***

Thanks again to Kristen Boe for allowing C.J. to review her query letter. Kristen, please keep us posted on your submission process. 

On Wednesday, agent Sara Megibow talks about the creation of an agent’s to be read (TBR) pile. Please stop by again!

***

C.J. Redwine‘s debut YA fantasy DEFIANCE, the story of a girl who escapes her cloistered city to rescue her father and finds heartbreak, danger, and a new romance, comes out Fall 2012 from Balzer + Bray/Harper Collins. When C.J. isn’t putting her characters in danger or running after her four children, she creates tools designed to help other writers master the craft of synopsis and query writing. For more information on C.J., her books, or her writer’s tools, visit http://cjredwine.blogspot.com.

CAROLYN WILLIAMSON
Contact Info Omitted
July 5, 2010

Via e-mail
Tessa Shapcott, Senior Editor
Harlequin Presents
Mills & boon Modern Romance
Eton House, 18-24 Paradise Road
Richmond, surrey TW9 1SR
United Kingdom

Dear Ms. Shapcott:

Prince Lawrence of Cordillera hates rules.  However, his mother is trying to marry him off and has circulated Rules for a Princess to parents of noble daughters. I have attached three chapters and a synopsis to show how he deals with that in my completed 55,000 word contemporary romance designed for the Harlequin Presents line. [Your first two sentences are attention-grabbers, but you lose us immediately when you devolve into chapters and synopsis etc. Save the stats for the last paragraph and just hook us here. Or,, if you prefer, start the query with one sentence along the lines of "__TITLE__ is a contemporary romance complete at 55,000 words and is aimed at the Harlequin Presents line. Then dive into a paragraph on the Prince, his hatred of rules, and the result of his mother's Rules for Princess circulation. It's not enough just to tell us she does this. We need to understand how that affects him and his agenda and what he does about it. This helps us understand who he is, what he wants, and what he'll do to get it.]

During intermission at a performance of Carmen, handsome Prince Lawrence bumps into Tricia Parker, who is visiting her parents in Cordillera, a small country nestled in a valley between Spain and France. He is awed by her amazing resemblance to his missing cousin, the beloved Princess Alicia. Worried news of her disappearance will get out, he asks Tricia to impersonate Alicia for a few days while an important ambassador visits. Tricia’s reluctant, but he persuades her. [I think we need the info about the cousin's disappearance in the first paragraph. Maybe in a final sentence about everything on the prince's plate: his mother's interference, the ruthless crown-hunters out to marry him at any cost, and his favorite cousin suddenly gone missing. Then this paragraph can be a natural extension of that where you immediately tie it in to the overall conflict by letting us know the Prince finds his cousin's look-alike and convinces her to impersonate Alicia. We also need to know why no one can know about Alicia's disappearance or this won't make sense. (And it's such a fun idea, we really want to go with you on it!)]

Excited and thrilled, she soon learns that [Define "that" instead. Be specific.] involves a lot more than a life of luxury.  She has to be graceful, gracious, and not only wave from a car, but interact appropriately with servants and a charming but arrogant prince. He challenges her to let him teach her how to fence, and she enjoys sparring with him both physically and verbally.  His smiles set her heart fluttering, and his kisses leave her breathless.  As they search for his missing cousin in Morocco and the Isle of Capri, Tricia finds herself increasingly drawn to Prince Lawrence despite impossible odds. [Most of this works for me except that I had a moment of "Um, if she's impersonating his cousin, should he really be kissing her in public?" so maybe make clear these are stolen kisses in private or something. Also, what is Tricia like as a person? What defines her? What does she want and what will she do to get it? And the stakes are more than just Tricia is attracted to him despite the odds. The stakes involve solving the mystery of Alicia's disappearance and flouting dear Mama's rules for Princesses and following their hearts instead. Make that clear in the last sentence.]

I wrote the text for There IS Life After Lettuce (Eakin Press) a cookbook for heart patients, diabetics and dieters. I belong to the DFW Writer’s Workshop, two local RWA chapters, and the online mystery suspense chapter of RWA. This story won second place in a contest held by Authorlink.com.  My profile and travel articles have been published in AAA World, Hawaii and Alaska, Romance Writer’s Report, the Fort Worth Star Telegram, and The Dallas Morning News.

Would you be interested in seeing the whole manuscript?  [Instead of this question, how about "The manuscript is available upon request."] Thank you for your consideration.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Carolyn Williamson

***

Thanks to both CJ and Carolyn!

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org. C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them. We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us Wednesday when author Jeanne Adams teaches about maximizing our workspaces!

***

Bio: C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. To learn more, go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com/.

Hello to Romance University!   

In the past when it comes to pitching and query letters, there were two tribes of writers: (1) a few naturals and (2) the terrified majority. But it’s time to create a third tribe:  the writers who learned how to pitch and used that skill for the rest of their entire career. Pitching is what we do when we talk with readers. We need this skill.

And we need those queries, too. Queries (with their story “summaries”) are part of the written sales materials you need in order to sell your book and then to keep selling it (publisher’s sales staff, media, blog, Amazon page, etc.).  So today, we’re all about queries.

In the comments of this post, I’ll ask you to do two things:

• Let us know which query you think is most effective.
• Don’t forget to post your own pitch if you’d like some feedback on it, and I’ll do that on Friday.

Let’s take a look at Taylor’s original query:

Query Letter

Dear AGENT,

Growing up in India and fighting alongside Wellington didn’t prepare Colonel Aidan Cavanaugh, Marquess of Pierston to face the scrutiny of London society. Behind his cool, calm exterior, the former colonel is plagued by years of death and regret that he refuses to relinquish. Recently arrived in England, he must forge a life for himself away from military campaigns and find a bride who can help him find peace.

Self-declared spinster Katherine Burns defied the conventions of Regency society when she agreed to help the mysterious newcomer, Lord Pierston, learn to navigate the waters of the ton. She certainly never expected him to consider her a potential bride. His subtle campaign against her defenses threatens to expose her secrets and dissuade her from following her dreams of making a life for herself and her brother.

Independent to the core, Kate and Aidan must learn to trust in each other and their growing feelings for one another in the face of their personal demons. The Warrior Groom, my Regency romance novel, is complete at 91,000 words. It is a stand-alone novel with the potential for expansion into a trilogy. 

I am a senior English major, feminist studies minor, at Southwestern University, a small liberal arts university in Texas. The Warrior Groom is my second completed novel. My previous publishing credit is “Agape” in the anthology A Rush of Wings (Naked Reader Press, 2010).  

