Welcome, Dr. Debra!

A few days ago, I received a newsletter from my publicist, Annie Jennings, where she wrote of an incident she’d recently observed. She was at a bagel shop, and she saw a woman, laden with food and coffee, walk out the door behind a man. He didn’t notice her, and she ended up becoming squashed as the door closed on her. The man continued on, oblivious.

Annie freed the woman and watched as she scurried after the man. In Annie’s words, “She was gaining on him, little by little, but he did not notice. She could have been hit by a car right behind him, and he would not notice. I was horrified when I realized he was her husband.”

After I read the newsletter, I continued to think about the story.  For one thing, it made me thankful to have a boyfriend who’s a gentleman. Don would never squash me in the door. Instead, he’d hold it open for me. But he can still have those male moments, one of which occurred a few hours after I read Annie’s newsletter when we attended church.

As the service concluded, our beautiful, world-class pianist played “On the Wings of Love.” I started to leave, but Don, instead of following me like usual, stood watching the piano. I could see he was enraptured by the music.

Don walked toward the piano as if mesmerized, leaving me waiting at the pew. He never glanced behind him to see what I was doing. I stood there for a few seconds, remembering Annie’s story and feeling amused that a harmless and mild version of that woman’s experience was now happening to me. I sat down in our pew to wait until the spell ended.

These two examples illustrate something about the male brain that women don’t understand and often take personally:  The corpus callosum (the bundle of fibers that link the left and right brain hemispheres) is thinner in the male brain by about 10%, with as much as 30% fewer connections. A man has a harder time crossing his brain hemispheres. This means LESS information is exchanged between the two sides. However, this gives him GREATER ability to focus on a specific task, often to the exclusion of everything not relevant to him at the time.

Therefore, male brains are organized for monotracking. Men have difficulty concentrating on more than one thing at a time. For example, a brain scan while a man is reading or at the computer will show he’s mostly deaf.

A woman, with her thicker corpus callosum, has the physical ability to connect and relate large pieces of information. This allows her to see the “big picture” and remember more details. Therefore she’s good at multitasking. (She wouldn’t leave her husband trapped in the door.)

As for Don and I, if the situation were reversed, I probably would have said something to him before wandering over to the piano: “This is my favorite song. Please, wait a minute.” Or “I want to hear this. I’ll meet you outside.”

While this excuses Don becoming beguiled by the music and forgetting me, it doesn’t excuse the man who left his wife trapped in the door. I’ll bet he’s probably a man who often forgets his wife, not showing her the gentlemanly courtesy and attention she deserves. And perhaps her self-esteem is so low, she doesn’t realize she deserves better.

Thinking about Annie’s story also made me remember a man I’d briefly dated. Mike was a nice, attractive, intelligent man. But he also had a very male-focused brain.

On one of our first dates, we attended a Bruce Springsteen concert. As we walked through the crowded parking lot, threading through the cars, he kept striding away from me. I was tempted to stop walking and see how long it would take before he realized I wasn’t behind him. Even through, I knew what was happening wasn’t about me, but about his male focus on getting us into the concert hall, I couldn’t help becoming a little frustrated. I finally grabbed his hand, so we could stay together. Not a romantic start to the evening.

So, what does this mean for your romance hero? If you’re writing romance, you don’t want a man who loses his focus on the heroine. That means if he’s watching his favorite football team play a championship game, between plays, thoughts of her still need to creep into his mind. (And not just when he wants her to fetch him a beer or he’s watching the cheerleaders bounce around.) This is probably why we don’t see a lot of sport game scenes in romances.

On the other hand, your hero needs to have that male focus when it’s necessary and realistic for the story. For example, I’m often frustrated by books and movies where the hero stops to TALK in the middle of the action, especially if the scene is supposed to be suspenseful. If he’s trying to keep them safe, that will be his focus, not stopping to romance her.

And make sure that no matter how rough-hewn your hero or how tough your heroine, you show the reader that he treats her in a way that shows she’s special to him.

###

If you want to learn more about men, sign up for my August online class, Understanding Men.

***

So RU crew, what questions do you have for Dr. Debra today? And do you believe women can ever truly understand men and vice versa?

Due to the late post, we’re going to give away one of our RU leather pocket jotters to a random commenter.  Thanks for your patience!

Be sure to stop by Friday when Laurie Schnebly will be here to talk about the personality ladder. Sounds like some good character development help!

