abilities, is smart enough to know his limitations and capabilities, and brave enough to take extreme risks when necessary.  He’s the guy who can overcome almost any obstacle no matter what form the obstacle takes. 

Kelsey: Are all your heroes alphas?

Jami: Yes.  I love reading Alphas, and for me, there’s something really sexy about a man who can take charge of a situation.  I’m going to sound so anti-feminist here, but there’s something so appealing about offloading everything onto a pair of big broad shoulders and saying, “Why don’t you just handle it?” and having absolute confidence that it will indeed be handled!

Kelsey: What’s your process for constructing an alpha character?

Jami: Wow, I have no idea!  I guess I have a construct based on the characteristics I mentioned, and then I add the finish work to round out his personality.  Is he a strong, silent type, or quick witted and ready with a snappy comeback?  Does he linger in the shadows observing the crowd, or does he swagger into a room and take it over?  It’s all that finish work that’s the fun, but also challenging part. 

Kelsey: Any trait that’s a “must have?”

Jami: I’m so cliché, but for me, aside from the confidence and intelligence that I mentioned, my heroes have to be physically imposing and attractive, even if it’s not in a conventional way.  I like my heroes big, muscular, with chiseled features, big appetites, -  testosterone overload all the way! My favorite heroes are those whose outside strength matches their inner strength. 

Kelsey: What type of heroine do you typically pair with an alpha hero?

Jami: Well, every alpha, no matter how perfect, has a flaw, so I try to choose a heroine who’s going to hit him right in that weak spot!  For example, in my latest book, Unleashed, I have a hero, Danny, who’s very smart, very strong, very no nonsense.  At the same time, he’s totally emotionally closed off.  He thinks love is nothing but an excuse people use for their dumb decisions.  So I paired him with Caroline, his ex girlfriend, the only woman he ever loved, the woman who broke his heart, the only woman who knows just how vulnerable to love Danny can be. 

Kelsey: Do you have any tips for writing the alpha hero?

Jami: First and foremost, don’t force it. If you don’t love reading alpha heroes, and you don’t love the idea of an alpha hero, you won’t be able to write one with conviction.  You have to fall in love with your hero before anyone else can.  Other than that, my biggest tip is watch your language and be careful about your word choice. When you’re in the hero’s POV, ask yourself, “would any straight man actually use this word or phrase to describe what he’s thinking or feeling?” 

Kelsey: Could you suggest resources or authors that our readers might use to learn to write the alpha hero?

Jami: I personally think Linda Howard writes fantastic alpha heroes, as does Shannon McKenna.  I also love Julie Garwood’s older historicals – she was so great at writing Alpha heroes who weren’t at all cruel, just products of their time and cluelessness!  I also think it’s a great idea, no matter what subgenre you write in, to watch male oriented movies and TV programs.  A few I can think of off the top of my head are Black Hawk Down, Rescue Me

RU readers, do you have questions about how to write a believable alpha male your readers can fall in love with? Also – who are your favorite A-Men?

Please stop back by on Friday when author Therese Walsh is here to chat about the differences between romance and women’s fiction.

Jami Alden is the Holt Medallion nominated author sexy romantic suspense.  Her latest novel, Unleashed, is the third installment in the successful Gemini Men trilogy published by Kensington Brava. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her socially well adjusted alpha male husband, her sons, and a german shepherd who patiently listens to dialog and help her work out plot points. You can find out more about Jami and her books at www.JamiAlden.com

Fast forward to the radio show hosts dissecting this.  There are two men and two women on this radio show.  The two men said the boyfriend didn’t lie because he had not “been with” the ex.  They agreed with how he handled it.  The two women on the show were not so agreeable.  They felt the boyfriend lied because he should have said he saw her.  The men argued that the question was whether or not he’d “been with” her and he answered truthfully.

Splitting hairs?  Absolutely.  But I found it fascinating how heated the conversation became.

I decided to give our man panel this scenario and let them have at it.  As usual, they didn’t disappoint.  Here’s what Ethan, Jack Russell and Rob had to say.