Thank you for your time and consideration.                                                                        

Sincerely,

Taylor Lunsford                                                                                                                      

Diane’s Commentary:                                              

This is pretty good, right? I agree.                                     

Our query letter discussion

Diane: Hi, Taylor!

Growing up in India and fighting alongside Wellington didn’t prepare Colonel Aidan Cavanaugh, Marquess of Pierston to face the scrutiny of London society.   

Diane:  Expectation - We must be talking about a historical novel!  A war novel?  Straight historical?  Historical romance?

Taylor:  Would it maybe help here if I used a clue word like “ton” instead of “society” to indicate that it’s a Regency romance?

***

Behind his cool, calm exterior, the former colonel is plagued by years of death and regret that he refuses to relinquish.

Diane: Expectation - This is a story about a battle-scarred, ex-military man.

Recently arrived in England, he must forge a life for himself away from military campaigns and find a bride who can help him find peace.

Diane: Expectation - This is a story about a man coming home from war and trying to reclaim an ordinary life, which is represented by having a wife and home.

Taylor:  So far, all of your expectations are correct. 

***

Self-declared spinster Katherine Burns defied the conventions of Regency society when she agreed to help the mysterious newcomer, Lord Pierston, learn to navigate the waters of the ton.

Diane: Expectation -  This is a fish out of water story, and the only person he can trust is her. Maybe kinda like the movie Splash, in a way? It seems that she is a woman who thinks of herself as an old spinster and is defying society; however, she’s the only person helping Pierston, even though for some reason it’s against society norms. Also, for some reason Lord Pierston never learned his own society, or he’s actually not from London.

Taylor:  I mention in the first sentence that he grew up in India, so he doesn’t know anything about life in London. Would it be a good idea to maybe indicate here the Kate is attracted to him to help build romantic tension?

Diane: Hangs head in shame at her short attention span….

***

She certainly never expected him to consider her a potential bride.

Diane:  Expectation -  This is a story about a man home from war who grabs onto the first helpful woman and proposes. The conflict will be that she doesn’t want to marry and prefers to be a spinster.

Taylor: It’s not that she’s the first helpful woman, but she’s the one who he feels a connection to and Kate wants to fight that connection b/c she has other plans, i.e. to be a writer like Jane Austen.

***

His subtle campaign against her defenses threatens to expose her secrets and dissuade her from following her dreams of making a life for herself and her brother.

Diane:  Expectation - This is the story about a secretive woman whose dream to provide for her brother is being thwarted by a man who wants her to marry him and give up her dream.

Taylor: It’s not so much that he wants her to give up her dream as she thinks that she can’t have both him and her dream of being a writer b/c of societal expectations of wives.

***

Independent to the core, Kate and Aidan must learn to trust in each other and their growing feelings for one another in the face of their personal demons.

Diane: There’s nothing wrong with this, but it could be used to describe many romance novels.   And this summary doesn’t seem to be proved by what comes before it.  For example, Pierston isn’t independent.  He’s desperate for a wife.  Just something to think about.

Taylor: I’ve struggled with this part. Yes, it could be used to describe a lot of romance novels, but I can’t seem to find another way to make the summary concise otherwise. I’m having the same issue with writing the official synopsis to send out to agents.

 ***

The Warrior Groom, my Regency romance novel, is complete at 91,000 words. It is a standalone novel with the potential for expansion into a trilogy.  

Diane: Expectation -  See, I was right!  It is a Regency romance!  Probably ought to put this up front.

***

I am a senior English major, feminist studies minor, at Southwestern University, a small liberal arts university in Texas. 

Diane: Go ahead and make the link between your studies and your book, because there is a link.  You’re obviously passionate about looking at gender roles in society, and there’s not a better place to do this than in the sub-genre known for its “comedy of manners.”

Taylor: I’ve heard that you should keep bios to a minimum and even been told to exclude this bit?

 ***

The Warrior Groom is my second completed novel.  

Diane: You probably don’t want to include this, because every writer has many completed and unpublished novels.  And some agents/editors may have an opinion about how many novels it takes before you know what you’re doing.

***

My previous publishing credit is “Agape” in the anthology A Rush of Wings (Naked Reader Press, 2010).  

Diane: Excellent.  Include this!

My thoughts on Taylor’s Pitch:

Growing up in India and fighting alongside Wellington didn’t prepare Aidan Cavanaugh, Marquess of Pierston to face the scrutiny of London society. Behind his cool, calm exterior, the former colonel is plagued by years of death and regret that he refuses to relinquish. Recently arrived in England, he must forge a new life for himself away from military campaigns and find a bride who can help him find peace.

Diane:  Expectation - This entire book will deal with the fall out of living India and serving in Wellington’s army.  He probably has PTSD, and this book will deal with that and his quest of peace and healing.

***

Spinster Katherine Burns defied her fears and society when she agreed to help the mysterious Lord Pierston learn to navigate the waters of the ton. She certainly never expected him to consider her a potential bride.

Diane: Expectation - Katherine is normally fearful; Aiden has secrets/mysteries she will need to uncover.   

***

As you remember from yesterday, Taylor and I chatted about her book.  And I was right about her story and high-concept (even though she had never thought of it that way), right up to the point where the he story diverged…  The tipoff was when she said, “Yes, and then it devolves from that.”

You need to pay attention to comments like that. It’s not that she was suddenly writing a different book. But until you get the beauty of the author’s vision, you aren’t getting the whole story. There’s something in the story that the author is saying or proving by the way it’s structured, that’s beyond the genre expectations. So really look for this.

And remember, I’ll have even more insights when I write up a full case study which will be available at Pitch University. If you go over there and sign up for The Monthly Pitch newsletter (below my radio interview), I’ll make sure you know when and how to get a copy.

Our NEW query letters

Taylor’s Version 1:

Dear…

The Warrior Groom, my Regency romance novel, is complete at 91,000 words. It is a standalone novel with the potential for expansion into a trilogy.

Colonel Aidan Cavanaugh, Marquess of Pierston, is more at home on the battlefield than in the ballroom. The only thing that has made sense since his arrival in London is his attraction to Miss Katherine Burns, the companion he’s convinced to teach him all he needs to know to survive the turbulent waters of the ton. Kate Burns decided long ago she would never marry. As a single woman, she answers to no one and she’s perfectly happy that way, but the dashing new marquess tests her resolve to the breaking point.

From two different worlds, Aidan and Kate must find a way to keep her dream of writing novels and his difficulty in sharing his past from standing in the way of the love that has grown between them.