Dr. Holland holds a master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Child Therapy, and holds a PhD in Counseling Psychology from the University of Southern California, and is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has twenty-one years of experience counseling with individuals, couples, and groups.

Dr. Holland is a popular psychotherapist, consultant, and speaker on the topics of communication difficulties, relationships, stress, and dealing with difficult people.  She is a featured expert for the media, and does entertainment consulting.

Dr. Debra will give away a copy of her booklet, “58 Tips for Getting What You Want from a Difficult Conversation” to one lucky commenter today. Others can sign up for Dr. Debra’s newsletter and receive a free e-copy of her booklet!

Welcome, Dr. Debra! 

Kelsey, I’m delighted to be here with you and your readers.

Kelsey: Could you define the term “bad boy” for us? 

Dr. Debra:  Well let’s see… Youngish, (20s or 30s, although if you’re a teen, they can be younger) sexy, handsome, great body, dresses in black, drives a sports car/motorcycle, and is or seems emotionally unavailable. Often an outsider and misunderstood by others except by the heroine.

Kelsey: Why are bad boys so attractive to women?

Dr. Debra: A bad boy is a woman’s ultimate fantasy. She thinks that through the power of her love and understanding she will CHANGE and/ or HEAL him. She believes that if a bad boy loves her enough, he will change and become a committed loving partner. Therefore bad boys are a challenge. Then there’s the handsome, sexy aspect…. :) 

Kelsey: Is there a difference between a literary bad boy and a real one?

Dr. Debra: It depends on if we are talking about a literary bad boy in a romance or in other types of fiction. In a romance, the bad boys often are the heroes.

In real life, a bad boy is a BAD boy. Sometimes the sexier they are, the worse they treat girlfriends because there is always another woman rushing to be with them. Thus they are often selfish and unable to commit, or remain faithful if they do commit. They may have addictions such as drugs, alcohol, smoking, gambling, or sex. Their relationship skills are often poor, even though their seduction skills are great.

Kelsey: Contrast reading (and fantasizing) about bad boys with living with one.

Dr. Debra: Most women who live with bad boys are pretty miserable. They “love” him so they won’t leave, but they put up with a lack of commitment, poor treatment, selfishness, or perhaps unhealthy, hurtful behaviors such as drug or alcohol abuse, or verbal or physical abuse. These women feel insecure, and may act in a needy, jealous way. They also have to work hard to try to “keep” him.

The truth is, for the most part, bad boys don’t change unless they choose to, and most of the time, they don’t. A woman’s love won’t be enough to redeem him.

Kelsey: How do you suggest writers make their bad boy characters redeemable?

Dr. Debra: Give the bad boy a childhood wound that forces him to make life decisions that make him “bad.”  By healing the wound, he can change. But there has to be more than the heroine’s love for him to change. He has to make efforts to confront his past and thus change.

Kelsey: Do you have any other suggestions for writers creating the bad boy character?

Dr. Debra: Have him come into his attractiveness later in life, so he’s not as self-centered because he’s had attention all his life for being handsome.

Give him goals that he can achieve, thus freeing him up to consider moving on to another life stage such as wanting to find a life mate.

Give him some other people in his life whom he loves, so we see that he is capable of love and commitments.

Drop in a mention that he’s gone to therapy, spent time with a personal coach, taken some personal growth seminars, is part of Alcoholics Anonymous, or has read some self-help books. He doesn’t have to be doing some of these things now, but has in the past. That doesn’t mean he can’t still be bad, but he’ll have some resources to help him change. Often clients tell me that they thought they had “dealt” with some problem, but then it pops up in their life again. I respond by saying they did deal with it, but now have to work on it in a different or deeper way.

I think romance authors do have to be careful in crafting bad boy heroes or extreme Alpha heroes. It’s easy to cross the line into verbal abuse or controlling behavior that is NOT healthy for a relationship.

For example, I’ve read some stories where I had to put the book down because the hero was TOO controlling and crossed the line into abuse, and the heroine let him, only putting up a token protest. This is NOT healthy, even though it may seem like it stems from his attraction/love for the heroine. But in real life, this is not love true. This behavior stems from selfishness, jealousy, and insecurity.

Seeing romantic heroes who have character arcs, becoming better men, may lead women readers to believe that this kind of behavior is okay and that it means her controlling, jealous boyfriend/husband loves her, and thus will treat her well. But such behavior usually worsens, his control over her behavior becomes tighter and his abuse greater.

