Go to it, Wayne!

 How do men talk to other men about their female troubles?

 Man #1: “What a bitch!”

 Man #2: “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

 Man #1: “Want another beer?”

 Man #2: “Never thought you’d ask!”

I’m sorry to report that this is the depth to which many men actually delve into their issues with women when speaking with other men. Why?

Well, it’s easier to blame than to accept responsibility. So, let’s start by blaming her. We know, from all things media, it’s perfectly acceptable to lob a few of these comments out to a man or group of men without fear of judgment. In fact, TV and movies tell us that this is an acceptable way for us men to make connections with other men. Bitch about our wives!

Once we can agree that our women are pains in the ass, we can laugh, watch the game, and enjoy the distraction from our miserable lives.

But why are we even putting it out there? We’re obviously challenged, anxious, irritated, angry, depressed or upset about something. Talking about it might help release it, allow us to forget about it for a while, and perhaps there’s an outside chance that we might even find a solution. But I suspect most men have learned to not expect solutions when they bring these issues up with their buddies.

Solutions come from examination. Examination requires inquiry. Inquiry requires that we reveal. And revealing is a risk. Most men, for fear of humiliation, won’t take the risk. Shame wins.

So here we have men who have a problem. They might even desperately want to talk about it. And they may even be this close to asking for help. But all that’s readily available to them is a surface connection, limited by all participants’ fear of taking off the mask, revealing their pain, appearing weak, or looking like a fool. They’ll walk into the bar, the parent meeting, or the neighbor’s house with a hidden, secret desire to solve their problems. But they leave with their problems intact, and possibly even more frustrated by having only been able scratch the scab, not heal the wound.

There are men who can share more intimate details with each other. And the very fortunate ones have friends who ask good questions and can offer sage advice.

Obviously, the men I work with want to find solutions to their “female troubles.” But they have no idea how to go about doing it. Eventually, they learn a few things:

1. It’s never about her. It’s always about the kind of man you are with her, and what you can do differently to be the man you want to be and then be more the man she wants and needs.

2. Complaining, blaming and whining get us nowhere. When a man brings up an issue regarding his woman, a friend asks questions to help him get to some clarity and hopefully to a solution.

3. If you want to help another man, reveal yourself first. This makes it safe for him to tell you the truth, to tell himself the truth.

When men come together with these skills—or at least a rudimentary understanding of what we need from each other—a completely different dialogue takes place.

Man #1: “What a bitch!”

Man #2: “What do you mean.”

Man #1: “You know what I mean.”

Man #2: “What happened?”

Man #1: “Same old shit with her. I came home…story…”

Man #2: “Well, I’ve been there. Last week…story…”

Man #1: “Exactly. I’m so sick of it.”

Man #2: “Well, what are you going to do about it?”

Man #1: “What do you mean?”

Man #2: “What are you going to do about it?

Man #1: “What can I do?”

And now the men have something to talk about. Moving beyond the complaint, they have an opportunity to share their experiences and maybe even figure out how to solve their “female problems.”

The key question is always, “What are you going to do about it?” This question takes us out of the problem and into the solution. Unfortunately, it’s a question most men find difficult to pose.

Thank you, Wayne.

To the ladies out there, does your significant other have male friends he talks to?  And for the men, would you feel comfortable talking to your friends this way? We’d love to hear from you.

If you have a question for Wayne, please send it to WayneWednesday@RomanceUniversity.org.  You never know,  he may use it for an upcoming Wayne Wednesday topic.

Be sure to join us on Friday when Cindy Carroll returns to talk screenwriting.

Bio:  Wayne M. Levine, M.A. is the director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, CA, where he coaches and mentors men, and facilitates men’s groups. He also created the BetterMen Retreats for men, and for fathers and sons. In addition, Wayne is the founder of Mentor4Men.com, a life coaching and mentoring resource for men.

Wayne’s interest in men’s issues began in the early ‘90s with his participation in men’s work activities. His experiences with men’s groups, as a participant, leader and program developer, taught Wayne to “father” men and to support them in making difficult and important changes in their lives.

He earned his Master’s in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University/Los Angeles. Wayne also received his BA in journalism and graduated Magna Cum Laude and Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Southern California.

Wayne’s been married to his first and only wife, Ria, for over 20 years and is the proud daddy of Emma, Austin and the family’s menagerie of animals.  Wayne strives to be a better man, husband and father each day in Oak Park, CA.