I am a senior English major, feminist studies minor, at Southwestern University, a small liberal arts university in Texas. My previous publishing credit is “Agape” in the anthology A Rush of Wings (Naked Reader Press, 2010). 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Taylor Lunsford

 ***

Taylor’s Version 2:

Dear…

The Warrior Groom, my Regency romance novel, is complete at 91,000 words. It is a standalone novel with the potential for expansion into a trilogy.

Katherine Burns convinced herself long ago that marriage was not for her. When Colonel Aidan Cavanaugh, Marquess of Pierston, recently arrived in London from India, asks her to help him learn the ways of the ton, she never suspected that his interest in her was of a decidedly romantic nature. Before she knows it, Kate finds herself falling in love with this man who asks so much of her, yet gives so little of himself.

It is up to the battle-hardened, but dashing new marquess to show Kate that she can be both a writer and a wife, despite what society might tell her.

I am a senior English major, feminist studies minor, at Southwestern University, a small liberal arts university in Texas. My previous publishing credit is “Agape” in the anthology A Rush of Wings (Naked Reader Press, 2010).

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Taylor Lunsford

 ***

Taylor’s Version 3:

Dear…

The Warrior Groom, my Regency romance novel, is complete at 91,000 words. It is a standalone novel with the potential for expansion into a trilogy.

Katherine Burns never expected helping a dashing stranger across the dinner table would lead to this. Colonel Aidan Cavanaugh, the new Marquess of Pierston has asked her to consider helping him learn all about the society he missed growing up in India. Every proper inclination tells her to say ‘no,’ but she all she can say is ‘yes.’ His subtle campaign against her defenses threatens to expose her secrets and dissuade her from following her dreams.

Finding a bride hadn’t crossed Aidan’s mind until he saw Kate, but now he’s determined to have her. Winning the heart of the stubborn spinster would require more effort than any war he’d fought in, but the peace he would find with her by his side is too great to let slip away.

I am a senior English major, feminist studies minor, at Southwestern University, a small liberal arts university in Texas. My previous publishing credit is “Agape” in the anthology A Rush of Wings (Naked Reader Press, 2010).

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Taylor Lunsford

 ***

Diane’s Version 1 (and only):

Taylor Lunsford’s The Warrior Groom is a 91,000-word Regency romance novel. Katherine Burns is determined to follow in the footsteps of Jane Austen—to never marry in favor of penning novels and living an truly independent lifestyle.  Unorthodox in the extreme.   Colonel Aidan Cavanaugh, the new Marquess of Pierston, is more at home on the battlefield than in the ballroom.  Having just set foot in England for the first time in his life, he is ill-prepared to play society’s most-eligible peers of the realm.

When Aidan spies Katherine,  he is captivated despite her unconventional age (24!).  Under the guise of requiring a tutor for his lack of social graces, he sets out to woo Katherine.  And the lessons are successful on both fronts.  But before the fairy tale can unfold and Aidan can capture her heart, they are thrust into reality and must deal with Katherine’s father’s alcoholism and gambling debts, as well as the truth of what marrying into nobility will require of a bride.  Society’s burdens do not allow room for women to become novelists.

As Aiden struggles to deal with his own memories of war and Katherine concludes that she cannot become the wife a Marquess requires, it takes a visit with Jane Austen herself to rectify the situation to the benefit of all.

The Warrior Groom– a retelling of My Fair Lady, if Eliza had hired Professor Higgins, and the genders where reversed—forces the fantasy of transformation to face the realities of family and the sacrifices demanded by social constraints.  And through love, all things are possible.

Sincerely, 

 **Note:  The line “more at home on the battlefield than in the ballroom” came directly from Taylor’s manuscript.   

***

Great query letters! Thanks to Diane and Taylor for sharing them with our readers. Does anyone have any questions about query letters (or pitches) for Diane? Nationals are coming up, so polish your pitch and post it in our comments section.

Okay, Friday we get to review Taylor’s pitch video, and we’ll hear from a real, live agent.  (Yes, we have one in captivity, but we’re most kind and considerate, feeding her tender shoots and over-ripe berries.  Then we bring in a massage therapist.)  Come by Friday to find out who she is and read my advice on *your* pitches.)

***

 
Diane Holmes is the founder and Chief Alchemist of Pitch University, the only no-cost, 100% free website devoted to learning how to verbally pitch your book and answer the question, “What’s your book about?” Pitching is the skill you need to sell your book to agents, editors, and ultimately, readers. And the best part about Pitch U? You learn directly from the experts who pitch books for a living:  agents, editors, and experts. 

Taylor Lunsford’s entry was selected as an example of how to develop an effective pitch. However, Diane’s generously offered to post the pitches for our other entrants on her site. 

Diane’s acquired a new espresso machine and in a caffeine-fueled frenzy, she’s gone beyond the call of duty and helped our entrants with their queries too.

Today, we’re concentrating on pitches, but Taylor’s revised queries will be posted on the RU site tomorrow. We’ll finish off the week with a video of Taylor’s pitch on Friday.

Diane, thanks so much for joining us today and thanks to Taylor for being our RU guinea pig.

Hello to Romance University! I’ve got my sleeves rolled up, and I’m ready to get my pitch on! I’ll be here today and Friday talking about how to create a great pitch… by actually working with a Romance U victim… er, I mean agreeable companion. Yeah, that’s what I mean. 

Taylor Lunsford has innocently agreed to step into my lair. Everyone, say hello to Taylor. (I’m also working with three other Romance U writers, and I’ll talk more about that on Friday.) 

So today, you’ll see exactly how Taylor and I worked together to create improved pitches for her complex Regency romance. I say pitches in the plural, because we came up with more than one version. 

I know you probably believe you’re looking for the One Pitch To Sell Them All, but here’s what I believe:  I think there are 100 right pitches (and 1,000 wrong pitches). You’re just looking for the most effective one you can write.

 In the comments of this post, I’ll ask you to do two things:

• Let us know which pitch you think is most effective.
• Post your own pitch if you’d like some feedback on it, and I’ll do that on Friday.

So, first, who am I? I’m the founder of Pitch University, a website devoted to learning and practicing pitching your book from agents, editors, and experts who make their living at it. 

I founded Pitch U because I sucked at pitching my own books. I don’t now, by the way, so take heart. You can become awesome at this skill. 

(I recently gave some insight into just how bad I used to be at pitching during a radio interview on Your Book is Your Hook with Jennifer Wilkov, plus I shared some insights on pitching you probably haven’t heard before. See the Pitch University website and look in the right-most column for the audio player. )

My Goal

In the game of verbal pitching, there are two things to master:  delivery and content. What I want to focus on is content. And when talking about content, again there are two things to master: words that sound good and get a ‘yes’, AND words that accurately reflect the book you’ve written.

