Urban Fantasy author C.J. Redwine is back for another installment of our ever-popular Query Writing 101.  This month, C.J. has chosen a letter from Jennie Bryant . Thanks to C.J. and Jennie! Readers, feel free to post questions for C.J.

Dear Ms. Agent or Editor:

Before I dive into the query itself, I’m going to address the length. This clocks in at just over a page and a half. You have one page MAX. You’re going to need to do some serious tightening to whip this into shape. You need one paragraph setting up Sarah’s character, situation, and goals. One doing the same for Max. One revealing the stakes of the story and what the two must choose/do/overcome and the consequences for failure. And one very streamlined paragraph delivering the mss title, genre, wordcount, any writing credentials you have, and one pithy sentence explaining why you’re querying this agency. (If you want to. That is totally optional.) I’m going to help you cut, cut, cut. Ready? Deep breath. Here we go.
 
Thank you for accepting my manuscript sample and giving me a shot at my dream, to become a published writer. It’s a dream that captured me when I picked up my first romance novel many years ago. (All of this can go. They know it’s your dream or you wouldn’t be querying. Use the space for hooking them on your story.) Your agency represents many great, reputable and diverse works that I admire.I think you will enjoy my book, Love and Honor, a contemporary romance between a divorced mom whose life and love faces continuous threats from her past, and the honorable Air Force pilot who struggles to protect her by her side and from abroad. The manuscript is complete at 90,000 words. We can totally streamline this. For example: “LOVE AND HONOR is a contemporary romance complete at 90,000 words. I admire many of the books you represent and feel my novel would be a good fit for your list. Thank you for your time.” I suggest you move this to the end of your query and hook them on your story first. Also, admiring many of the books on their list is a pretty vague reason to query. I’d either mention something specific about the agent, or mention a couple of books that are within your genre that they represent, or leave that part out and slide your writing credentials into that space instead.

So many women dare to fall in love with the man of their dreams, only to have that dream shatter into a nightmare of physical and mental abuse. This whole paragraph needs to go. We don’t care about so many women. We care about Sarah. Let us know in her paragraph that she’s fought hard to survive and be successful in the aftermath of an abusive marriage and that will be good enough.

Sarah is one of the survivors. A thirty-three year old divorcee, she has fought for and found success in the aftermath of her own nightmare. And that success has let her build a new home and a new future for her and her daughter in the small town of Lexington, Michigan for nearly five years. However, her nightmarish past has
left her in a shell, quiet, insecure. And while single life has seemingly suited her just fine, her heart lives in a fantasy world where the “knight in shining armor” still exists. Love the last sentence. I think you can streamline the rest and make it flow better. I’d suggest you carefully read aloud your paragraphs and listen for when your punctuation choices aren’t quite giving you the rhythm you want, or when your sentences feel a bit awkward. Here’s a streamlined version of your own words:

Sarah is a survivor. At thirty-three, she’s fought for and found success in the aftermath of life with an abusive husband. Now, all she wants is to build a new future for herself and her daughter in the small town of Lexington, Michigan. Her nightmarish past, however, has left formerly confident Sarah huddled in a shell of insecurity. She pretends single life suits her just fine, but her heart lives in a fantasy world where her knight in shining armor still exists.

Use what works. Toss the rest. J

Max is a devastatingly handsome man. Of course he is. This is a romance novel. J We don’t care that he’s handsome. We care what kind of man he is. I’d avoid this cliché and give us a connection with him as a person instead.  He has(He’s … using contractions gives you a more contemporary sounding voice.) made a career out of serving his country as an Air Force fighter pilot, learning the old school ideals of hard work, chivalry, integrity, and honor along the way. That old fashioned manliness (Manliness feels like the wrong word to me. Sounds very physical, appearance/strength driven etc. That may be just me.)  blends well with a penchant for charm, wit and romance. It is (It’s) a miracle he hasn’t been caught sooner. Actually, instead of the “it’s a miracle he hasn’t been caught sooner,” let’s do a quick sentence putting him and Sarah together and causing Max to unexpectedly fall head over heels. Then your last paragraph can cover the threat to Sarah, and their response.

Call it fate, clumsiness, or just dumb luck, Sarah’s and Max’s paths keep crossing. Sometimes they cross in an hour of need. Other times they cross in the most peculiar and humorous of ways. Whichever the case, there is a magic drawing these two together that neither can deny. But like all magic, there will always be those who try to ruin the trick. Just do one sentence at the end of the previous paragraph putting these two together and having them fall in love. You don’t need the rest of this.

