I first heard about Wayne through an advice column on The Art of Manliness, a blog dedicated to men and the issues they face.  From the female perspective, I have found Wayne’s relationship advice to men to be spot-on.  If you want straight-talk, he’ll give it to you.  Even if he has to bust out his “police issue bullhorn.”

We thought it would be fun to unleash a bunch of romance writers on him and see how he holds up. Wayne, I bid you good luck.

Adrienne:  After reading your book I was fascinated by your explanation of why a man should be able to hold on to his N.U.T.s.  Please tell us what N.U.T.s stands for and why men want to hold on to them?

Wayne :  N.U.T.s are Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms. N.U.T.s are the things a man is committed to, the things that matter more than anything else: his kids, his work, himself, his purpose, his spiritual practice, his hobbies, his integrity, his morals and psychological well-being.

N.U.T.s are the boundaries that define him as man, those things which, if repeatedly compromised, will gradually-but assuredly-turn him into a pissed-off, resentful man who will likely blame others-especially his wife-for his unhappiness.

A man’s N.U.T.s are uniquely his. They reflect who he is as a man and the man he wants to be. Compromise his N.U.T.s, and he’ll compromise himself. Compromise himself too often, and he’ll become an extremely unhappy man, husband and father.

So I think it’s clear why it’s imperative that each man maintain a firm grasp of his N.U.T.s-for his benefit and for the benefit of those he cares about.

Adrienne:  What prompted you to write Hold Onto Your N.U.T.s, The Relationship Manual for Men?

 Wayne:  While earning my master’s I discovered a significant void in the curriculum. There wasn’t a single class offered focusing on the specific needs of men. Though I had always intended to focus my practice on the needs of men, my purpose became clearer: men need to be mentored and taught the lessons they’ve not yet learned from their fathers.

Over the next several years, I reviewed my experiences-and those of the men I had encountered-compiled the many bits of wisdom I had received through my studies and from my mentors, and then began writing it all down.

It took about five years to finally finish the book. As many of you know, what you plan to write often becomes something very different along the way.

There’s so much that isn’t in this book. There are more books to write. But the process of writing, publishing, publicizing and trying to empty my storage unit of the last 6,000 copies, has given me pause. I suspect I’ll get back to it within a year or so. For now, I write columns, will launch a blog soon, and periodically allow myself to get dissected by romance writers.

Adrienne:  Is there a trend among men where the more they like each other, the more abuse they dish out?  It seems like men show affection by poking good-natured fun at each other.  Can you explain why this is?

Wayne:  Because they’re idiots, I’m smarter than they are, wittier than they are, and it’s fun to revel in my superiority. I think that just about sums it up.

 Ok, there’s probably more to it than that. Let me think…ah…well…no that’s not very intelligent…oh I think I’ve got something. It might have something to do with getting ourselves ready for battle. Is the guy next to me ready to have my back? Can I trust him? Can he take a hit and still have the courage to stay in the fight?

 The work we do at BetterMen is all about developing trusting relationships with each other so that we have the support we need when in the battle. The nature of the battle has changed since way back in the day, but it’s still quite real for us. Today’s battles are with doubt and fear, shame, living up to expectations, giving and receiving love and affection, becoming the men we were meant to be and learning the lessons from our fathers.

 And I don’t think this behavior among men is a trend. We’ve been busting each other’s balls, I suspect, since the dawn of…well…balls.

Adrienne: Women bond by sharing their most intimate thoughts, but men would probably rather take a sharp stick in the eye than talk about their feelings.  Here’s what we ladies want to know:  If men don’t “talk” to each other, how do they bond emotionally with other men?

Wayne:  They bond shoulder-to-shoulder. War, hunting, extreme sports, putting down a forest fire, building stuff, and blowing shit up. But men today need more than that. The men in our circle do talk. And once given permission, it might surprise you have quickly it becomes a natural way of being.

Many women have expressed a desire to be a fly on our men’s center wall. And for good reason. The discussions are as rich, revealing, and emotional as anything you’ve heard with your women friends. Although how we say things and what we’re revealing is quite different than women, we men absolutely have the capacity to bond through talk. But after a while, all we really want to do is blow some shit up! Then we become blood brothers, share the secret handshake, and welcome the new guys into the fort.

Adrienne: How does a man’s life change when he finds “the one”?

Wayne:  Well, I think it depends on the evolutionary state of the man. Most of the men I work with were not fully developed in their masculinity when they found what they thought was “the one.” As a result, she couldn’t be “the one” because he wasn’t fully baked and ready to cherish and protect her.