I seriously believe that 90% of all pitches and query letters mislead the listener/reader. They’re true; they just don’t set the right expectations about what the book really is and how it will unfold.

Often the book is better than the pitch.

First, let’s see Taylor’s original pitch:

Title: THE WARRIOR GROOM by Taylor M. Lunsford

Growing up in India and fighting alongside Wellington didn’t prepare Aidan Cavanaugh, Marquess of Pierston, to face the scrutiny of London society. Behind his cool, calm exterior, the former colonel is plagued by years of death and regret that he refuses to relinquish. Recently arrived in England, he must forge a new life for himself away from military campaigns and find a bride who can help him find peace. 

Spinster Katherine Burns defied her fears and society when she agreed to help the mysterious Lord Pierston learn to navigate the waters of the ton. She certainly never expected him to consider her a potential bride 

Diane’s Commentary:

This is pretty good, right?  I agree.

My thoughts on Taylor’s Pitch:

Growing up in India… etc.

Diane
Expectation: This entire book will deal with the fallout of living in India and serving in Wellington’s army.  Aiden probably has PTSD, and this book will deal with that and his quest for peace and healing.

Spinster Katherine Burns… etc..

Diane
Expectation: Katherine is normally fearful; Aiden has secrets/mysteries she will need to uncover.   He has to convince her to marry him and quit being a spinster.

What came next – Query Letter, a list of events, and actual pages from the story

Then, I took Taylor’s query letter, wrote down my expectations based on each additional piece of information. She replied to each, and it soon became clear that  some of my expectations were way off. Good to know, eh?

And finally (this is going to sound strange coming from one fiction writer to another), we actually started dealing with reality. Taylor sent me a list of events from her first 75 pages plus the first 75 pages of her ms.  Again, I read events and listed my expectations, where I made an astounding discovery.  

Taylor actually has a high concept hidden in her book. Eureka. How could I be so lucky. That’s like Pitching Easy Street.

By then, I *thought* knew what her pitch was going to be. We scheduled time to talk over the phone, because the last piece (and this is really important) is to understand the trajectory and structure of the story all the way to the end. Not all the events. Not the inner and outer conflict. 

Plainly said, I needed to understand how the story would unfold. Implying is the magic word when it comes to crafting a pitch.  Because pitches are so short, you have to be very clever in what you say so that it implies everything you don’t say. 

So, we chatted (and Taylor is delightful!). And I was right about her story and high-concept (even though she’d never thought of it that way), right up to the point where it veered off.  

It’s not that she was suddenly writing a different book. It’s that I didn’t understand her whole vision for the story.

For more details on this piece of our work, including our entire query letter dissection and multiple new query versions, you’ll want to get the full “case study,” which will be available at Pitch University. If you go over there right now (I’ll wait) and sign up for The Monthly Pitch newsletter (below my radio interview), I’ll make sure you know when and how to get a free copy.

Result

Probably the main thing you’re going to say about the new pitches is, “Oh, I didn’t know it was about that!”  That’s the beauty of looking at accuracy, even if you have a good pitch.  The book is often more interesting than the pitch (or query) lets on.

Our NEW pitches

Diane’s Pitch Version 1 – Short Pitch:

Short Pitch.  Taylor Lunsford’s The Warrior Groom is a 91,000-word Regency romance novel. Katherine Burns is determined to follow in the footsteps of Jane Austen—to never marry in favor of penning novels. Colonel Aidan Cavanaugh has just stepped foot in England for the first time, and this new Marquess of Pierston, is more at home on the battlefield than in the ballroom. 

Aidan hires Katherine to teach him the ways of society, with the ulterior motive of wooing her, but when real life interrupts the fantasy, they’re forced to deal with family crises and social expectations , ultimately examining the wall they’ve each built around themselves in an effort to remain independent.

The Warrior Groom– a retelling of My Fair Lady, if Eliza had hired Professor Higgins, and the genders where reversed.

Diane’s Pitch Version 2 – Shorter Pitch:

Taylor Lunsford’s 91,000 word, Regency romance novel, The Warrior Groom, is a retelling of My Fair Lady… if Eliza had hired Professor Higgins, and the genders where reversed.  Katherine Burns embraces the independent writing lifestyle of Jane Austen.  Colonel Aidan Cavanaugh has never stepped foot in England before, but as the new Marquess, he must learn society’s rules and behavior before anyone realizes he’s lacking. Aidan hires Katherine, but fantasy meets harsh the reality of family crises and social obligation.

Diane’s Pitch Version 3:  Elevator Pitch.

Taylor Lunsford’s 91,000 word, Regency romance novel, The Warrior Groom, is a retelling of My Fair Lady… if Eliza had hired Professor Higgins, the genders where reversed, and the fantasy is forced to confront the realities of every-day life.

Taylor Tinkers With My Pitch for Voice – Version 1:  Short Pitch

Taylor Lunsford’s The Warrior Groom is a 91,000-word Regency romance novel. Katherine Burns is determined to follow in the footsteps of Jane Austen, eschewing marriage in favor of penning novels. Colonel Aidan Cavanaugh, the new Marquess of Pierston, has just set foot in England for the first time and is more at home on the battlefield than in the ballroom. 

Intent on spending more time with Kate, Aidan asks her to teach him the ways of society. When real life interrupts their romantic interlude, they’re forced to deal with family crises and social expectations, ultimately examining the walls they’ve built around themselves in an effort to remain independent.

The Warrior Groom– a reimagining of My Fair Lady where Henry Higgins asks Eliza for deportment lessons—forces the fantasy of transformation and love at first sight to face the realities of family and the sacrifices demanded by social constraints

Taylor Tinkers With My Pitch for Voice – Version 2:  Shorter Pitch

Taylor Lunsford’s 91,000 word Regency romance novel, The Warrior Groom,  is a reimagining of My Fair Lady where Henry Higgins asks Eliza for deportment lessons. Katherine Burns embraces the independent writing life modeled by Jane Austen.  Colonel Aidan Cavanaugh has never stepped foot in England before, but as a new Marquess, he must learn society’s rules and behavior before anyone realizes he’s lacking. Intent on spending more time with her, Aidan asks Katherine to teach him the ways of society, hoping she’ll fall in love with him along the way.

Taylor Tinkers With My Pitch for Voice – Version 3:  Elevator Pitch

Taylor Lunsford’s 91,000 word Regency romance novel, The Warrior Groom, is a reimagining of My Fair Lady where Henry Higgins asks Eliza for deportment lessons and where the fantasy of transformation and love at first sight must face the realities of family and the sacrifices demanded by social constraints

So, which is the most effective?