Sarah’s ex husband Jeff is a man of power and prestige. In his mind, the divorce from Sarah was nothing more than legality. Sarah is still his and always will be. So when Max enters the picture, Jeff reminds Sarah who she belongs to in a terrible way. The jealousy becomes even more dark and sinister when Jeff teams with Max’s divisive sister, Amber, in a fight for family inheritance. What should have been a picture perfect love story has turned into a battle to keep the love alive.  This needs some pruning too. I’d suggest one sentence about Max and Sarah barely beginning their journey towards true love when Sarah’s possessive ex attacks her. Then continue with something like “Jeff isn’t the only one who’ll stop at nothing to cause this relationship to fail.” And finish with something like “With their picture perfect love story turned into a battle to keep love alive, will Max and Sarah defeat those who threaten them and prove once and for all that true love conquers all?” Or whatever actually works for you.

I am a active member of Romance Writers of America and Dallas Area Romance Authors. I have written for a local area website called Today on The Bay,as (missing a space after that comma) an art and entertainment reporter.  I’d use this in place of the “I’m querying you because you rep diverse books” stuff.

I’d be glade (glad) to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration and I look forward to hearing from you. No need to say you’d be glad to send your mss. She knows. J Save the space and just thank her for her time.

Sincerely,

Jennie Bryant

***

Jennie, thank you again for allowing us to use your letter. Let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you. 

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday for Anatomy of the Male Mind.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. She has just a few spaces left in her July Query Workshop. To learn more, go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com.

Hello, everyone!

Join Romance University this week as we discuss query writing, a young adult’s view of the Twilight craze and the paranormal romance sub-genre with authors Angie Fox and Erin Kellison and Dorchester editor Leah Hultenschmidt.

Mon 7/5 – Crafting Your Career: C.J. Redwine returns for another installment of Query Writing 101.

Wed, 7/7 – Anatomy of the Male Mind: Love Bites – Sarah C. shares a young adult’s perspective on the appealing qualities of a tortured vampire and a bad boy werewolf. A look at the Twilight craze.

Fri, 7/9 – Chaos Theory of Writing: Authors Angie Fox and Erin Kellison stop by to chat about the popular paranormal romance sub-genre, and Dorchester editor Leah Hultenschmidt will also drop in to answer questions throughout the day.

All Romance University lectures are generously provided by our Visiting Professors. RU is a tuition-free zone!

Best regards,

Tracey Devlyn, Carrie Spencer, Kelsey Browning & Adrienne Giordano

PS  - Want RU’s weekly lecture schedule in a cool new email format straight to your in-box? Sign up on RU’s homepage or any of the lecture posts!

Good morning and welcome to Crafting Your Career.  Unfortunately, C.J. Redwine could not be with us today for Query Writing 101.

Due to the volume of new readers who may not have seen C.J.’s first post with us, we have an encore for you.  To the wonderful (and dedicated) readers who have been with us since the beginning, we apologize for the repeat. 

How to be an excellent hooker: 

No, not that kind of hooker. I don’t give that kind of knowledge out for free. I’m talking about how to hook an agent, an editor, and ultimately, a reader.

 Before we can talk about what a hook is, we need to talk about what a hook is not.

 A hook is not an introduction of every single character in your novel. Hero, heroine, and villain if you have one-that’s it. You want the heart of the book. Leave the discovery of the other organs to your delighted reader.

 A hook is not a blow by blow explanation of every major plot point. That way lies Query Death, a fate best avoided. Besides, that’s a synopsis, not a hook, and never the two shall meet. You want the spine-the conflict that hurtles your heroine into peril in chapter one and escalates until she finally learns/grows/changes/accepts/acts/does the unthinkable…and comes out a winner on your last page.

 A hook is not a formal, business-y sounding measly paragraph sandwiched between the rest of the stuff in your query. Your hook is your query. The rest is just garnish because if you don’t grab an agent or editor’s attention with your hook, the rest won’t matter anyway.

 Now that we have that out of the way, let’s look at what a hook is.

 A hook is a two to three paragraph blurb that captures both the conflict and the Voice of your manuscript.