If you must have this kind of hero, you need to make the heroine equally strong– willing to set and KEEP boundaries with him. Sex/being physical cannot make her give in to his demands.

So RU readers, do you love bad boys in romance novels? What about in real life? How many of you married the bad boy you loved in high school or college? Feel free to ask questions of Dr. Debra as well!

Be sure to join Adrienne and Cindy Carroll on Friday to discuss how to write an attention-catching logline for your book!

Dr. Holland holds a master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Child Therapy, and holds a PhD in Counseling Psychology from the University of Southern California, and is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has twenty-one years of experience counseling with individuals, couples, and groups.

Dr. Holland is a popular psychotherapist, consultant, and speaker on the topics of communication difficulties, relationships, stress, and dealing with difficult people.  She is a featured expert for the media, and does entertainment consulting.

Kelsey: Tanner, thanks for taking the time to talk with us at Romance University. Would you give us a sense of how you see yourself?

Tanner: A free-spirit, confident, student-of-life (always learning about people, places, cultures, etc.)

Kelsey: Let’s talk about women…What first attracts you to a woman physically? What other, non-physical, traits attract you?

Tanner: No one specific thing attracts me.  To me, different women are physically attractive for different reasons.  For example, I won’t be turned-off by a woman because she doesn’t have a specific color of hair or eyes.  I tend to look at the whole package.  I’ve had some form of relationship (dating, physical, etc.) with a wide variety of women as far as hair color, eye color, race, height, chest size, butt size, etc.  A lot of guys will say they are butt-guys, breast-guys, leg-guys, etc, but I don’t understand that.

As far as non-physical traits…these are more important than the physical traits.  A woman has to have confidence and be happy in her own skin.  I like women who are mature, but know how to let loose and have fun.  Also, she should have a good sense of humor, and not take herself too seriously.  Insecurity, jealousy, and negativity are the biggest turn-offs for me.

I like the stereotypical “old-school” type of woman who wants to take care of me (cook for me, clean my place, do my laundry, etc.), but at the same time I want someone confident and independent enough not to rely on me for everything.  I don’t want to feel smothered.  I want her to be able to have her own life and be comfortable with it.

Kelsey: Do you believe in true love? Why or why not?

 Tanner: That depends on what your definition of true love is…I absolutely believe that two people can fall in love with each other, and happily spend every day of the rest of their lives together.  But I also think that you can love more than one person in your lifetime, and I think you can be in love with more than one person at the same time.  My opinion is that it’s difficult, if not impossible, to prove one is truer than the other.

Kelsey: Have you ever been in love?

 Tanner: Again, depends on the definition…I would say that I have had a deep, emotional connection with one woman.  I wasn’t prepared to completely give myself away to her for personal beliefs/reasons, but I could definitely make an argument that I was in love with her.

Kelsey: At your age, are you in the market for “the one woman?” Why or why not?

Tanner: Absolutely not.  I still enjoy meeting, hanging-out with, and dating different women.  I’ll be the first to admit that I’m too selfish and not mature enough (from a relationship standpoint) at this point in my life to be with “the one woman”.  Getting into anything too serious at this point in my life would be unfair to me and the woman. I’m not ready to make the sacrifices necessary to have a serious, healthy relationship.

Kelsey: Do you think men care about romance? Or is romance merely a conduit to sex?

Tanner: I think men genuinely care about making women happy, regardless of the sex issue.  I think men’s and women’s ideas of romance are different-maybe the reason why women don’t think men are romantic, but just want sex.  Guys don’t think like women, we think like guys. Women tend to forget that simple fact. 

Kelsey: Do you read for pleasure? If so, what genre(s) do you prefer and when reading a novel, do you enjoy reading a love scene?

 Tanner: I typically read informative books – biographies, autobiographies, culture/travel, and business.  Otherwise, I don’t really have a specific genre that I stick to…just anything that catches my attention. 

I can’t actually recall if I have ever read a love scene (shows how much impact it had on me)…I guess I would enjoy it if it brought something to the story.

Kelsey: What was the last book you read?

 Tanner: The Greatest Salesman in the World by Og Mandino.  My two favorite books are The Power of One and Tandia, both by Bryce Courtenay.

Tanner, we appreciate your taking time to share your thoughts on women, romance and sex with the RU readers!

RU Readers, Ethan and Tanner had a bit different outlook on love and romance. Who do you think is the more “typical” man?

Please join Adrienne and Cathie Linz on Friday for a great discussion of Characterization through Dialogue.