Taylor and I each have our favorites. So, what are your favorites? Does one version/length make you want to read her book more than another? Weigh in.  And if I’m really lucky, I’ll have an agent weigh in as well.

P.S.  Our new query letters were vastly different from one another, and different than these pitches.  You can take a look in the Case Study. 

***

We’d love to hear which pitches were your favorite or the most effective. Also, post your pitches today or on Friday and Diane will critique them. This is great practice for those of you who are planning to pitch at the RWA National Convention in NYC this year!
 

As a extra bonus, we’ll post the query for Taylor’s book tomorrow. Don’t forget to stop by and check out the video of Taylor’s pitch on Friday. Diane will be available to crit your pitches, so don’t be shy. Post your pitch!

***

Bio: Diane Holmes is the founder and Chief Alchemist of Pitch University, the only no-cost, 100% free website devoted to learning how to verbally pitch your book and answer the question, “What’s your book about?” Pitching is the skill you need to sell your book to agents, editors, and ultimately, readers. And the best part about Pitch U? You learn directly from the experts who pitch books for a living:  agents, editors, and experts. 

Diane’s background is in marketing, fiction writing, and community building. She has also founded writers’ groups, co-owned a small press, had plays produced, written novels and scripts, run writer’s contests, held offices in writing organizations, taught writing… and just like you, she sucks at pitching her own books.

When not working on Pitch University, she’s writing an espionage thriller. (She started out writing sweet romance, but that first book used up all her sweetness, and now she kills a lot of fictional people and makes really good  ”people” run for their lives. Villains? Oh, for pity’s sake, cover your eyes! Yeah, yeah, plus there’s ill-behaved romance and the power of love. Aw. Just watch out for the blood.) 
www.pitch-university.com

Dear Agent:

They both needed a way to start over again and get it right this time. I think you’d be better off cutting this. It’s too vague to really serve your story well. Jump right in with the characters and help us connect with them instead.

Twenty years have passed since Gail first saw Tony Cimino behind the counter of his father’s pizza shop. The first time was a chance encounter she is certain he would not remember. She doesn’t know yet that he is her second chance at happiness and tries to push him out of her life. But Tony, a man who knows what he wants and sees it in Gail, is not going to give up so easily. I kind of understand the story set-up here, but I have no sense of the characters. I suggest you devote this paragraph to Gail. Cut everything after the first sentence and give us who Gail is. What makes her tick. What she wants. What stands in her way. A nice descriptive paragraph that shows us Gail. Then do another paragraph doing the same thing for Tony. Your last plot paragraph is a quick sum up of the stakes of the novel (what they want, what they have to do to get it, what happens if they fail).

Second Hand News is about family, the invisible older sister, the vain, status conscience mother and “pretty” younger sister; a story of fun, friendships and final vindication, woven with the antics of a feisty, hilarious Bubbie; the mortar between the bricks. Add Gail’s supporting characters; the young Dominican girl who befriends her, the gun-toting ex-vet who helps her, her out of bounds girlfriends, hot dates and two people falling in love. Listing these elements drains the magic from your story. Instead, work a few of these into the paragraphs about the characters and their lives. You honestly don’t need all of these unless you can find a way to work it in as part of describing the conflict and the stakes. You have some FUN things here, but we aren’t getting that when it’s presented like a grocery list.

Chaos rules, as Bubbie escapes from assisted living, moves into her granddaughter’s small apartment, and entertains the neighbors singing Ethel Merman tunes late at night in the elevator. Gail fends off dates arranged by her mother and sister, squashes a Yuppie co-op conversion, and uses her wit and talent to find a new career. Most of this probably needs to go. I’m confused about the true stakes of the novel and Gail’s agenda. You start me out thinking this is a romance about two characters finding a second chance at love, but you end with Gail alone fending off dates, finding a new career etc. What happened with Tony? Is this Tony’s story as much as Gail’s? If so, this paragraph needs to be totally focused on what they must overcome to get what they want.

Second Hand News, complete at 80,000 words, romantic women’s fiction, explores how two people find a better way to live. I suggest cutting “explores …” You should already have shown us this in your hook. Stick with a nice, tight stats sentence. “Second Hand News is a romantic women’s fiction complete at 80,000 words.” Awesome title, by the way.

I found your name (Insert pertinent agent information) I would be happy to send part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. Looks like you’ve got some really fun, quirky characters in this story. Your job now is to make GAIL and TONY fun and relatable to us and deliver the clear agenda and stakes. Good luck with this!

Respectfully,

***

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org. C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them. We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us Wednesday when literary agent Elaine English tells us whether we need an agent or a literary attorney.

***

Bio: C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. To learn more, go to http://queryworkshop.blogspot.com/.

Title: Under the Covers
Author: Susan Sheehey (Instead of this, put a traditional business letter header with the agent’s name, agency name, and address. Or, if you’re sending an e-query, simply dive in with Dear Ms. Redwine.)

Ms. CJ Redwine, (You’ll want to say “Dear” first.)

If you discovered your husband was a criminal, would you try to protect the love of your life, or would you turn him in?  Which would you choose if protecting him could cost you your life, but turning him in could cost you your career?  (I strongly recommend you don’t start your query with questions. I’ve seen many agents who don’t care for this, and you run the risk of turning a reader off instantly if they decide they don’t care about the answer.)
 
In “Under the Covers,” DEA agent, (delete comma) Clara O’Cleary (deep undercover) strives to dismantle the notorious Irish Outfit, and must keep her professional life secret from her husband, Caleb.  (This gives me instant story set-up, which is awesome. But I have no idea who Clara really is, besides her occupation. What makes her tick? Why is she willing to pursue this dangerous mission? How does she feel about keeping secrets from her hubby? Give us a peek into her character to help us instantly connect with her even as you deliver your awesome story set-up.) But as Clara dives further into her undercover case, Caleb shows heart-wrenching signs of infidelity, straining her once-passion enthralled (Move the hyphen so it reads “once passion-enthralled”) marriage into a dysfunctional relationship.  Clara utilizes her investigative skills and the support and humor of her girlfriends to uncover the truth of his infidelity.  But she’s not prepared when she discovers Caleb has more dangerous secrets of his own, jeopardizing her undercover position, and her life. Now she must find how to save her case and keep from being targeted, while saving her marriage in the process. This is good, but I feel like your last sentence falls flat in the first half. Can you make the stakes sound a bit more dangerous and exciting? Give her ACTION verbs instead of “must find out how.” Maybe she must rescue her case, AND her marriage, while trying to stay one step ahead of a crime syndicate who wants her dead?