 That’s it. Sound simple? If so, please take a moment to slap some sense into yourself and we’ll continue. Condensing your 90k novel of fabulosity into a two-three paragraph blurb is tough. Most of us stink at it the first few times we try it. I know I did. But, like any other area of craft, practice really does make perfect.

 Or pretty close to it.

 How do you write a two-three paragraph blurb capturing the conflict and Voice of your manuscript?

Forget the two-three paragraph thing. Really. I know I just said it, but it’s like the Code on Pirates of the Caribbean. It’s more like guidelines than actual rules. You should feel free to break your hook up as your pacing needs dictate. Take a look at my example to see how I totally flaunted this rule. I did it because it mimics the pacing of my novel (which is one truly excellent way to bring Voice into your hook) and because I was experimenting with throwing business writing rules out the window.

Throw your pre-conceived notions of business writing out the window. Seriously. Yes, a query letter is a business communication and you’re going to keep a business-letter framework by having proper headers, salutations, and a nice tidy paragraph with your writing background and the word count and genre of your manuscript, but that’s where the resemblance ends. Why? Because novel writing is art. Publishing is art meets business. Query letters have to be a successful marriage of both as well. Nothing kills the excitement and Voice of a hook like trying to make it sound business-y.

Understand your novel’s basic conflict. Remember when I said you wanted to only include the spine of the book? A simple formula to help you identify your novel’s basic conflict is this: A must do B to avoid or accomplish C but D is a huge problem.  Fill in the blanks to this and you have your conflict. This is NOT your hook. This is a starting place.

Understand the Voice of your novel. My novel is dark urban fantasy written in a quasi-chick lit voice. Guess what? My hook reveals a dark urban fantasy and is written in a quasi-chick lit voice. The pacing of my hook mimics the pacing of my novel. My MC’s personality comes through. You want to do the same. Identify your novel’s voice. If you’re having trouble understanding how to make the connection between that Voice and your hook, grab five or six books in your genre and read the backs for some inspiration.

Write your hook. Take the conflict, play around with how to present it in the Voice of your manuscript, and tie it all up with either a question (Will Angela throw caution-and her reputation-out the window in time to rescue Jack before the vampires turn him into one of their own?) or a statement letting us know the final stakes (see my hook for an example).

Run it through the Query Shark. (http://queryshark.blogspot.com/) Agent Janet Reid provides an invaluable service to writers by giving honest, knowledgeable feedback on queries (posted anonymously). She’s also been known to request pages from those queries she really likes.

Writing an excellent hook takes perseverance, but when the end result is an agent’s or editor’s interest, the blood, sweat, and multiple revisions you poured into it are worth it. Happy hooking!

 My query:

 Ms. Fabulous Literary Agent
1234 Publishable Ave.
New York City, NY 10001

Dear Ms. Agent,

Alexa Tate is more than human. She can swim underwater without holding her breath, scale a brick building in five seconds flat, and hear the emotions of those about to commit a crime. A secretary by day, she uses her skills to hunt down evil at night. She is stronger, faster, and more lethal than anyone she’s ever met.

Until now.

A non-human hunter has come to town. Using mind-control to inhabit his victims and through them commit unspeakable crimes, the hunter leaves a trail of bodies leading right to Alexa’s door.

Suddenly, Alexa is the prey in an ancient war whose rules she is just beginning to understand.  

To stop the hunter and save those she loves, she must uncover the truth about her origins, keep a certain handsome cop from suspecting her of crimes she may have committed, and unleash the tremendous power locked inside of her without becoming what she fears most: a killer.

Living in New York City can be murder.

Shadowing Fate is an urban fantasy complete at 80,000 words. I’m a member of RWA, and a 2008 Golden Heart finalist. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

C.J. Redwine

***

We’ll see everyone on Wednesday when Wayne Levine will discuss why women don’t want to know what men are thinking.

Hello, everyone!

Check out this week’s lecture schedule!!

Mon 6/7 – Crafting Your Career: C.J. Redwine returns for another installment of Query Writing 101.

Wed, 6/9 – Anatomy of the Male Mind: Wayne Wednesday: Bettermen.org’s Wayne Levine returns with another stirring post about how much women really need or want to know about their men’s activities.

Fri, 6/11 – Chaos Theory of Writing: Should unpublished authors take valuable writing time and use it to begin building a platform? Author Ann Charles says “Yes!”

All Romance University lectures are generously provided by our Visiting Professors. RU is a tuition-free zone!