Man Panel Question:  If you had been the man in this instance, would you have done what the boyfriend did or would you have admitted seeing her?

Dang, that’s intense! If I was in the same situation though, I’m sure that I would have handled it the same way. Even if the “been with” wasn’t sexual or intimate in nature, which I would have interpreted it to be, it would at the most be considered meeting up for dinner, lunch, or coffee. If you run into somebody at a golf outing, you can truthfully say that you have not “been with” that person. Then again, it might have been a good idea to mention that he saw her the other day and it was awkward or she looked ugly or something along those lines.

Really, it seems pretty ridiculous. I would hope that a girl really wouldn’t break up with a guy over that. If she did, then they obviously had serious communication problems and that was more or less just the straw that broke the camel’s back. And since it was a “reality” show, the drama may have been encouraged….just saying.   :)

Ethan

“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive”. Sir Walter Scott must have also learned the hard way. The boyfriend should have responded with “No, I was not with her, but she was at the golf outing”. End of discussion, right?

Not a chance!

I think everyone realizes that there’s more to this story than was reported. But, working with what we know, I believe the guy’s response was a lie. In my opinion a lie doesn’t need to be spoken, it can be a silent deception. He knew what his current girlfriend meant by the question. Every guy, including the two male radio hosts, knows what the current girlfriend really wanted to know. She wanted to know if he saw her, glanced at her, heard her voice, approached her, talked to her, thought about her, or by means of any of his five senses had contact with her. She even wanted to know if any connection occurred between the two of them by means of mystic or otherworldly channeling. Every guy also knows that the time frame attached to the question includes every minute, hour, day, week or year that preceded the question.

Therefore, by choosing to answer the question with a response that falsely presumed that his current girlfriend only wanted to know if he scored a hole-in-one with the ex-girlfriend was disingenuous to say the least. The possibility that the current girlfriend may have been unreasonably jealous without basis or cause and was going to make this guy’s life a living hell didn’t change the deception to truth.

Now that I’ve shared my opinion of lies vs. truth, I guess I better answer the question you posed to the panel.  Before I answer the question however, I need to relate something I’ve learned about human nature. It is human nature to lie when we believe we’ve done something wrong. We learn this before we’re even old enough to understand the concept of right and wrong and we carry this self preservation mechanism into adulthood. We know punishment follows wrong and we lie to avoid it. It takes a concerted and deliberate effort to unlearn this behavior. So, let’s not be too hard on this guy–or me.

There was a time that I would have taken the approach the guy in question did and say no, I hadn’t “been with” her and hoped for the best even though I knew I was being dishonest by not revealing all the information. I was the king of argument avoidance. As I’ve gotten older and have experienced more and more of life’s trials, both personal and  through observations of other people’s experiences, I’ve come to realize that the outcome of this approach is never good and most times worse than the outcome of being open and honest from the start. I’ve been on both sides of the equation and when someone you care about intentionally withholds information from you, or is deceitful, it hurts. I really believe (unless you’re a sociopath) that no one wants to be the cause of, or the recipient of hurtful acts. Under the circumstance that existed for the guy in the TV reality show, I hope I would have suppressed the human nature response, and said, “If you mean did I have sex with her? Absolutely not, but she was at the golf outing. Let’s sit down and talk about the worries you have about my previous relationship.”  From that point on I would answer all her follow-up questions. Sounds pretty simple doesn’t it?

I really wish I could invent an easy button for relationships.

Jack Russell

It’s a no-brainer.  If you are in a good relationship you should not have to even give this a second thought.  Yes, I saw her, we said hello.  That’s it. If you lie about it then you are dealing with two other problems A) you still have some deep rooted feelings for the ex or B) you don’t have a good relationship with your current girl or not-so-distant-future X girl.

Rob

Thank you Ethan, Rob and Jack Russell for your honesty. 

To our readers, does it surprise you that the boyfriend in this scenario chose to handle the situation this way?  We’d love to hear from you.

Join us on Friday when author Ann Macela discusses how to prepare a manuscript for submission.