“Under the Covers” is a completed 70,000 word contemporary romance set in Dallas, where a married, undercover federal agent dodges the dangerous machinations of a vicious crime syndicate, while uncovering the secrets of her husband and rekindle the passion in their estranged relationship. (Cut everything after “set in Dallas.” You’re summarizing what you just told us. No repetition needed.) This story is targeted for the Contemporary Romance or Romantic Suspense genres. Okay, is this targeted for a specific line at Harlequin? Because if so, your word count makes sense and you can fine-tune this last sentence to reflect which line you’re currently querying. If not, then pick a genre and stick to it. And if you’re looking at romantic suspense outside a Harlequin line, 70k is really low. You need to aim for 80-95k then.

I am a new stay-at-home mother after six years in a full-time sales position.  I belong to the Greater Fort Worth Writer’s Group in the Dallas area and have been a long-time enthusiast of romance fiction novels.  I am impassioned by and love writing intricate storylines with intriguing twists and realistic characters (including their flaws).  We don’t need the last sentence. You’d be amazed how many writers say pretty much the same thing and instead of making you stand out, this makes you blend in.

Per your submission guidelines, I have included the first chapter of the manuscript.  Please let me know if you would like to see the full manuscript and I will happily send it.  I appreciate your time and thank you for considering ‘Under the Covers.’

 Overall, this is a very well-written query. Good luck with your submissions!

 ***

Susan, thank you again for allowing us to use your letter for educational purposes. Let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you.

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday for Anatomy of the Mind when author/screenwriter Cindy Carroll talks about scene by scene dialogue.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. To learn more, go to http://cjredwine.blogspot.com/.

As the gals here at RU would tell you in a heartbeat, I do love a list. In fact, the other day, I made a list of the lists I wanted to make. Sick? Undoubtedly. But lists are just so nice and neat and well…manageable. And if there’s one thing I need, it’s a manageable life. Today, urban fantasy author C.J. Redwine created a  fab list of the top ten mistakes people make when writing a query letter which puts her on my personal hero list.

1. Devoting too much space to personal details: If more than 3-4 sentences (five if you’ve already been published or are querying non-fiction and need to explain your platform) are dedicated to YOU instead of to your hook, you’re wasting valuable words that ought to be used to snag an agent’s attention. You don’t need to explain why you feel a need to write or what writing does for you. You don’t need to explain how you came up with this particular idea, or rhapsodize about the story’s potential, importance, marketability, cunning use of metaphor, fabulous tension, or __insert any other adjective here__. Those are topics you may delve into once an agent wants to represent you and calls to discuss it with you. Until then, stick to hooking them with your story. The rest is just window dressing.

2. Failing to understand your genre: This happens every time I run a query workshop. Your book might straddle genres (mine certainly does), but you don’t straddle genres in a query. You need to show an agent where your book can be shelved. You do that by labeling your manuscript with the appropriate genre. There is no shelf in Barnes & Nobles for a romantic suspense with historical sci-fi elements. It’s either romantic suspense, historical or science fiction. If you aren’t sure where your book can be shelved, do some research. Read in the genres closest to your work until you get a feel for what’s out there.

3. Taking forever to get to your point: Dive in. No really. Just do it. Introduce your main character, along with a couple of adjectives or phrases that help us connect with him/her as a person, give us one sentence of story-set up, and then launch into the part of the book where everything goes wonky. If you take a paragraph or two to dump backstory or story set-up in a query, you’ll lose your reader by sentence three. Why? Because it’s boring. And because if you did it in your query, chance are good you did it in your manuscript, in which case, reading it would be a waste of an agent’s time because your craft isn’t yet ready for publishing.

4. Unprofessional language: Be smart. Don’t dare an agent to take you on or wonder if they’ve got the cajones to represent a book like yours. All that does is wave a big red I-Am-A-Horse’s-Patoot flag above your head. Trust me. Nobody want’s a horses’s patoot for a client.

5. Inflated (or deflated!) word count: Do you know the appropriate word count range for your genre? You should. This is another mistake I see every time I run a query workshop. Most genres run between 80k-95k. Fantasy can run slightly higher. Category, YA, and MG run lower. Yes, you can point to the book shelves and say “But, look! __Insert NYT’s best-selling author name here__ has a word count 30k over what you just said was the top end for this genre!” Yes, indeed, __insert NYT’s best-selling author name here__ does. But you aren’t __insert NYT’s best-selling author name here__ and you get to pay your dues like everyone else. Inflated word count often signals a lack of editing, and most agents aren’t interested in taking on a client whose work needs significant editing for length before they can even get into editing for content.

6. The curse of the cliché: Please don’t start your query out with a vague, generalized question or statement like “What would you do if…?” or “Have you ever…” I promise you questions like those will get an eye roll from the agent, and they’ll move on to the next query. Unless you have a question that seriously makes your query stand out, skip this and dive right into your hook. The curse of the cliché holds true for the body of your query as well. Steer clear of vague statements or time-worn phrases like “coming of age story” or “timeless love story.” Specifics are your friend. Specifics make your villain stand out, your characters come alive, and your world beckon seductively in the face of the other plain-Jane queries in the slush pile.

7. Characters we can connect with: Does your hero have flowing black locks? A passionate temperament? Adonis-like good looks? Congratulations. So does nearly every other query in the pile. Cut the romantic, flowery descriptions and give us the heart, the flaws, the agenda, and the huge thing standing in the way of the hero’s success. I don’t connect with a near-perfect physical specimen, but I do connect with someone who wants what he can’t have and might be willing to take a risk to get it. Especially if that risk will cost almost more than he can give.

8. Quit promising the moon: You aren’t the next J.K. Rowling. Okay, you might be. But you don’t get to say that. Don’t rhapsodize over your book’s potential to change lives, or claim you wrote the next best-seller. You’ll sound, at best, like an amateur who just might be a diva. Stick with writing an amazing hook and let the writing speak for itself. If you did write a book with the potential to unseat J.K. from her throne, an agent will be smart enough to recognize it.

9. Simple spelling and grammatical errors: Please, please don’t do this. Run spell check. Print out your query and read it aloud. Slowly. You’ll be surprised the errors you discover (both in sentence flow and in missing words.). Send it to a CP for a quick proof-read. But, above all else, send out a perfect query. The agent will make assumptions about your writing ability (and your editing ability!) from your query.