Best regards,

Carrie Spencer, Kelsey Browning, Adrienne Giordano and Tracey Devlyn

PS  - Want RU’s weekly lecture schedule in a cool new email format straight to your in-box? Sign up on RU’s homepage or any of the lecture posts!

Good morning and welcome to Chaos Theory of Writing! RU Readers are in for a real treat today. Urban Fantasy writer C.J. Redwine switches gears to discuss the art of synopsis writing. If you’re a regular at RU, then you already know how gifted C.J. is at writing query letters. New to RU? Do a search on C.J. Redwine or query letters and browse through her query letter critiques. You won’t be disappointed. I’m convinced C.J.’s critique of my query letter helped me nab not only my dream agent, but my fantastic editor. High-five, C.J.!

Read on for C.J.’s fab thoughts on synopsis writing!

If you’re anything like me, the thought of condensing my 90k novel of fabulosity into a 2-5 page synopsis was about as thrilling a prospect as getting hit by a bus. I stared my manuscript down and felt intimidated enough to worry that while every other writer could summarize their books, I alone could not. Failure, however, was not an option. I needed a synopsis for many of the agents I queried. After I signed with my agent, I needed a synopsis for some of the editors on our list. And when I start a new project, my agent needs to see a general idea of what I think that project will entail. I quickly realized writing a killer synopsis was a skill I had to master.

There are several rules to writing a good synopsis. You’ll be grateful to know avoiding pans of brownies isn’t one of them. No one has proven conclusively that brownie consumption aids in summarizing one’s plot, but then again, no one has proven otherwise either. So, grab a brownie (trust me, it helps) and hang on for a quick crash course in what makes an excellent synopsis and how to go about writing one.

What a synopsis is:

• It’s a narrative summary of your book written in the Voice of your manuscript.
• It’s written in present tense. (“Jack goes to the library.” Not “Jack went to the library.”)
• It’s written in third person.
• It introduces only your main characters, main conflict, and basic emotional arc.
• It delivers major plot twists and your ending. No cliffhangers allowed. Your synopsis must show that your plot has layers and hangs together until the end.
• It mimics the pacing of your novel. It’s like your novel’s Mini Me.

What a synopsis is NOT:

• It’s not a blow by blow summary of every single plot point in your book.
• It’s not a backstory dump. That way lies Synopsis Death.
• It doesn’t introduce every secondary character.
• It’s not a dry list of events; it’s a skillful weaving of your characters, the stakes, and the major plot events that hurtle them from beginning to end.

How to format a synopsis:

• Use the same font as your novel. (Times New Roman or Courier New. I prefer Times New Roman because more words fit on a page.)
• Double space any synopsis over 1 page in length.
• Make sure your novel’s title and your name are in the upper left hand corner.
• You may indent every paragraph, or choose to only indent after you’ve written your main character’s intro paragraphs.
• Introduce your main characters in the beginning paragraph(s) and set up the story there as well.

How long is a synopsis supposed to be?

• There’s no hard and fast answer to this. Some agents want 1-2 pages, some want 5, some don’t care. I write a 5 page and then condense (rather viciously … cue brownie consumption) to 2 pages so that I have one of each.
• If you need to condense, try these tricks: Give your main characters a one sentence intro (including story set up) rather than a paragraph, combine major plot elements into three paragraphs, one for each third of the book, change your font from 12 pt to 11 pt. And have a brownie.

Now that you’re familiar with the basics, how do you summarize your plot? What goes in? What stays out? At its heart, each book has three major sections. I suggest jotting notes beneath each heading and then turning that into a paragraph (or three, depending on the length of the synopsis you’re writing).

• The Precipitating Event: What starts your hero or heroine on their journey? What happens to push them into taking action? What takes them irrevocably from where they were at the beginning of the novel to where they’ll end up when they’re finished?
• The Road of Trials and Tribulations: The middle of your novel is full of bumps and jolts as your hero or heroine works his/her way through the escalating conflict and toward the conclusion. Not all of these trials and tribulations need to make it into your synopsis, but the major ones–the ones that push the emotional arc and the conflict escalation– should.
• The Ultimate Triumph: This starts when the hero/heroine finally confronts the major conflict (the book’s climax) and carries through to their victory, redemption, and resolution. In a shorter synopsis, we don’t need a blow by blow, but we need to know what happens and that it makes sense.