Often times, men sell out their N.U.T.s when they find “the one” and eventually resent her for it. (Like not spending time with his buddies, letting a hobby go because he thinks he should go to the mall with her, etc.) And as he compromises his N.U.T.s and becomes bitter, he ceases to be the man she once wanted.

For the healthier or luckier of us (I am in the latter group), our lives become fuller and, for a time, more wonderful. Eventually, however, it becomes challenging as we try to be individuals while overwhelmed with the responsibilities of making a better living than the schmuck in the magazine ad, being a wonderful father like the baseball-coaching dad across the street, and still being the guy she happily said YES! to.

And then there’s the challenge of trying to actually grow up and become the man we want to be while in a relationship. She’s a constant reminder to us that we haven’t been that man. And these reminders aren’t necessarily overt or intentional. But it’s why we often take out our frustrations on her.

But if she is the one, she’ll inspire us to be better men. And if she’s a keeper, she’ll be patient with us and she’ll make us believe we’re better than we know we really are.

Adrienne: This question will probably cause a riot, but I think we have to go there.  The world is filled with strong, independent women who can take care of themselves.  With this in mind, do you think men want their strong, independent women to occasionally step back and let them “be the man”?  And, if so, why is it important to men?

Wayne:  It doesn’t matter how strong or independent a woman is. If she wants a good, healthy, masculine man, she should ALWAYS support him to be the man. Some women have lost their femininity in their quest for economic, social, and political equality. They’ve come to believe that they have to behave like men to succeed in this “man’s world.” Not true. And I think women discovered that the pendulum had swung too far in the hands of the radical feminists. But I digress.

No matter how strong and independent a woman might be, she’s still a woman. Does she not want to be swept off her feet by her knight? Does she not want to “be taken” by her man in bed? Does she not want to know that her man would gladly go to battle to defend her honor? Does she not want her man to be romantic? These are things men do for women, not the other way around. Of course, “being taken” by her every now and then could be just fine.

My wife clearly doesn’t need me to survive. She’s remarkably self-sufficient. She’s smart, strong, and doesn’t usually take shit from anyone. But when I act like a little boy and not a man, she’s not very pleased with me. It makes her feel less secure, less protected.

But in the end, it’s not about the woman “letting” her man be a man. If that’s what’s going on, she’s probably not with the man she wants. It’s our job to show up as the man. And it’s our responsibility to get the support we need to be that man in our relationships.

Adrienne:  In one of your advice columns you offered help regarding a wife’s refusal to initiate sex. In that column you talked a lot about the little boy.  What do you mean by that and how can/should men silence the little boy?

Wayne:  The little boy is:

• The moody one who refuses to love or make love to his wife because she hurt his feelings.
• The one who expects his wife to read his mind and understand what he needs, even though he’s done a terrible job of communicating those needs to her.
• The one who goes to battle with his wife every time he hears her complain-or thinks she’s complaining-because he hears his mommy reprimanding him.
• The little boy who wants what he wants when he wants it and refuses to understand that choices have to be made, and that sometimes it doesn’t work out the way he’d like.
• The one who expects his wife to satisfy all of his needs.
• The one who often leads the man to a quick fix, to seemingly more nurturing arms, or to divorce.
• The one who hasn’t yet been initiated into manhood. He doesn’t know how to be a man. He’s stuck, as a little boy

He’s the one who didn’t get the love, attention, guidance, mothering, fathering or discipline he should have gotten-or thinks he should have gotten-when he was a boy. He’s also the real, wounded little boy who was abused and who never received the help he needed to heal and to grow up to be a healthy man.

 For a number of reasons, males in our society grow up without having a clear understanding of themselves as men, and they continue to act like needy little boys, especially when things aren’t going well and when being a strong man is just what the situation requires.

To be a strong, confident man in a healthy long-term relationship, a man must silence that little boy. He does that by developing a vision of the man he wants to be and getting the support to become that man. He can only effectively do that in the company of other men. Only the men can help him to be that man.

 A woman can give him a good reason to be that man, and she can certainly be supportive and contribute. But the real work is done with men. Only other men can hold a man accountable, kick his ass, and create a safe place where the healing can take place, especially the healing around our relationships with our fathers.

 A special thanks to Wayne for being here today.  For more information on Wayne’s book please visit http://www.bettermen.org/.  It’s a great read no matter what your gender.  To prove it, we are going to raffle off a copy.  Just leave a comment or question and your name will be included in the drawing. 

For added fun, the first person to ask a question that incites the use of Wayne’s bullhorn wins a leather RU pocket notepad.  

Let’s turn it over to Wayne.  Here’s your chance to get answers to those male related questions frying your brain.  Give him some good ones because I want to see–er hear–that bullhorn.