10. Don’t get too personal: Did you spend all last year grieving the death of a family member? Playing Plants vs. Zombies? Running a Fortune 500 company? Don’t put it in the query unless it directly pertains to your ability to write this book. And for the love of all that’s grammatically correct, DON’T include personal details about the agent that stretch the bounds of professionalism. No mentioning of their children, their recent trip to the opera, or the fact that they always have a second cup of coffee in the morning. You’ll sound like a stalker. Most of  you are busy thinking “Holy cow, nobody really does that, do they?!” but a couple of you are now wondering what to do with all the non-publishing-related info you’ve garnered about the agents on your list and it’s YOU I’m talking to. Don’t do it.

***

RU Crew, which of C.J.’s list do you have trouble with?  CJ will pop in today for questions so ask away!

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Tuesday when Laurie London will be here to wrap up her year long series on being a debut author. She’s going to chat about a newbie’s swan dive into the promo pool. Is the water cold or hot? And can you afford to do a belly flop?

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. To learn more, go to http://cjredwine.blogspot.com/.

Dear Contact Name:

Dreagon found himself tormented and lost in a life he created out of passion. His hollow existence echoed with the melodies of song after song written from his soul that went no further than the beer stained walls of rundown clubs. It echoed with the voices of women half his age who crawled in and out of his bed trying to touch a piece of his so-called fame as they touched him. He wanted so much more. The night he saw her, he knew Jordan was the more for which he searched. They shared painful burdens, the result of a man who had crashed into both their lives. They had no way of knowing that it was the same man, and that he watched through the shadows as they intertwined their hearts. They had no way of knowing that a vicious attack resulting from that same man’s jealous rage would unearth years of hidden secrets, destroy two powerful patriarchs, and change their lives and love forever.

Your first paragraph needs to be separated into two or three small paragraphs. One to introduce Dreagon. One to introduce Dreagon and Jordan’s new life together and then give us the hint that there’s a serpent in their garden. And then a final paragraph to deliver the scary stalker and the stakes of the novel. The stakes of the novel should always be super high: the price for failure to succeed at the given task should be almost as high (in the main character’s mind) as the price for success.

Next, you’re taking a long time to say very little and your language is vey flowery, for lack of a better word. Since  you’ve started off the query with Dreagon as your main character, this flowery language really stands out because it absolutely doesn’t sound appropriate for a male MC. If I was an agent, I’d worry your novel had the same flowery prose and would probably not request your partial. I think you’re better served to ruthlessly streamline. For example, your first three sentences don’t connect us to Dreagon because of the excessive romantic language and you REALLY want us to connect with Dreagon so we’ll want to keep reading. You can streamline it by saying something like “When Dreagon __insert last name here__ became a moderately successful rock star, he thought he had the world in his lap. But fame, and the willing women who come with it, left him empty and searching for more.” Then you use one sentence to tell us meeting Jordan is his “more.” And you move on to the next paragraph, making that one short, to the point, and engaging too.

Finally, be careful of how vague you are with your villain. When you’re vague, your book sounds like every other romantic suspense sitting in the agent’s slushpile. We need to a chilling sentence or two in your last paragraph letting us know that a violent man, full of rage over __insert specific cause here__ is stalking them, intent on forcing them to pay the price for the secrets buried in their past. Then you finish it off with one sentence detailing the almost-impossible task in front of Dreagon and Jordan and the consequences for failure. i.e. “When __insert man’s specific action here__sets off a powder keg of secrets and lies, destroying two patriarchs and __insert one other awful consequence here__, Dreagon and Jordan must unmask the truth before __insert dire consequence here__.”

Pride Lies is a love story; the love of pride, money, obsession, and revenge. The true-to-life, complex characters complement the twisting plot with realistic, raw emotional dialogue. While the story does not follow the traditional love story formula, the tension and anticipation of the main characters’ relationship propels the reader through disappointment, rage, hope, and ultimately to a happy ending. You need to cut this entire paragraph. You don’t describe your story in a query. You let your hook (the section above this) do that for you.

Pride Lies (129,271 words) is complete and awaiting the next phase in its fiction life, with the ending inviting the possibility of a series. Additionally, I have written a stand-alone novel The Broken (136,179 words), currently in the editing phase. The Taken is my present stand-alone composition in process.

1. Estimate word count to the nearest logical number. In this case, 129,000. And you need to list genre. Sounds like this is a romantic suspense. You’d say “Pride Lies is a romantic suspense complete at 129,000 words.” On that note, 129k is a very high wordcount for your genre. The top end of romantic suspense (or contemporary romance) is 95k. An agent seeing this word count will think you haven’t edited/revised, or your prose needs serious tightening. Don’t despair! My first novel was a romantic suspense complete at …wait for it … drum roll please … 134k! Whoa! I had no idea what an acceptable word count was supposed to be. An editor I’d submitted to was kind enough to tell me she’d take another look at it if I could get it down to 95k. I thought it would be impossible, but it turns out I was the Queen of the Long Sentence. Also the Queen of Unnecessary Adverbs. And the Empress of Taking Too Long to Get To My Point. The lessons I learned about craft from that revision (I got it to 94k without losing any of the story!) were invaluable. I challenge you to do the same.

2. You don’t say anything about “waiting for the next phase of its fiction life” etc.

3. You don’t mention other works here. You can say that “While Pride Lies is a stand alone story, I have a series planned within this world.” Or something like that.

4. The paragraph below this needs to be cut completely. You’d be amazed how many writers take up tons of space in their queries telling the agent how much they love to write, or how cathartic it is for them, or how much they’re hoping the agent will love their book. All of that is a given for any writer submmitting. Keep it brief and professional. Your entire paragraph consists of the title/wordcount/genre sentence, a sentence mentioning the possibility of a series, any pub credits/major writing awards you might have, and a thank you for their time. That’s it.

I have always had a passion for storytelling and I find the escape of fiction a welcome gift. I am writing to you in hopes of finding a partner in delivering that gift to others. As part of that partnership, I am committed to the responsibility of selling and marketing my work for commercial success.

My sincerest appreciation for your time in considering my query, I look forward to hearing from you.

Heather, thank you for submitting your query for a critique! I love the idea of a sort-of rock star finding what he truly needs in the right woman for him. The addition of a scary stranger and tons of secrets makes it even better! Good luck with this!

Thank you,

Heather M. Bennett

Enc: SASE

***

Heather, thank you again for allowing us to use your letter for educational purposes. Let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you.

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday for Anatomy of the Mind when our own Adrienne Giordano shares her moving story about her road to publication and THE CALL.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. To learn more, go to http://cjredwine.blogspot.com/.

Dear Ms. Agent:

I hope you will allow me to introduce you to my recently completed Regency romance novel My Greatest Treasure. Tied together with threads of love, appetite, and Naval intrigue, the 86,000-word novel is complete.