Synopsis writing, like query writing, is a specialized skill that you can learn. It might feel like pulling teeth the first time or two, but it will get easier. Especially with a pan of brownies by your side. Summarize, condense, revise, and then do it all over again until you’re happy with the results. Happy synopsis writing! *hands you a double-fudge tiramisu brownie and a notebook* Now, get to work.

* * *

Thanks, C.J.!

RU Readers, do you have any questions for C.J.? How about any pros and cons you’ve found along the way?

Check back next Monday when  author Victoria Gray reflects on history as a muse – how a heartthrob turned infamous villain, spies in corsets, and a lovestruck senator’s daughter became the inspiration of a trio of Civil War historical romances.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy novels and is repped by Holly Root of Waxman Literary. To learn more about synopsis writing, and to get an in-depth critique of your synopsis, check out her June synopsis workshop at http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com

Hello, everyone!

Romance University lines up another great week with Laurie Schnebly Campbell talking about Alpha Males. See what else is happening this week at RU!

Mon, 5/24 – Crafting Your Career: Agent Scott Eagan discusses the benefits of category romance authors having agent representation.

Wed, 5/26 – Anatomy of the Male Mind: Laurie Schnebly Campbell joins us to talk about why we love (and resent) Alpha Males.

Fri, 5/28 – Chaos Theory of Writing: Urban fantasy writer C.J. Redwine shares her tips on synopsis writing.

All Romance University lectures are generously provided by our Visiting Professors. RU is a tuition-free zone!

Best regards,

Adrienne Giordano, Tracey Devlyn, Carrie Spencer & Kelsey Browning

PS  - Want RU’s weekly lecture schedule in a cool new email format straight to your in-box? Sign up on RU’s homepage or any of the lecture posts!

Urban Fantasy author C.J. Redwine is back for another installment of our ever-popular Query Writing 101.  This month, C.J. has chosen a letter from Cait Donnell. Thanks to C.J. and Cait! Readers, feel free to post questions for C.J.

Dear Ms. Agent or Editor:

 Now You See It  is an 86,000 word romantic suspense novel. I suggest saving this for after the hook.

Everybody mislays things when they’re distracted, but when Gemma Cavanagh is upset, she makes them really disappear—and doesn’t know how to get them back. Excellent. Former SEAL Brady McGrath has a questionable past in Asia and links to a shadowy anti-crime task force. Besides, women tend not to stick around when they find out he can read their feelings through his touch.  Saying “besides” means you’re adding on another detail to an already stated idea, but I don’t see the connection between women not sticking around b/c of his ability and his SEAL past. This paragraph gives me basic info on Gemma and Brady’s extra abilities, but it fails to connect me with your characters. Awesome first sentence, but after that I need to have a sentence where I get to know who Gemma is. Not just her ability, but HER. What is she like? What does she do for a living? What’s her current situation/motivation/conflict? You can handle all of that in a sentence or two and then do the same for Brady and give him his own paragraph. I’m going to suggest you cut a ton of stuff from the end of this query so that will open up the space to let us CARE about your characters so that we want to keep reading.

Gemma’s estranged husband is murdered, and she becomes the obvious suspect. I suggest saying “When Gemma’s …, she becomes …” But when the killer strikes closer, Gemma and Brady have to put their extra abilities to work to find the truth—before he finds them. This sentence assumes we understand how and why Gemma and Brady somehow found each other and began working together. We’re missing some important details. Did G & B know each other before the murder? How can a killer strike closer than G’s husband? I don’t get any sense of danger to G & B here. You’ve said they have to find the truth before he finds them, but I think you need to give us a phrase or two in this paragraph delivering some chilling, creepy, OH HOLY CRAP suspense so we understand just how high the stakes really are.

Now You See It  is the first book in the Inner Edge series of novels about passion, danger and courage on the inner edge of the paranormal. The heroines and heroes all have just a little more than normal abilities, and the heroes were all at one time involved with a Team of psychic SEALs The paranormal level is similar to Kay Hooper’s Bishop series;  heat level similar to early J.D. Robb.

My technical advisors include two naval officers–one a former SEAL–and a serving police officer.

I am an active PRO member of RWA Greater Seattle, Kiss of Death, Celtic Hearts and Fantasy, Futuristic and Paranormal chapters. I have been writing all my life, and have one novel published with The Wild Rose Press Vintage Rose line under the pen name Ronit Levy, which has received reviews of 4.0 and four-and-a-half books out of five.

Now You See It is finished and ready for submission.  I have 70,000 words completed of the second book in the series, and outlines for a third and fourth, so far.

Thank you for taking time to consider my work.

From “Now You See It is the first book …” to here needs to be cut down to one very streamlined paragraph. Right now, your extra details are overshadowing your story. No one is going to request based on the extra details, but if you hook them with your story, they will. J

 I suggest something like this: Now You See It is a romantic suspense complete at 86,000 words and is the first in the Inner Edge series of novels about passion, danger and courage on the inner edge of the paranormal. I’m an active PRO member of the Greater Seattle, Kiss of Death, Celtic Hearts and Fantasy, Futuristic and Paranormal chapters of RWA. I have one novel published with The Wild Rose Press Vintage Rose line under the pen name Ronit Levy and received reviews of 4.0 and four-and-a-half books out of five. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Cáit Donnell

Thanks for submitting your query for critique. Good luck on your submissions! – C.J.

***

Cait, thank you again for allowing us to use your letter. Let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you. 

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday when author Blythe Gifford reveals how chivalry and knighthood defined a man and how he should behave.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. She has just a few spaces left in her May Query Workshop. To learn more, go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com.

Hello, everyone!

Urban Fantasy author CJ Redwine will critique one lucky reader’s query letter on the first Monday of each month. Readers should send their query letter in the body of the email to QueryWriting101@RomanceUniversity.org. If your query letter is chosen, please be aware that it, along with C.J.’s critique, will be posted on our website for educational purposes.

Mon, 5/3 – Crafting Your Career: C.J. Redwine returns for another installment of Query Writing 101.

Wed, 5/5 – Anatomy of the Male Mind: Author Blythe Gifford reveals how chivalry and knighthood defined a man and how he should behave. She’ll discuss the gap between reality and the ideal.

Fri, 5/7 – Chaos Theory of Writing: Author Kimberly Llewellyn gives hope for humor-oriented writers and talks about why comedy is serious business!

Remember, 2010 is the Year of the Sub-genre at Romance University. Each month, we will poke, prod, and beg publishing professionals close to the sub-genre to give us the latest information. Is it hot? Is it not? On May 17, we’re highlighting multi-cultural romance with author L.A. Banks and Kimani Press Executive Editor Glenda Howard.

All Romance University lectures are generously provided by our Visiting Professors. RU is a tuition-free zone!

Best regards,

Kelsey Browning, Adrienne Giordano, Tracey Devlyn and Carrie Spencer

PS  - Want RU’s weekly lecture schedule in a cool new email format straight to your in-box? Sign up on RU’s homepage or any of the lecture posts!

Urban Fantasy author C.J. Redwine is back with our ever-popular Query Writing 101 with a letter from Jamie Balthrop McDaniel. Thanks to both C.J. and Jamie! And readers, feel free to post questions for C.J.

Prospect Agency

Emily Sylvan Kim, literary agent 

Dear Ms. Kim,

What if a wish came true and what if that wish was just a simple off handed remark? Find the answer to this question in The Highland Wish, my completed 90,000 word single title paranormal romance. (I’ve seen many agents implore writers not to start their queries with sweeping questions. Your absolute best strategy is to dive right into the story like pubs do on the back of the book blurb. And the book title, word count, genre info goes with your last paragraph. That way you can focus on hooking the agent with your story.)

While (I feel like “when” would be a better word choice here. What do you think?) freelance photographer Breanna Lewis and her twin sister Amanda go to see the ruins of an ancient castle on the shores of Loch Ness, Breanna makes an off handed wish about wanting to see the castle back in the time when it was in all its glory. (This feels really wordy. Can you streamline it to “in its original state” or something like that?) Unfortunately (comma) while trying to get that perfect shot(comma) she accidentally falls into the loch. Only to be saved from drowning by a six foot five highlander, named Gavin MacKenrick, 400 years into the past. (This isn’t a complete sentence. Fragments can work if they’re a deliberate part of the pacing of your writing. This doesn’t feel deliberate. And how does B feel about being pulled out by a huge highlander? You can work that into the sentence to give us a glimpse into her. i.e. “Unable to swim against the swiftly moving current, B is certain her number is up until a pair of strong arms yanks her out of the water and she comes face to face with a six foot five highlander named Gavin MacKenrick. Grateful to be rescued, B __fill in the blank__ but there’s a problem: Gavin is from the year 1610. And now, so is she.” Or something like that so we get a sense of adventure and possible romance.)