Two things wrong with this. 1. You say your novel is recently completed. Completed, in your eyes, might include the necessary time to set it aside and then read through it again in a month with a weather eye toward serious editing/revisions, but all it communicates to an agent is that it might be so recently completed, you haven’t yet done the necessary revision work to polish it up. 2. You take 35 words to say what you could say in 18. “My Greatest Treasure, complete at 86,000 words, is a Regency romance full of love, appetite, and Naval intrigue.” You want streamlined and flowing.

A natural leader of men, Lord Geoffrey Sterling is one of the youngest captains in the Royal Navy. When a traitor kills Geoffrey’s mentor, the captain vows to discover the murderer’s identity and bring him to justice. His investigation stalls and he must delay his quest when he is forced to assume his family’s earldom. That is, until he is propositioned by an unlikely source. Excellent story set-up and I get to know a bit about Geoffrey as well.

Miss Noelle Winestead, young, beautiful, and headstrong, may be in over her head. Overhearing two countrymen admit their role in a French naval attack, she conceals herself and tries to learn more. Stunned by what she hears, she realizes she shares a personal connection with these despicable men: They may be responsible for her mother’s death! No exclamation points allowed. Sure of their voices but not their identities, she knows she must have help in order to find answers. (You can shorten “must have help in order to find answers” to “needs help to find answers.” or “must have help to find answers.” The “in order” is unnecessary.) The new Earl of Sutton, an insufferable childhood acquaintance, may be her only hope, as his training and Naval connections would be indispensible. (“indispensable”)

The two soon find themselves reunited in a dangerous game as they search for the traitors. Passion sparks between them, and Geoffrey struggles to maintain his distance while still keeping her from harm’s way. When her life is threatened, he realizes that the only way to protect her is to possess her. Forced to marry, Noelle resents Geoffrey’s high-handedness. Her body wants him, but her mind resents her loss of independence. Can Noelle forgive her husband and trust the emerging feelings she has for him? Will Geoffrey find the traitor before harm comes to the wife he loves? Awesome! (You can see that the No Exclamation Points Allowed rule doesn’t apply to the query critiquer!)

I hold a BA in journalism from the University of Florida, and I’m a history buff and an avid reader of historical romance. I’d like to send you my manuscript, either in part or in full, for your review and consideration. I would highly value your feedback on its commercial potential and any ideas you may have for improvement.  Thank you for your time and consideration. (You need to cut from “I’d like to send … to “…have for improvement.” It marks you as an amateur. No agent has time to send you feedback on a project’s commercial potential or give you ideas for improvement, with the rare exception of when they fall in love with most of your manuscript and choose to send you a revision letter to see if you can bring the rest of it up to snuff. Project absolute confidence in your project’s commercial potential and if you think it still needs improvement, don’t query it until you’ve improved it. I’d stick with listing your credentials in sentence one and then thanking them for their time. They know you want a request.)

Sincerely,

Jodi

***

Jodi, thank you again for allowing us to use your letter. Let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you.

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday for Anatomy of the Mind when Jo Anne Banker, moderator of the GIAM 100X100 writing loop, talks about the benefits of a daily writing practice.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. To learn more, go to http://cjredwine.blogspot.com/.

Dear Agent,

Thank you for listening to my Dark Harvest pitch at Thrillerfest (Agentfest) New York on 8 July. Although you did not request my thriller, you were very encouraging and I appreciate it.   I wouldn’t reference the fact that this agent didn’t request your project. Instead, I’d mention how professional/interesting/funny/likable etc. the agent was and how excited you are to share your YA with him/her. Also, I’d put this at the end, because right now, we start off the query thinking you’re thanking us for listening to a query (which is strange) about Dark Harvest.

I would like to query you about a completed 72k YA Mystery Birdwatcher. No need to say “I’d like to query you.” You already are. Save this and the above paragraph for your end of query stats paragraph. i.e. “BIRDWATCHER is a YA mystery complete at 72k. I enjoyed pitching my adult thriller to you at Thrillerfest, New York, and was so impressed by _________that I couldn’t wait to query you with this exciting new project.” Then you finish by listing any pub creds or memberships and thank the agent for his/her time.

When 13-year-old Callie witnesses a neighbor’s murder on Chamberland Island, she doesn’t expect to see the dead woman alive again—or murdered again and again. The repetition of “again” doesn’t carry the impact you want it to carry here. And we’re totally missing Callie’s emotional reaction to the trauma of witnessing a murder. I’d suggest “When 13-year-old …Island, she is __fill in the blank with the appropriate emotion.” Does it give her nightmares? Because nightmares (or something along those lines) would provide an easy tie-in sentence. i.e. “But her night time terrors are nothing compared to the horror of seeing the murdered woman come to life, only to be viciously killed again.” Or something like that.

BIRDWATCHER follows Callie, her friend Kurt, and her young brother Max as they investigate the staged murders leading them into a complex web of deceit and betrayal orchestrated by her next door neighbor who will stop at nothing to steal his twin’s inheritance. Can Callie and her friends solve the mystery? Will the adults believe them? Birdwatcher doesn’t follow them. Don’t make your novel the protagonist here. Give this a human connection by leading with Callie. What she discovers that leads her to believe the murder is stages. How she drags her friend and brother in to help her prove it to her parents. And how her efforts to prove it ensnare them all in a web of deceit and lies that just might end with a real murder–her own.

Or will they become her neighbor’s final victims?

I am a member of ITW, MWA, RWA, Sisters in Crime, Florida Writers, and North Florida Writers. I have been published in nonfiction and in anthologies about ghosts. My YA mystery, Birdwatcher took second place in the Mayhaven Publisher’s national YA contest.   Just a random observation: 13 is pretty young for a YA protagonist. You might need to look at whether this is YA or MG, or perhaps raise her age by a year or two. Up to you. Good luck with the query!

Thank you for your time,

***

Jean, thank you again for allowing us to use your letter. Let us know how these suggestions work for you.  We’d love to hear from you.

For our readers, if you have a letter you would like C.J. to critique, go to our Labs page and click the link or send your letter in the body of your email to QueryWriting101@romanceuniversity.org.   C.J. will also take questions if you would like to send them.  We will post a letter on the first Monday of each month so be sure to check back.

Join us on Wednesday for Anatomy of the Mind when Adrienne shares what a nine year-old taught her about rejection.

C.J.’s Bio:

C.J. Redwine writes urban fantasy with a side of comic relief and is repped by Holly Root of the Waxman Literary Agency. She also teaches a monthly online query workshop where she offers unlimited critiques of each writer’s query until it’s perfect. To learn more, go to http://cjredwine.blogspot.com/