Okay, you’ve fallen victim to the classic query blunder here. You’ve got plot summarized, but in the interest of crunching your 90k story into a few measly paragraphs, you’ve sacrificed the Voice of your story. Voice sells the story. When I read this paragraph, I come away with the knowledge that Breanna and Amanda are twins, that they visit Loch Ness, that B wants to see the castle in its heyday, she falls in the loch, and a hunky highlander from the past rescues her. What I don’t have is any sense of your characters or the unique Voice of your manuscript. I suggest reworking this so you give us a quick phrase describing Breanna (you can describe Amanda when you deal with her search through time) and work to get the paragraph to match the pacing and Voice of your manuscript. Is your ms funny? Give the paragraph some funny moments. Is it sexy? Turn up the heat when Gavin hits the scene. Is it lyrical? Recreate that here. You get the idea.

Breanna thinks she has been sent back in time to save Gavin from being killed in an ambush at the hands of his enemy. The last thing Breanna wants is to get distracted by romance. (Wait a minute. If I fell in the Loch and got rescued only to realize I was 400 years in the past, I’d be busy panicking and wondering how on Earth I was going to ever see my family, friends, and home again. This feels like B instantly adjusts and takes it all in stride.) Gavin has become jaded by the women in King James’ court; he doesn’t trust her (Use “Breanna” instead since he was just referring to the women in the court.) but can’t fight what he feels for her. But the fates are not finished with the twins yet. (This needs to be a new paragraph. Give us a quick glimpse of who Amanda is and that she’s searching for her sister.) Amanda also finds herself lost in time trying to find her sister, but she gets more than she bargains for when she is rescued by Gavin’s chief man-at-arms Iain. (How does she get lost in time? How does she know B went back in time? Wouldn’t she just assume B drowned? What specifically happens to draw Amanda into the web of time travel? And you need to end this paragraph with a strong statement or question delivering the stakes of the novel for us. i.e. “Can the twins fulfill their destiny and find true love 400 years in the past before time runs out?” Also, if you’re going to bring Amanda into this query, be sure she has a super significant role in the story because it’s a bit diluting to have us really fall for B and G and then suddenly have to consider another pair as well. Not sure how an agent would feel about that.)

I am an active member of RWA and their local chapter in Nashville TN, MCRW. (Hey! Me too! Though I’ve been so crazy busy lately I’ve only been to one meeting in six months. *slaps own wrist* Bad C.J.) I have(delete “have”) read your interview in the RWR and felt I would be a good fit for your agency. Currently I am a freelance photography. If you would be interested in reading The Highland Wish, I would be delighted to send it to you. (This is unnecessary. The agent knows this and you need to save space so you can improve and flesh out your hook.) Thank you for your time and consideration. (Take your ms. title, word count, genre sentence and put it at the beginning of this paragraph.)

Sincerely,

Jamie Balthrop McDaniel

Thanks for submitting your query for critique. Good luck on your submissions! – C.J.

***

Jamie, thank you for allowing us to use your letter and please let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you. 

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. She has just a few spaces left in her April Query Workshop. To learn more, go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com.

We’ve got a great week in store for you. Check it out!

Mon, 4/5 – Crafting Your Career: Urban Fantasy writer C.J. Redwine offers up more awesome advice to one of our readers on how to improve her query letter.

Wed, 4/7 – Anatomy of the Male Mind: Three couples use marital rating charts to “grade” their spouses. Join us for the fun.

Fri, 4/9 – Chaos Theory of Writing: Don’t miss this interactive session with bestselling author Jade Lee a.k.a. Kathy Lyons as she walks us through the process of establishing setting as character. One lucky commenter will “take home” a prize!

Remember, 2010 is the Year of the Sub-genre at Romance University. Each month, we will poke, prod, and beg publishing professionals close to the sub-genre to give us the latest information. Is it hot? Is it not? On April 2, we highlighted erotic romance with author Eden Bradley. Be sure to check it out!

And don’t miss our on-going labs with Managing Editor Theresa Stevens and Author C.J. Redwine!

All Romance University lectures are generously provided by our Visiting Professors. RU is a tuition-free zone!

Permission to forward lecture schedule is granted and encouraged!

Best regards,

Tracey Devlyn, Kelsey Browning & Adrienne Giordano